My name is Phoebe Buffay.
I have a middle name, I think, but I don't know it. That's a long story, though; we won't get into that.
Anyway, I'm a bit of a psychic. They call me the puppet master. I know everything that's gonna happen. Here it is, from start to finish:
Now, Monica and Chandler are already married. That kickstarts things a bit. So first, they'll break up. I'll marry Chandler 'cause he's filthy rich… giggle. Joey will marry Rachel and have lots of kids, even though she has a drinking problem. Then, Joey and I leave and get married. We've got Chandler's money and Rachel's kids. That's our happy ending.
Oh, and I kill Ross. And that's where this story starts…
"Come on, Joey, get the kids together. Quick, before Rachel gets home!"
"I'm trying!" Joey, holding his daughter Annabel's hand tightly in his, was chasing his son Emmett around the couch.
Phoebe twirled her hair nervously, looking around. Her diamond bracelet- bought with her darling husband Chandler's money, which was now her money- clanged against her huge earrings.
"Come on, Joey! We don't have much time!" she exclaimed.
Joey finally managed to grab Emmett's hand. He hoisted the two children up into his arms, as Phoebe struggled with all of the luggage. "Ready!"
They made a mad dash for the door. However, just as Joey reached for the doorknob, it opened, revealing Ross.
He looked surprised. "Oh… hi, guys. Where are you going? Where are Rachel and Chandler?"
Joey and Phoebe exchanged an alarmed glance. "Um… to the store?" tried Phoebe.
Ross's eyes travelled toward the luggage in her arms, and to Annabel and Emmett in Joey's. "…Wait a minute. You're… You're running away together! And taking the kids!?"
"We're making a life for ourself." said Joey proudly.
"You can't do that!" exclaimed Ross. "Phoebe, what about Chandler? And Joey! Rachel's their mother!"
"Mommy drinks a lot." piped up Emmett. "Aunt Phoebe can be my new mommy!"
"That's my boy!" Phoebe laughed.
Ross's jaw dropped. "Guys, I can't… I just can't let you do this!"
Phoebe glanced at Joey. "Joe, take the kids outside. I have a plan."
"Okay." Joey pushed past Ross, and shut the door behind him. Immediately Phoebe lashed out and slammed her suitcase into Ross's face.
The palaeontologist crumpled to the ground. Phoebe put down the luggage to check his vital signs.
"Darn it." she muttered. Undaunted, she pulled off one of her shoes and stabbed him repeatedly with the heel until crimson blossomed across his tweed jacket like poppies blooming in a field of daisies.
"That should do it." Phoebe said. She wiped her heel on Ross's jacket, and put it back on, smiling dazedly as if nothing had happened.
Joey was waiting in the hallway with the kids in his arms. "What happened in there?" he questioned. "Is Ross gonna tell Chandler and Rachel what we're doing?"
"I don't think that'll happen." Phoebe laughed a bit.
Joey grinned. "Awesome!" He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. However, before they could continue, a voice rang out from in front of them.
"Dude, what are you doing with my wife?"
They both looked over. It was Chandler, looking shocked and a bit angry as he watched Joey quickly pull away from Phoebe.
"Another witness." hissed Phoebe. "Uh, I mean, hi honey."
Chandler looked from Phoebe to Joey, suspicion shadowing his expression. "Wait. What's going on here?"
Before either of them could explain, Phoebe threw the luggage aside, pulled off her shoe, and ran toward Chandler. Just as the stiletto tip was about to plunge into his chest, Joey yelled, "Phoebe, stop!"
Phoebe stopped dead, and turned around. Chandler, who had been cringing with his arms wrapped protectively around his head, lowered his arms slowly, looking traumatized.
"Take Annabel and Emmett downstairs." Joey told the blonde. "I want to talk to Chandler."
Phoebe nodded. She gathered the luggage back in her arms, and the kids followed her away.
"Wh-What the… what the hell!" Chandler was breathing quickly, looking terrified. "Did you just… did you see… She tried to kill me!"
"Calm down, Chandler." Joey went over to his ex-roommate and wrapped his arms reassuringly around him.
After a few moments, Chandler stopped shaking so badly. He took a deep breath. "…Joey, what was… What was that all about?"
"Phoebe and I are leaving." Joey admitted.
"But… she's my wife." Chandler looked hurt.
"Come on. She married you for your money, dude. You know that."
Chandler nodded. "…I know. But after Monica and I broke up… And… after it didn't work out between you and I…"
You and I. Those words sent a dagger into Joey's heart, sending images of a much younger him staring at a much younger Chandler into his brain. Images of him dreaming of his old roommate, wanting him… wishing that Chandler felt the same…
Not again. Never again. Joey was over that, and this time, he could say it for sure.
"Chandler." Joey said, gripping his friend by the shoulders. "I'm sorry about Phoebe. I really am. But… I wasn't gonna wait around for you forever."
Chandler looked sad. He looked like he was about to cry- Joey didn't blame him. After the shock of almost getting murdered by your wife, it wouldn't be surprising.
"Will we stay in touch?" asked Chandler. His voice was strangled with emotion; like a rope held taut.
"Of course." Joey replied. He smiled, and so did Chandler.
"I'll never forget you." Chandler murmured. He leaned his head forward, and so did Joey, so their foreheads were touching.
"I'll never forget you either." Joey laughed. "I loved you, you know, Chandler."
"I know that." Chandler sighed. His breath was as shaky as his hands. "If… if only I'd known in time."
"Don't blame yourself." Joey whispered, only loud enough for Chandler to hear. Then he straightened up, and planted a kiss on Chandler's forehead before walking away after Phoebe.
Chandler just stood there, still feeling the touch of Joey's lips in his mind, wondering what it was about him that made all of his relationships fade like ice on a summer day.
They found Ross's body later that day, when Rachel went home, LCBO bags in hand. But by then, Joey and Phoebe were long gone.
Chandler was still in the hallway when she arrived. He was still crying. Rachel said nothing, but offered him a drink.
They spent the rest of the night together, as drunk as the day is long.
Monica was at home, with her and Chandler's kids, although technically, they were just her kids now. She didn't think about Chandler much. She didn't think of Phoebe much, either. When they called about Ross, she cried. She wished she had someone there… anyone. But she didn't. She knew she didn't.
So she watched the children, tears hot against her cheeks.
My name is Phoebe Buffay.
I have a middle name, I think. But that's not important.
The price of my happy ending came at the cost of Ross, Chandler, Rachel, and Monica's. And for that I'm sorry.
But not all things in life are free.
And not everyone ends up happy.
Perhaps if I weren't the puppet master… if I hadn't created this ending for Joey and I… everything would be how it should be.
I'll never know.
I'm sorry.
end