"ARCHER WHY!?" Cyril shouted as Archer walks up to him with a strange glowing liquid that was being held in a test tube. He, Archer and Ray was standing in what appeared to be a parking lot with red lights blinking everywhere. Archer was holding Ray over his shoulder with one arm.
"Don't blame me! Blame Mic. Paralyzed legs here for falling down a ladder and tripping the alarm!" Archer shouted.
"Me!? You were supposed to be holding the ladder!" Ray shouted.
"Well I am sorry Ray, but you should have brought gum so I wouldn't have had those drinks from earlier! You know how cheap liquor goes right throw me!?" Archer shouted.
"That is the worst excuses ever…" Cyril muttered.
"Can we just get in the car!?" Archer shouted at the two. Doing as told, Cyril gets into the passenger seat as Archer Throws Ray in the back. Starting the engine, he drives his birthday spy car out of the parking lot and onto the streets. Once there, Cyril looks at the tube Archer handed to him.
"What is this?" Cyril asked.
"I don't know, something Krieger and mother wanted." Archer said.
"Really?" Cyril asked.
"Yes really! God Cyril, would you shut up and let me drive!" Archer shouted at the male. The older male just rolled his eyes at the man's comments.
"So…" Ray started, breaking the silence in the car. "Where is Lana?"
"Babysitting." Cyril responded. "Malory didn't want to babysit, or Lana didn't trust her…nor did I so she is stuck at home with A.J."
"Wait, she wanted to you to babysit!?" Archer asked in a mocking tone of voice.
"Yes Archer, because compare to you, I am sober at some points in my life." Cyril said.
"Yea, and your lame."
"At least I am a good person!" Cyril shouted.
"Yea, that's because you have no pride or dignity left. Why do you think Lana chose my sperm instead of yours." Archer shouted before bursting into laughter.
"Below the belt man." Ray muttered.
"You know what, stop the car!" Cyril shouted. Doing as told, for once in his life, he stops the car for Cyril. The glasses wearing male climbs out of the car. He then slams it shut before walking towards the edge of the road that would eventually lead to a light-filled town.
"Where you going shit-nuts!?" Archer shouted.
"I QUIT!" Cyril shouted at Archer.
"Oh my god, don't do a Lana." Archer said before giggling. "Lana…do…Ha!"
"Archer, below the belt." Ray said as Cyril turns around and looks at Archer.
"I am tired of this, you and the stupid organization! And I have had it with Lana the most!"
"Lana?" Archer asked as he gets out of his car. "What about Lana?"
"Everything!" Cyril shouted as he walks up to Archer. "I love Lana with all my heart. But when I found out that she hooked up with me as a rebound from you, I was heartbroken and she didn't even care! Yes, I cheated on her, but you know what, I was hurt! I come to accept the fact that I am an asshole! I can accept the fact that I need help with my addiction and unlike most of our group, I am getting help! But what I cannot stand, is knowing that she not only knocked herself up with your kid, is that she has the undying nerve to continue to pursue a relationship knowing that you will eventually cheat on her with some big-boobed skank! That is why I hate Lana, she is too stupid for her own good. She will always try to have you, even though you will never commit to her or A.J."
And with that, the night ended with Archer beating Cyril fast in with the tube that he had stolen from the unknown Lab. He kept bashing Cyril's face in until the vile broke, he then shoves the broken glass down Cyril's throat. It was then Ray crawled out the car and had to shoot in the air to snap Archer from his violent phase.
"Oh shit…" Archer said as he looks down at the tube in Cyril's mouth. "Mother's going to be pissed."
"CYRIL!" Ray shouted.
"Oh yeah, him too!" Archer said before grabbing Cyril by his leg, making his face scrap the rocky floor as he drags him to the car. "I bet Krieger can fix him."
Archer said before ramming the male into the back of the car with Ray in it. His face was bleeding from many cuts on his face. Archer had beaten him so badly this time that his face wasn't even recognizable. Ray tries to remove the tube from Cyril's throat, only to have ripped some tissue off his body.
"Oh shit…" Ray muttered.
(The next day)
"Oh my god Archer! What did you do!?" Lana shouted as she enters Malory office, not caring much for Cheryl screaming voice from outside.
"Nothing, just Cyril might be…different." Archer says before taking a sip of his bourbon, trying to avoid eye contact with Archer. His blue eyes slowly made their way to his mother. The older woman sighed in annoyance.
"Archer you beat him to a bleeding pulp! What is wrong with you!?" Lana shouted.
"Hey, did he hear the things he said to me that night?" Archer asked. "He called you stupid."
"Yes Archer, I heard, and frankly, I don't care! Cyril has been telling me that crap for a while, he also says sorry the next day after he calms down! We all know he doesn't mean any of the things he says." Lana shouted.
"Please!" Archer chuckled.
