Atonement
by Iva1201
Summary: Snape was very lucky and his greatest wish has come true – Lily Potter survived that fateful night in Godric's Hollow. But be careful with what you wish for – for some dreams should better not come true.
Beta read by excessivelyperky. Thank you! (-:
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Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
December 1981
It has been nearly two months since the fall of Lord Voldemort; Christmas holidays were just about to start and the Great Hall of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was adorned with brightly decorated Christmas trees and countless floating candles in the colours of the season – red, green, silver and gold. The House-Elves had hung mistletoe over the entrance to Common Rooms of all four houses – and daily tried to outdo themselves with delicious Christmas pudding and mince pies.
People inhabiting Hogwarts, faculty and students alike, were all in bright spirits. There was, after all, much to celebrate at the end of that particular year and a lot to be thankful for. Lord Voldemort had been surprisingly defeated during Halloween night, when he had decided to attack the Potters.
Everyone knew the story by heart these days: Lily Potter had been heating milk in the downstairs kitchen of the Potters' residence for her baby son, who had woken in the middle of the night. The dark wizard had arrived at Godric's Hollow and the Potters' house, and hence it had been her who had encountered the evil man first. For whatever reason, Voldemort had pushed her aside instead of attacking her magically. Lily had stumbled and hit her head on the bannister of the staircase so hard that she had fainted. When she had come to herself once more, it had been some time later and she had heard Harry crying in his crib. When she had hastened upstairs, it was out of pure instinct – for Lily Potter had sadly suffered a memory loss from hitting her head so strongly. James Potter had died protecting his son, who surprisingly had survived without any injury aside of a small, lightning shaped scar on his small forehead.
People in wizarding Britain kept arguing what had caused the defeat of Lord Voldemort. Many thought that the Potter baby must have some extraordinary magical powers – but Albus Dumbledore believed differently. James Potter and Voldemort had clearly fought for some time before James had been hit with one of Voldemort's curses and lost consciousness. Despite generally favouring killing his enemies rather than letting them survive, Lord Voldemort had apparently been satisfied to have James out of the way that day – as his real target had been his infant son that very night. James would have likely been killed later – once the real danger had been dealt with. But James had awoken sooner than expected – and stepped into the Avada Kedavra curse intended for Harry, sacrificing himself so that his baby son could live on. Another killing curse cast by Lord Voldemort rebounded then from the infant and killed or very likely at least temporary vanished the dark wizard.
When the very confused Lily, who had no recollection of anything that had happened beyond her OWLs, had stepped into the ruined bedroom and found James Potter's body – James looking somewhat older than she remembered him – and the crying baby that resembled James but had her eyes, she had understood that she had most likely suffered memory loss and James and the baby were her family now – she wouldn't be wearing nightwear in a stranger's home, after all.
Lily's only concern, once she had assured herself that James was indeed dead and there was no way she could help him, was to get both herself and the baby, who she had no recollection of but who clearly must have been hers, to safety. She could not remember the row with Severus just after their OWLs any longer and that was why Severus's childhood home was her first choice of safe haven in the magical world. Grabbing a handful of Floo powder, thrusting it into the dying flames of the grate and shouting Spinner's End, she very much hoped her best friend or his family still used the place. Luckily, Eileen Snape indeed did.
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Severus Snape was sitting in his office, grading essays and mentally preparing himself for the chaos that Christmas (or any other upcoming holidays for that matter) brought to Hogwarts. He tried not to dwell too much on the image that would await him in his quarters once he had found the power to walk over there.
He was quite sure that Lily would be making dinner for herself and Potter's offspring right now, the toddler babbling his nonsense to her and she smiling genially at him and expecting Severus to admire young Potter for his newest achievements – be it pages torn out of his precious books (which thankfully had only happened once so far and Lily was able to fix the volumes in question flawlessly) or clothes the baby pulled out of his drawers and played with all around his quarters (which happened almost daily, unless Lily took the boy out for a long stroll and tired him sufficiently; sadly, the cold weather in Scotland was not favourable to this kind of activity during pre-Christmas season that year and Severus and his clothes suffered for it).
Dumbledore had been taken aback back in early November when Severus informed him that Lily wanted to move into his Hogwarts' quarters for the time being, claiming she needed a secure place to stay in for the time being, until all the uproar around her and Harry settled down a bit. Not surprisingly she did not trust Petunia enough to ask her for shelter and, as Lily still could not recall their recent close friendship, she couldn't bring herself to ask James's friends for assistance either. Severus tended to agree with her on this even before Sirius Black saw it fit to murder Peter Pettigrew and a dozen muggles passing by in a mad fit. Which brought them here – the once estranged friends living together in the same quarters, sharing them with a half-orphaned toddler called Harry Potter, whom his very own mother lost all previous recollections of and who clearly was robbing Severus of all his remaining patience with children, muggle and magical alike.
