Airs of a Queen
Disclaimer: A one shot, written for one of my home girls in the Alistair FC. It's Anora/Arden Cousland femme slash, and it's looong. I have not read over it, but I will, so if there are typos…my apology :D I do not own Dragon Age.
Ever since Anora had been young she'd had an air about her that suggested she might be the true monarch of the world. Sometimes she had seemed so graceful, cunning, and worthy that it seemed a crime she was not. Ever since childhood she had followed Cailan around as she would sometime in the future- not following at all, leading, pulling, and making every choice. To those who did not know Anora this was an endearing sign of her future position, a suggestion that perhaps her marriage to Cailan would be filled with love and perfection from knowing one another from the very beginning. To those who knew her it was nothing like that in the slightest.
Not too long after Anora had lost her mother and moved to the palace she had made a new friend. For the entirety of the year she'd been in the palace before meeting her new friend, she had run about with Cailan and known him to be her friend. Then she had met Arden Cousland. Anora could recall thinking that if anyone had the right by blood to be Queen, it might be Arden. She had been born a Cousland, a high ranking noble, and Anora had been born a commoner. But after only a day Anora had seen that blood truly meant as little as she cared to acknowledge. Arden was kind, caring, and beautiful- but she was nothing like the cunning Anora.
To her bewilderment, this was by choice, and not by the lack of ability. It had taken only a few days into the young Couslands visit for Anora to find herself enjoying her presence. Arden had somehow taken the same liking to her and before she knew it Arden was following swiftly behind she and Cailan as they put themselves into situations they really shouldn't. But while Cailan had remained her friend during this time Anora had found herself enjoying the presence of the far more relatable Arden. How did one relate to someone they did not share a common goal with? Anora had this idea in her head since birth, but around Arden even as a little girl she knew the answer. One part of Anora, the future Queen, determined it was because she was not a threat. The other part determined that it must be because she had made a true friend who didn't have to be her friend, but chose to be.
Arden had been awkward around her at times, she was a little younger than Anora and so sometimes she'd fall behind Cailan and Anora simply due to her smaller figure. In Arden's opinion Anora had been extremely beautiful, endearing, and simply fun to be around. The air about her suggesting her importance had never been doubted for a moment by Arden, and she'd respected her with wide eyed awe ever since the first day she'd met her. What had started as just her father's visit to the palace had turned into one of the best times of her life so far. When it was almost time to leave she begged her father to let her stay and he had sighed in playful frustration. After speaking with his fellow Teryn and even the king himself, he'd decided she could return a fair amount. At the very least he knew his daughter would gain an important friendship from these visits.
The first time she left, Anora had been sad. She showed her sorrow and dislike of losing a friend she had just made by acting out a little bit more in her adventures with Cailan. He was still a friend to her but she knew someday they would marry and somehow this put an impenetrable wall between them that she suspected might not even disappear until they'd been married a good long while. She missed Arden terribly but did not say anything, because she knew her friend would be back. So she waited and waited, her days spent adventuring with Cailan in toe, somehow a little emptier.
The many visits over the years gave Anora a friend to trust and Arden something to look forward to. Even Cailan enjoyed Arden's visits, but not nearly as much as his betrothed did. Finally, when Anora was growing into a beautiful young lady with a slim tall figure, Arden was following after her, not as tall nor not as slender. She still had the touch of youth and adolescence in her while Anora was slowly drifting off into the future. This was a future, Arden realized, where she might not be very involved at all. It was one where Cailan was king and Anora was queen and Arden was still a Teryn's daughter. It was funny how Anora had acknowledged this too, but she did not forget about Arden nor did she push her away.
By the next visit, Arden had become a young lady as well and she still had the air of awkwardness and fragility she always had around Anora. Anora's grace only become more apparent and Arden felt as though soon she would become forgotten, never realizing that her fears would not come true until Maric was dead. When they had been alone in the palace one night, talking of simple matters and making jokes here and there at Cailan's expense, Arden had finally realized what it was she felt for Anora. It was not friendship that made her long to return, but instead something more. At first Arden knew she should keep it to herself, and so she did. Her will was wavering however, not nearly as strong as Anora's. Had she realized her feelings as soon as Anora did, she would have never been able to keep a straight face. Anora was much more able, though, and as soon as she realized she cared for Arden more than she should have she simply ignored the feelings and locked them away.
Anora was to be queen, after all, and she could not bring herself to throw that away for something fruitless.
