Hey guys. I did it again. I wrote another story without finishing the other one I was working on. This one is much more personal to me. I'm basically using Bella as my outlet about my mom dying. I know I sound pathetic and everything but I just need an outlet. This sucks, especially towards the end, but maybe if you guys want me to continue I will.
"But tell me you love this, tell me you're not miserable." - Richard Siken
The wings of the airplane start to shake and it reminds her of a time when…
...
Everything is okay. Her mother is laughing, teeth showing, eyes glistening. She is happy today.
Bella stops and stares. Her mother turns, sees her looking, smiles wider and winks.
Bella screams with joy, runs at her with a laugh, tackles her with tickles.
Everything is okay. Everything is okay.
...
"Ma'am? Would you like anything to drink?"
"No, thank you."
...
Everything is not okay.
"Mom?" Her voice, scared, broken, catching in her throat. "Mom, Mom, what are you doing? Mom!"
The glint of the gun, barrel against a temple. "I'm sorry. I love you."
Then
Then blood. Against the walls, carpet, against her shirt, dripping down her face.
"Mom!"
...
"Flight attendants prepare the cabin for landing."
The wings are still shaking.
...
Forks hasn't changed.
The airport is still the same. Empty. The single lonely gift shop is bare, light flickering. Outside, it rains a sad rhythm against the windows. It sounds like a funeral song, all low chords and heartbreaking timing.
The red light of the baggage claim starts up, reflecting off of the people's faces, highlighting the lines of age, of despair. They all look how she feels.
And older man makes eye contact with her. His brows draw up in sympathy, like he knows, like he's seen death and war a million times, the birth and destruction of the universe at least a billion.
Bella furrows her eyebrows in deep thought. She wondered how people saw her. Did they see a teenage girl? Or did they see what she saw when she looked in the mirror?
The baggage claim grinds to a halt, smoke coming out of the side.
The people around her collectively sighs. Bella rakes her fingers through her hair.
Forks hasn't changed.
...
Charlie is waiting by his police cruiser when she finally manages to get out of the airport. He doesn't look at her, can't look at her.
He takes her bags, and opens the passenger side door for her. Doesn't look at her.
Bella catches a glimpse of herself in the rear view mirror. Her mom stares back at her, dead eyes, dead, dead, dead. Bella has to flinch away, suddenly realizing why Charlie can't look her in the face. She's a spitting image of a woman he lost; the pain has to be unbearable.
The drive is filled with silence. Every once in awhile she will see Charlie opening his mouth, obviously hoping to break the suffocating tension in the air, and then decides against it, shutting his mouth and furiously tapping a finger against the steering wheel.
The least she could do was end his misery. "The airport hasn't changed much."
Charlie's shoulders drop in relief. "No, not much in Forks changes, Bells," he chuckles a bit, moving his hand to nudge her shoulder playfully. "It's a little old boring town for old people like me."
She fights the frown threatening to cover her face, and instead tries to appear to be in a good mood. "The town for boring old people and gossip huh?"
"Oh you should hear it!" Charlie exclaims with a laugh. But talking to her hurts him. His jaw is clenched, trying to bite darkness out of his voice, he's breaking, he's breaking, he's breaking. His hands are tight around the wheel, so tight that the rubber squeaks. His face has claw marks on it. She wonders if his nightmares are anything like hers. "The gossip is so ridiculous now that I have to struggle to not laugh out loud every time I hear it! The things people come up with…" He trails off and shakes his head, another laugh falling out of his mouth. His body trembles, and he looks like he's trying to search for something
What are you looking for? Is it a bottle of whiskey you curl up to every night now?
Bella grimaces. "Man, if adults are that bad then I'm scared about what the High school will be like."
Charlie nods. "Probably worse Bells… But you're a tough cookie, you can handle it." He places his hand on her arm and pats her reassuringly.
"If not then I can always get my Police Chief of a father to come and arrest them for spreading rumors about me, huh?"
"With me being your father I doubt anyone will want to even think about saying stuff about you." He puffs his chest out proudly, smiling happily. Still, an underlying current of pain laced his teeth.
They pulled up into the driveway. The house looks the same, a perfect picture of how it looked when she left.
Charlie takes the keys out of the ignition. "Home sweet home."
Bella breathes in, unbuckles, prepares herself for war.
...
Her room was as she left it. Memories of her, of how she used to be, smiling, happy, innocent.
She sat down on the edge of her bed, feeling the springs give under her weight. This house felt like a ghost to her, old and mourning, trying to erase who it once was. There weren't even pictures up around the house anymore. Her room seemed to be the only thing that Charlie left alone, the last remaining relic.
A knock sounded outside of her door. "Bella? I'm about to get dinner started. Do you have any requests?"
She toys with the idea of telling him she wasn't hungry. But that would only induce a state of worry.
"Maybe something light?" Bella asks, walking to open her door.
Charlie, surprised at the door suddenly opening, nods. "Maybe some salads? Is that okay?"
Bella manages a small smile, nods, "Yeah, that would be perfect Dad."
Charlie then leaves her alone to let her unpack.
The feeling - being alone- is one that is too familiar.
...
The grey, muted light is what wakes her the next morning. She listens carefully to what sounds like Charlie's cruiser leaving to go to work. Confused, the glances at the time. 4:25 stares back at her, the green lights mocking, almost.
The floor is cold against her feet when she finally musters up the courage to get out of bed. Her door creaks in harmony along with the ghosts in the walls. Oh, the things they've seen.
Upon turning the kitchen light on, she finds a note. It reads: "I've asked one of your old friends to take you to school today, if you're feeling up to going. I hope you like your surprise!"
Bella sets the paper down, a frown plastering over her face. She had forgotten about school.
She spends the next hour or so, trying to keep her eyes away from the sharp edges of the knives by staring out the window. In all honesty, she doesn't feel well enough to go to school, but if she doesn't go today she never will.
At 5:45 she decides to get dressed.
At 6:30 she wonders when her "old friend" would show up.
She goes back to staring out the window, hands shaking.
...
The doorbell rings minutes later, startling Bella so much that she jumps and snaps her head to the door.
She rolls her eyes at herself, stands, and heads for the door.
One hand on the doorknob, the other raking through her hair, she opens the door - the sight wasn't one she was expecting.
A tall behemoth of a man stood outside her door. He flashed a grin, his hair cascading around his shoulders. "H-Hey, Bella. I don't know if you remember me but I'm Jacob Black?
Recognition falls over Bella's face. "Oh! No, no, of course I remember. We made mud pies together… Man you grew up, huh?"
He chuckles, the perfect picture of modesty. "A little."
Bella rocks back on her heels, and Jacob shifts his shoulders, and coughs to break the sudden awkward silence.
"Well, your Dad got you something…" And he hands her keys.
Bella stares blankly, clearly not understanding. "What?"
"They're for your truck."
"My what-" She starts to say, and she makes eye contact with it.
It was a massive rusted red truck. Bella loves it immediately.
"Holy shit."
"Yeah," Jacob chuckles. "I call her Betsy."
"Betsy." Bella breathes in awe. "Holy shit."
Jacob seems to blush. "I'm not sure if you love it … or if you absolutely hate it."
"No," Bella gasps, "God, no, I love it. I do."
"That's good, I was worried you wouldn't. I tried my best to restore it but…"
Bella nearly falls over herself. "You restored it?"
Jacob fidgets. "Well, yeah."
"Holy shit."
The sound of his warm laughter echoes off the trees. And, momentarily, Bella doesn't see red when she closes her eyes.
...
Jake, as he prefers to be called, is nice. His smile washes the clouds away and makes it easier to breathe. There's never an awkward silence - he's a perfect talker, always on and on about something relating to cars and motorcycles.
Bella doesn't mind the noise. It drowns out everything in her head.
"So," Jake shifts, his shoulder moving oddly around, trying to find a comfortable place for it. "You excited for Forks High?"
She scoffs, "about as excited I am for a parasite to enter my body."
"Jesus Christ!" Jake laughs, head thrown back, long hair cascading around his shoulder.
"What was your first day at Forks like?"
"Oh, I don't go."
Her heart dropped. "Oh… Why?"
"I live on the rez," he explained simply, noticing Bella's crestfallen face. "I'm sorry."
"No, no it's okay." She tries to smile. It looks like a grimace. She was hoping that maybe she would have one person she knew there with her.
"How are you getting back?"
He smiles and nudges her, trying to push the sun back into the cab of the car. "My buddy is picking me up."
It's silent the rest of the way.
...
She sits in her truck, head pressed against the back of the seat, breath labored, and hands gripped tight around the steering wheel.
"Get out of the car, get out of the car."
She takes another steadying breath.
"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."
...
"Mom? Mom? Mom, I'm sorry I don't tell you I love you enough. Please don't be mad at me. Please don't go."
"Stop crying, Isabella. Don't cry. Don't you dare cry."
"I love you, I love you, I'm sorry."
...
"Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry."
