Don't Leave Her
"Don't leave her," Celia pleaded as she sat in Kate's living room.
"Celia, I love Caroline very much and, given the opportunity, I'd like to think that I would be able to make her very happy…. but… she has a lot on her plate at present…what, with John, the boys and you and Alan getting married. She hasn't had time to think about what it is that she wants or needs for herself and…" Kate hesitated, "at the moment, I don't think it's me so, while I appreciate that you've come here and said what you've said, without sounding too selfish, I have to look after me and I think it's best for both of us if I just give her some space to decide what it is she really wants to do. Maybe sometime in the future we can try again." Kate was trying to sound very sensible and in control but beneath her confident exterior her heart was tearing in two.
Not knowing what more she could say and sensing that any attempt to change Kate's mind would be futile, Celia rose wearily, thanked Kate for taking the time to listen to her, apologised once more and left. As Kate watched Celia walk down the path she felt a sudden, desperate urge to run after her and tell her she'd changed her mind and insist that she take her to Caroline but she remained there at the door, anchored, whether out of sheer pride or a sense of self-preservation, she did not know.
As Celia drove home she contemplated how cruel and unfair life could be. After almost half a bloody century of disappointment and the misery of trying to put on a brave face in the wake of her philandering husband, she had finally tasted a happiness that she had hardly imagined possible, only to have it snatched from her after such a short time. It was almost more than she could bear. Her heart was breaking. Not only had she lost Alan, her daughter, the only real light in her miserable life with her husband, was now sad beyond belief all because of her narrow mindedness. Celia had no idea now how she was going to fix things. Her only plan had not had the outcome she had hoped for.
Celia drove the Lexus into her parking spot and walked despondently into her granny flat. Half-packed boxes were scattered about the room. She collapsed onto her sofa and wondered what to do next. Although it was late, Celia thought that she should at least tell Caroline what she had done and face the daunting task of beginning to make amends with her daughter.
Celia walked around from her little flat and knocked on the door. After what seemed an age, the door opened and a dishevelled Caroline stood in the doorway, her face drawn and tear-stained.
"What do you want?" Caroline asked abruptly.
"Do you have a moment?" Celia asked.
After some hesitation, Caroline motioned for her to come in. Celia followed her towards the kitchen. On her way through Caroline picked up her glass of wine, not her first for the evening, and continued into the kitchen. There, she slumped silently against a bench and waited forlornly for her mother to speak.
"I do love you, you know," Celia began…
Caroline's eyes momentarily lifted to look at her mother as if she was about to say something then she thought better of it. Instead she drained her glass of wine and remained silent.
"I'm sorry I've spoiled everything for you, Caroline. I've been sitting in my room thinking about it all and, as I tried to explain to Kate, it's all my …"
"Pardon," interrupted Caroline. "What did you try to explain to Kate and when?"
"As I said, I spent hours thinking and I worked out that it was just my own daft ideas and thoughts that came from years of insecurities and being married to your dad. Anyway, I realised I was being unreasonable so I went over to Kate's house tonight to apologise, to explain and to tell her that it was my fault not yours and to ask her to come back to you…"Celia's voice trailed off. She wasn't sure what to say next.
Caroline looked at Celia in disbelief. A small, sad smile lifted the corners of her mouth as she imagined the scene of her mother apologising to the feisty Kate.
"What did she say?" Caroline asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
"She was very selfless really. She said you had too many things on your plate to be worried about her and that you probably needed time on your own to sort stuff out. But, she did say that she loved you….very much…..and thought that in the future…. I'm sorry, love. I couldn't convince her."
It was all too much for Caroline. Without so much as another word to her mother, Caroline left the kitchen, wine bottle and glass in hand and headed up the stairs to her bedroom leaving Celia standing there, alone and bereft.
Friday morning came and Caroline was jolted out of an alcohol-induced sleep by her alarm. Her head felt fuzzy with a faint headache forming….how many glasses of wine had she had? She tried to remember….too many. As the fog in her head cleared, the pain and anguish of her life came back to her. How was she going to make it through the day feeling like this? It was a demanding job even when she was at the top of her game. It would be almost impossible feeling like total rubbish as Caroline did at this moment. She would have to put on a brave face and perhaps lock her office door and stay out of sight for as much of the day as possible. It was Friday. She only had to make it through this one day. She also had to try and make it through the day without bumping into Kate. Despite having handed Caroline her resignation, Kate had had to give two weeks' notice so she would still be at school. Caroline didn't know how she would cope if she had to come face to face with her or talk to her.
Caroline managed to make her way to her office unnoticed. However, after only a few short minutes there was a knock at the door and Beverley, Caroline's assistant, marched in to confirm some appointments and verify various timetables changes.
"Are you alright?" asked Beverley as she noticed Caroline's unusually withdrawn demeanour.
Caroline nodded, not trusting her voice to speak.
"Gavin would like a meeting with you next Tuesday at 3:15pm to discuss some finances and you have a meeting with Mrs Aspinell today at 1:30pm," Beverley rattled on, "oh, and Kate McKenzie rang in sick this morning so Jennifer Street is covering her lessons. Kate said she wasn't sure when she would be back so I've put Mrs Street on standby."
"Thank you," said Caroline quietly. "Beverley, would you mind getting me a cup of tea, please? I'm parched."
"Sure. I think Alison has just made a fresh pot," replied Beverley, getting up and walking towards the door.
Caroline needed time alone to pull herself together. As much as she'd been unsure of what she'd do if she saw Kate, part of her did want to catch sight of her again letting her believe that Kate wasn't gone completely from her life.
