Disclaimer: I don't own victorious, or any of it's characters. I just continue to occasionally find uses for them. Of course, the only reward I get for this is reviews. (Hint, hint)
Trigger warning, mentions rape, self harm, and some other less then fun stuff. you've been warned.
Also, the first three chapters fill in a lot of the background. Lots of flashbacks, as shown in italics.
:}
Jade looked out the door, trying to stay focused. Part of her regretted opening the door, one of her few unchallenged fears eating at her heart, but another part just needed to know… Andre was standing there, on the other side of the door, and he was looking for Tori.
Jade had known that the two of them had been in contact, mostly on line, but up until that moment, she had managed to stay out of their growing reacquaintance, and for good reasons. It was one thing to suspect you were hated, quite another to know for certain.
Ever since senior year, when Jade and that group of friends parted ways, she really hadn't been in contact with any of them. 'I admit, after what I did, it was my fault. But still, I could have died, and not one of them would have cared.' She took a deep breath, centering herself, bringing all her willpower to the task of speaking, and asked "Can I help you?"
"Is Tori in?" He looked nervous. She always did intimidate him. Despite that, she knew, back before she messed things up, he had been her friend.
"She's out right now." Jade said, trying to act casual. "Spa day with Trina."
"Oh..." He murmured, seeming to get lost in thought for a second. She could see the way he shifted, he was struggling, trying to figure out how to say whatever it was he needed to say.
'Bet he wants me to tell Tori he dropped by, have her call him.' Jade thought, her body tensing up with rage. However, she was aware that her rage, her anger, just wasn't warranted. She knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the old gang wouldn't have abandoned Tori so easily, not if there there weren't a really good reason. And she knew their reasons, knew those were good reasons, one overwhelmingly good reason, and so she knew why they'd abandoned Tori. Leaving Tori to whatever fate was heading towards her, and leaving Jade, of all people, to find her and pick up the pieces. 'Not that I was looking for her. I mean, logically, practically, I should have been the last person on earth Tori would trust to help her. Practically was. But the thing is, they left her, and I wound up being the rock she leaned upon, even if it did hurt, a lot.' The old gangs reasons may vary, but each and every one of them had backed off, stayed away when Tori needed them the most. Jade needed to speak, just to force her mind away from darker thoughts. "So?"
"I was just checking in, seeing how you guys were doing." Dre said, trying to sound nonchalant while not meeting her eyes.
'I'm alive, fuck you very much.' Jade thought, but held her tongue, trying to keep her rage, her growing guilt, from infecting this interaction. Instead, she tried, really tried, to say something neutral. "Don't lie to me." Came out instead, a sharp, harsh sound. "I know you could care less about me. You just wanna make sure I haven't skinned miss perfect alive."
"It's not..." He started, but this was Andre, the boy who prided himself on always doing whats right. "Okay, yea, sure. I came by to make sure you haven't hurt her. She'd been going through a rough time when you found her, and I wanted to be sure you weren't using her."
It hurt, cutting her to the core, that this person, the one guy at Hollywood Arts she called a friend without conditions, basically admitting he was only checking in on Tori. Worse, that he couldn't have cared less about her. Tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to push forward, but Jade West didn't let people see her cry. "A little late, don't you think?" She hissed. "We've been together for almost two years. You've let her slide for what, seven?"
It was unfair, accusing him of that. Yes, Tori had been hurt by what she'd done, but that was hardly why they left her to her fate. A year out of school, Tori ran into Steven Carson's family, and it turned out his father had a lot of connections in the entertainment business. And yes, Mister Carson did hold a grudge, enough of one to get her blackballed, once he knew where she was trying to go in life. Then, her friends had to distance themselves, so they could work, get jobs in the industry. The idea, in theory, what that later, once they were established and beyond reproach, maybe they could help her out. And while that was happening, Tori tried to focus on school, collage, getting an education. Pity she had more then just the Carson's to deal with.
"I've never stopped looking out for her." Andre snapped back. "I was there for her, doing what I could. But she asked us, begged us to distance ourselves, make careers for ourselves, so we could undo the blackballing."
