Title: Never Again
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (manga-verse)
Word Count: 1,749
Characters/Pairings: Roy, Riza, Ed, Izumi; some Royai
Timeline/Spoilers: current storyline; major spoilers for chapter 102, some lines taken directly from the manga
Summary: Roy Mustang is a dreamer... and dreams never truly die.
Notes: Repetition is intentional for emphasis.
Disclaimer: I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. It is property of Hiromu Arakawa-sensei. The lyrics from the beginning are from Snow Patrol's Run. The quote at the end is taken from A Separate Peace (by far one of my favourite novels) by John Knowles.
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To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
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He'd lost it all.
All his planning, all the battles, all the sacrifices, all the blood spilled, all the years wasted, all the fear, all the pain and suffering, all the aimless hope, all the desperation, all the friends' graves, all the promises, all the dreams...
All, all, all of it had been for naught.
"A man who had a grand vision to save his country loses his eyesight, forever deprived of seeing what his beloved nation will become."
Only darkness remained. They - Truth - had destroyed his hope, his dream, his very purpose - his reason for trudging on through this cruel world. His final wish had been shattered.
He'd fallen.
Despair and the harsh realities devoured him...
Devoured him... Devoured him... Devoured him...
Never again would he see the light of the day or the desolate moon at nightfall.
Never again would he see the smiling, hope-filled faces of his comrades, or the terrorized and tormented ones of the people that served to propel him forward, towards that pipe dream.
Never again would he see that crisp blond hair or those burgundy eyes that bore into his very soul. Eyes that once held childhood's innocent gleam -though always older than their years- and had looked up at him with admiration. Eyes that were later consumed by caliginosity, obscurities, and fear, then level with his own, and asking the same question over and over again - Why? Eyes that now swelled with a hard determination, that showcased resilience and stubbornness and courage and austerity and coldness and- ...and warmth and worry and concern and disquiet and -if he wasn't mistaken- even the scantiest bit of blue sky - faith. Faith in his plan, faith in the future, faith in him.
Never again would he see those delicate, white hands - hands that had both comforted him and killed for him. Hands warmed by the slightest touch from his own and cold from toting a weapon.
Never again would he see that mouth of hers. Soft, yet firm. Images of her anguished face with those lips spread apart wide in horror haunted him still, but it was well worth it to see that radiant smile; a smile that had long since lost the carefree air about it, but a smile so rarely revealed that one can't help but note the sincerity of it when displayed. A smile such as that... reserved for him, and only him. And perhaps there was a trace of love tucked into it, as well. Love he didn't -could never- deserve, but love he longed for and craved, nonetheless.
Never again... Never again... Never again...
A voice reached through and pulled him from his clouded thoughts. Her voice.
"Colonel... Colonel... Sir...! Roy Mustang...!" she sussurated, kneeling in front of him in desperation.
Hands were at his shoulders, shaking him awake from the nightmare.
Except it wasn't just a nightmare - a bad dream that came to life when the lights went out. Oh, no. It was far too real for that. A terror whose grasp he would never fully rid himself of. Always it would be in the back of his mind, waiting for a false step or a moment of weakness. And then, it would strike. For when the lights went out, they stayed out. No longer just a trance, but actuality.
The Truth.
xxx
"Is that you, Lieutenant?" Though he needn't have bothered asking. He knew her voice better than his own.
She released the breath she hadn't known she'd been holding. "Oh, Sir... I thought you'd- For a moment, it seemed-" Relief flooded her. "Thank goodness you're safe."
"Don't exert yourself over me, Lieutenant. I'm quite alright." If only he meant it. He tried sounding casual, but she saw right through his act. Something was off; Riza could feel it.
"Sir... What's wrong, Sir?"
"Nothing, Hawkeye. You, on the other hand, should be more careful. With those injuries of yours... You shouldn't be up and about already." His smile looked more like a grimace.
"Look me in the eyes, Sir," she all but begged. "Please."
He kept his face blank, conveying no emotion. She couldn't have seen through him already. Damn, she was perceptive.
"Let's not get worked up over nothing. Come on now, I'm sure Fullmetal needs some assistance."
"I'm right here, Colonel," came a weak call from behind. The Fullmetal Alchemist's face was a swirl of melancholy and regret.
Riza's heart skipped a beat. Why wouldn't he look her in the eyes?
Realization hit like one of her bullets. Her breath hitched.
...No. It couldn't be. It just couldn't!
Not to the Flame Alchemist. Not to the 'Hero of Ishbal'. Not to her Colonel. He was Roy Mustang for God's sake! Hadn't he been through enough?
No... No... No!
She wouldn't let him see her cry. She would show no weakness. She'd be strong enough for the both of them. She'd-
But the tears had already began spilling.
Roy felt the droplets on his hand. He'd always hated the rain.
"Don't cry, Riza." His voice had gone husky. "Not for my sake." He failed to notice the water flowing freely from his now empty eyes.
His First Lieutenant made no reply. It saddened her further to see him in such a vulnerable state. He always put on a tough front, but, on the inside, he was just as human as the rest of them.
