Author: Angela Evans
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance/Angst
Spoilers: Capital Crime
Summary: Sturgis spills the beans…
Disclaimer: I do not own Harm or Mac or any of the JAG characters. Donald Bellesario does, but I'm open to any gifts in the form of Naval aviators-turned lawyers or their Russian half-brothers. . . ;
A/N: MAJOR props to Karen, who helped me develop the idea and got me through the rough patches. The Sturgis-Mac fight it like 90% hers. Thankies, Dear. Merci to Anna for translating the title into French ~ It's roughly "Slip of the Tongue"
If I give up on you, I give up on me
If we fight what's true, will we ever be
Even God himself and the faith I knowShouldn't hold me back, shouldn't keep me from you.
Tease me, by holding out your hand
Then leave me or take me as I am
And we'll live our lives, stigmatized
I can feel the blood rushing through my veins
When I hear your voice, driving me insane
Hour after hour, day after day
Every lonely night that I sit and pray
~ "Stigmatized", The Calling
JAG ~ 1600 Zulu"Damn, Harm, you and Mac had it in for each other today," Commander Sturgis Turner said, leaning through the doorway into Harm's office.
"What?" Harm shrugged it off. "We just got competitive, that's all."
Sturgis came all the way in and closed the door. "Competitive? I'd call it a death wish," he said, sitting down, "at least on your part."
"My part? What about her? She's the one who always rises to the occasion," Harm said, getting up to pace. This conversation was quickly going to a place he wasn't sure he wanted to go.
"And what occasion is that?" Sturgis asked, innocently clueless.
"You know, she . . . well, she does . . . And since when do you call her Mac?"
"Does what?" Sturgis asked, ignoring Harm's attempt to distract him.
"Exactly what you're doing – baiting me." Harm's voice was getting that irritable edge to it.
"Except you're not taking the bait this time. Is it because I'm not in a Marine uniform?"
"Sturgis, come on. Why don't you just say it, since you seem to know what's going on here."
"You like her." He grinned at Harm.
"Like her? That's all you've got? Of course I like her – she's my friend." Harm wrinkled his nose as if it were a dirty word.
"Uh-huh . . . sure it isn't anything more than that?" Sturgis prodded.
"What? You want me to admit that I love her or something? And even if I did, what good would that do me? She's washed her hands of me."
"Don't sell yourself short, Harm. She's in love with you."
"What?" Harm pounced on Sturgis's slip.
"Eehh, I don't want to get in the middle of this," Sturgis tried to back out of it, stretching uncomfortably in his chair.
"C'mon, you already are in the middle of it. Did she tell you she's in love with me?"
"She didn't mean to . . . besides, she swore me to secrecy."
Harm smiled, "Too late."
Mac's Apartment ~ 1930 ZuluMac was just about to sit down with a book when there was a knock at the door. She got up and looked through the peephole, then opened the door for Harm.
"Hey," he said tentatively, as if he were afraid they'd be back to where they had been in court that morning.
"Hey yourself, Flyboy." The briefest of smiles lit her eyes. "What are you doing here?"
"I came to apologize."
"My, Harmon Rabb coming to apologize?" She grinned at him as she let him in. "You don't have to – we both got a little heated, didn't we?"
"That's not what Sturgis called it, but yeah, we did."
"Oh, what did Sturgis call it?" Mac asked as they sat down across from each other. Harm thought he detected a hint of a spark in her eye.
"Well, he said it was a death wish. On my part anyway." Harm lowered his eyes, waiting for her reaction.
Mac laughed, "Yeah, that sounds about right."
"Are you saying I couldn't have beaten you?" Harm leaned in, his eyes twinkling with amusement.
"Well, not this time, anyway, and I'd think you'd find it hard any other time as well."
"I don't doubt that," he said, then he lowered his voice. "You always do put up a fight, at least when it's me, don't you?"
"Harm," she said, "Please don't start this again."
"Why not?" He started to reach for her, but he pulled back, not wanting to push her too much. It was an awkward, half-formed gesture.
