Despair
Copyright 2008 by Jack Bushell
As long as we have hope,
we have direction,
the energy to move,
and the map to move by.
We have a hundred alternatives,
a thousand paths and infinity of dreams.
Hopeful, we are halfway to where we want to go;
Hopeless, we are lost forever.
Hong Kong proverb
After an hour and half of hot squat exercises, Aang lays down on the cool floor to rest, wondering if he'll ever master firebending. The morning sun is just peeking up from the horizon and as he surveys his surroundings, Aang wonders too how ironic it is that they are hiding from the Firelord is his very own home on Ember Island.
"Looking good, Twinkle Toes!" Toph laughs as she and Katara approach the boy.
"Hey, Aang."
"Hey Katara."
Aang smiles and can feel himself blushing a bit.
"We're going to take a little break today and head into town. Wanna go?"
"Do I ever!"
With a powerful gust of air, the Avatar lifts himself off the floor to land gently beside the two girls.
"Ew! Geez, Aang!"
Sniffing his armpits, the boy winces.
"Sorry, Toph."
"Go wash up, Aang. We'll wait for you."
Awhile later the three of them are cresting the hill overlooking town when Aang suddenly screams in excitement, pointing frantically towards the bottom of the hill.
"What the heck is all that?!"
"What? What? I don't see anything! Sorry, guys, just a little 'blind' humor."
"Well, I'll be." Katara smiles and looks in wide eyed wonder. "It's a traveling carnival."
"A what? What, Katara?!" Aang can barely contain himself.
"Of course, I've never actually seen one but I've heard stories. These people go from town to town, setting up games of chance and contests of skill and you can win prizes and eat all kinds of junk food."
"Junk food?"
"Oh yeah," Toph says, "carnivals are loads of fun."
"Then what the heck are we waiting for? Let's go!" Aang tears down the hill, leaving the girls standing there giggling. Katara looks to her friend who only shrugs her shoulders and smiles.
The majority of the next hour is Aang running around in circles pointing and exclaiming "Ooooo, what's that?"
The three kids finally find themselves staring at a table lined with dozens of sparkling glass bottles of every size, shape, and color.
"Ooooo, what's this?"
"This, young man," says an old carny from behind the table, "Is the famous bottle toss! For a mere pittance you may have three rings!" The man brandishes three gleaming rings that sparkle as brightly as the table of bottles. "Sink a ring over any bottle and claim the prize that the bottle holds!"
"Really?!"
"Absolutely!"
Aang grabs the rings from the carny in exchange for a couple of coins and with a wild smile on his face he tosses all three at once. One of the hoops hits the carny in the nose, one falls to the ground, and one lands squarely over a bright blue bottle.
"Hoo-ray, young man! Well done! Well done, indeed! You may claim your prize!"
Aang breaks the bottle open, revealing an exquisite necklace made of turquoise.
"Oh, Aang, it's beautiful."
Without a word, he gently snaps the band around Katara's neck. Blushing intensely, she gives him a peck on the cheek.
"Alright lovebirds, let's move on," Toph says grumpily.
They soon find themselves in front of a bow shoot and Katara, an old hand with fishing spears, easily knocks her target down. She chooses a stuffed lion turtle for her prize but quickly gives it away as a crying child passes the trio. Smiling, she places her hand on Toph's shoulder.
"You're next, sweetie."
"Hmmm…there!" Toph points behind her and Katara sees in the distance a high strike game.
"Step right up! Step right up! Ring the bell and win the prize!"
"You sure you can hit that, Toph?" asks Aang. "It's an awfully long way up the pole."
"No problem Twinkle Toes. Just stand back."
Spitting in her hands, she grabs the large mallet from the carny and, with a quick little boost of earth underneath her, nails the bell.
"Wow!"
The strong carny towers over Toph, sizing her up. She merely looks up at him with blind eyes and smiles sweetly.
"Not many folks impress me, girl, and you're one of the few that have!" He smiles broadly. "Take your prize! You deserve it!"
"Katara?"
"I got ya, hon."
Katara looks over the prize rack carefully and, clapping her hands and smiling, chooses a toy for Toph.
"What is it?"
The girl feels the toy with her fingers but can only feel softness.
"It's a cutie wootie fuzzy green teddy bear wearing a cute little Earth Nation outfit."
"A…teddy bear?"
"Well if you don't like it I'm sure we can find another little girl who would love to have it."
"Um…no, it's okay."