Edward turned from the pitiful pair, not wanting them to see the sorrow etched into his features.
"I'm sorry, Sir. If only I hadn't been injured, then I'd have been there to protect you. And this... wouldn't have happened," she rambled on pathetically. "I was supposed to watch your back. This- this is all my fault."
"You can't blame yourself for my mistakes. Hell, half the population'll tell you I deserve this. Most petty of all... I agree with them," he lamented. "I mean, who was I kidding? What was I thinking? That I could just waltz right into headquarters and unseat the Fuhrer? It was naive of me... a foolish pipe dream. I'm just sorry that you all had to suffer for it."
"You're wrong, Colonel," Ed piped in quietly. "It was -still is- a good dream. You wanted change, so you went out and did something about it. So what if we got hurt along the way? All of your subordinates and friends chose to help you of their own accord because they believed in you. They had faith that you could make it. And, I'm not ashamed to admit that I was among them."
"That was then, and this is now. Just look at me, Edward. I'm nothing. I can't even fight properly. It's like you always said, Riza. I'm useless."
"That's not true, Sir!" his most trusted subordinate cried. "You're not useless at all. You're probably the best thing that's happened to this country. You stood up and fought for your ideals. I was -and always will be- proud to be there, watching your back and pushing you to the top." Sorrow overtook her a second time, as she was made aware of the irony of her words. "I'm just regretful that I wasn't there when you needed me most, though."
"GET UP!" a booming voice rang throughout the arena. "What do you think you're doing? Stop drowning yourselves in self-pity and get the hell up!"
"Teacher," Edward started lamely.
"Don't you 'Teacher' me, Edward Elric," barked Izumi Curtis.
Said former student bolted upright. "Yes, ma'am," he replied shakily.
"And what are you still doing, wallowing on the floor?" She looked pointedly at Mustang. "Don't you know what 'Get up' means?"
Hawkeye glared daggers at the other woman. "As you can see, he's been gravely injured, and-"
"So what? You're hurt? Get up. You've fallen to the ground? Get up. The enemy's got you pinned down? Get up! Isn't that what dogs do? They get up every time and keep trudging forward. Why should dogs of the military be any different? Edward,"-and she gave him that look of hers that said 'Do it, or else'-"tell these two pitiful creatures what I told you each time you were ready to give up because something was 'too difficult'."
A small, nostalgic smile lit up the young alchemist's face. "Stand up and walk. Move on. After all, you have two perfect legs to stand on."
"Well?" Ed's former teacher turned towards Mustang. "You heard the boy."
Roy was incensed. "Don't you see the state I'm in? How can a blind man run the country? How can he fight? I can't even 'stand up and walk' without tripping over a pipe!" His voice rose with every syllable."Not that you would understand the situation. I'm no more than a good-for-nothing dog of the military to you. Leave me here and get out while you still can."
"You just don't get it, do you?" Izumi's gaze bore down on him menacingly. "I know all about your goals and going-ons here in Central. Edward divulged it all to me. The only reason anyone has made it this far is because of you! You dared to dream. You went against the upper brass. You wanted to save the nation. And if you're not going to follow through with it, then who will?"
Silence ensued as the words sunk in.
Riza spoke up softly. "I think it's a wonderful dream." All focused their attention on her. "I always have. From the day you were first apprenticed to my father, I knew there was something special about you. Call it a young girl's fancy, but I knew you were destined for great things. I entrusted my back to you -the secrets of flame alchemy- because I knew you'd use them for the greater good. And you still can. I believe in you."
Something in Roy's face changed then.
xxx
We know not what the future holds, but know this: Roy Mustang is a dreamer and will be until the end of time... for dreams never truly die.
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"There was no harm in taking aim, even if the target was a dream."
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owari
A/N: Eh... so what do you think? I've never been particularly good at plot-driven stories. I lean more toward character introspection and retrospection, but I just had to do something for 102! That chapter was so epic and depressing. D: I mean, first off Roy going blind! (Caught me off guard, but it really fits in with the story.) One of my favourite parts was when Truth expressed the irony of their situation.
"The truth is cruel. A pair of brothers who abandoned reason and tried to resurrect their departed mother, seeking her warmth once more... One loses a leg to stand by himself and his only remaining family. The other his ability to feel the warmth he so desperately missed.
A woman who tried to bring back her dead child, only to end up with a body that will never again nurture the seed of life. And...
A man who had a grand vision to save his country loses his eyesight, forever deprived of seeing what his beloved nation will become.
All bestowed their proper punishment, pun in their place, robbed of your pride. This is what you humans revered as you God... The 'Truth'."
Secondly, Al and his body! It was so noble of him to return in his armor body, but his body's ominous words... I don't think it's likely that he'll get another chance to regain his body... :(
And of course a 'battle between two nameless warriors'! Arakawa-sensei, from the beginning, said she had a name for Scar. I get the feeling that it'll soon be revealed!(;
Arakawa-sensei is freaking amazing! :D
And don't ask me how Roy, Riza, and Ed had time for the mini self-pity party and Izumi for her pep talk because, frankly, I have no idea. xD
Till Next Time,
Sora(: