It's amazing how with all the number of the deaths the world population is still increasing. Here are seven that have helped with the natural selection process. We have a connoisseuse who gets spiked, a scam artist whose career plummets, a druggie who has half a mind, the stuntman who gets stuck in his work, the runner who overdoses, and a drug tester goes from bagging to getting bagged. These dumbasses are the definition of natural selection and we get thank them here on 1000 Ways to Die.
Date: June 21, 2004
Orlando, Florida
Marcia has a major problem, she's broke. She can't find a steady job and she's relying on her mom's social security check to live, but it isn't giving her the life she prefers. She's tried starting her own business, but she has no experience in any field after she flunked out of college. It's Marcia's mother's birthday and Marcia decides to watch TV. She goes to the food network and sees a food connoisseur judging food and its ingredients. A connoisseur is a master in a certain area like wine. He has his own TV show. Marcia decides to combine her two favorite things, eating, and getting attention to try to make money. Marcia decides to be a fraudulent food connoisseuse. Marcia thinks it'll be easy since she has eaten tons of foods in her lifetime. She spends the next few weeks studying up on food recipes trying to memorize them so she doesn't have to work to tell what's inside the foods she eats. She finally saves up enough of her mom's money to go to a local Mediterranean themed restaurant. Kaylee Birmingham Nutritionist: "The Western Diet is an unhealthy diet common throughout America that consists of foods with fats and preservatives. The Mediterranean diet is a much healthier diet that consists of more natural foods like fruits, vegetables, and legumes. This type of diet is actually one of the healthiest diets and people who choose that over the Western Diet can live up to decades longer than people who eat the Western Diet." Marcia gets a solo seat and a waitress of whom she is rude to. "Hurry up with my drink if you want to get tipped." As she is waiting for her drink she demands a man behind her to give her some of his salad. He refuses at first, but she talks him into it. When the waitress returns she asks a question that makes her look stupid. "Did you use spring onions in this salad?" "Yes, you that what it says on the menu now give that man back his salad."
Marcia knows at this rate she'll never be successful as a food connoisseuse. She decides to go all out and ask for the special. "I'll have the Deep Sea Surprise." "No, no trust me you do not want" "Give me the Deep Sea Surprise." The waitress has no choice, but to serve her. When she returns with the order she tries to warn Marcia again. I need to warn you about what's in there." "Shut up, I want to be the judge of what's in this Deep Sea Surprise." "I warned you." Marcia takes a bite and swallows. Before she can guess what is inside the Deep Sea Surprise, a new ingredient is added to the dish she didn't expect. (Marcia starts hacking up blood) "I warned her." (Marcia starts panicking and hacking up blood all over the place) (soon after, she collapses onto another customer's table and dies) Her own death. Marcia should've listened to the waitress, that Deep Sea Surprise was a Mediterranean delicacy that had the ingredient of a raw sea urchin. When she took a bite, she didn't chew enough times to blunt the spines of the urchin and when she swallowed it, it shredded her esophagus sending her to the land above. Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan Physical Medicine & Rehab: "When the woman swallowed this sea urchin with the spines pointing down it would have cut open the blood vessels in the esophagus causing bleeding. However, food moving down the esophagus is a muscular reflex so as the muscles contracted, it pushed the spines further in causing even more damage and bleeding causing her to exsanguinate."
Marcia was a rude fraud who stole her mom's money to try and jumpstart her own scam. She should've realized money can't buy happiness, instead it bought her, her own demise.
Way to Die #941
Dead-iterranean Sea
Date: July 29, 2009
Los Angeles, CA
Ever since 9/11, airport security has become much more serious and nearly impossible to bypass. They will check everything from your luggage to your coat pockets. There are hundreds of ways people have tried to smuggle illegal things. Today, there is a flight that's scheduled to go to Colombia. All the passengers are arriving at the airport, but there is someone amongst them committing a crime that can land them in jail for a while. No, it's not a stowaway, it's this guy. His name is Chris Bailey and he is part of what's called a drug muling operation. His method of muling drugs is a very tactful, but very dangerous strategy called body packing. Kerri Laron Police Officer: "Body packing is a technique where a powdered drug is poured into capsules like the fingers of gloves, wrapped up in plastic wrap, dipped in iodine to prevent choking and infection, and then swallowed by an individual. This makes the drugs unable to be detected by airport security and brought from location to location. Once they get to their location, they have to defecate these capsules and sell the drugs to the intended buyer. These drug mules can be paid very well. However, this process is very dangerous and has been known to kill the mules that are transporting." Chris was hired his friend's drug dealer to swallow the capsules and take them to Colombia and sell them hoping to get a lot of money from a drug lord there. Being desperate for money and stupid enough to think it was a good idea; Chris went along with the plan. The drug dealer had already bought him a ticket to Colombia so Chris, who refused to pay for it, would go along with the plan. Chris was had an entire pound of Big H in his stomach. He brought a wheeled luggage to carry clothes that will conceal the money he receives, and a suitcase to make him look like he's going on a business trip.