"Why not?" She asked, rising, "Well, because it's always the same. We never change, Harm, and I'm tired of the whole sick cycle."
"It doesn't have to be that way," he pressed.
"Yes, it does. It's always one of us, pressuring the other for answers, but not giving up anything in return. Could it be any harder?"
"Then just answer me this. Did you tell Sturgis you were in love with me?"
"What?" She could feel her face flush. "Did Sturgis tell you that?"
"Yes, he did," Harm responded, not once taking his eyes from hers. "He said you swore him to secrecy. But don't blame him, he didn't mean to let it slip. But is he right?"
"I did tell him that I loved you, but it was an innocent slip and he took it way out of context."
"What context is that?" Harm pressed.
"I meant that you and I were very close, and you were my best friend – like a brother," she said, panicky and quickly trying to throw him off.
"A brother," he repeated, blinking slowly. Had he come here just to make a fool of himself? Had he misread everything. . .
"Sturgis heard me wrong and he wouldn't back off it since he's convinced there's something going on between us, so I made him promise not to tell you."
He swallowed hard. "Of course," he said. He might have sworn under his breath, but she couldn't be sure. "Well, I just came to apologize, and that's been done, so I'll go." He snatched his coat off the chair and stalked to the door. "See you tomorrow," he said, his voice harsh, pushing the door open with a slap of his palm to the door. It banged shut behind him.
Mac sank down into the couch and pulled her knees to her chest. She tried not to let the tears come, but they slipped down her cheeks anyway, hot and salty. Why did she always fight? Wouldn't it be easier to run after him, catch him before he got to the elevator and tell him that Sturgis was right, that she was in love with him? Instead, she just curled up on the couch, laying her head on the arm, near the forgotten book.
Outside her door, Harm paused, his hand raised to knock on the door and try again. He knew he shouldn't walk away now, he should press on, but he knew he wouldn't be able to say the right things if she kept pushing him away. Maybe Sturgis had heard wrong. Sighing, he walked off down the hall.
JAG ~ 1100 Zulu"Ma'am?" a voice asked. Mac looked up from her papers to see Harriet standing in the doorway.
"Harriet," Mac said, smiling as best she was able. "What can I do for you?"
"I brought you the file you asked for."
"Oh, right. Just leave it on my desk. Thanks, Harriet."
"Something wrong, Colonel?" Harriet asked, her blonde brows furrowing with concern.
"No, why would there be?"
"Well, Ma'am, you seem distracted. And you've been avoiding the Commander all morning . . ." Harriet lowered her voice, "Did you two have a fight?"
"No," Mac answered. "And…yes."
Harriet looked puzzled. "No you didn't have a fight, or yes you did?"
Mac sighed. She wasn't going to get away from it whether she told Harriet or not, and maybe talking to her would help. "Close the door, Harriet and sit down." As soon as the Lieutenant was seated, Mac continued. "We didn't really have a fight. We just sort of continued the same one we've been having for months now, ever since the night of my engagement party."
"You had a fight with the Commander at your engagement party?"
"Not really. But that's where it started. Harm and I were on the porch, saying our . . ." she paused as she searched for the right word, "goodbyes. We sort of touched on that gray area of ours when it comes to our . . . relationship. Anyway, it only became a fight after he came back. One of us starts pushing the other for answers, but we never get anywhere because we both dance around the subject. Last night, Harm came to my apartment regarding something I had let slip to Commander Turner."
"What was that, Ma'am?"
"That I was in love with Commander Rabb."
Harriet didn't seem surprised. "And, what did he say?"
"That's just it, he didn't. He wanted me to assure him that Sturgis had heard me right before he said anything else. I couldn't and he just backed off. I think he's giving up on . . . whatever it is he feels for me."
"I don't think so. I think he's afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"That you'll reject him."
"Reject him? He's afraid I'll reject him, so he says nothing. If he really feels . . . . Well, I'm not a mind reader, I have no idea how he feels until he gets the courage to tell me."