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It was after Christmas feast, all students back in their respective dormitories, preparing for the upcoming vacations, when Severus Snape entered the Headmaster's office. Dumbledore had insisted he wanted to see him before the break.
"Ah Severus, there you are," Dumbledore greeted the younger man genially, and motioned for him to take a seat on the other side of his desk, as he himself swiftly penned his signature on one of the numerous scrolls pilling up on his desk. "I wanted to speak with you," the Headmaster said then. "Is the potion ready?"
Ever since Madam Pomfrey and the Healers in St. Mungo's had proclaimed that they were not able to help Lily recall her memories, Severus took it up on himself to prepare an experimental healing potion to help her. It pained him greatly to know that once Lily got her memories back, she would not want to speak to him again, but still, for the sake of their old friendship and because of the great guilt he felt over causing her to suffer so much, he worked relentlessly on finding a cure for her. The last week he had finally succeeded in perfecting the formula and requested Dumbledore to Obliviate him of a small, insignificant memory which he then tried to revive by using the potion in question – with success. He had brewed a new batch of the potion during the week, refining some small details so that it would work perfectly for Lily and now the finished potion was waiting on his office table to be administrated.
"Yes, it is prepared," Severus affirmed, "I will administer it once the students have left Hogwarts."
Dumbledore nodded. Strangely, the Headmaster eyed Snape sadly now. "I take it you have not told her yet?" He asked, obviously already knowing the answer, but still searching for a confirmation.
"No, I have not." Severus Snape frowned at the old man; the fact that he was not able to tell Lily clearly taking a huge toll on him. He went on to explain, despite he was only repeating himself again: "It would have not helped with anything, Dumbledore. Lily would have simply hated me for longer and might have even left Hogwarts before the potion was ready. It was my aim for her to have the best chance to retrieve her memories properly, not running of with the painful titbits I have to offer."
"And yet you cannot stop dreading her finding out and leaving you alone once more." Dumbledore offered quietly, watching Severus curiously now, as if he had never seen him before.
"I shall survive her revulsion, Dumbledore," Snape drawled over clenched teeth, the conversation obviously paining him greatly. "I have lived with it for many years now. Lily having her memories back will change nothing. She and her brat will move to the cottage you so generally offered her to use and I shall continue to teach here until you see fit to send me to Azkaban, once I have outlived my usefulness for you and the cause. I am not stupid, Headmaster, I have earned nothing else."
"And here we beg to differ, Severus, here we beg to differ," Dumbledore flashed the young man a genial smile. "I do not see the same young man in front of me as I met this spring. You have changed a great deal, Severus, and I do not wish you ill, rather quite the opposite. You should listen to this old man, my boy, and tell Lily before she recalls all that has occurred between you two. You should also tell her why you decided to change sides. It is my belief that if you would not hide this from her, she would be more forgiving than should she get her memories back in the first place and listen to your later explanations."
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But Severus Snape was a very stubborn and much too proud man and believed he had well earned all punishments the life had in store for him. He left the Headmaster's office that evening with a deep frown and scolding even more deeply, he watched the students board the Hogwarts Express the next morning.
Once the train disappeared between the hills, heading south towards London, Severus returned to his office and retrieved the potion. He walked to his quarters and found Lily in the corner of his sitting room, decorating the Christmas tree she insisted they would have, while Harry watched her moving the decorations magically around the tree and lighting them up for his amusement.
For a moment, Severus watched them and his heart ached with a deep desire that would now never come true. Then he moved towards Lily, his legs suddenly feeling as if they were out of lead and not flesh and blood.
"The memory potion is ready, Lily," he said, offering the flask to her. His tone was grave and normally would have made Lily stop and ask what was wrong. In this case, however, Lily heard only that the potion was ready and knew that she very much wanted to remember. She wanted to know more about Harry, longed to understand why she married the great toerag James Potter and not her best friend Severus, who clearly cared for her very much still, and simply desired to get back all the years she had lost. Severus was holding the key to them in his trembling hand and she could not help it but reach for the flask without hesitation, downing it in one gulp.
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What happened next was not pretty and Severus Snape did not like recalling it later. Lily's eyes widened and, staring at him in disbelief, she crossed the short distance between them and slapped him, hard. "How dare you pretend all was right between us? How dare you pretend you stood on the side of Light? How dare you even teach here?" She shouted into his face that was slowly turning ashen. He had expected her to shout at him, understood she might feel the need to hit him – but it never occurred to him it would hurt this much.
"I am sorry, Lily, I am truly sorry," Severus offered in whisper, well aware his words would likely not change anything.