As Chris enters the airport he tries to look as official as possible. He tries to draw as little attention to himself as possible. While there many can't help but find it weird that he has a suitcase with him yet he is wearing casual clothing. Chris goes to the airport cargo hold check-in. The woman there is suspicious and asks him a question. "Sir, why are you putting your luggage in cargo if you're not bringing that much on board?" Chris panics and says the first thing he can think of. "This is my first time on a plane and I don't know the process to well. That excuse would've worked a decade ago, but the woman calls security and they do a full search of Chris's body and luggage. They find nothing suspicious other than Chris sweating an abnormal amount. Without any explanation, they come to the conclusion that Chris was telling the truth and let him through. When Chris gets to the metal detector he is in a hurry to catch his flight. He faces a second delay. Someone had left a search box on the floor. (Chris steps in box and falls over) "I'm okay." Everyone breathes a sigh of relief and Chris passes through the metal detector. He is on the conveyor belt heading towards the boarding area when he is overcome with a weird sensation. (Chris starts laughing really loud, gets dizzy, and collapses dead) We got a dead man moving. When Chris fell on the ground he hit his stomach at the perfect angle and with enough force it broke half the capsules causing half a pound of heroin to go into his system, beyond surpassing the lethal dose. The heroin went through his system and attacked his heart the increased heartbeat resulted in a cardiac arrhythmia and subsequent heart attack killing him.
The drug trade is a deadly business for those involved. Chris thought he'd go in on it and was coma-dosed, to dead.
Way to Die #200
Brown Chris-tal
Coming up, a child abuser finds out it's not easy being blue, and if you think bean bags are for kids check out these guys.
Date: April 4, 1999
Danville, KY
After a long hard day at work, two police officers can't wait to get home. They love their job, but today they had to deal with more than usual. It was late at night and they were hoping to get back to the station no problem so they could get home to their families. However, this ride would be anything but smooth. They near a stop sign and (a guy comes out in front of the police car freaking out) a drug addict named Benny comes out in front of them. Benny is a drug lord wannabe thought he would start his own business by making the drug Phencyclidine or PCP. He tested out his own product and got stoned. The psychotic effects of the PCP got benny into the streets and ended up in front of this police car in a psychotic episode. The two cops recognize this and need to arrest him for illicit drug use. Benny demands them to make a tough choice. "Either kill me or leave me alone." The two police officers want to get home and know killing him would be the fastest way to, but they worry their jobs will be at risk. They make their decision, and get out a shot gun. This is no normal shot gun; the ammunition in it is what's known as a bean bag round. Ira Banks Gun Shop Owner: "The bean bag round is a non-lethal type of ammunition used to stun a person. The bean bag consists of a fabric bag filled with small lead balls. These beans are pretty light, but if you get hit with one it's going to hurt. If it hits the right place, it can end up being ironically lethal." The officer takes aim at Benny, but it's hard with him moving. He fires and it hits him right in the sternum. Unfortunately, PCP makes the user immune to pain, so Benny was right back on his feet. He is now a homicidal maniac.
"What's going on, even on the PCP, he should be on the ground?" "Try again." The police officer fires round two. (shoots bean bag at Benny) He is nailed in the chest again. Benny is starting to stumble a little, but he is still strong enough to go back into his rampage. The police officers have had it, they are tired, it's late, and this guy needs to get arrested. The police officers doubt this one will work, but they have no other alternatives. They fire one last round hoping to take him down. We all know the phrase third time's the charm. (police officer shoots bean bag and it hits Benny's chest in slow motion and Benny falls back) It hasn't failed us. Dr. Ramon Cestero Trauma Surgeon: "When the first bean bag was fired, it hit with so much force it caused a fracture right between the rib and sternum. When the second round was fired, it hit where the rib starts to curve and dislocated the rib. When the third round fired, it was the final blow. The bean bag hit the rib with enough force it speared the heart all the way to the center which is hollow and this killed him."
Benny was hoping to get bags of money with his bag of angel dust. When he took the bag, he was bagged by the officers. They tried to get him bagged by using bean bags. Benny may not have been bagged but he was, capped.
Way to Die #175
I've Bean Dead
Date: March 26, 2009
Akron, OH
(man with blue skin is shown on hospital bed dying) A father dying in front of his three kids and wife is no doubt a heartbreaking scene, but after learning why he's here, you might not care. For the past few weeks now Gareth has been dying on his hospital bed of, well let's not say yet. We will say this though, it was his own fault. Let's go back to where this story began. Gareth is father of three kids and husband to a loving wife. Gareth isn't so loving towards. He is a child abuser. Once each of his kids turned five he starts subjecting them to physical, mental and emotional abuse. When his kids aggravated him, the kids would run to their rooms and lock their doors. Gareth eventually removed them. His three kids lived in constant fear of his wrath. He'd even go as far as making them feel useless. "Why can't you do anything right Paula? It's so simple an earthworm could do it. So clearly you're more incompetent than an earthworm. Still I knew that before this happened." His children would often be reduced to tears and seek the sanctuary of their friends places to avoid this monster of a father. Kerri Laron Police Officer: "There is no reasonable excuse for abusing a child. It is extremely illegal, but we have no clue why people do it. You have the parents who are usually loving and caring but when their children do something wrong and go too far in disciplining them. Then, there are the kinds who like striking fear and having control over others and the abuse they inflict on the child gives them a sense of dominance and power and they want to feel that even more. Also, there are parents who just enjoy seeing others in pain and they know the child is much smaller than them so they see them as weak and defenseless and they take that to their advantage and then abuse that specific child." Gareth's favorite abuse method is dragging them along the carpet until they get rug burn, put salt on the burn, and then put ice from his super cold cooler on the burn. This would cause them excruciating pain. When his children were younger, they hope that there would be a light at the end of the tunnel, but after years of suffering his abuse, they lost all hope and were miserable. Sometimes they even wished to die.
One day, Paula gets home after a really long and hard day of school. Her unemployed father makes a demand. "Let me see your lunchbox." "Daddy, I just got home can I please just settle in first." "You show me your lunchbox now or you won't be eating dinner tonight." Paula gets her lunchbox and Gareth is infuriated. "I cannot believe you didn't finish your lunch." "I was starting to feel sick and I couldn't eat anymore." "I slaved over a hot stove making it for you and you couldn't even have the decency to finish it?" "You got it out of the fridge and mommy made it." "Are you talking back to me?!" "Um, no." "Shut up!" (whimper) Gareth had no mercy towards any of his kids, especially meek Paula. He chases Paula to her room with her in tears. "Please don't hurt me." "I'll do whatever I want with you." Gareth swings his fist at Paula and she panics. (Paula ducks and runs and Gareth punches a hole in the wall) Now let's get back to Gareth in the hospital. He came here after having symptoms of fever, rapid breath, shortness of breath, and cracked nails. Figure out why he's here. No? Well, here's why. When Gareth punched the hole in the wall it caused drywall dust to get expelled into Gareth's face and he inhaled it. This led to a condition to the longest condition, Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis, also known as silicosis. Paula was lucky, she was too far from the dust cloud to inhale any. After weeks of lying in the hospital, Gareth was finally dead (flatline) Gerry Robertson Carpenter: "Silicosis is a very serious condition. When the drywall dust gets inhaled it causes irritation to the lungs and overtime caused pulmonary edema or fluid buildup in the lungs, and he asphyxiated.
With Gareth gone his children can now breathe easier and have a better view on life. Now Gareth has no view and no life, he never had a life to begin with, but now it's prominent all the way through.
Way to Die #511
Parental Died-ance
Coming up, we have the only two people who think doing stunts while high is a good idea, and there's a reason it's called blood dope-ing.
