Written on a bad day.
Disclaimer: I don't own Yuri On Ice.
I can't do this.
Why did I every think I could do this!?
All I ever do is look stupid and mess up!
Yuuri clutches his hair, letting his hands slip to his ears to block out the sound of the skaters around him conversing, the cheers, the is yuuri alright's?, because he's not- he never is.
He clenches his eyes shut, trying -struggling- to will the world away as his heart beats faster in his chest, while feeling the weight of everyone back home hopes and dreams. All he does is fail. It was like this five years ago, and nothing is different. Unaware that he's shaking, uncaring, Yuuri sucks in a struggling breath, heart stuttering painfully and mind racing with thoughts pushing one after the other away until all that's left are negative things that always make him screw up and fall.
I tried to change for Viktor, but I haven't changed at all! I'm such a screw up! All I do is disappoint everyone. And Viktor... what will Viktor think? His fans already hate me, and if I can't do his legacy proud... then... then what was the point!? All I did is bring him down with me! I'm such a failure...
Yuuri feels wetness trail down his cheeks, choking on a breath and staring at the darkness behind his eyelids, wanting to sink into that very same darkness away from the world and his own personal failings.
Viktor... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to everyone back home.
I'm sorry to Minako, mom and dad, and Mari.
I'm sorry to Yuuko and Takeshi and the triplets.
I'm sorry to Vicchan, who I wasn't even there for.
I'm so sorry!
There's hands on his shoulders, a soothing voice trying to reach his uncooperating ears, and Yuuri chokes, wanting to push the person away, but stops short at the familiar smell of cologne and the feeling of those eyes that always stare at him with encouragement no matter how bad he messes up, always focused on him despite everyone else around them, on him. It's Viktor, and that's the one person that can reach and grab him from his despair; better than his old coach or Viccan could, and pull him back.
And come back he does, with choking breaths and wet cheeks.
"Yuri," Viktor says, voice soft, soothing Yuuri's own negative thoughts running rampant in his mind. "It's okay, Yuri." There's hands on his cheeks, quieting his heart back to its gentle rhythm. "Look at me, Yuri."
Yuuri grasps Viktor's wrists, staring into those blue eyes creased at the edges, reassuring him more than words ever could despite how soothing the voice or gentle the words.
"It's okay."
He sucks in a breath, resting his forehead against Viktor's own, feeling silvery hair brush against his sweaty forehead.
Yuuri nods, breathing, opening his eyes to meet Viktor's own, and knows that it will be, as long as Viktor's there. He rejects his thoughts and the unfair urge to push Viktor away, and tell him, no, it's not going to be okay. What the hell do you know? You're Viktor Nikiforov! What could you possibly know about me? and breathes.
"Okay."