Toph quickly shoves the stuffed animal deep into her pocket, fearing Katara would really give it way.
"Ooooo…what's that? What's that?!" Aang yells excitedly.
The trio walk across the midway to an attraction that had just been set up. An ancient carny is hanging a large sign over the door of a very old and decrepit looking shack. The man's wisps of dirty white hair contrast sharply with his dirty black suit.
"Heung's House of Horror." Katara reads the sing for Toph, who looks both excited and downtrodden at the same time.
"That's right, kids."
The old carny had finished hanging the sign and now approaches the children, leaning heavily on a cane as he walks.
"Be the first customers of the day! Unless, that is, yer scared!"
The old man starts laughing raucously and reminds Katara of Bumi.
"Katara?" Aang pleads to the older girl with his eyes.
"Sure, Aang, it'll be fun."
"You two go on ahead."
Toph sits down in the grass.
"Not much to be scared of when you can't see."
"Oh, you'd be surprised."
The carny hobbles to her side and as he looks her over he loudly addresses Katara and Aang.
"Look's like your little friend here is too scared, you two. You might just well go in without her since you two don't have a handicap to hide behind."
"What did you just say to me?!"
Enraged, Toph stands to face the man.
"Nothing, nothing. Just seems to me you're using an excuse to stay safe is all. No. No, you stay here while the others go in. I'll watch over you."
Toph, spitting on the ground, curses loudly but joins her two friends. The carny shuffles over to the door of the shack and takes hold of the knob.
"Steel yourselves! For you are about to face your deepest fears! Do not ever lose hope in the face of these fears for if you do you will be lost forever!"
Aang and Katara are both giggling but Toph just kicks at the dirt a bit.
"In you go!"
"Hey, this isn't so bad," Aang says in a slightly disappointed voice.
"Yeah, there's actually nothing in here."
Instead of the cheesy fake monsters they had expected to see, the kids find themselves in a room; a room devoid of furnishings and hangings save for one wooden door set into each of the four walls.
"Oh my gosh!"
Aang and Toph jump at Katara's exclamation.
"We forgot to pay that guy!"
"Geez! You scared the bejeebers out of me! I though you saw something terrible."
Katara chuckles.
"About the scariest thing in here is the paintjob. Hang on, I'll run out and pay him."
But as Katara turns to leave she quickly discovers that the door from which they had entered was gone. Toph begins feeling the wall but can find no sign of trickery…just solid wall. Aang, smiling and pointing at the empty wall, begins to feel justified that the ride will actually be worth going on.
"Wow, that is creepy," says Katara, shivering a bit and turning to face the remaining three doors. "Which one should we take first?"
"I can't tell where any of them lead to," says Toph. "Should we split up?"
"Oh! Yeah, let's split up!" cries Aang, grabbing hold of the nearest doorknob. "That way we can each tell the other what it was like!"
"Sounds good to me," replies Toph, taking hold of her own door.
"Okay everybody," Katara stands in front of the door not taken. "On the count of three. Ready?"
In unison the kids begin to count.
"One…two…three!"
Toph falls from the door, realizing immediately that she has stepped right back outside.
"Wow, that sucked!"
She laughs for a moment. Aang and Katara aren't out yet but
"No way…"
Quickly she turns in surprise, for standing only a bit away from her is
"Mom? Dad?"
"Hello, Toph."
A regal couple steps forward to hug their long lost daughter.
"Wh…what are you doing here?" she asks in shock. "How…how did you find me?"
"Toph," her father replies, smiling, "with the money we control we could find you anywhere."
"The Earth King sent us a letter, dear."
Toph's mother hugged her again.
"We're so proud of you!"
"What…why? What's going on?"
"The Earth King has publicly honored you for your accomplishments in helping the Avatar. He's so proud that one from his own nation is so involved with the war. He has officially declared you the world's greatest earth bender and seeks an audience with you."
"No…" gasps Toph, the shock beginning to overwhelm her. "No way…"
"Toph…I am the proudest father in the world. You have brought your mother and I so much honor.
She stands there dumbstruck, and yet a smile forms on her face; not because of her honor but because now her parents will finally and fully accept her for who she is. She's waited so long.
"That's not all, dear," her mother says, positively beaming.
"What?"
"About a week ago, a young man turned up at our door looking for you."
"What?"
"Yes. He say's he'd been searching for you for ages."
"Who?"