Date: July 15, 2009
Hoover Dam, CO
It takes a lot to get into television. You need talent, dedication, and loyalty. Nick and Trevor had neither. They were nothing more than two alcoholic drug addicts who were so desperate for money they decided to try to make their own TV show. These guys were as good as actors as they were being sober. Without creativity or talent they decided to make a TV show out of the two things they loved most, drugs and risking their lives for the thrill of it. They came up with the title Drug Stunts. In each episode they would film they would get high on a drug, and then do a stupid stunt that could get them killed. Nick and Trevor would take anything from ecstasy, to whiskey, to LSD, to heroin. Their stunts were just as dangerous sober as taking a drug they took in the show. Nick and Trevor would do stuff like ride a zip line with no harness, to driving on the left side of a highway, even poking a sleeping bear with a stick. Surprisingly, neither the drugs nor stunts got them killed. In fact, it gave them so much of a thrill that they would try to kick it up a notch each episode. They would show their fellow drug addicts their show. A sober person would slap them and send them to rehab, but these fellow druggies were so high they loved the show and would all chip in to help them get further in it. They needed only one more episode before they could offer the show to a TV network and hopefully become rich and famous. There was one problem; they were out of ideas for stunts. Nick and Trevor had enough drugs to keep them going for five seasons of their show. They decided to go for a long shot. They combine three drugs and go out for a drive to get an idea. On the drive there they pass the Hoover Dam and they have their idea for the next episode.
Nick and Trevor decided on their most intense and stupid stunt ever. They would bungee jump off the Hoover Dam while high without measuring the bungee cord. Trevor had a bungee cord from one of the episodes where they attached the cord between both of their cars and one would drag the other around. After some arguing Nick was chosen as the one who was going to go first. To make a clean getaway in case they are caught, Trevor and Nick decide to do it on the end of the Hoover Dam. Nick takes his jump. (Nick jumps off the Hoover Dam and gets stuck) Nick got very lucky; the bungee cord they used was far too short so he never got close to the ground. Now, there was a problem. Nick was hanging upside down and was stuck. Trevor should've tried to help his friend, but after Nick jumped he got a sight of something he couldn't resist. Two hot girls going on a road trip taking pictures at the Hoover Dam. Being too perverted to resist, Trevor lost focus and left his friend hanging. If Nick wasn't so high he would've tried to climb up the cord. However, he was too high on his triple combo to think straight. He starts struggling and soon starts swinging. You won't even have to guess what's would happen next. (Nick swings into a rock and starts bleeding out his neck remarkably fast) (Trevor is still focusing on the two hot girls) (Nick tries to stop the bleeding in his neck, but is unable to and dies) Dr. Boyd Finders Surgeon : "This man was swinging with so much momentum that when his neck hit the sharp rock; it severed the carotid arteries and jugular veins. Once they are severed, you are going bleed out remarkably quickly. In this man's case, he was hanging upside down so the blood would start rushing to his head. Since all blood going to his head was being exited out this gash, he would bleed out much faster and die much more quickly.
Nick and Trevor thought they could get rich and famous by combining dumb with dumber. If they had become famous, it wouldn't have lasted forever. In reality, neither did Nick. Looks like Drug Stunts, will have to go solo.
Way to Die #165
Bungee Dump
Date: July 20, 2008
New York City, New York
Andrew Collin Evington or as he like to be called Ace, has a big problem. He used to be a world famous track and field star, but after failing a steroid test his career was ruined and now he lives in a middle class apartment. Ace had a girlfriend, but she left him after he had failed his steroid test and was unable to find a steady job. He spent his days training for the best thing he is able to compete in, a triathlon. Robert Rodrigues Referee: "A triathlon is an event that as the name suggests, contains three parts. There's a running portion, a bicycling portion and a swimming portion, not always in that order. Each part involves pushing your body to the limit and then surpass it. Very often times we get people dropping out of them so if you are going to be in one, you need to train hard prior to the event and pace yourself during the event itself." Ace was pumped for the event. He never learned his lesson and continued pumping himself with anabolic steroids. Ace did everything he could to try to make sure he could win the triathlon. He would stay up for days exercising until his muscles gave out. He'd wait a few hours and try again. As you can predict, this had a bad effect on Ace's health and his doctor ironically suggested he exercise less. "You need to decrease your exercise amount by half or you could cause permanent muscle damage." Ace didn't care about what his doctor said. He saw himself exercising less and less and he realized his doctor was right about the exercise regimen. Ace wasn't about to give up though; he looked on the internet to try to find some way to win the triathlon and he came across an idea.