Tori hadn't done so well, once entertainment was no longer an option. Her dream was shattered, and while she struggled to rebuild her life, her family dynamics only made it worse. Her parents divorced, further disrupting her once ideal seeming world. Then, while she was reeling from that betrayal, her mother running off with her fathers ex partner, Gary, her dad got shot in the line of duty. He lived, but was placed behind a desk, even as the expenses from the divorce piled up. A Her mothers new relationship soured quickly after David was shot, cause Gary blamed himself for David going into a bad situation without backup. 'Funny, it was Gary who came back, begging for forgiveness. Holly, she took her half, and was in the wind.' Jade thought. 'But that left Tori broke, in need of a safe place, and running from her own family, just to be able to breath. No collage for Tori.' Jade refocused on the conversation in front of her.
"Yea, I get that." Jade sighed. "I'll let her know you were here." Jade's mind was somewhere else, thinking about Tori, back when she found the girl.
Jade remembered what Tori had told her, how she'd been broken, hurting. It was obvious because Tori had, out of desperation, agreed to date this guy who flat out lied to her. Jason managed the restaurant she'd been waitressing at, and he promised her he could help. He swore that, though the restaurant, he made contacts, people who could work around the system, and they could get her back into entertainment, living her dream. But what he did was first seduce her, then have her sleep with a couple of his friends, clients at his club. She'd found out he'd lied fairly quickly, and confronted him, only to be laughed at. Tori left, went home, and contemplated killing herself. She even retrieved the gun she'd taken from her father, with the intent of keeping her father from using it to hurt herself, and seriously debated using on herself. But while she was working up to that desperate move, still worried about who would take care of her father if she were totally gone, she'd found another crappy waitressing job, just to pay the rent.
"You'll tell her?" Andre asked, pulling her once more out of her thoughts.
Jade grimaced at her memory, but promised. "I'll tell her."
Jade, meanwhile, had gone to school while focusing on her own problems, and feeling more and more desperate as time went on. Her parents, who were never that well off to begin with, disowned her from the day she turned eighteen. She had a scholarship to go to school, but it didn't cover enough, jut the classes, some of the books. Jade needed more cash, so she worked, lived in her car, did whatever it took to keep going on. Some days she only had one meal, other she didn't eat. In the end, she'd worked in porn. 'Not acting, despite how much a lot of the guys wanted to work with me, but at the time, I just wasn't comfortable selling my body. Had my reasons, and others added to them, but I just couldn't. Lucky me, they needed people in production almost more then they needed pretty girls to fuck in front of the camera.' By the time she'd met up with Tori again, Jade had her name on countless productions, all of them pornography. She'd done just about every job one could do behind the camera, from makeup to writing to post production to lighting to even unaccredited directing of some of the non sexual scenes which needed a more nuanced eye. But that work gave her experience, money (enough to live on), drive, a reason to start working on her own stories, her own scripts. Jade was becoming an independent filmmaker.
Andre hadn't moved yet. Despite his fear of her, he watched her like a hawk, not yet ready to go away. "Maybe I could leave her a note?" He said, steeling himself for an explosion.
'I survived that experience, and a lot more. Of course I wasn't ready to act in those movies, cause of the trauma. I'd recently survived a couple of attacks, including another fucking rape. You'd think, me being abused as a child, that would have been enough. But no, I had to go screw things up, hurt Tori, and as a result, living in my fucking car, I would up getting raped again. Adding that to the original, god I felt so dead inside, almost like I didn't care any more, like maybe I could just get drunk enough and let them do with my body what they liked. Then, I'd have had the drive to do what I really wanted to do, and just end the pain… Only I found Tori first, and everything changed….' Pushing back another tear, The pale girl focused again on her one time friend. "Sorry, what?" She asked.
"Can I leave Tori a note?" He repeated, now more frustrated.
"Sure." She agreed, shrugging. She was already slipping down the rabbit whole, fueled by old guilt, unresolved beliefs, and the confirmation of one of her oldest fears.
