"The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief 's terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss. At times, people in grief will often report more stages. Just remember your grief is an unique as you are."
Denial is the first of the five stages of grief. It helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature's way of letting in only as much as we can handle. As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
-On Grief and Grieving
"Your trauma patient from last night is in the ICU." The nurse whispered to the doctor. Juliette peered in, trying to get any more info. She had the feeling...
"I'm sorry to have to cut this short, but I have to go." The doctor said, getting out of her chair and rushing out of the room, down the hall, to try and save a life.
Juliette felt her heart drop in her stomach. Rayna. Her hero. Her hero was dying. She turned to her husband, who didn't seem to have caught onto the drift.
"She's talking about Rayna."
Juliette had never run so fast (well, hobbled) in her life. These damn crutches were too damn slow. She needed to get there. She needed to.
"Juliette... stop going so fast!" Avery chased after her. Juliette growled. "Here, take these." She said, thrusting her crutches at her husband.
Her husband didn't understand. He didn't know Rayna like Juliette had.
Juliette's heart broke the moment she stood in the doorway. Everyone she knew was standing in there, looking sadly at the physical vestige of the one and only country queen. She was gone. Her body was still there, beeping to the sound of the machines, but she, herself, was gone.
Juliette numbly made her way to Deacon, giving him a hug. "How is she?" She asked, even though she pretty much knew the answer.
"It's not good." He let out.
Juliette felt the sudden urge to do it. She had to do it. She broke out of Deacon's hold, and hobbled to the other side of the bed. She ignored their protests as she removed the hair from Rayna's face, bending down to give her a kiss on the forehead.
"All I ever wanted was for you to be proud of me." She whispered.
Rayna was dead.
Rayna Jaymes, the woman Juliette Barnes had looked up to for her whole life, in her sparkly dresses, skinny jeans, and cowboy boots, was dead. Gone. Passed away. Never again to be seen breathing. Laughing. Smiling.
Singing.
Sometime after they all had left, the little line that was supposed to match her heartbeat turned into a straight one, followed by a long beep.
As much as Juliette tried to deny it, she loved that woman. She was the most put together, accomplished, and caring person she had ever met.
Juliette wished she was her.
At least, she used to.
Hell, she was her for a short while after that plane crash.
But for some reason, she came back.
Juliette had been in a near death accident too. But for some odd reason, almighty God had decided she was good enough. If Juliette got a second chance, then why didn't Rayna?
Maybe they had used all their luck. The whole lot of them. Rayna and Deacon's car crash, Deacon's cancer, her plane crash... it all added up, didn't it?
The first time they had met, Juliette had been in absolute shock. Through her whole fucked up childhood, Rayna had been there for her. She was the reason Juliette had become a singer.
Maybe she wasn't dead. Maybe it was just all a big nightmare- a sick, fucked up nightmare- and she would wake up and Rayna would be sitting in that Highway 65 Office in her fancy chair or standing in her kitchen with her girls.
Her girls.
Her now motherless girls.
She didn't know how to function. Realistically, she knew that Rayna was only someone she got to see every once in a while these days. She has a record label, a thank god still surviving marriage...
Correction: she had those things.
Juliette felt shock, sadness, and above all that, guilt. She had treated Rayna like crap since the moment they had met.
"My mama used to listen to you when I was in her belly."
Seriously? Is that the way you greet country royalty? No. Not at all. No wonder she thought I was a damn bitch. But somehow, after that point, Rayna had taken a liking to her. She cared. She cared. She cared when it seemed like no one else did.
"I wasn't good enough."
"You're good enough."
She was there for Juliette through everything. When her mother died, when she needed a label, when she was pregnant, and after that too. She flew across the country to see if Juliette had been okay.
"I think you're the only one who understands this."
What had Juliette done? Turned her away.
"You break my heart, girl."
But after that, Juliette had had a revelation. Yes, it took her a hell of a long time to get there. Rayna was pissed at her for taking Maddie onto that stage and starting a whole legal war (even though Rayna claimed it was not her fault and that she did not blame her). But slowly they made back to their old ways. Friends. Frenemies. Whatever you wanted to call them. All she knew was that if Rayna needed her, she would do a hell of a job to get there, and Rayna would no doubt do the same.
"We're going to do what you said. We are going to get up on that stage and kick ass. And I'm going to have your back like you had mine."
"I'm here for you." Rayna had said when she had oh so recently gotten herself almost killed when she fell out of the sky.
"I know." Juliette had responded, feeling hopeless, but hearing Rayna tell her she could get out of the chair was probably the thing that had her up and about.
It was certainly the thing that had her off the crutches.
She had walked for Rayna.
She attended the funeral, the same people who were at the hospital plus a few notable others who had not been able to make it there in time. She watched as they slowly lowered her six feet under.
'It could have been me', the voice in her head argued.' It could have been me being lowered into the ground after that plane crash...'
