The first time they're together - really together after Brittany breaks up with Artie and Santana stops lying to herself - she discovers something:
It really is better with feelings.
It isn't sloppy, like it was with Finn, or mindless as it had been with Sam. It isn't painful like it was with Puck or an exercise in denying herself the person Santana really is as it had been with Karofsky. With Brittany, it's kind of beautiful.
Terrifying, but beautiful.
The first time Santana's mind wanders, Brittany gently gets her attention. Santana isn't expecting it. "What?" she asks.
"Look at me," Brittany says, and it isn't a demand. More like a plea.
Even though it's not something she's used to, Santana takes her gaze off the wall behind Brittany's head and focuses on Brittany. With their gazes locked on one another's, Santana feels it. She feels that connection. It's overwhelming and she has to look away.
Brittany whispers again, between gentle kisses. "Look at me. It's okay."
Even though it's so intense, Santana finds she can't deny Brittany the connection she wants so much. She feels her heart beat quicken. Her breath literally leaves her body. It's hard to catch it again. To make herself breathe. For once, it isn't the physical stuff. It's not the wild itself, it's what it represents. It's Brittany's damn eye contact, and the way it feels like she is peeking into Santana's soul.
Tears form in her eyes, and Santana blinks them back. There is no way in hell she's crying over this. But then, she feels Brittany's tears falling onto her own face.
Suddenly, it doesn't seem so ridiculous.
Santana tries to wrap herself around Brittany - a climbing vine searching for purchase - but Brittany keeps her at arms' length. Santana's face is cupped between her hands.
"God, Santana….I've felt you a million times. Just let me see you," Brittany begs, her voice breaking.
Santana can't help it. She closes her eyes. Takes a deep breath, gathering all of her strength - because really it will take all of it to do this - and meets Brittany's eyes.
It's like the staring contests they used to have as kids. She always lost then, but she won't lose now. If Brittany wants to see her, then Santana will let her. She looks into Brittany's eyes, searching them for secrets, for pain, for beauty, for genius, for everything Santana knows is hiding there. And Brittany studies Santana's own gaze carefully. Santana can feel her taking in all the things she keeps hidden underneath her sarcasm, and biting remarks. She lets Brittany see the brokenness, the hurt, the fear and the loathing that exists, always, just under the surface of herself. She can feel herself breaking. The feelings Brittany talked about are coming up and Santana isn't sure she can do this.
And that's when Brittany leans in and kisses her so gently. Her mouth, of course. But also strange places. Santana's forehead and her eyelids. Her chin. Her ears. When Santana tries to reciprocate, Brittany stops her softly.
"Just let me do this for you…"
And finally, when Brittany is finished thoroughly loving Santana, they hold each other. She feels that part of herself breaking loose and a sob sneaks out of Santana's own throat. She clings tighter to Brittany and she feels okay and right and fulfilled instead of weak and worthless, and empty.
"I love you," she murmurs desperately.
"Good, 'cause I love you, too," Brittany returns, her voice thick with tears. "But do you love yourself?"
"Yes," Santana whispers.
The End.