Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters. Joss Whedon and others do. How many creative ways can I say this? Apparently not many.

A/N: In my defense, Buffy does have a penchant for vampires on the show. So, uh, oh I'm bad.

The Actual Diary of Buffy Summers

Day 1

Got chosen to "lay vampires" today. Seems kind of strange, but old guy says I have to. Also got super-strength bonus! Very helpful as now have perfect figure and muscle tone with no annoying effort.

Day 2

Vampires are hot!

Day 3

Mirrors have taken on a whole new meaning.

Day 4

Installed full-length mirror over bed.

Day 12

Old guy died. Huh. Otherwise good day. Found the best shirt ever at the mall that just totally brings out the color in my face. Am so freaking sexy.

Day 13

Good news: met kinky vampire

Bad news: burned down school gym.

Day 18

Mom says we have to leave LA. Something about her and dad splitting up, I wasn't really listening. Great. Now I have like thirty vamp pen pals to keep in touch with.

Day 24

Met another old guy. This one British, so at least has excuse for being so stodgy. And, turns out I'm supposed to SLAY vampires! Oops! Plus side: no longer have to keep writing blasted letters. And makes whole "watching" thing less creepy.

Day 25

It's really hard to break old habits.

Day 26

Met super hot vampire. Calls himself "Angel", which is like, who are you trying to fool? Also met living people Willow and Xander. Maybe I should try hanging out with non-undead for a change? Though Xander keeps hitting on me. So tedious as he is obviously not my type.

Day 27

Have had to stage vamp fights so Giles will stop whining about how "there are more vampires here than before" and "Sunnydale's death rate keeps climbing". Is it my fault if my reputation got out? Well, maybe a little.

Day 28

Met vampire dominatrix. Likes to be called "Master" and is like, impossible to get out of his dungeon. I asked what kind of skin cream he's using. He said aloe. Aloe my foot. No vampire should have those wrinkles.

Day 29

Girl's mom possessed her today. Makes me grateful own mom so dense she wouldn't notice if giant truck of bricks crashed through living room window. Come to think, she did notice that.

Day 30

Angel keeps wanting to talk about "his feelings". Annoying. But at least he doesn't have that creepy neck fetish most vamps have. Still seeing Master on side.

Later

Found out Xander's a virgin! Ha ha!

Day 31

Tried dating a living guy. So not worth it. He almost died during sex.

Day 32

Willow did it with demon she met online. Maybe internet dating not so bad.

Day 33

Xander into some freaky hyena action. Turns out, sex with living not bad if they have super-strength and bloodlust. Heart beat still an issue tho.

Day 34

Angel told me he was a vampire like it was a big deal. Beginning to suspect he's not that bright. Also complained about a bowl some gypsies had given him. Don't see big deal. Return the freaking bowl!

Day 35

Puppets are creepy. Even when fighting on behalf of humanity. Maybe especially then.

Day 36

Everyone kept having bad dreams and acting them out for me. Why? Good news: played out secret fantasy with Master.

Day 37

Did it with invisible demon. Turns out she was a girl and not a demon. Note to self: only date visible people. Still got tied up tho so good.

Day 40

Master got way too clingy. Major break-up fight. He drowned me, I threw him through a window and then he accidentally landed on a stick and died. Honestly. Men are such drama queens. Also, turns out vamps explode into dust when they die. Should I know this?