Disclaimer: YnM will NEVER belong to me, sigh, so I read your wonderful fics and add mine to the pile.
A/N: Second YnM fic, enjoy, friends! Post Kyoto arc in regards to the anime. There is a lot of internal arguing here, but it is all Tsuzuki's thoughts. It may get confusing, so gomen in advance.
By the Threes
Three days in the hospital wing, three days out and now three weeks vacation. Tsuzuki was tired. He was VERY tired. Three days of dealing with Watari poking at him had caused a weariness in Tsuzuki he never thought possible, not even in Touda's flames.
Hisoka's attitude didn't help either. He seemed distant, to put it nicely. But maybe Tsuzuki was projecting? Hisoka's eyes maintained an empty look day and night.
I've hurt him, I know I have. Me staying here is going to just hurt him more. So…why? Why do I stay here?
You know the answer. Because he asked you to. Because you want to protect him for as long as you can. Because, even in those flames, even at the threshold of death, even with the darkness closing in, all you could think about was him. All you could do was worry about him, Hisoka.
That's not true; I was ready to give up this so-called life.
Really? Or maybe you were just looking for attention. Were you just testing his feelings? Is that all it was?
No. No, that's not it, I would never do that.
You should know better Asato. You should know that using a word like "never" is dangerous. "Never", "always", "forever"? These words were not meant to be used by the likes of you.
Stop it, just stop it! Haven't I suffered enough? Hasn't Hisoka? Why can't you just leave me alone?
Oh, Asato, you know the answer to that already.
NO! Just go away.
laughter You amuse me to no end my dear little Asato. I will never leave you; I am a part of you. The part that knows your REAL feelings; the REAL reason you do what you do. You go to sleep at night to escape me, but I always return in the morning. I am here in your heart…in your brain.
Tsuzuki was tired, VERY tired. Three days in the hospital wing, three days out, and three weeks vacation.
After escaping the science lab that Watari swore was a "hospital wing", Konoe-kachou put Tsuzuki and Hisoka on retainer, that is, no active duty, just paperwork. Hisoka's empty look remained and he dimly went through the piles as if he were a well oiled machine.
As for Tsuzuki, for whom paper work had always been difficult, this order only furthered his anxiety.
You see how useless they think you are? They don't even trust you to handle field duty.
That's not it; the chief just wants to make sure I am well rested.
Do you really think that line is going to work on ME, Asato?
I don't care if it does or does not, all I know is that I believe it.
Oh, please, if you REALLY believed that then why are you talking with me?
Because you won't shut up! You are always there, whispering, whispering. I can't get rid of you.
That is not the purpose of our little chats, my friend, and you know it.
You keep telling me I know these things! Well I don't! What am I supposed to know?
laughter
Tell me dammit!
But, Asato, where would the fun be in that? If I just gave you the answer, who would benefit from that?
Well, I would for one.
No, that's not the correct answer.
Then tell me what IS the CORRECT answer so I can finally be rid of you.
…I can not do that, sorry.
Three days in the hospital wing, three days out and three weeks vacation. And still Tsuzuki was tired, VERY tired.
Worried about Tsuzuki, the chief gave both Hisoka and him leave for three weeks. He even gave them a generous budget and the freedom to choose for themselves where to go, provided they go together. This, Kanoe firmly believed, was the only way to help the two shinigamis, who seemed to have identical emotional scars.
Oh Asato…
NOW, what?
How I wish you were just a little faster.
Is now really the time for this?
NOW is the time for all time, don't you agree?
No, I don't.
Well, I don't really demand that you agree with me.
Then what is it you WANT?
I want what you want; only I have realized it sooner than you.
That makes no sense.
I guess you wouldn't understand.
Why are you here?
You know why.
No, I don't.
You do.
Ok, fine, we will do this your way. You want me to understand something, correct?
…
Is it something that is right in front of me?
The answers, Asato, are always in front of you, all you have to do is focus.
Focus?
Yes…
"…Tsuzuki?"
"Gomen, Hisoka, I was lost in my thoughts, did you say something?"
"Your fight is not going well, is it?"
"My what?"
"I'm an empath, remember? Your conscious mind is a lot thicker than your subconscious one."
"…I don't follow you."
"You keep trying to make it go away and you can't. It will always be there, you just have to accept it. You can't change everything you hate about yourself. A human without flaws just isn't that much fun."
"Accept?"
"Yes, come to terms with who and what you are, flaws and all."
Is that what you want me to do? Accept you?
I want what you want Asato. What is it you want?
Acceptance.
Yes.
Acceptance.
You are lucky, Asato, I may have realized what it was you wanted first, but you were the first to obtain it.
Acceptance.
Yes, by someone you trust and care for. By someone who will fight for you and beside you.
Yes, you're right; I just want to be accepted for who I am.
Yes.
"Yes."
"Tsuzuki?"
"Sorry, Hisoka, you're right."
"When am I ever wrong, baka?"
I'm sorry. Hisoka's right, I must accept the things I can not change.
Yes, and with that Asato, you will grow and be stronger than ever.
Really?
Of course, baka.
That voice is always inside of me. But I accept it. That voice…that always sounds like you…Hisoka.
Three days in the hospital wing, three days out, and three weeks vacation. But, Tsuzuki is not tired. No, not at ALL.
OWARI
A/N: Boy I NEVER thought I would do angst! Tsuzuki seems to have a split personality, huh? Just think of the last arc in the anime, the way he was talking to his child self, that's the feel I tried to get here. I SWEAR I didn't try to make him crazy on purpose; it just kinda came out that way. Anyway, RR please!
Thanks to you who reviewed my first YnM Fic "Shared Beds".
Answers to your questions and comments from me:
Tikigirl123: Thank you so much for your nice review!
Kitsunedemon: Thank you as well, and I look forward to your first post!
Salazarfalcon: Thank you for explaining "aishiteiru", I speak, MAYBE 80 words of Japanese, and that was not one of them. Thanks for clearing that up!
Fate's damned: Thank you for pointing out that grammar error, but HATES me, so I can't edit the story right now, but I will keep trying until I figure this crazy website out!