"And I have already told you once that telling me you were sorry is hardly enough." Lily said coldly and frowned deeply, recalling how the Marauders all firmly believed Severus had joined Lord Voldemort's forces. Still staring into his unnaturally pallid face in fury, she grabbed his left arm now, forcing the sleeve up. The outlines of the Dark Mark were still visible there, despite Voldemort had fallen almost two months ago. "I cannot believe you, you filthy Death Eater," Lily screamed and hit him again. "Were you plotting revenge on me and Harry? Searching for the best moment to get rid of us both right under Dumbledore's nose? We are leaving now and you shall not see me again."
Lily turned to the half-decorated tree and her baby son who was now eyeing them curiously and gathered the boy in her arms. Quickly summoning her baby bag and winter outdoor clothes, Lily set up to dress both herself and Harry warmly, not quite thinking about where they might go yet. The only clear thought she had was that she needed to get away from Severus as fast as it was only humanly possible. It had not even once occurred to her that should Severus indeed wish to harm them, he might do so right then – as he could have done so in the last few weeks when they lived in close proximity to him.
Once Lily was packed and both she and Harry clothed for the winter weather outside, she turned to Severus one last time. "If there is anything you would like to tell me still, Snape, do it now. You will not get any other chance."
Severus nodded gravely, knowing what else she needed to know about him and hating himself for needing to tell her now and adding to her distress. But as Lily pointed out, if he would not tell her now, he would not get another chance. So he nodded and said: "Yes, there is one more thing. When the Dark Lord targeted you, Potter and your son, it was because of a prophecy claiming your son was the one with power to defeat him."
Lily frowned at him impatiently. "Yes, I am well aware of that, Snape. Dumbledore told me and James."
"Yes, I know that Dumbledore informed you. But there is more." Severus grimaced as if in great pain. Lily, her toddler son enveloped in her arms now, nodded for him to continue. When Severus did, it was with great difficulty, but the words came out clear: "I was the Death Eater to overheard half of the prophecy and it was me who delivered it to the Dark Lord. I did my very best to atone for it, but it was still me who caused you this." Severus vaguely motioned towards her and Harry, them two standing here alone, robbed of James's strength to support them.
It took Lily a moment to absorb the faithful words. Once she did, the eyes turned towards Severus turned dark and hatred was spilling out of their green depths. "I hate you, Severus Snape," Lily said icily. "I hope you will never learn happiness and shall rot in hell as your dark master. I wish I have never met you – it has brought me only pain! Do not cross my path ever again, do you hear me, or I will kill you. I would now, to be honest, if Harry was not here. It is only for his sake that I shall refrain today, you monster!" And with that, she left Severus's quarters, leaving her childhood friend frozen behind her.
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When Dumbledore found Severus in the very same spot hours later, after he had "accidentally" happened on Lily and settled her in her new home in his cottage, he had to pull the young wizard towards the bedroom and help him out of his heavy clothes as if he would be a child. Recognising now the young wizard's worth and strength and deeply feeling for his loss, Dumbledore settled Severus under his covers and summoned a flask of Dreamless Sleep. Severus would need it today, he felt with certainty.
Before he fed the contains of the vial to the young man, Dumbledore gently patted his shoulder. "What you have done today, Severus, was incredibly brave and very foolish. Should it make you feel even a tiny bit better, know, please, that I shall never doubt you again after today. You have matured beyond belief this past year and I am honoured to call you my friend and colleague."
Dumbledore then sighed. "I tried my very best to explain to Lily that you were indeed on our side when I was settling her and Harry in my house. But she seemed to not listen to me at all, unfortunately. I am truly sorry, Severus, that it has come to this. Perhaps, if you have headed my advice, this might have been avoided…"
Snape finally looked at him, some awareness returning to his otherwise blank gaze. "It has almost killed me today, I admit, but I shall never lie to her again. Lily is alive and that was all I have asked you for. I have never asked for having her for myself, despite what the Dark Lord or possibly even you have thought. I knew that the two past months were not real. I lost Lily long ago. It does not matter that it happened again as long as she is alive and more or less well."
"These are brave words, Severus, and I am well aware that you do not feel the same as you say yet." Dumbledore offered quietly. "But I wish with my whole heart that the knowledge of Lily and her son being alive and well will be enough for you one day. Now take the potion, please; you will need some undisturbed rest after the today's ordeal."
Snape nodded and downed the potion. Soon, his eyes closed and he fell asleep.
Dumbledore reached his withered hand to smooth out Snape's furrowed brows. "Sleep well, Severus, and for what it is worth to you right now, merry Christmas, my boy. May the things turn out for better the next year."
The Headmaster meant his words sincerely – for he now understood that Severus Snape had suffered much to achieve his atonement. Severus, however, was aware of only one thing when he woke up the next day and entered his sitting room with the abandoned, half-decorated Christmas tree. The future he used to dream about would now never happen, he knew, and it was breaking his heart.
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THE END (?)
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