Warning: This story contains drug use, profanity, and mild sexual content. If you don't like any of that, turn back now.

AN: This was originally intended to be posted as a one shot, but the sheer number of ideas prevented it from being such. Instead, its going to be posted in short chapters that will be around 2000-3000 words or so (most likely in between that). Also, while this does borderline on a crackfic, much of this is still grounded in the same historical based reality that Strike Witches is based in.

Criticism is always appreciated! I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I probably will enjoy writing it.

-Symbiotic

Chapter 1-Mail Call

July 1945
501st Base of Operations
Romagna, Italy

When the witches of the 501st Joint Fighter Wing gathered in the briefing room of their Romagnan base, the squadron's commanding officers, Major Mio Sakamoto and Lieutenant Colonel Minna-Dietlinde Wilcke, took their places at the front of the room. The other witches sat at tables.

"Attention!" Mio barked. The other witches stood up from their seats and held their hands at their sides. Each of the witches stared stoically as Minna took her place at the podium in front of the room. Mio scanned the room with her right eye to make sure that all the witches stood at attention as their commanding officer got ready to speak. She herself stood as still as a tree, not giving away any indication that she was watching the other witches.

Minna took her place at the podium and looked around the room at the witches of the 501st. "At ease," she ordered. The other witches sat down in their seats and looked at their commanding officer. Mio took her own seat next to Yoshika Miyafuji and Lynette Bishop. Francesca Lucchini placed her head back on the table and fell back to sleep. Charlotte "Shirley" Yeager picked her legs up onto the wooden table in front of her, leaned back in her seat, and smirked.

"Show some more respect, Liberion," Gertrud Barkhorn said. Shirley glanced over to her left at the Karsland commander. She sat sternly in her place with her hands on the table. "It is unprofessional for a soldier to have her feet up on the table like that."

"Says you, Karlslander," Shirley remarked. Gertrud gnashed her teeth and clenched her fists before turning attention back to Minna. Shirley giggled at Gertrud's irritation.

"Forward observation posts near Monte Cassino have reported a lull in neuroi activity over the past several days," Minna began. "Though all is currently quiet along the front and there are no signs of any new neuroi massing, we ask all of you to maintain full combat readiness should the need arise. Understood?"

"Yes ma'am," the witches said in unison. Minna then looked over at Mio and waited for any sign of affirmation to continue. Mio obliged and gave Minna a nod with a smile.

"With all operational matters aside, Major Sakomoto and I have the delight of reporting that the mail has just arrived for all of us," Minna said. She demeanor of the witches shifted from one of seriousness to one of exuberance.

Minna reached behind her podium and took out a large linen bag. She placed the bag upon the table, opened it up, and began to rummage inside. "Lets see here," she said. The other witches looked on with anticipation and curiosity. After a few seconds of feeling around, Minna pulled out two small black boxes with the red and black Karlsland flag on it. "Commander Barkhorn, Lieutenant Hartmann."

The two Karlsland witches stood up from their chairs as Minna walked over and placed one box in each witch's hands. Each one stood in a stone cold manner as Minna presented the boxes to each witch. "Your Swords and Oak Leaves have finally arrived."

"Javol!" Erica exclaimed. She opened the box slowly, revealing the golden oak leaves and crossed swords that were part of the Knight's Cross medals that each witch had received for their distinctive service to Karlsland. Their glistening golden sheen made Erica smile. "Danke, Minna."

"Bitte, Lieutenant Hartmann," Minna said. She smiled at the blonde witch and received another smile in return before she began to rummage in the bag again. After a few moments of searching her hand emerged from the bag holding a small white box with an attached envelope. The stamp on the envelope depicted the flag of Gallia.

"Lieutenant Closterman." Perrine walked up to Minna in a dignified manner and Minna presented the box in her hands. The Gallian witch gave Minna a Gallian salute and then went back to her seat. After opening the letter presented with the box and reading its contents, the Gallian witch opened the small white box up and gasped at what was inside. The other witches glanced over from their seat.

"Qu'est-ce c'est joli!" Perrine exclaimed. The other witches looked as Perrine removed a necklace of pearls from the box. Perrine held them straight out in the light for all to see, watching them with glee as they glistened in the sunlight reflected into the room by the windows. "I haven't such beautiful pearls in years!"

Yoshika and Lynette looked on in awe at the small white spheres that were banded together. Perrine held them in her hands while the two younger witches looked on. "Why, these would fetch a great price on the open market! The potential payout would go a long way toward the Gallian recovery efforts."

"Wow, Perrine-san," Yoshika said. She watched Perrine place the pearls back in the box. "You're so generous."

"Oh, Miyafuji," Perrine snickered. "A noble lady Gallia always devotes herself to her people first and foremost. Any acceptance of extravagant gifts in a time of crisis would be very uncouth of me."

