Author's Note: Don't question it. I wrote this at one in the morning and refuse to edit it. Enjoy it if you can. If not, I'm sorry.
Summary: In which Hashirama and Madara smoke a plant and confuse Tobirama for a hooker.
"You're a fucking idiot."
Hashirama frowned. "That hurts, Madara, it really hurts."
Madara narrowed his eyes at the Senju leader and crossed his arms. He couldn't believe that Hashirama was attempting to smoke a plant. It was the most ridiculous thing he'd seen aside from Tobirama and, in his wise opinion, Tobirama was pretty damn ridiculous.
"You're attempting to smoke a plant. Why wouldn't I question you?" Madara raised an eyebrow while Hashirama held out the leaf in a silent plea. "Oh hell no. I'm not lighting that thing for you. Go find your own fire."
"But Madara!" he whined, "I could be on the verge of discovering a good medical purpose for these leaves! Don't you see? The color and structure of the veins indicate that this particular type of leaf may be the key to opening up new chakra points in the body!"
The Uchiha sighed. "You expect me to believe that? You're going to smoke the fucking leaf, Hashirama."
Hashirama pouted at him and dejectedly lowered the leaf.
"Fine! Fucking fine! I'll light the stupid leaf!"
Tobirama was pissed. Yes, he was very pissed. Of course, if one knew him very well, they would already know why he was pissed. The reason he was pissed could be summed up to one name: Madara. Madara was the reason why his brother was too preoccupied to handle some very serious matters in the village now.
"Brother! I am tired of you slacking off!" Tobirama yelled as he stalked down the hallway, headed straight for the Hokage's office. "Now, you listen to me and get the fu-"
His eyes widened in shock. Right there in front of him, Madara and Hashirama were sitting on the floor together, inhaling the smoke from a burning leaf.
"...eheh. Good stuff, Hashi."
Tobirama's eye twitched and his hands clenched up into fists. "You two! What are you two doing?!"
Hashirama and Madara slowly turned around to face Tobirama. Hashirama casually set the burning leaf on the wooden floor, prompting Tobirama to quickly douse the flame with a spritz of water. This caused Madara to giggle.
"Wet. He made it...wet."
Hashirama snorted and felt around for the leaf. Once he found it, he raised it up to Tobirama. "Hey babe...you should try it. Like, it's really good."
"...big brother, I am so disappointed in you. And don't call me 'babe'. That's creepy." Tobirama glared at the two and crossed his arms.
"But you called me 'big brother'. I think someone has a brother fetish~" Hashirama teased and started to stand up. "We should hook up if you get what I mean. No one has to know~ I'll pay you nicely too."
Madara nodded. "We'll split the cost."
Tobirama sighed and turned around, slamming the door behind him.
"I hate them both."