Caroline's day passed in a haze…forms were signed, meetings were held and phone calls made but she had little recall of the decisions arrived at or the conversations had. Finally, as the afternoon crept on, Caroline decided that she couldn't go on feeling like this. She needed to see Kate and talk to her…be open and honest with her. With that decision made, Caroline was able to focus a little better on the remaining few jobs she had to do but her eyes kept wandering to her office clock until at 3:30pm she decided she could leave for the day with a clear conscience.
Nervously Caroline stood at Kate's front door and rang the bell. While she waited for Kate to answer the door, Caroline ran the words she was going to say over in her head.
Kate appeared at the door. She gave Caroline a brief, unconvincing smile as she opened it politely but did not invite her in. It was obvious that Kate had been crying.
"I was told that you were sick," Caroline said softly, "so I thought I'd come over and see if you were alright."
It was a lame excuse and totally transparent but Caroline was beyond caring. Kate reluctantly stood aside and motioned for Caroline to come in. As Caroline entered the room she briefly thought about the previous time she was at Kate's house and how different that occasion had been to this one…they'd made love for hours. Kate lead them to her lounge room where they sat on the sofa, Caroline at one end, Kate at the other….neither one knowing exactly how to start the conversation.
"Are you alright? Beverley said you were sick," Caroline finally asked as she fidgeted nervously with the end of her scarf.
"I'll be fine," Kate replied trying to sound calmer than she actually felt, the presence of this gorgeous woman almost more than she could stand. Would she ever be able to get over her?
Finally Caroline took a deep breath and lifted her beautiful blue eyes to look at Kate as she began to speak quietly, "Kate, before you disappear from my life completely, I need you to know something."
Kate, too, lifted her eyes and gave Caroline her full attention.
"I haven't told you this before….well, you know how bad I am with expressing my feelings, " Caroline continued, "but the very first time I saw you I instantly felt this…this jolt of attraction…a chemistry if you like….I knew that if I didn't do anything about it I would …um…develop feelings for you and I couldn't afford to do that….I just thought it would make things even more complicated than they already were….what, with John and the boys and my job. Then John went off with Judith. My world as I knew it was shattered and there you were…..kind, thoughtful, caring, putting up with all my selfish rubbish….and, well, as you know….one thing lead to another….you started to break down my protective wall. And then my mother and Alan went missing…..well, it was then that I decided that we really only get one chance at happiness and …love…and it's too precious to lose. I've come to realise that you are my one chance. I know I've mucked things up badly….I haven't appreciated you, I haven't fought hard enough for you…us…but that's what I want to do now. I'm here to ask you to give me one more chance…. let me make amends."
Caroline's words were beginning to falter and she was having difficulty maintaining her semblance of composure.
"That wall is gone now. I have come to terms with what it is that I want…need…to be happy. I need you. I have fallen in love with you, Kate…..deeply in love…and ….please.." Caroline broke down, unable to keep at bay any longer the grief and pain of the days since that fateful dinner.
Moved to tears herself by Caroline's honesty and declaration of love….she knew how difficult it was for Caroline to express her emotions….Kate closed the distance between them and put her arms around Caroline's neck drawing her in for a brief, tender kiss. Caroline slipped her arms around Kate's waist and held her tightly, her face awash with tears.
"Caroline," Kate whispered, "before I met you, if somebody had asked me about love at first sight I would have dismissed it as nonsense, but that first time we met….well, I felt it too…that chemistry. It was so palpable; I half expected to see sparks in the air." They both laughed softly at the idea. Kate continued, "I fell in love with you there and then, Doctor Elliot." Kate stopped there to allow Caroline to take in this bit of information. "But, to be truthful, it hasn't been easy."
"I know," Caroline stuttered guiltily, "but I promise to try harder if…."
Kate cut her off. "I need some conviction, some reassurance. I don't think I will survive if you break my heart again," Kate confessed.
Caroline lifted her head, the sadness of the last 48 hours etched on her face, and placed a tentative kiss on Kate's lips, "I promise to love you and appreciate you from now on." Another soft kiss. Then Caroline looked deeply into Kate's chocolate brown eyes and saw what she was looking for….forgiveness, understanding, a second chance. Again their mouths met but this time the kiss was deep, passionate and loving, erasing the pain of the last two days.
When they finally relented and came up for air, Caroline took Kate's chin in her hand, looked her in the eyes and said, "I can't promise that it will always be smooth sailing, what, with John and my mother…but at the very least it will be entertaining…. however, I can promise you that I will love you openly and honestly and I will always stand up and fight for you and us. You are my one chance of love and happiness."
"And you, Caroline, are mine," Kate replied, her emotions threatening to overflow.
They sat in a loose embrace on the sofa. A peaceful silence hung over them as each took in what had just happened, allowing their sadness to dissipate and daring to let happiness into their hearts again. Caroline almost felt the need to pinch herself as she held in her arms the lover she'd almost lost. She was still feeling some measure of disbelief that this beautiful woman sitting beside her was almost certainly going to give her a second chance – a chance perhaps she didn't really deserve but she would definitely grasp with both hands.
Gently, oh so gently, Kate was running her fingers down the side of her friend's face and under her chin taking in the beauty that was Caroline. She brought Caroline's face towards hers and kissed her lips and eyelids before making a trail of soft kisses down her neck.
"It's getting late, Caroline. You probably need to go home to the boys," Kate suggested, reluctant to end the evening but knowing that it was inevitable.
"I know but I don't want to not be with you. Will you come with me?" Caroline begged. "Tomorrow's Saturday. We can sleep in, have a leisurely breakfast. I can't wake up and not have you beside me."
"Just let me throw a few things in a bag and I'll be with you," replied Kate hoping that she didn't sound too desperate but…what the hell…she didn't care, she was desperate to be with her lovely Caroline.