While she was waiting for him to write the note, her mind flashed back to her and Tori's first meeting since high school. It had been about as painful, as full angst. Jade remembered, even before being reminded, what she'd done, back in high school, to be banished from her friends, her life. She remembered, during her senior year, how a prank she pulled had escalated into almost ruining Tori's reputation. Jade hadn't wanted to insinuate she was a slut, just get her to back off from Beck, who was once again showing signs of wanting to be with the Latina. However, the shakedown left Jade on probation at Hollywood Arts for the rest of the year, not being allowed to participate in any plays, limited to school sanctioned performances, and doing so much makeup work and detention she hardly had a social life. Jade had been functionally alone for years because of that one prank, but it didn't matter, cause Tori was hurting too. Tori just had friends, family, to help her through it.
"How will I know she got this note?" Andre asked, confirming to Jade that he didn't trust her. He held the note in his hand, waving it slightly to emphasize what he was talking about.
Jade sighed. "Give it to fucking Trina." She slammed the door. Now too lost in her memories, she couldn't move. Old guilt, deeply felt old pain, assaulted her mind, reflecting her insecurity, driving her to her knees. She slid back, falling to the floor as those memories of what she'd done, what she'd been through, pushed back to the surface. It was too late for any of the techniques she's bee shown to help her drive those dark memories back. Her only way out was though.
She remembered the day Tori proposed. It was, almost literally, two days after she'd found the girl again. After noticing Tori working as a waitress in some diner, and dwaddling about it for a time, Jade had finally gotten the courage to talk to Tori. Admittedly, it was her growing feeling of loss, of giving up, that had pushed her to go talk. Jade didn't even know when she opened the door, walking into the place, what she wanted to talk about. She just knew Tori would have to talk to her. Then, Jade would have been able tell her how sorry she was, maybe help, if needed, before she decided what to do with her life. 'I always was including ending it back then. It felt like a valid choice.' Now that thought scared her, but it was the shadow in her thoughts back then, just under the surface, waiting to show itself, claim her as it's prize. Jade wanted to pay, while ending her pain. Death raked just below porn, and not by that much.
Then She remembered the conversation.
Tori looked unkempt, shaky. "What the fuck do you want?" She barked, no patience.
Jade had only come into this restaurant because the waitress looked like Tori, and something drew her in. 'I need to do this, just get it off my chest. Let her know how sorry I am, then I can end it. No, no need to think about that yet. Just, take a breath, maybe porn won't be so bad. Focus, talk to Tori.' She took a deep breath, shifting nervously from one foot to the other, before she spoke to the angry girl. "I just… What happened? You look..." She stopped, but only to find the word.
"Unhappy? Upset? Angry? Fucking put out?" Tori was getting angrier. "OR MAYBE YOUR GONNA USE THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO REMIND ME THAT PEOPLE AREN'T FUCKING NICE, THAT I DON'T LOOK GOOD? UGLY? UNLOVED? UNWANTED?! WELL FUCK THE HELL OUT OF YOU, BITCH, CAUSE I DON'T NEED THAT SHIT!"
"I was gonna say broken." Jade said, her own voice shaky.
"Fuck off." Tori spat, her voice full of venom.
"Look, I know you'll probably never forgive me..." Jade tried.
"Thats for sure." Tori cut in.
"But I was hoping to make amends before..." Jade's voice faded, horror crossing her face for just a moment as she realized what she'd just admitted.
"WHO FUCKING TOLD YOU?" Tori asked, her voice echoing down the halls. "WAS IT ANDRE?! BECK?! WELL, TELL THEM I'M DOING JUST FINE! NO ONE NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT ME, NO ONE NEEDS TO WORRY ABOUT TORI!" She broke down in tears, losing whatever composure she had as she fell to her knees. As the now hysterical girl was laying in a lump on the floor, the manager of the restaurant she'd been working at walked out to let her know her reference just called to give her a crappy review.
"Sorry, Tori, but I just spoke with one of your former employers, and with that review, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to let you go." He looked around, saw the way Jade was glaring at him. "Give me a moment to get your final payment out, and we'll get this over with, okay?"
Not sure what else to do, and not wanting to just leave her there, not after what Tori had just admitted, Jade took her home, hesitating just long enough to gather the Latina's pay for her. Only she chose Tori's home, cause Jade was living in an RV tailor that doubled as her office, as well as the dressing room for the independent film she was struggling to make. It was also conveniently close to her work, literally in the parking lot of the building where she worked.