Before she left, Arden had kissed Anora. Anora had not been repulsed or furious, but instead cold. "We cannot do that again, do you understand?" In one sentence, she had both lifted Arden's heart and crushed it. It had been both of them partaking in a kiss, something that would never happen between them ever again. Arden had nodded and retreated to her room in despair. In the quiet of her room Anora suddenly felt a pain in her chest and realized she felt a little guilty and sad for calling her own feelings fruitless, no matter how true the word might have been
As Arden Cousland looked in the mirror at her silky dress and her perfect make up, she felt all the memories from the past surround her. She looked pretty and noble because today she had returned to the castle to see two long time friends who would soon be married. The kingdom was in mourning for King Maric, and preparing for the coronation of their new king, Cailan, and his impending marriage to Anora Mac Tir. She had not yet seen Anora and so she wanted to make sure that she looked as good as she possibly good. 'No,' she thought to herself, 'Perhaps good is not the right word….'
Presentable. She needed to be presentable in front of the future Queen.
Arden turned towards the door and looked at the room around her. This was the room she had stayed in for many years and yet not it felt so foreign. The fine silk tapestry and the beautiful rug that stretched a good portion of the floors no longer felt graceful and welcoming, it was foreign and scary. Her castle was luxurious but built stone by stone. It had left her familiar with the cold feeling of rock and steel and a penchant for wielding weapons. If Anora could see her as she began to develop power she would most certainly remember the difference between them. Anora was graceful and soon she would be queen, while Arden was so far from that.
'Will she even wish to see me beyond formality?' Arden's father had been the one who suggested this in the first place. "Come now pup, she will not be able to be just your friend for much longer. She's always been Cailain's betrothed, but now she will be his wife. You should see her while you still can outside of formalities and dull noble affairs" Arden knew he was right, of course, and she'd wished to see Anora after the odd events of the past, but she could not bring herself to come to the palace for long passages of time anymore. She took a deep breathe and walked outside of the room, hoping she would not have to encounter Anora very much if at all.
Arden attempted to walk with grace as she treaded the hallways of the royal palace. She could faintly recall running through them, and then accompanying Anora with them. It had been so much easier to walk with dignity and grace when Anora was in front of her. Cailan always seemed to walk with dignity but never much honor or even much beyond his air of shallow desires. Arden liked Cailan but next to Anora he was little more than a figurehead. Next to Anora she felt like she could transmit the same graceful heir- like Anora helped her keep her dignity. She wanted to laugh when she finally realized the good feeling she got next to Anora was love, not simple admiration.
Ironically, the first of the people she truly encountered was not Anora. Rather, a busy Cailan came down the hallway with several servants crowding him about unnecessary things. Cailan looked like his typical self, if not a little bit tired and gaunt, more than likely due to the loss of his father and the immediate responsibility piled upon him. "Arden," he said in slight surprise, "Good to see you. Sorry I don't have much time to talk, a lot to do…." She shook her head. "It's alright, I understand." Cailan nodded and began walking off, but paused. He turned back to her. "Well, I suppose I can spare a moment for an old friend. You're here to visit with Anora, right?" Arden felt a little guilty, yes that had been the main reason, but she had been Cailan's friend too. "For the most part," she said with a nod.
"I don't know where she is at the moment, but I'm sure she'll take a few moments from the day to stop by and see you." Arden felt like running away at that point. Of course she would, and would there be servants and attendants with her? She doubted that Anora would let things continue as they had been before. She had to see her at least one to be hospitable, but she did not have to speak to her as she once did. Perhaps it was already too late given that she would soon be Queen. "Thank you Cailan…..and how are you fairing?" Cailan looked to his servants and then back at her. "Fine," he said with a hint of dishonesty. After a moment Arden realized he really couldn't say he was both upset and excited, or get very in detail with her. "Good to hear it," she said with an equally dishonest hint to her voice, "I will see you later my friend." Cailan then took his leave of her. If seeing Anora again would be half as awkward as that then she wasn't looking forward to it.
There was a sinking feeling in her stomach as she walked around a corner and saw an open door. There were many books in that room, if she recalled, and she might as well sit down and occupy herself as opposed to walking around dazed hoping she would not run into the future Queen. Even the silk fabric felt chaffing as she walked so heavily and her make up felt smothering as she got more and more nervous. Yet she somehow maintained proper posture and kept a straight face. She had to accept that she would need to see Anora.
Or perhaps the hard thing was accepting she wanted to see Anora.