"The Commander's not a mind reader either, Ma'am."
"He knows how I feel." Mac was uncomfortably starting to realize Harriet was right.
"Does he? Have you ever told him? All he has to go on is something Commander Turner heard you say," Harriet continued.
"I've never said the words, but well, we've been pretty close on." He should know. She'd dropped enough hints. . .
"Then maybe you need to say something."
"I can't. I can't risk everything on him again." All her fears and insecurities started to rise and she felt a metallic taste in her mouth. She knew why. It was a lie. She'd do it again, and again she'd get probably get hurt.
"But Ma'am, isn't that what you do when you love someone? And is it fair, asking him to take a risk you're not willing to take?" Harriet stood. "I have to get back to work." She left Mac alone with her thoughts.
Meanwhile, Harm was in his office, having a similar conversation with Sturgis. He paced while Sturgis sat in a chair.
"What did she say?" Sturgis asked.
"What do you mean, what did she say?" Harm was edgy, and it was making Sturgis nervous.
"What did she say when you talked to her last night?"
"How do you know I talked to her last night?"
Sturgis rolled his eyes. "You two are avoiding each other like the plague. So obviously you tried to talk to her last night. But it didn't go well."
"We're not avoiding each other."
"Right," he drew out the word. "What happened?"
"She said you took it out of context."
"Out of context? How can you take the words 'I'm in love with him' out of context?"
"She said it was a slip, you heard it wrong and since you are so convinced there's something between the two of us . . ."
"Is there?"
Harm stopped pacing. "You know better than to ask that."
"Then maybe I'm not the one you should be having this conversation with."
"We shouldn't be having this conversation at all," Harm replied. "In fact, I'm surprised you're not a dead man for breaking your promise to her."
"That may be, but I think you're the one in bigger trouble with her."
"Then why are you hiding from her?"
"I'm not hiding from her, you are."
"Am not," Harm replied petulantly.
Sturgis stood and went to the door. "Are too, my friend, you are too."
JAG ~ 1200 ZuluMac was leaning on the counter of the small kitchen in the JAG offices waiting for her soup to heat in the microwave. She was absentmindedly taping her fingers on the smooth counter top when Harm walked in.
"Oh," he said, almost as an afterthought. He started to step back out of the kitchen.
"Harm," Mac said, a little to brightly in her opinion. "I haven't seen you all morning. Where have you been?"
"In my office," he answered, his voice thick, "Paperwork."
"Ahh." What did one say in return when you were. . . well, anyway. . .
He brushed past her. "I just came in for my greens…err, salad," he said, making a big production of opening the refrigerator door and looking inside while mentally reprimanding himself on the near slip. He pulled out his salad and flashed her a stiff grin.
"I'm just waiting for my soup to heat up," she said, still faced with him.
"Who wants cold soup?" he said as he turned to open a drawer for a fork.
"Not me," she said, reaching in for a spoon. Their hands brushed and she pulled back quickly. Realizing how close she was to him, she walked over to the microwave. Shutting the cutlery drawer, he turned around and they found themselves face to face with each other again.
"Uhh," she managed.
"Spoon," was his reply.
"Yeah."
"Here," he said, putting the spoon in her hand, but not taking his eyes from hers.
They remained there, staring at each other for several seconds. Finally, after eons, the microwave dinged.
"Soup's done," he said, turning and walking out.
"Yeah," she said softly, putting a hand to her flushed cheek.
JAG ~ 1400 ZuluSturgis knocked on Mac's open doorframe. "You wanted to see me?"
Mac glanced up from her paperwork with a murderous glint in her eyes. Sturgis swallowed hard. "Yeah, I did. Close the door, Commander."
"Commander? That's a little formal," he said trying to defuse the situation as he eased the door shut. He knew he was on dangerous ground here. Harm was right; he was in big trouble with her.
"What did you expect? I thought we were friends, Commander, and then you sink me like that . . ." She punctuated her words with sharp hand gestures.