...
She drags herself out of the truck with bitten lips and chapped knuckles.
Rain splashes up and over her boots. She sighs, pulling her hood closer to her face.
Forks hasn't changed.
Inside the school almost has the same greyness as it does outside. The school secretary watches her come in, watery brown eyes and a sad, sad smile.
"A little late, Ms. Swan but that's okay. Here's your schedule."
"Thank you, ma'am."
...
They know.
"Didn't her mom like…die?"
"Yeah! That's what my mom said!"
They know, they know. My fault, my fault, my fault.
"Isabella?" A girl, dark hair, and dark eyes that could tell a thousand sad stories, probably has Othello memorized, taps her on the shoulder to get her attention. "Um, My name is Angela. We have APUSH together first period?" She fiddles a bit with her pencil. "Um, anyway I was wondering if you wanted to come sit with me and my other friends?"
Bella gawks at her.
Angela blushes immediately. "I… I just thought that maybe you would like to sit with us so you wouldn't have to sit alone?"
Bella rakes her hand through her hair. "I don't want to intrude."
Angela surprises her with a smile, a sad, sad smile, and offers her hand. "I promise you aren't, Isabella. Please come sit with us?"
Bella gets up, stands, her lungs filled with dust and death and everything bad she's ever had to endure. With all of that, she walks, walks towards fate or doom.
...
"I'm Jessica."
"Hi! I'm Mike."
"Eric."
They look at her like a wild animal. They move slowly around her, as if scared if they move too quickly that they might set off a bomb. Only one of them offers her an hand and the touch is so soft that she doesn't feel it.
Their mouths are wide when they talk, eyes always on her, voices calm and quiet.
They're trying to see if she's going to break.
"Why'd you move here, Bella?" Angela asks quietly. The question almost doesn't make it over the noise of the cafeteria.
"I wanted to see my Dad." It's not a lie, not completely.
They narrow their eyes like it is. Jessica's mouth twitches, subtly she sees Mike elbow her in the ribs. A "don't say anything", a "god you're going to set her off; she's dangerous, dangerous, dangerous, don't you see the shake in her hand? Don't you?"
"Look, Jessica." Angela snorts. "Here come your boyfriend."
The cafeteria grows silent, a cloud of unease settles over the students, making the air thick and hot. She can practically smell the fear.
Bella sees who Angela is talking about. There's five of them. Beautiful, dark.
"Oh look," Jessica huffs. "Bella is enamored too - well, new girl, They are all together, and Edward doesn't date so don't even try."
Bella can't open her mouth. It's glued shut.
"Don't mind her," Angela rubs Bella's back gently. "She's just mad because Edward won't date her. Those are the Cullens."
Bella turns towards her, not understanding, but her shoulders are tight and her head hurts and she wants to go home and sleep and never wake up.
"Edward is the one with the reddish- brown hair." Angela points him out.
Edward is lanky, eyes forlorn and tortured, he moves like he's always on the defensive. He's powerful. He makes Bella's hands shake.
"Jasper is the blonde guy," Angela tilts her head, trying not to eye Bella's face but does anyway.
Jasper is taller and more muscular, but rigid and stiff. His arms are carefully wrapped around the pixie like girl, who is small and thin but is the epitome of Newton's first law. He doesn't blink, doesn't breathe, and doesn't move. If she were mistaken, she would have thought he was a statue.
"He's… intense. Anyway the girl he's cuddled up with is Alice." Angela explains. "She's actually really nice, and I wish people would realize that."
One of them resembles a bear, thick muscles twisting and flexing under his skin, and his teeth are too sharp and his laugh is too loud.
Angela sees her looking. "Emmett, he's nice too I guess. Similar to Alice. He's helped me out a lot when I travel for AcaDeca. He once just did my homework for me."
"And the last one is..?"
"Rosalie."
At the mention of her name, her head swivels, eyes the color of gold bore into her, ripping a hole through her, leaving her gasping. She's beautiful: long curly blonde hair, statuesque. Like a goddess herself coming to visit Earth.
Bella looks away, looks away before she can start to hyperventilate. "They are all very attractive."
Jessica laughs, snooping in on the conversation between Angela and Bella. "You should see their foster parents."
Bella risks a glance over.
They are all glaring at her.
Bella's body starts to shake. She fumbles with her keys, hands shaking and eyes blurring.
...
"Mom?"
"I'm sorry. I love you."
...
She drives home with sobs finding their way through her clenched teeth and she stops on the side of the road to vomit once.
She really, really didn't feel well enough to go to school today.