The idea was an illegal practice called blood doping. Blood doping is where you take some of your own blood out, wait for some time and inject it back into yourself. This increases the number of red blood cells in your system so they deliver more oxygen to the brain giving you a higher energy level. Ace thought this was a good idea. The next day he bought a blood test syringe and saline bag. Ace was no doctor, but he did surprisingly a good job with drawing his blood. Once a month for four months, Ace would draw a pint of blood from his body and store it in the refrigerator. He did it more than necessary because blood cells can't survive 4 months even when refrigerated. A few hours before the triathlon, Ace decides to inject all four pints of blood into him at once. He warms the blood and puts it into a large saline bag. He sits down and sets himself up for his self-administration. Ace starts injecting all four pints into him. Almost instantly, Ace feels the effects, of the only blood cells surviving. He should've stopped there, but Ace was too determined to win to take any chances. Ace injects more and more of his own blood into himself. This cannot end well for Ace. Just as Ace is about to finish off the doping, he gets an unwanted visitor; (Ace drops dead with blood drooling out of his mouth) his own death. Jason Romero EMT: "When this man was injecting himself with the blood with a normal amount of blood in his bloodstream, it increased the oxygen content. Along with increasing the oxygen content, he was also exceeding the capacity of his bloodstream. An average adult bloodstream is made to hold 10 pints of blood or 1.25 gallons. The capacity was exceeded so much it caused his entire bloodstream to burst killing him instantly."
Ace was a dope who tried to dope to try and get ahead. He broke the law, went too far, and wound up getting, dead.
Way to Die #990
Blood Dope-ing
Coming up, a drifter slides to his own demise.
Date: March 17, 1998
Ypsilanti, Michigan
In a country with an increasing population, the need for the hospitality of others can be substantial. When finding someone to help with child care, most people resort to having a family member, neighbor, or babysitter help. If you need help over a longer period of time, never hire this guy Rufus. Rufus is a sick, twisted pervert who came up with a scam idea. He decided to become a drifter going to women's houses offering child care for a few weeks. In return he would ask for two things, 500 dollars and an exciting tour of the mothers regions. He would have some trouble getting women to agree to his recommendations, but occasionally found the woman who would fall for this scam. There was a catch, he would secretly steal money from the mothers while they were gone and hope they didn't notice. Rufus would always use his charisma to get a woman back to focusing on him if they ever got suspicious. He was very careful, and if the mother ever found out, it would be after he left and was way out of police's reach. This scam he had been running had given him two unwanted children and arrest warrants for him in three states. His latest woman was a divorcee named Marilyn. Rufus actually had some feelings for her, but the money he could get means more to him than his affections. However, he did get more tail than usual. In week two, Rufus starts trying to connect with the 8 year old hoping his kindness can extend his stay, increase his earnings, and maybe even get his and Marilyn's sex drive one step further. The 8 year old didn't want anything to do with Rufus; he was way more interested in watching his cartoons. Whenever Rufus wasn't watching the 8 year old, he was up in Marilyn's room organizing her bedroom to find some other stuff worth monetary value. He believes if they're missing then she won't be remotely suspicious when she realizes that she can't find them. What Rufus is oblivious to, is that Marilyn is extremely organized and keeps a tight check on everything.
Marilyn comes home and asks her son how Rufus was. "I didn't even notice he was here." She goes upstairs and sees Rufus ready for her. They start doing the nasty. He goes harder because tonight is his last night and he wants it to be one he remembers. Once they are done, he has Marilyn pays him and he is able to manipulate her into giving him more. He decides to leave. Rufus is in a hurry because what he stole is too much for his pockets. Rufus was halfway down the stairs when "Hey!" Marilyn discovered his scam. She had been looking through her jewelry box and noticed the necklace she got from her mother when she died was missing. She had it this morning so only one person could've stolen it. "Come back right now, I know you stole my mother's necklace." Rufus had two choices stay and risk arrest, or be on the run for his life. There is no question what he chose. He makes a run for it, but trips and (Rufus starts tumbling down the stairs and near the bottom gets his head stuck in the railing spindles) loses out on his scam, permanently. While Rufus was falling down the stairs, he had gained enough momentum that when his head went between the spindles; it got stuck and stayed there. However, even though his head stopped moving, the rest of his body kept moving. The rest of his body went down with so much force his neck snapped shutting down the spinal cord. With no way for the organs to transmit signals to the brain, he died almost instantly.
Rufus used his charisma to get into woman's houses, areas, and their money. His scam success was going up, but in the end he went down the stairway to hell.
Way to Die #285
Stair Ass-ter