There was no way that this could work. Dorian had known that from the beginning, but somehow he'd deluded himself, letting this all go on much too long. He'd wanted it too much, wanted to be at the Inquisitor's side so strongly that he'd let himself ignore the warning signs. But Dorian knew how these things went. It would all crash and burn eventually, he only hoped it wasn't too late to preserve the Inquisition's reputation.
He'd tried to be discrete from the beginning, but the rumors only grew more vicious and cruel the longer he and the Inquisitor were together. Numerous meetings with dignitaries had nearly been derailed by inappropriate questions, implications that the Inquisitor could quite literally be in bed with the enemy, as if Elden hadn't been standing against all this nonsense from the very beginning while these selfish and greedy nobles were too busy squabbling amongst themselves.
It was infuriating, watching all this happen and being unable to stop it. All he'd wanted to do was help, somehow ease at least a fraction of the weight on Elden's shoulders. But then, perhaps his motives had been more selfish than he'd wanted to realize, desiring to indulge in the effections Elden so willingly gave as if this sort of relationship was something Dorian could actually have. And in the end, he'd made everything so much worse, had threatened Elden's credibility and hindered the Inquisition's ability to aid those in need.
This had all gone on much too long. It was time to end things between himself and the Inquisitor.
That realization was a horrible weight in the pit of Dorian's stomach. His chest ached at the knowledge of what he had to do, but there was no denying that it was for the best. He told himself Elden would be fine, that he would have no trouble finding someone else to stand at his side. He was the Inquisitor after all, the Herald of Andraste. And there was no denying that Elden was easy to care about.
Knowing what he had to do didn't make it any easier, however. Elden obviously cared for him, had stated on more than one occasion that he was willing to risk the rumors. He was stubborn, had reassured Dorian at every turn despite everything. He'd probably continue to do so even as the Inquisition burned down around them. How was he supposed to make Elden see? Would he be forced to drive Elden way, to make him hate him? Could he do that?
Dorian had seen such tenderness and affection in Elden's eyes. He'd wanted nothing more than to drown in it, to fall into everything Elden offered because he knew he would catch him. The last thing he wanted was to see all of that gone, to see that overwhelming affection replaced with indifference or hatred. The thought alone left him cold, his gut twisting unpleasantly, but he knew that was nothing compared to what he was going to put Elden through if he didn't do this.
"We need to end this."
It was easy enough to steal a moment alone with the Inquisitor, finding him in his quarters working late as usual. He didn't want to draw this out, risk losing his nerve, but as soon as the words left him, when he saw the way Elden's face fell, he winced, hating himself for what he was doing to this man. He would rather die than ever hurt Elden, but he had to remind himself that a little pain now would save him from so much more in the future.
"What?" Elden asked in confusion as he stood, hesitantly approaching a few steps, stopping as if fearing he wasn't allowed to stand close to him any longer.
"It's obvious this isn't going anywhere," Dorian said, having a hard time looking Elden in the eye so instead he studied parts of the room as if uninterested in the conversation; a stack of books he'd accumulated next to the couch where they'd spend evenings studying together, the brandy they'd shared just a few days ago, Elden's laundry folded neatly in the corner even though someone would be by to clean it for him later. These memories and the emotions they stirred up weren't making any of this easier for him so he reluctantly looked back at Elden. "We both obviously want something different from this- relationship. I thought we could try it your way, that it would be fun, but to be honest it just isn't for me. You understand."
"I- I don't," Elden said and Dorian could hear the restrained emotions in his words. "Did I do something wrong? If we're moving too slow-"
"No, no, nothing like that," Dorian interrupted. He hadn't wanted Elden to blame himself, that was the last thing he'd wanted. "You took me by surprise, wanting to try out a proper relationship, but I gave it a go and I suppose I'm just not interested in that. With you. We've had our fun, and now I think it's time we moved on."
"This isn't about the rumors, is it?" Elden asked much too perceptively. "I know you're worried about them, but really-"
"It's not about that," Dorian interrupted more harshly than he'd meant, afraid that if Elden continued he might find a way through Dorian's armor. "You're a good man, but it isn't fair of me to lead you on. I don't want you to think I care more than I do. I'm afraid I'll never feel for you how you feel for me."
"Oh."
It all felt so unreal, honestly, almost dreamlike as if he was watching the scene unfold from elsewhere. He saw the pain and the confusion in Elden's eyes, wanted nothing more than to pull him close and hold him until he could smile again, but of course that could never happen. So he remained detached, holding onto whatever false flippancy he could muster.
"Well, now that that's out of the way, I suppose I should let you get back to work. Good night, Trevelyan."
Somehow, that was the worst of it. They'd been on a first-name basis for some time, except when Dorian insisted on using his title. Reverting to his surname seemed to crush Elden the most, as if everything, even their friendship, was being wiped away. And, honestly, if that made all of this easier, Dorian had no intention of reassuring him.
Thankfully the tavern was surprisingly empty and those patrons who were around seemed to sense that Dorian wished to be left alone because no one bothered him where he sat in a shadowed corner. He couldn't even bring himself to drink the pain away, simply staring at his mug of ale. He had brought this on himself as well as Elden, he deserved every ounce of pain.
He'd been such a fool, how could he do this yet again? Apparently he hadn't learned anything. He'd come south wanting to improve things for a change, to help people and make a difference. Instead, he did what he always did and fucked everything up.
He wanted to imagine Elden being angry with him the next time they met, to see him yell or perhaps even banish Dorian for playing with his feelings. He deserved no less after all. But of course that would never happen. The Inquisitor was much too kind. Knowing him, he'd probably act as if nothing happened, be disgustingly respectful of Dorian's decision and avoid pressuring him into a friendship or otherwise pushing his boundaries. And what was Dorian supposed to do? Act like nothing happened as well? It was infuriating. Why couldn't Elden lash out, protect himself instead of risking being taken advantage of?
His grip on the mug was much too tight as he stared down into it at his own reflection. He was angry with Elden, but really that was just to mask the disgust he felt for himself, wasn't it? Maybe he would get drunk after all. At least then he wouldn't have to worry about any of this. For now.
Before he could raise the mug to his lips, however, the door of the tavern banged open loudly. Dorian was planning on ignoring it as well as the bartender yelling at whoever it was for damaging property, but heavy footsteps stormed directly up to him.
"Dorian, I need to speak with you."
"Ah, Commander," Dorian said, barely sparing Cullen a glance. "What are you doing here at this hour?"
To his surprise, Cullen took the seat across from and Dorian finally saw the poorly concealed concern in his eyes. "The Inquisitor has gone missing."
"What?" Dorian asked, his mind refusing to believe what he was hearing. "How is that even possible?"
"He and a small party left this evening on a mission. They were planning on staying at the first waycamp, but the Inquisitor reportedly went to scout the perimeter and never came back."
"What about Leliana's scouts? Surely someone is out looking for him!" Dorian snapped, barely keeping his voice quiet, feeling angry and terrified and guilty all at once.
"They're out looking but haven't found anything yet, which is why we suspect someone perhaps found him and is concealing their tracks. Some of the others are going out to look for him. We thought you might want to accompany them as well."
So it seems Elden hadn't told anyone about their conversation. Dorian knew it wasn't his place any longer but, Maker, he needed to be in that search party. He'd never forgive himself if something happened to him. So he said nothing and simply nodded. The only thing that mattered was finding Elden and Dorian would tear the world apart if he had to.