The rain came down over them. Juliette took a deep breath in, looking at all the trees around them. She stopped, looking at the birds flock out of the trees and into the sky... flying away.
Yeah, Rayna was there alright, watching over them.
Maybe she was proud after all.
Juliette felt sick. There was no way she should be the one to sing Rayna's tribute. Don't get her wrong, she was definitely closer to Rayna than Faith Hill would ever be, but there was definitely someone else who could do it more justice.
Maddie walked into the dressing room. She looked miserable. Not that Juliette expected anything more.
"I want you to sing the song." She declared, looking at the distraught teenager.
"What? You're singing it! My mother would love that!" Maddie rolled her eyes. She was not in the mood for any public appearances. She had been a bitch, and her mother had died.
"No she wouldn't!" Juliette laughed in response. "It would definitely mean a hell of a lot more if it came from you."
"Okay." Maddie eventually agreed.
"When I was a little girl in the trailer park, I heard the sweet sound of Rayna's voice for the very first time. I wanted to be just like her. I am so, so thankful for the time we had together. And now, to sing this tribute to Rayna, I give you, Rayna's daughter, Maddie Conrad."
Juliette hugged her, before making her way into the wing.
Maddie started and broke down after seeing the picture of her and her mother. It was gut wrenching to watch. Maybe putting Maddie out there was not the greatest idea. She was prepared to go out there and comfort her when Deacon and Daphne also came up to the stage.
And they finished the song.
Juliette smiled, looking at the picture of the two of them blown up on the screen. It was indeed the Wrong Song. They could have written so many songs together. So many songs. Juliette was sad that Rayna would never see Cadence grow up. She had, although never admitting it, wanted Rayna to be her godmother and Deacon to be her godfather. In all of her holy revelation, it was what she had wanted to do.
But never got to.
'I hope you're watching this Rayna.' She thought, smiling at the pictures of her blown up on the screen. She believed it with all of her being that Rayna was there tonight. She was.
She knew it.
Juliette made her way back to the dressing room, collapsing herself into the couch. She lazily threw off her heals. She looked up at the poster she had just put up.
Her and Rayna singing the Wrong Song.
It was going to stay there as long as she could manage. And there would be a picture of her on the mantel at home if she could manage it. She would get her own bejeweled rosary and candle! Juliette smiled at the thought. Maybe she could get little cowboy boots to go with it!
"I was proud of you, you know."
Juliette looked up, and her heart stopped.
Right in front of her was none other than the Queen of Country, wearing all white. Her beautiful flowing locks shined under the lights, waving down the mid length of her back. She was dressed in a long, flowing white dress. Her smile radiated the room.
Like an angel.
"You've changed so much. And I'm not just saying that because there is a halo floating above my head. I'm so proud of you. I can't wait to see what you do with this gospel album. It's going to be your greatest album yet. And think of how good it will be for Highway 65!" Rayna smiled, looking down at Juliette, whose mouth had dropped open.
"You're here...?" Juliette let out, staring at her. "Are you real? Am I under the influence? Because listen to me, I have not touched a drink or pill-"
"Juliette." Rayna growled, cutting her off. "We don't have much time. I just, I heard you when you said all you wanted was for me to be proud. Sorry for the delayed response, by the way. I am really really proud. You are going to do great things. And you are going to be a terrific mother. And you're going to be there for Deacon, and you are going to be the big sister to my girls that they need right now."
"If I'm the girls' big sister, wouldn't that make me-"
"My daughter." Rayna smiled. "Yeah. You practically were! I had to chase you around all the time and make sure you didn't do anything stupid!" Her smiled faded. "I'm sorry we didn't get to spend more time together. We would have written another couple of number one hits."
Juliette smiled. "Yeah... those girls need you. I need you."
"I'll always be here, whether or not you can see me. Just, um, dedicate your gospel album to me! Haha! You could call it, "The Jesus Songs, a tribute to the Queen of Country."
Juliette laughed, then sighed. "I'm gonna miss having you to keep me in line."
"Don't worry. I'll still keep you in line. I got more power than you think! Over here, on the other side! Hello from the other side!" Rayna sang, surprisingly more in tune than usual.
"Sure you do." Juliette said, the smile on her face still apparent.
"I'm afraid my time is up. Do good, Juliette." Rayna said, before turning around and walked through the wall, her white light fading as she took her steps.
"Bye Rayna..." Juliette whispered.
...bye mom...
Juliette kissing her when she was dying was the part that had me in tears. Their relationship was the best one of the show! There was so much left unsaid between them. They practically were mother and daughter. They won't get to sing together ever again...
I am doing one character per chapter... Scarlett, Daphne, Maddie, and then Deacon. They all get to have their last words with Rayna, and then maybe the story will have an epilogue. So in total, five or six parts.
Yes I know I am not using exact quotes from the show but I'm too lazy so I will just paraphrase them.
I do not own Nashville or CMT, because if I did I would have hit Connie Britton on the head and screamed 'don't you dare leave me!'