The fine shoes she wore made a distinct tapping sound for every step she took, the carpet in the hallway did not completely extend across the floor and as her eyes had begun to sink to the floor and her mind began to be preoccupied, she had begun to step on stone on purpose. The distinct clicking was probably was held her attention for long enough to hide the distinct sounds of servants and the voice of a familiar voice. Before she knew it she was looking up and seeing several elves and human women looking at the woman who was looking right at her. In front of her was Anora, and she was surrounded by many women. In front of her was Anora, and she was very busy.
In front of her was Anora and she was just as beautiful as ever.
Arden wanted to run up to her and hug her but would that even be right? Before she could think harder on the topic Anora smiled at her. "Good to see you," she said in her ever polite voice. But beyond the politeness was the familiar trace of friendship she'd always held even in the worst moments between them. It felt like a cool breeze on her face and she smiled in return. "And you, Anora," just as she always had before Anora was able to assuage the feelings of uncertainty and incompetence she felt just at the suggestion of being near her. But then there was the bitter sweet feeling that came soon after… and she realized she should not let it over joy her so much.
Anora looked to her sides. "Well, I can't talk at the moment. But I shall see you later at supper, I hope? And then later perhaps we will be able to catch up on old times," one would certainly expect you could catch up simply at dinner, but there were things that could only be between them at other times. Did that mean there was something to discuss of that nature even now? The thought made Arden feel confused, but she supposed she should wait until then. "I would like nothing more," she said with a telling smile. Anora smiled and then walked passed her, servants in tow.
Deep inside, Arden felt the same spark inside of her as she did when she kissed Anora those years ago. She knew it wasn't right, but perhaps for the rest of their lives this would be the only time.
Dinner had been pleasant. The food had been excellent and for the first time since she'd arrived Arden felt like she did when she was younger: welcome. She had half expected King Maric to come and sit at the table but he was gone now, and so were those days from so long ago. But Cailan spoke to her like he was not about to be king, and Anora, while slightly more dignified, obviously still regarded her with deep friendship. It felt like things were fine just yesterday. After she ate she felt positively silly. Where was the noble daughter of Bryce Cousland that she normally was? She was awkward when it came to people she cared about, but ever since her father had mentioned it she had found herself in a state of confusion and timidness.
It only got worse when she got to her room. She sat down on her bed and wondered if Anora would want to meet her somewhere else. If she did then perhaps she really did just want to catch up on some things, talk about anxieties or more likely her excitement. If she came here then perhaps there might be more. Either way, her father was right. This would probably be the last time they talked about what she would come here for. Anora would soon be the Queen and soon there would be not even be the opportunity to visit her often. She suddenly regretted that she had come a lot less in the later years of their friendship.
Arden looked at the mirror she had been starring at earlier. Her perfectly arranged hair had begun to grow slightly worse for wear and her make up was fading. She stood and walked over to the mirror and took down the pins holding her long blonde hair in the beautiful pinned up fashion she preferred and began trying to put it back into place, hoping to look a little more presentable for when Anora arrived. As she began to pull her hair back up a knock came to the door. She stopped messing with her hair and put the pins on the table, walking over to the door to open it.
"Hello," Anora said with a smile. There were no attendants behind her and Arden felt a little more relieved that there wouldn't be onlookers who could see her unruly hair undone as she spoke to the future Queen. Anora walked in and Arden shut the door behind her, "You know, you should wear your hair like that more. You don't always have to dress to impress, you actually look quite lovely with that hairstyle." Anora was frankly very bad at pleasantries, she was more meant for cunning. But Arden felt rather flustered by her king words, knowing if she could say them with a straight face she believed them to be true. "Thank you, Anora."
Arden walked near Anora, but not too close, and smiled. "How does it feel?" Anora shifted, "Well, I'll admit it's soon, and truthfully, Cailan and I are-" Arden shook her head suddenly. "How does it feel to be the future Queen?" Anora stopped for a moment. "Right. It feels right." Arden's smile was no longer that of mere friendship, but of admiration. "When we were younger, I admired that air you have about you so much. You were meant to be Queen, I always thought that when we were smaller. Cailan I was never too sure about, other than the fact that he looked like his father, but you….you were meant for this. You deserve it." Anora looked at her with a moment of awkwardness, and then some sort of pride in her smile.
