„You look just like him."
Jay pointed at the photo, whichshowed Ethan with his Dad.
After shift he decided to go back, visiting E.J at home to see how he felt. Finally they finished the case, which especially for Jay didn't mean a rapid oblivion.
„Thats what my mom says sometimes."
„I was a soldier too."
Halstead looked at the picture, then putting it back.
„Yeah?", E.J asked surprised, getting Jay to nod.
„Yeah, men. I've known some heroes. But what you did, going public , telling the truth about what happened that might just be the bravest thing I've ever seen."
They shared meaningful glances. Ethans looked at the old photos, especially at the special one with his father.
„I miss my Dad."
„I know."
„Did you lose friends?", the boy asked, while his eyes started to fill with tears. He was unable to look at Jay, already knowing that he would lose it again.
„Of course. Many."
„How do you deal with it? I mean, with all the losses."
Jay sighed, nodded confident.
„When I get down, I try to remind myself that they made a sacifice, so that I could come home and live my life."
EJ sat down on the old wooden chest, his mom inherited from her mother.
There was a long silence, until Jay continued speaking.
„You know what? Your dad would be so happy for you right now."
„Really?"
„Yeah. Not just because of what you did, because it's over."
Ethan smiled, but already felt the tears coming back in his eyes.
He stared at the ground, unable to continue the conversation.
„Hey, Eth," Halstead whispered with a soothing voice.
Jay walked towards him, finally took place on the old chest next to him.
He placed his hand on Ethans shoulders like he already did at the interrogation room.
„Sometimes I wonder, whether that would be happening, if my dad was alive. Or if there are special reasons, why Coach chose me? He could have picked any other boy, but he recruted me and Colin and…"
„Stop."
He looked at Jay, tears in his eyes.
His hands shook so hard that he had trouble to control them.
„Promise me something."
E.J looked at him irritated.
„Don't do that to yourself. You didn't had a choice, neither is it your fault. Always remind yourself, alright?"
Ethan couldn't answer, just started to cry again. His sobbs sounded like echoes in Jays ears. It was even more worse than at the precinct. He cried so hard, that Jay thought he would have ended at the hospital with a mental breakdown.
Halstead looked at him compassionately. He put his arm around EJs shoulder and pulled him into a hug. He rocked him like a little child, promised him that everything would gonna be okay, until his sobbs turned into sniffles and he got more calm.
„I'm not ready to tell my mom. Not yet", he cried.
Jay squeezed his hand.
„I know buddy. That's why we gonna do that together. I will be right here with you."
EJ hesitatet, but Jay nodded confident.
„She deserves it. She's your mom."
Ethan focused on the wall.
„She's the one who would never give up on you."
„How do you know?"
Jay shrugged his shoulders, a sad smile on his face.
„Becaue you're everything which is left from your dad."
Ethan glanced at him, then sequeezed his hand back in agreement and nodded, like he wanted to say that he was ready for the truth…
CPDCPDCPDCPD
It was two hours later, when Jay took the stairs to her apartment.
He needed her more than everything else in his whole life before.
Staying at an empty room to spend the whole night alone seemed like one of the most shoking horror movies to him.
The rain had already wet his clothes, when he knocked on her door, waiting to see her beautiful smile, surrounded by her dark blonde hair.
But instead of a happy welcome, he just got a yawning when he looked at a tired Erin Lindsay, who already wore her nightdress.
He started stammering, searching for excuses.
„Sorry, I didn't know that you were already…"
„Come in", she pulled him nearer without further words, then pointed to the couch, telling him to sit down and grabbed some ice pack from the refrigerator.
„Everything alright?"
„Marathon headaches are back. Even without drinking. Do yourself a favor and never start mixing alcohol with pills. It has long time effects."
She rolled her eyes and sat down on the couch.
„If you don't feel good I'm coming back later."
But she denied with a fake smile.
„You stay here. I'm fine."
She took his hand, gently stroking cycles on his palm.
„Jay?"
He stared at the table. Suddenly all the emotions came back. It was like they hit him in his face.
„Yeah?", he whispered with a broken voice, what brings Erin to place her other hand on his shoulder. She crawled in his arms and put her head on his chest, so she was able to listen to his heart beat.
„It's not a disgrace to show emotions. I know this case was hard for you but I want to let you know, that I'm here and if you want to get rid of something, I'm listening."
He didn't respond, just stared at her white wall, while her hand tenderly touched his skin.
„As a kid I….had a lot in common with Ethan. My dad was one oft he violent parents, who got a lot of energy in using his belt or calling us names and bad things. It would surprise you, if I tell you that he's a doctor like Will. Thats why my brother always tried to get attention in stepping in his foot steps. When I was 8 my parents divorced and Will and I used to live with my mum. She was always that kind of a „let's not talk about this, everything is fine" mum. Even if she tried to protect us. Since my dad broke up with her and no one knew where he went, she had to work full time to put our family through daily life. I wanted a father figure for years. But instead I got bullied at school. Our mum did everything to avoid looking like a middle class family. But obviously that wasn't enough. There was this P.E teacher at my school… who loved boys in a very special way. Luckily the director found out a little bit later. This time changed me. I protested, got in arguments with other teachers. Finally I got kicked out of this school and got my last chance at Kingscross academy."
Lindsay, who had been listening the whole time looked up at him in sadness.
„I'm so sorry."
„After today I know how you must have felt with Nadia under your wings. It just hits you to see someone making the same mistakes, having the same life like you used to. And the only thing you want so bad, is to get him out."
A single tear rolled over Jays cheek. Erin put her lips on his skin, to kiss it away.
„Hey, Jay."
He bit his lips, anxious that he would lose his composure completely in front of her.
Erin felt that the shame coming over him.
That's why she just took him in her arms, without seeing his face.
Although she felt he was crying, she just held him close and stroked his back, until he got back to his old place.
Embarrassed he wiped his face, while Erin watched him in concern.
„You've never thought that something like that would have happened to me, huh?"
Erin grabbed his hand again.
„Honestly? When you put so much energy in this Ben Carson case, I suspected something. And after I've seen how you talked to EJ I knew that there must be more than interest in a case."
„Does this change anything between us?"
Lindsay raised her eye-brows, shook her head no.
„Jay Halstead, are you crazy? You're the most important thing in my life and nothing would change that. No past and no P.E teacher. Although I'm ready to kick this son of a bitchs ass."
„Thanks for being here."
Erin nodded, giving him a long kiss, stroking his back.
„We have a lot in common. One hell of a childhood and youth. Looks like we earn a better future. Together."
Jay looked at her, a sad expression on his face.
„I'm so sorry", Erin comforted him with kisses.
„If there is anything else I can do."
„Just be there for me tonight."
„Okay."
She pointed to the neighborhood room…
„Come on, let's go to bed", she smiled, dragging him to next door...