Jade still worked for Soft Touch Productions, the pornography studio, where they let her edit and work on her own film around their work schedule. If she was honest, they sold her the tailor at cost just so she'd have a place, and provided her with both water and sewage hookups, as well as electricity. Her power needs didn't add anything to their costs. In return, they had an editor right there, as well as anything else she could do, for any of the shoots they might be doing at the studio, at any given time.
'I remember Tori's place.' Jade smiled, despite herself, then once again let the pain of what she'd been through, as well as what was left to come, overtake her. 'Tori lived in a small, grungy studio apartment, livable bit not great. The room was small, and there was a shared shower at the end of the hall.' Later, Tori would tell Jade that she'd learned take sponge baths in the sink, to avoid the scuzzy people living near by. Instead she ran into far more scuzzy people out there, looking to use her.
Once inside the apartment, Jade put Tori on the Murphy bed and held her hand until the girl stopped crying. That took a few minutes, making the pale goth worry that maybe she wouldn't be able o o through wit this. 'No, I'm not gonna let her end her life. Not before I find a way to save her.' Jade had the determination of the cornered, looking fr any escape from what she saw as her own impending end.
After a while, after Tori recovered enough, Jade was able to slowly pry some of what Tori had been going through from her, as ell as what she'd learned from Tori's open emails, her phone, and whatever other clues were laying around. "Let me help." Jade offered. "Look, I can do it. I'm so far out of the mainstream of Hollywood, whomever's blackballing you can't touch me, and it's a chance for me to maybe make up for what I did back in senior year."
"You mean catfhishing me, getting me to take some embarrassing pictures, and posting them?" Tori asked. "God, I'm glad I didn't give you nudes."
"Did you ever think as to why I didn't ask for any?" Jade asked.
"Because if you posted a nude of me, you could have gone to jail." Tori replied. "Now get out. I'm sorry, but this trip down memory lane isn't helping me."
"Sure, once you tell me how you intend to do it." Jade countered. She'd steeled herself for this confrontation, sure she was ready for just about anything Tori might throw her way.
"Do what?" Tori asked.
"Kill yourself." Jade said, her voice icy calm. Inside, she was shaking, terrified that Tori would toss her out without having a chance to do anything. Since some of the people she worked with had taken a chance on her, helped her out, Jade had learned the value of a second chance. The last thing she was going to do was let Tori end her life before she got hers. Also, Jade was still inches from the edge, and if she was going to end it, then she was going to save Tori first.
"Who the fuck said I wanted to kill myself?" Tori asked.
"You did." Jade replied. "Back at the restaurant. So, how you gonna do it?" She watched the other girl for any signs that Tori might be serious, agitated, or otherwise ready to react badly to this uncomfortable conversation.
"Why do you care?" Tori asked back. Her body shook, just a bit, as she wrapped her arms around herself.
"I just do." Jade insisted. "So, how?"
There was a long moment of silence between them, neither moving, both holding their breaths. It seemed like Tori wasn't going to talk, then the silence was broken. "I have my dad's gun." Tori admitted. Her voice was weak, shaky, but growing stronger as she spoke. "I took it from him so he wouldn't kill himself. I.. I diidn't know what to do…" She was crying again.
"Give me the gun." Jade said, her voice strong, commanding. Inside, she felt weak, but the idea of Tori dying hurt her more then anything, because it was still, in her mind, her fault.
Shaking a bit as she stood up, Tori walked over to a closet and retrieved a small box. She pulled a gun out of the box, a Glock 23, and immediately pointed it at Jade. "Why do you want it?" Tori demanded. "Planning on saving me the trouble? You gonna finish what you started? Maybe I should take this trade, just shoot you, and let the penal system take care of me. I mean, what have I got to lose?"
:}
I've been so unfocused, all over the place, working on one story, then another, until this one reminded me it existed, and I liked it enough to change every word of what I already had written, and see if maybe I could add more. Not my best work, but I do kinda like it. So, what do you think. Let me know.
Also, lets be honest, Tori doesn't shoot Jade. At least not fatally. Just saying.