"I appreciate the praise," Anora said with a hesitant tone, "But is your praise a way of ignoring the truth you know comes with it?" Arden would have liked very much not to ever say she was happy for Anora to be marrying Cailan. It was childish jealousy of him. If she could be sole ruler then perhaps it would be better for the throne and perhaps it would even leave room for her to envision some distant and impossible romance. But with the way it was truly playing out her praise undoubtedly meant she was celebrating their union, because without it Anora was not a queen beyond the air she held about her.
"The truth is you deserve it, and you will be a good Queen," Arden said flatly as if the happiness had been sucked out of it. "The truth is also that I am happy you will get what you have always deserved." Anora looked at her with understanding but said nothing. "But there is no truth in that I am happy you are to be married." Anora shone a knowing smile, one that if Arden did not know her she might have taken to be condescending, and spoke, "I have never shunned the way you feel and I have never doubted for a moment you would not be happy with the arrangement. I do not scorn you for the way you feel," Arden looked at her.
"Truly?" she asked, almost feeling like she should be near tears, but she did her best to prevent that. Anora nodded. "Truly." There was silence for what seemed like a long while and then Anora spoke up. "The truth is, I felt like everything that should be said needed to be said tonight. And then, after this, you will need to forget it all and do what you must as the Teryn's daughter, and I will do what I need to as the Queen." Arden was unsure what to think of this statement. Did Anora expect her to poor her heart out in a confession of love and admiration? She'd kissed her but never stated how she felt outright. Arden would like to do that, but was it really what Anora wanted? Suddenly, Anora spoke first.
"The thing I want most is to be Queen. It has been my ideal and my dream ever since I was a child. You know that don't you? But there are other things I wanted, things I have sacrificed and come to terms with because as a woman, I must sacrifice more in order to obtain power. I have never faltered and I have never let people take what I believe is rightfully mine." Arden listened, knowing all of this by heart but feeling her heart flutter as every assumption she made about Anora seemed to come true. It made her feel like her love had not been some misplaced affection.
"That is why when I realized how I felt about you I quickly forgot about it. Were I not engaged to the King, then perhaps there might have been something there. Perhaps. But I have never known a future for myself that was not as the Queen. If it had not been given to me I would have done whatever was in my power to ensure it for myself. You know this, and yet you had to reveal your feelings for me. It is harder to pretend in situations like that, you understand? You are the only friend who never seemed interested in gaining things from me, you just enjoyed being in my company. If my future husband felt that way, then this marriage might be more than just a political arrangement." Was that really all it was? Had their friendship provided them with no adequate bond, or time to prepare for the inevitability? "Don't get me wrong, I won't be miserable in this arrangement. It will get me what I want," Anora said bluntly.
"But I can only say this to you, because I know you would understand it…understand it and not find me deplorable. You are the only one who I know will not simply hate me for something such as that," Anora admitted as she sat down, no longer pacing awhile making eye contact with her. "But if I continue to love you, then it will do nothing for either of us," Arden's mind stopped right there. Suddenly it was as if the room was a cheery room of velvets and silks that had welcomed her since young age. Her heart fluttered and began to beat rapidly and she knew that she could not comprehend the words being said to her. Did Anora truly love her? "So I will tell you now that I have loved you since the two of us were young. I have missed you horribly whenever you were gone and I missed you in a way that I do not think a friend should."
Arden kissed her before she could continue. Rather than simply oppose it, she kissed her in return. Anora smelled like something beautiful- was it a type of flower or a sweet fruit? She could not bring herself to part the kiss, but after a moment it was parted for her. Anora looked at her for a moment, her hand wrapped in Arden's long hair, before moving back from her. "I love you," Arden declared, "And I have for a long time, before I ever knew it…before I could ever understand love," Anora wrapped her in a hug, and her voice became distant. "I know," her tone was colder, "I know, and now it must end, this love for me. Just as my love for you must. From now on we must simply regard one another as friends, you understand?"
Arden's mouth was open and her body was tingling from the touch of Anora's. She forced out a silent 'yes', and then she repeated it louder, and more firmly, "Yes." Anora broke the hug and then stood. "Our friendship was the happiest part of my life, Arden. Please remember that, because it is the truth." Then, Anora walked from her room. She had the same air about her, the same posture, and she was the same beautiful woman. But she had forbidden Arden from loving her and Arden knew this was right. Soon she would be the Queen and one day Arden would move on, but for now Arden's mind was stuck on Anora. To Arden, Anora would always be unforgettable.
Because Anora was, more than anything, the one who could rule anything. No, the one who should rule everything, and that included Arden's heart.