Disclaimer: Harry Potter's rights? I'm afraid they're not mine.
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AN: This is a journal article! I'm not so sure if it looks like it, but oh well. And about the title… I though that if it was written by Gilderoy Lockhart it would something like 'Demand with a Dementor' or something like that. Oh, vote on my poll plz! :D
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The Joy of a Dementor
Peter Lewis, journalist of Daily Prophet, most commonly known by his article 'Which one will I get next?' about chocolate frogs, interviewed this time a Dementor by the Flow Network.
PL: So, what's like to be a Dementor?
Dementor: It sucks to be a Dementor. (pause) Did you get the pun? Sucks? Because we suck your happiness and soul… (laughs)
PL: Yeah, it was funny… (forces a laugh) And why's that?
Dementor: Well, for once everyone's scared of us. And we can only get ONE JOB in the whole world! How do you think it feels like to know that the only thing you'll do when you grow up is to be an Azkaban guard?
PL: I see your point… it really sucks… uh, pun intended? (laughs) Did you want to be something else?
Dementor: I always dreamed about being a comedian. But of corse no one hires a Dementor as a comedian! We're not even able to go to the interviews because we depress the other candidates. (sighs)
PL: Wow, I never expected that, Dementor…
Dementor: Do you know what's also annoys me? To be called Dementor. I have a name, you know? It's not like I treat you by Wizard!
PL: Sorry, you're right. What's your name?
Dementor: I'm Stuart. But its okay, I guess…
PL: If you could be a comedian, what would you do?
Stuart: Well, I always imagine going to the stage, turn to the public, and then say: 'Is it just me or its cold out of sudden?' You know, to break the ice!
PL: (laughs) Two puns! Oh, you're good!
Stuart: Thanks! But my momma says that o matter how good I am making puns and jokes, I'll always be stuck in Azkaban so I should have already given up. But I can't do that, because that's what my cousin Josh did, he wanted to be a pastry chef, and now he's more depressed than the prisoners.
PL: Can't you be a comedian for Dementors?
Stuart: No. (sighs) We may be known for sucking other people's happiness for ourselves, but most of us don't like when we make the happiness.
PL: You can't be happy by yourselves? And how about love?
Stuart: There's no love between us. It's against our nature. Literally. You can't even expect us to kiss each other! By doing that we would be sucking each other's souls out… Not the best thing to do on a first date, right?
PL: (laughs) I guess it isn't. So, you never had fun, ever? Doing anything?*
Stuart: I said it sucks, didn't I? And it isn't only by that, we're discriminated. Once I saw two boys in a street, Little Whinging I think, and they were bullying each other. Josh and I came to them to stop the fight and the thin one started to shoot Patronus at us! I mean, c'mon! We were only trying to help!
PL: What were you doing in Little Whinging?
Stuart: I was trying to take Josh to a pastry, it was after that incident that he gave up on cooking… (sighs)
PL: Oh, sorry to hear that. But our time is running out, is there anything you would like to add?
Stuart: I would like to thank you for the chance of let people know how life is for us and… well, if anyone end up in Azkaban you can always call for me to tell you some jokes!
A picture of Stuart can be found in the next page (waving like a maniac, and trying other poses like thumbs up or peace symbol) and support the cause 'Dementors ain't that bad' sending a owl to the Daily Prophet or Stuart.
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*- a line from A Very Potter Musical, from Quirrel to Voldemort xD
I had a dream in which a Dementor appeared (don't remember why) and when I wake up the first thing I though was 'It sucks to be a Dementor'
Also, as I was writing this I was listening to the music Why can't we be friends, by War… oh the irony!
That last thing about Little Whining is about Harry and Dudley in the OotP, in case you hadn't noticed.