"Sink you? It was an innocent slip . . ." Sturgis's voice
rose. He knew that he shouldn't rise to her bait
and go on the defensive. He couldn't help it. Perhaps it was the guilty voice in the back of his head.
"An innocent slip that never
should have happened," she hissed, standing up, putting her hands on her desk,
leaning forward on her arms. "You went into
that conversation thinking about it, and whether you consciously decided it or
not, you were set to make the slip."
"Well, I'm sorry, Colonel, it won't happen again." Sturgis looked her in the eye and spoke again: "I realize I've made a huge mistake here. . ."
She cut him off. "You bet it won't." The edge was still in her voice, even if the glint was gone from her eyes.
"I'm sorry if I've done anything to hurt your friendship with Harm, I'll - "
"I don't need you help, Commander." It was amazing the amount of scorn one woman could put into a four-letter word and not have it be an expletive. "Stop sticking your nose in my personal business, and . . ."
"I didn't exactly stick my
neck out there begging you to tell me you loved him. I just asked you if you
had slept with him." Sturgis gave a smirk. Bad idea. She caught it
and the predatory look was back.
"Well, when you tell someone in the strictest confidence that you have personal
feelings for a certain person, and then they tell that person . . ."
"Frankly, Colonel, I'm not the one you should be arguing with."
"Oh, you're not?"
"No. I think you and the Commander ought to get this personal," he paused and let the word hang in the air a few moments before continuing, "business of yours figured out."
"Just do me a favor and stay out of my personal business."
Mac's Apartment ~ 2000 ZuluThere was a knock on the door and Mac opened it to reveal Harm standing in the doorway.
"Mac," he said gently
"Harm." The air was thick between them and Mac found herself understanding the old expression involving kitchen cutlery a hundred times better than she ever had.
The two of them stood there, just looking at each other. Finally Harm spoke. "Mac, I'm hanging here," he said desperately.
"You're hanging?" Her voice was slightly tinged with cynicism.
"You keep pushing me away. But I'm staying put tonight."
"Are you," she asked, her voice getting breathy.
His voice was near cracking with emotion as he continued, "Mac, last night I came here, wanting to know if what Sturgis had said was true, but I shouldn't have pressed you…"
"You don't need to apologize," she said.
"When I should have just said what I've been wanting to say to you for a long time." Mac was silent, so he continued. "We've been somewhere in between reality and . . . and a dream for a long time, dancing around each other and our own feelings. We never change, maybe because we're afraid. I'm trying my best not to be tonight. I don't want to sink in what might have been. You're all I want, you're all I need…"
"Harm, please don't make this any harder" she interrupted. He put a finger to her lips.
"You don't have to say anything, not right now, or ever. I never meant to hurt you." He turned to go, her badly timed interruption forcing him to close down emotionally.
"Harm, wait," she cried.
He turned back to her, ready to steel his heart. "Mac, you don't…"
"Shut up," she ordered. "Don't you say another word." Her eyes welling with tears, she stepped over to him and stood on tiptoe so she'd be even eye level with him. "I do have to say something. You're not the only one who's to blame here. I've been pushing you away and drawing you back just as much as you have with me. I kept my feelings to myself while forcing you to…" She wobbled and fell forward into his arms, their faces barely a centimeter apart. He could feel her warm breath on his lips while he watched her eyes flit from his lips to his eyes and back to his lips. He kissed her, sweet, slow and soft.
"I love you," he said, in a voice barely a murmur, burying his face in her hair.
"I love you, too," she said as his arms tightened around her.
Desperate for changing, starving for truth
Closer to where I started chasing after you
Falling even more in love with you
I'm letting go of all I've held on to
I'm standing here until you make me move
Falling even more in love with you
Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete
I'll take your invitation, you take all of me
I'm living for the only thing I know
I'm running and not quite sure where to go
I don't know what I'm diving into
Hanging by a moment, here with you
There is nothing left to loose, there is nothing else to find
There is nothing in the world that could change my mind
There is nothing else~ "Hanging By A Moment", Lifehouse