i.
On Tuesday, Haruno Sakura turned seven years old.
On Wednesday, Sakura woke up in her bed with an insane craving for something distinctly alcoholic. Her mother, Mebuki, entered with a super bright smile and cheerfully asked what Sakura wanted for breakfast that morning.
Big green eyes looked at Mebuki, looked at the bedroom, looked down at herself, and whispered, "Fuck me sideways."
"Sakura-chan?!" Mebuki gasped, gobsmacked that her cute daughter had uttered something so vulgar.
And then Sakura's little stomach grumbled.
Truth to be told, it felt like her stomach was going to devour the rest of her body.
So first things first - get decent, get some grub, find a quiet and empty spot and THEN freak out about the gravity of the situation at hand.
.
.
"Tsunade-chan, I must say that I am pleasantly surprised to see you in the village after sending me that letter which said you'd 'never step foot within Konoha ever again'." Sarutobi Hiruzen sat back in his chair and gazed at the curvy blonde standing in front of his desk. He casually continued, "It's been so long since we've spoken face to face... would you care to humor your old sensei and remind me what were the first words I told you when we first met?"
Tsunade rolled her eyes. "We met 'for the first time' three separate times; that's when grandma introduced us, when your wife introduced us, and when you became my jounin sensei. And I told you the same thing every time. 'Sensei, what is it with you and younger girls?'"
"And I told you, I don't have a thing for younger girls!" protested the God of Shinobi automatically. "I just like talking to them, that's all!"
"So. While we're 'reminiscing', why don't we talk about how during that one mission, you paid a cleaning lady over one hundred thousand ryo to suck the poison out of your inner thigh?" This statement was punctuated with the sudden destruction of the wooden chair in front of Hiruzen's desk, courtesy of a finger poke.
"Enough! You have proven your identity, so please stop talking about that. You promised never to mention it again! And please don't take out your impatience over the office furniture. We both know that every time you do this, I end up paying for replacements out of my own pocket." Hiruzen sighed, reaching for his pipe. Why is it, after so many years, his female student still had the impulse control of a seven year old? That went for Jiraiya, as well. How could he possibly retire in peace when they refused to take responsibility for Konoha and continued to wander about the countryside causing mischief and therefore bringing more paperwork to his desk?
"Now that we've reached an understanding... you might want to kick out your ANBU guards, Sarutobi-sensei. I have something really crazy to tell you."
Once the office was secured, and Tsunade was absolutely sure that she was alone with her old teacher, she dropped her perfect henge.
With a quick puff of smoke, the beautiful blonde was replaced with a little girl with pink hair.
Hiruzen's eyes narrowed. "What in the Shodai's name-"
"Bottom line is, my apprentice was supposed to travel back in time," Tsunade piped up. Even as a seven year old there was something very commanding and imposing about her. She crossed her little arms over her chest. "But shit happened, and I've arrived in her place."
A/N: Seriously people. Start writing Tsunade time travel fanfiction! You've already brought us a Jiraiya one and an Orochimaru one! Think about the possibilities Tsunade could have in the past! Think of all the people she can beat up! Think of the character interactions!