(for whatever reason it somewhat changed my format and spelling and capitalization when I uploaded it.)
Full House
Episode 1
"Full House Meets Rico"
Opening credits
FADE IN:
INT. TANNER LIVING ROOM – DAY
Dj is sitting watching tv and enjoying a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. as she takes a bite of the sandwich you can hear part of the newscast
Newscaster
This just in, it seems most types of peanut butter have been found to
have a deadly strain of poison. They have sent out a n
otice to all people who have purchased peanut butter in the last
20 days to return it to the store for a full refund as it could be dangerous
Dj spits the sandwich out and looks at it which a disgusted look on her face
DJ
Geeze, never thought I could live on the wild side just by eating a P.B. and J
Audience laughs
Just then danny tanner walks in through the front door
Danny
Its official! I'm the luckiest man in the world!
DJ
What happened?
DANNY
Well first, today at work I got to the vending machine to buy a clark bar, I put in my money, press the button.
And presto! Two clark bars come out of the machine. Then I go to use the pay phone in the break room and put in a quarter and BAM
two quarters come out of the machine! Its like they paid ME to USE THE PHONE!
audience laughs
DJ
Gee dad, you truly are rolling in the luck
Dj rolls her eyes. Audience laughs
Uncle jesse enters the living room through the kitchen door.
Uncle Jesse
Hi guys I'm just here for more blankets..
Danny and dj look at uncle jesse. They notice uncle jesse is very thin and pale with bloodshot red eyes.
DANNY
Jesse.. Where have you been? We haven't seen you much in the past few weeks or so.
UNCLE JESSE
(yells) LISTEN! I MOVED IN HERE TO HELP YOU RAISE THESE KIDS! IF I WANT TO LAY LOW FROM PEOPLE IN THE BASEMENT I DON'T NEED ANY FLACK FROM YOU ALRIGHT?! MY GOD ITS LIKE I'M IN A PRISON!
DANNY
What do you mean lay low from people? Are you in some type of trouble jess?
Jesse looks at danny giving a look like he just realized what he had said and flings his hand in the air and walks out of the room
DJ
Whats with uncle jesse?
DANNY
I'm not sure..
Danny walks into the kitchen after uncle jesse
Int. tanner kitchen - day
Jesse is pacing back in forth in the kitchen scratching his neck repeatedly. He looks up and notices danny walked in the kitchen and screams in fear
DANNY (CONT'D)
Jesse whats going on?!
JESSE
I THOUGHT YOU WERE HIM!
DANNY
HIM WHO??
JUST AFTER HE SAID THAT THE PHONE RINGS. THE RINGING PHONE SCARES JESSE AND HE RUNS BACK INTO THE BASEMENT.
DANNY
Didn't know he was such a scardey cat.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS
DANNY TURNS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE. THE TELEPHONE CONVERSATION GOES AS FOLLOWS
Danny: "Hello Tanner residence"
caller: "Do you have it?"
Danny: "Listen bucko you call here everyday and ask the same question! No I do not have anything!"
caller: "Last chance is up..*click*"
Danny hangs up the phone and shakes his head
Danny
Dang kids with there dang manly voices
Audience laughs
After saying that danny hears the door close and DJ scream from the living room. Danny then runs into the living room to see what's going on.
DANNY (CONT'D)
Deeje what is going on..
Danny looks up and realizes there's an italian man with many gold chains and a gun standing in the living room.
Rico
Where the fuck is jesse?! Tell me or ill blow you the fucks away right now!
DANNY
Woah woah woah. Whets this all about bub? You don't just walk into the Tanner household uninvited wielding a gun.
Rico looks at danny with a confused look
RICO
(shakes head in confusion) NO NO NO! NONE OF THIS SHIT! TELL ME WHERE JESSE IS!
Audience laughs
DJ becomes runs to her dad and grabs his leg
DJ
Dad I'm scared!
DanNY
Listen, mister..
RiCO
Call me Rico..now get..fucking...jesse
DANNY
Okay okay...he's in the basement.. I'll go get him. DJ you stay here
DJ
BUT DAD!
DANNY
Just do as I say
Danny walks through the kitchen door to go get jesse
Rico
Hey little girl bitch. You got any others in tha house right bout now?!
DJ
Just my little sister Michelle at the moment sir..
