Rain beat against the window as lighting flashed. How could you? The words flashed through my head over and over again. How could you just leave me behind? An empty feeling welled up inside of me, twisting my stomach into a sick knot. The feeling lashed throughout my chest and tore violently through my throat. How could you?
My nails dug into the wood of the window ceil I was sitting on. How could you? I forced myself away from the window and crossed the darkened room. The phone rang. I turned it over and looked at the caller I.D. "Kirkland, Arthur" was sprawled across the glowing screen.
That pain in my stomach wrenched deeper into my chest as I answered "Hey'Ya bloody Brit" in the most cheerful tone I could force up from the back of my throat. I didn't want him to hear my pain. He was out having fun.
"Hello Alfred, I was just calling to let you know I'll be staying the weekend with Ludwig, I didn't want you to worry. I love you baby" his voice was calm as words left his lips. I could hear the German man laughing loudly in the background. My heart skipped a beat "Oh" I said in a casual tone "I guess I'll see you Sunday then…."
"Yes, I just didn't want him to be alone on Easter is all, you know I love you Alfred"
I felt a lump form in my throat "I…I know….I love you to" I clicked the end button and sat down on the couch. My heart raced. It wasn't normally like me to hurt so much over him being gone. In fact it wasn't like me to care much when he left….but doesn't he understand that in making it so Ludwig wouldn't be alone he's left me alone?
I'm alone. The words settled into the room filling the air with a poison that cut me to the quick. That German asshole had in the past….pulled my green eyed lover from my grasp. To this day the memory of the pain I felt the night I found out my Arthur was leaving me for the blue eyed German haunts my every thought.
Flashback
My heart kicked against my chest as rage flew through me. "That bitch, that bitch" I couldn't believe that there wasn't something wrong with me as my beloved had told me. I refused to believe that he'd left me for no reason. That he'd just fallen for someone else. It made no sense. If I wasn't lacking something my lover needed I'd still be holding him now.
I looked up into the mirror. My eyes were pure blue. My skin was pale and my eyes bared dark rings that told the exact hours that I'd slept that past week. My hair was dirty blonde. I bit my lip as I scoffed at my appearance. "I'm ugly" I hissed at my reflection. My eyes shifted to the scissors on the sink counter. I grabbed them up and grasped a handful of my hair in my hand.
"Alfred don't" Peter grasped my wrist tightly with his small hand. "No" he hissed. I shot my little brother a look of detest before dropping the scissors and leaving the bathroom.
My weight fell against my bed as I stared down at my thigh where the word 'love' had been carefully, deeply, carved so that I'd remember to love myself. Even then I didn't know why I loved my beloved blonde so much. I just knew my life seemed meaningless without him and the thought of him in that Germans arms made me want to puke.
Flashback over
About four weeks later I managed to get my lover back, only to be left another four times for the German. I got my love back each time, although each time only brought more pain and depression. I stared up at the ceiling. I'd be spending Easter alone like I spent new year's alone….both times I'd been left for that same German man. My Arthur seemed unaware of my pain. My beautiful blonde didn't seem to care what I felt anymore.
I didn't go to sleep that night. I kept imagining them together in my head and breaking my own already bleeding heart in two with every image. I felt tears threatening to sting my blue eyes. I didn't want to do this. My hand wrapped around my cell-phone. I quickly found my lovers contact and texted the words "I miss you" to him.
Five minutes passed, then an hour, and then two hours. He never responded to my text. My heart dropped. I bit my lip and held back the tears. Arthur always had his phone on him. Was Ludwig really so important that he couldn't text me back?
How could you just leave me alone? I didn't go to sleep that night. I laid there imagining the worst. Imaging my lover in the arms of a tall blue eyed blonde. I sobbed all night long but not once did I fall asleep. I couldn't sleep. I knew that my lover was by someone else's side and not mine and just that was like pouring peroxide into an open wound.
I felt like cutting into my skin with the dullest, rustiest knife anyone had ever seen, I wanted to bleed just to know I was alive. I longed to feel his touch or taste his kiss. It wasn't there. Ludwig was enjoying the warmth of my lovers touch and living in fantasies of my Arthurs kiss. What killed me was knowing that if Ludwig pressed his lips to Arthurs….Arthur wouldn't object or push him away.
My blue eyes shifted to the window, the sky was gray and cold rain still beat heavily against the window. I touched my face with my index finger. My skin was sticky with tears, the tears that had finally just stopped flooding my cerulean eyes.
I sat up and looked at my phone. It was nine am. Arthur hadn't texted me back. I suddenly felt like my lover didn't even miss me. I felt even emptier. I stood as my heart strangled it's self with the pain it was causing just by being in my chest. It raced and slowed down and then raced against. Rapid stinging flooded my chest. I couldn't eat that morning.
The food only tasted bitter and it made me gag. I wanted to shower….there was no one to shower for so I didn't. I wanted to go outside. It was raining so what was the point. I wanted to feel alive but at this point to feel that I'd have to die.
It was only Friday….the thought of living like this for the next two days was unbearable. "Happy fucking Easter" a growl left my hollow throat with a strangled gasp. I stood and walked down the hallway to me and Arthur's bedroom. My eyed shifted to a little white shoebox I kept on the closet shelf. That empty feeling plunged into my stomach and ripped my heart apart as I lifted a knife from the box.
I'd begun cutting myself the second time my lover left me for Ludwig…so I'd always kept the knife in the box, hidden from Arthur. I gripped the handle and sat down in the corner of the room farthest from the door. I pressed the cold metal blade to my pale wrist. The first cut wasn't deep. But it hurt like a bitch. I was alive; I knew that as I watched the crimson liquid run over my wrist and drip to the white carpet. It felt good. I was living and the pain was proof.
The second cut was deeper. More blood spilled over my path wrist staining the carpet as it trickled down. I found life in my pain. "MY GOD, ALFRED!" my lovers voice forced my head up. "What are you doing" he cried.
"Why the fuck are you here?" I hissed.
"I forgot something" tears formed in his pretty green eyes.
Those tears wrenched into my heart like they had a thousand times.
"You left me….so I'm leaving you, Arthur" his name was the last thing to leave my lips before I sliced into my vain with the knife. The metal blade fell to the floor with little sound and blood gushed from the three gashes. My body grew warm almost instantly.
The pain was no more, I was numb. I was dying, Strong, thin arms flew around me as he begged me to live. Begged my forgiveness. For once he wouldn't have it. I'd finally had enough. My love for him had to die and for that to happen I had to die with it.
If he wanted Ludwig he could have him. My only regret was knowing that my death would hardly faze him. I could feel his arms closing tightly around me. I could feel the warmth of his kiss on my forehead. Now he shows that he loves me. I guess I had to die to earn that. Fuck him.
I felt his lips on mine. But then…..
I felt nothing.