"She's right, he called me bat-shit crazy once and apologies the next day." Malory said.
"Well…he shouldn't have said it to me." Archer muttered as if his feelings were hurt.
"What!?" Lana shouted in disbelief. "Archer, you are the most heartless person I ever met! And because of you, Cyril might die!"
"Aw come on Lana, would it really be a loss if we lose Cyril?"
"But!" Lana shouted in shock.
"And if we get the chemical liquid out of his body before it seeps into his blood. We will finally get the FBI off our tales."
"BUT CYRIL!?" Lana shouted.
"Oh who cares?" Malory said before turning her attention to the work on her desk. Lana stared wide-eyed at the two before making a sigh of annoyance.
"You know what Archer, one of these day's, Karma will come knocking at your door. And when that happens, I hope you're ready for her wrath." Lana said before turning around to walk out the room. Archer leans his head back and chuckles. If only he had listened to his words. The next day when he returned to ISIS, he was greeted by something he didn't expect to see, Krieger holding Cyril's suite…a covered in blood-suit. Like, dripping to the floor blood-suit.
"Oh no…" Archer said before walking over to the scientist/madman. "What happened?"
"To the serum, I got it. There was a little leakage, but I was able to remove it from Cyril's stomach and give it to Malory." Krieger said.
"No, what happened to Cyril you mad-man!?"
"What do you mean?" Krieger asked, trying to avoid eye contact.
"Why are you holding his suite that is covered in blood! Where is he Krieger?" Archer shouted in his half-ass pissed off voice.
"Wow, didn't think you cared." Krieger responded. "She's in your mother's office."
"Oh thank…wait, did you say she?" Archer asked.
"Yep, the surgery didn't go as plan." Krieger said. "I think you should go see for yourself."
"Oh my god, please tell me its an older fatter self-hating version of Pam! This should be nice!" Archer said with a step in his walk as he heads towards his mother's office. What he saw though…it surprised him. A full figured woman with long legs that were exposed. She wore a mini black pencil skirt that went a few inches below her thighs, a white button-up blouse that exposed her full big chest that was under a black vest. On her feet was black pump heels, she had a black bracelet and wore black glasses. What got to Archer was her hair, it was long and pitch black with a single white bang.
"Why hello there?" Archer said as he examines the woman in the room. Turning her head in his direction, her expression turns to hate before she walked over to Archer and kicked him straight in the crotch. Lana, who was in the room the whole time, walks over to Archer and said:
"Archer, meet Karma." Lana said. After a few minutes of whining and crying, Archer finally receives the strength he needs to sit down on the chair in front of his mother's desk. With a glass of Vodka in hand, he looks over to the glasses wearing woman to ask:
"So…who are you?" Archer asked, making all three of the females in the room mutter words of annoyance.
"It's Cyril!" Lana said, making Archer spit out his liquor.
"Oh my god, Cyril what happened!? And why haven't we done this is the past…" Archer begins to chuckle. "You are so much better to look at now…"
"Thanks to your asinine, Krieger had to change me into the woman or else the…what ever would have killed me!?" Cyril shouted. This made Archer burst out into laughter. Making Lana roll her eye's at the laughing man. She then turns her attention to Cyril.
"So…" Lana started. "What now?"
"What now?" Cyril asked. "WHAT NOW!? Lana look at me! I have boobs and a vagina!"
"It won't be that bad." Lana said.
"Not that bad, look at me! Lana I am scared to move because I don't know how to walk in these heels! Why did you get me heels anyway!?"
"It was in my price range."
"What in the porn shop across the street!?" She shouted, making Lana gasp. Cyril angry expression turns gently.
"I'm sorry. Krieger said he had to inject a bunch of harmonies into me. Now one second I am happy the next I am upset to the point I want to kill someone."
"Get use to them then." Lana said, making Archer laugh even louder.
"Oh my god, I wish I had my phone. I want to make a before and after picture, use it as the meme of the day." Archer said. This caused Cyril to walk over to Archer and kick the chair he was sitting in backward. Causing the handsome spy to fall down as well.
"UGH! WHAT THE SHIT!?"
"This is your fault!" Cyril shouted. "I can't have kids because of you!"
"Actually you can from what Krieger said..." Lana said.
"Not like that Lana!" Cyril shouted.
"Hey if you want some kids, I could do a couple of shots and we can go right at it." Archer said. He was still laying on the ground when he said this.
"I rather blow Ray." Cyril growled. Her attention then goes to Malory. "I am taking the rest of the day off to buy new clothes. So, I will see you tomorrow!"
"Need my help?" Lana asked.
"OBVIOUSLY!" Cyril shouted, making Lana roll her eyes.
"This is a change, he…she needs help." Lana muttered to herself before leaving Malory's office. Archer, who was still on the ground, looks to the side and ask:
"So…are we still not phrasing?"