Rico
Well go upstairs and get tha sorry cunt..boy I gotta see this bitch. If shes even half as ugly as you I might just pass out from an ugly overload yah cunt (RICO POINTS TO HIS HEAD AND STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
Audience laughs
Dj runs upstairs to get michelle. rico sits on the couch and gets comfortable
Rico (CONT'D)
I CAN GET USED TAH THE FUCKIN CUNT SHIT HERE HAHHA! COUCH IS COUSHY LIKE SOFT BREAD THO HAHA!
DANNY WALKS BACK INTO THE ROOM THROUGH THE KITCHEN DOOR
DANNY
Jesses gone..
RICO
Not surprising, he was always one to travel.
Audience laughs akwardly
DJ and michelle begin to walk down the stairs while at the same time uncle joey walked through the front door
Joey
Hey guys I've got great new..
BANG. Rico shoots uncle joey in the face immediately killing him
Dj and michelle
NO UNCLE JOEY!
DJ AND MICHELLE RUN TO UNCLE JOEY. MICHELLE LOOKS AT THE BLOOD SOAKED HOLE IN UNCLE JOEYS FACE AND KISSES HIS FOREHEAD
MICHELLE
I'll miss you uncle joey..
RICO LOOKS DESIRABLY AT MICHELLE
RICO
I cant wait to see the pink..
Audience laughs awkwardly
Danny
Well...we'll do whatever you want..just please leave us alone...
RICO
I want the uncle jesse! (he shrieks)
DANNY
He's not here but what did you want with him??
RICO
The money.. MY ICE AINT FREE!!
DANNY LOOKS CONFUSED
DANNY
All this over a bag of ice cubes?
RICO
I MEAN THE CRYSTAL!
DANNY
Crystal meth?! No way jesse does that!
Cut to:
EXT. alleyway - day
We see jesse taking a big hit of crystal. He slowly exhales it.
JESSE
Have Mercy.
Audience laughs and applauds
Cut to:
INT. TANNER LIVING ROOM – DAY
We see dj and michelle sitting on the couch with tears in there eyes while rico stand in front of them staring at them while licking his lips. Danny then walks into the room covered in blood.
DaNNY
Look I'm almost done cutting up the body for you but can I please make my kids some lunch. Their starved.
Rico
ILL FEED THE FUCKING NEED! FINISH CHOPPIN!
DANNY WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN AND RICO FOLLOWS. THE FILM TRANSITIONS AND RICO WALKS OUT WITH TwO PB AND J SANDWICHES AND THROWS THEM ON THE TABLE
Rico (CONT'D)
Eat the butter jelly NOW!
Dj grabs the sandwich picks up the sandwich and looks at michelle
DJ
Do whatever he says Michelle.. If we do what he says well be okay.
Michelle then picks up the sandwich and eats it
Danny then walks back into the living room this time even more soaked in blood.
DaNNY
Okay I did what you wanted. No one will ever be able to identify that body. Can we please just go back to our normal lives. We have no idea where jesse is with your icicles.
Audience laughs
Rico
You've been good to me fagman. Ill let this be over for you guys
Rico quickly pulls out his gun and shoots danny in the head. Then quickly looks at dj and michelle.
DANNY
I just wanted the fagman to hack up a body before I killed him.
NO REASONS IN HERE THOUGH (RICO POINTS TO HIS HEAD AND STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
ALL OF THE SUDDEN RICO STOPS LAUGHING AND POINTS THE GUN AT DJ. BANG. HE BLASTS HER IN THE FACE KILLING HER INSTANTLY. THEN HE LOOKS AT MICHELLE. rico notices Michelles face is severely puffed up and looks like she is in desperate need of medical assistance.
Rico
You look like you've had some of that poison peanut butter that does go round now (RICO POINTS TO HIS HEAD AND STARTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
RICO (CONT'D)
So little pink...you like Italian sausage...
MiCHELLE
(tearing up) I don know sir. Im not sure ive had it.
RICO
Oh..taste this one..(rico starts to reach down for his zipper)
Just then stephanie walks into the house
Stephanie
Hi every body I..
Stephanie sees the carnage and blood all over the house and screams
StEPHANIE (CONT'D)
Daddy...dj.... what what..whyy!!!
RIGHT AFTER RICO LOOKS her then at THE CAMERA. THE CAMERA SLOWLY ZOOMS ON RICOs face.
RICO
Looks like it will be a threesome of pink pussy for me in the Full House HAHAHAHA
AUDIENCE GASPS
RHINESTONE COWBOY STARTS TO PLAY
ROLL CREDITS