"Oh, right," Yoshika sighed. She sat back in her seat next to Lynette as Minna continued to pass out the mail to the other witches. Yoshika looked on out the window until Minna placed a letter in her face.

"For you, Sergeant Miyafuji," Minna said.

"Arigato, Lieutenant Colonel Wilcke!" She bowed her head and earned a smile from Minna before the higher ranking witch walked on to pass out the mail. Yoshika looked down at the letter and took note of the sender of the letter. When she laid eyes on who the letter was addressed from she smiled and tore open the envelope. Lynette looked on as Yoshika pulled a lined piece of paper from the envelope and began to read it. Yoshika's smile stretched from ear to hear as she read the letter.

"Who's it from, Yoshika?" Lynette asked.

"Lynn-chan, its from my mother and grandmother!" Yoshika exclaimed. She scanned the letter slowly with eager eyes and an excited smile across her face. "I haven't heard from them in weeks!" Lynette looked on as Yoshika read the letter in excitement, not noticing Minna slide a package with her own name on it up to Lynette's seat at the table.

"What's this?" Lynette asked. Yoshika set her letter down and looked over at Lynette as she undid the twine on the parcel and opened up the attached envelope. Like Yoshika, she read over the letter with excitement as she learned it was sent to her from her mother, Minnie Bishop, and that the package was a new tea set and a box of exotic teas that her mother had collected for her. Lynette opened up the box to reveal a set of ornate blue and white china tea cups and saucers along with a matching blue and white tea kettle. Inside with the tea set was a box with various organized tea bags. Yoshika and Lynette spoke with glee about putting the tea set and the new teas to good use.

As the other witches continued to receive their gifts, Shirley and Francesca both remained relaxed. Shirley kept herself leaned back in her chair with her legs up on the table while Francesca continued to nap with her head resting on her hands. Shirley whistled herself a song as Minna continued to pass about the mail throughout the room, moving her feet left and right as her commanding officer moved about the room. She looked on as Eila Juulitanen received a new set of tarot cards, Mio was given a box containing more medals from the Empire of Fuso, and Minna gleefully revealed a set of three vinyl records from the bag. Shirley looked on with a smile at her fellow witches opening and marveling over their mail. Francesca continued to sleep.

"I got one more package here," Minna said. She reached into the bag and pulled out another twine wrapped parcel. As soon as she pulled it out, a peculiar odor graced Minna's nose. The odor was one that she had never smelled before, a pungent smell that brought to mind the scent of fresh cut grass mixed with blue cheese. Minna sniffed the package again and grimaced. The odor was far more pungent then what she initially imagined. "Ugh, Captain Yeager, I think this if for you?" She glanced at the package once more while covering her face and noticed that it was sent from New Hispania, a nation to the south of the United States of Liberion. Minna raised an eyebrow at the address of the sender. "I don't know what you had sent from New Hispania, Captain Yeager, but I think its spoiled," Minna remarked. She pinched her nostrils shut and held the package at arms length.

"Hmm?" Shirley glanced over her shoulder and looked at her commanding officer walking over with a disgusted look on her face. Shirley sniffed the air herself and smiled, reaching out to take the package as it neared closer to her eagerly took the parcel and smelled it again. The smell was exactly what she wanted to smell. It was a sign that what she had ordered from New Hispania had arrived. She turned her attention toward Francesca, who was still sleeping on the table.

"Hey, Lucchini," Shirley whispered. She tapped Francesca on the shoulder and watched the young Romagnan witch open up her eyes. "Get a whiff of what I got for us."

Francesca let out a groggy yawn and leaned over to sniffed the package. Her eyes burst open and she darted up from her seat. She reached for the package and went to open it up. Shirley ripped the package away from her and held it up in the air over her head. Francesca jumped up and down as Shirley held the package up over her head. The other witches looked on with curiosity as to what Francesca was jumping over. None of them were close enough to the package to notice the pungent odor emerging from the package.

"I'm so sorry," Shirley remarked. None of the other witches could see the smile on her face as she held her nose. "I think a friend in New Hispania sent me something to cook for us, but I guess it went bad in the package. I think I'll go throw it out now."

She looked down and winked her right eye at Francesca, trying to be as subtle as possible. Francesca bound over to Minna with her hand over her nose. "Minna, can I go with Shirley and throw out the spoiled package? Please? Please please please please please please!"

Minna held her hand over her face and waved her hand toward the direction of the briefing room door. "Aye aye, go ahead, Lucchini! Just get it out of here you two. Mach schnell!"

"Yes ma'am!" Shirley stated. The other witches looked on at Shirley, curious as to why she sounded so eager to throw out the contents of her package. None of them were given much time at the moment to ponder on the matter. Before they could even ask Shirley what was inside of the package or get a whiff of what was inside, Shirley and Francesca had burst out the door and slammed it behind them. Minna sighed and removed her fingers from her nose. The other witches looked on at their commanding officer with perplexed looks on their faces.

"As you were, witches. You're all dismissed."