NEW STORY, HELL YEAH!
Rated M for immature.
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Way #1: This Story Itself
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Cross Marian was glad that the author had finally decided to man-up and write an M-Rated parody. He was excited that he was going to be the center of attention, and with the knowledge that the story was rated M, Cross was going to use it to his complete advantage. This was the all-out. There was no holding back; not for anyone or anything. He planned on drinking, gambling, and all other things that would probably result in the author getting kicked off the site.
When he heard the news, he had started straight away. He made a list of what he wanted to do, and it looked something like this:
-Drink like no tomorrow
-Gamble everything away, including Allen
-Smoke EVERYTHING possible, even pot if nothing else is around.
-Get bitches
-Lay bitches
-Do expensive shit that Allen will pay for
-Kill all of his loved ones so he focuses only on me
-Snore when I sleep
And so on. Cross was actually rather proud of himself for getting that far. Usually he was so lazy that he wouldn't even get past the first idea, but he had been excited about letting loose that he decided to put effort into this new job of his (for once). Maybe if he worked hard then he would get a promotion, because he really f*cking deserved one! He was Cross. F*cking. Marian. He should be appointed president of the world, damn it. Too bad no one knew how to recognize his greatness. Allen did, at least, Cross thought when the little idiot knocked on his door.
"Master?" the brat called out. Just to piss Allen off, Cross grabbed his false wine bottle from under the bed and then got his wine glass. He moved his cranberry juice from his plastic cup to the wine bottle, then put a chocolate cigarette in his mouth. Next he lit an incense that smelled similar to smoke, coughed and then put it out when he decided it was enough.
Before he allowed Allen in, Cross untied his hair to make him look extra badass. He also unbuttoned the top three buttons of his shirt and shoved his hands into his pockets. "Come in!" he shouted, and the door opened to reveal idiot apprentice.
Allen wrinkled his nose at the smell, but ignored it to bring in his master's meal. Cross's internal thoughts went somewhere along the lines of "f*ck yeah, Allen made food for me!" but he played it off like he didn't care. Because while he certainly appreciated Allen doing this all for him, he didn't want Allen to get attached to him because Cross didn't like having a family.
Doesn't mean I'm not lonely, though, Cross thought to himself. His mood soured but lifted when Allen put the tray in front of him. Allen was about to leave, but Cross stopped him. He was pretty sure the brat would want to know about the horrors he was soon to be put through.
"There's a new story," Cross informed Allen, who stopped in place to turn to listen. "It's called '69 Ways to Bother Idiot Apprentice.'"
Cross blinked and suddenly Allen was gone, and there was also a voice screaming from outside. Cross leaned backwards to look out the window, and saw the idiot running down the streets to get away. Knowing that would later be taken care of in '101 Failed Attempts at Escaping From Cross Marian,' the general fixed his hair and straightened himself out, then got out of his chair to let the smell out of the apartment. He got some Febreze to speed up the odor removal, and sprayed what little was left of the bottle.
He finished his cranberry juice while smirking to himself, and put the false wine bottle under his bed. The chocolate cigarette was broken into pieces after Cross removed the wrapper. He'd give it to Allen later since the kid would eat anything.
With his scumbag facade over for the day, Cross settled back down at his desk to finish writing his monthly letters to the Black Order. He was sure they wouldn't be read anyways, but he was still obligated to send in reports in case Komui ever got to them. Since he liked to talk about his apprentice (but refused to let Allen know about it), Cross filled every line on the paper with info about his pupil and ended it with "-And if I hear that your little sister touched my idiot Allen and got him pregnant, I will not hesitate to send Timcanpy to kill you all on my behalf."
Satisfied, Cross folded the letter and put it in an envelope.
He was serious about that last part, though.
No, seriously.
He would, like, even go over there himself and kill everyone if they even dared to so much as go near by his apprentice. Who said he couldn't be an overprotective guardian? He swore, if anyone said that then he would find them and set them on fire. Unless it was Allen, in which case he would laugh and then tell the kid he was stupid. Then he would feel bad later on and try to make it up by killing whatever friends he had at the moment so they could focus on their family moment.
Cross leaned back in his chair and smiled at the thought of a family moment. Readers seemed to love that stuff.
I guess it's time to go find Allen and make him feel like shit, then.
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Woooh new story :D
Look forward to more violence and sexual innuendos ^^