Suddenly, a figure walks out of the crowd and over to Toph. The young man looks to be about fourteen or so. His long brown hair flows freely to his shoulders and his green eyes pierce her glazed and sightless stare. He is garbed in the green attire of the Earth Kingdom and, though short, he stands proud and strong.
"Hello, Toph."
"Lei?"
Tears begin running down her face rapidly. She had almost convinced herself that she would never see him ever again and yet…here he is.
He takes her in a tight and loving embrace and she cannot hope to stop the flood of tears that fall from her eyes.
"I've missed you so much, Lei."
"I love you, Toph, I always have."
Gently he kisses her and she returns the affection, blushing deeply.
"I love you and want to be with you forever…you are my true love."
She melts in his arms.
Toph's father puts his hand on Lei's shoulder.
"You have our blessings…son."
"Oh, Lei!" Toph cries. "Oh, Lei, this is the happiest day of my life!
Aang falls out of the door and into another empty room. In fact, this room is exactly like the previous one except that it only has two doors set in the opposite walls. He raises and dusts his rear off. A door across from him flings open and Katara comes flying inside. She looks embarrassed as she steps over to the boy.
"Hey, Aang."
"Hey, Katara."
"Pretty funny, huh, how my door led to your room?"
"Yeah."
Aang is blushing and feels awkward, being alone with the girl he has always loved.
"Aang, I'm glad we have this chance to be alone."
"You are?"
"Yeah. I…I've been wanting to tell you something."
"You have?"
"I…I've always loved you, Aang. I know it sounds stupid but I've loved you since the very first day we met."
Katara is crying a little.
"It's not stupid."
"It's just…with the war going on and all of your training…it just never seemed like the right time to tell you…but my feelings for you are so strong…I just had to let you know!"
Aang, smiling broadly, wraps his arm around her shoulders.
"Please, Aang, please tell me you feel the same!"
"I do, Katara…"
She weeps more, holding him closer to her as they sink slowly to the floor.
"Does this mean we can be together now? No matter what?"
To answer, he gently cups her chin and kisses her deeply. She wraps her arms tighter around him, pulling him to her.
"I'm so happy, Aang."
"Not as happy as I am, Katara. You've made me the happiest man in the world!"
Katara opens the door and steps out into the bright sunlight. Leaning against the porch post she sighs, not quite yet believing that the war has finally ended. Not quite yet believing Aang and her had settled down in their own home just outside of Ba Sing Se.
She cradles her huge belly and smiles. Not long now, she thinks to herself. She rubs the mass, feeling for a kick but for all this time she never has yet. She hides her worry from Aang but sometimes she wonders if the baby is really alright.
"You are growing though, aren't you?" she whispers to her belly.
Shielding her eyes from the warm sun, she looks to the horizon for signs of her husband's return from fishing and soon she spies him in the distance, Momo playfully flying around him. He's laughing, she can tell even from this far away. She admires him as he walks down the lane. He's so strong, so beautiful. Never in her life would she have dared dream that she would be so happy.
"Come on, Lei, we have to find Aang and Katara and tell them!"
"Okay, sweetie."
The young girl drags her boyfriend to the side of the carnival house, looking for her friends.
"Huh. They're still not out."
She turns to Lei but stops suddenly.
"What's wrong, Toph."
"I…I can't see…"
"Well I know that, hon…"
"N…no…no…my earth bending…it's gone…no…no…"
She stamps her feet furiously but to no avail. She begins walking towards Lei, her arms outstretched, trying to find her way.
"Mom? Dad? What's happened to me? I can't earth bend!"
"No doubt due to the stress of your adventures, Toph. It's apparent you won't be earth bending at all anymore."
"What? What do you mean?"
She could feel herself beginning to cry.
"When this happens," her mother says, "a bender doesn't ever regain their gift."
"No…no…"
"So much for honor!" her father yells viciously. "Back home with you, Toph. You're a disgrace and now we're going to have to waste even more money keeping you guarded!"
Toph collapses, sobbing, not understanding what has happened or why she is engulfed in a world of entire and complete darkness.
"Lei?"
She reaches out for her boyfriend, her last bastion of hope.
"What?"
"Lei…you still…you'll still love me, won't you?"
"What? Hey, I could deal with your blindness before because you made up for it with your earth bending. But now? Now you're just a blind, pathetic, useless little kid. Stay say from me."
"But…"
"Don't speak to me, trash."
Toph's father comes between the two kids.
"We're so sorry, Lei, for dragging you all this way for nothing."
Toph falls in a heap on the ground screaming, tears flying from her eyes.
"Guards, pick that disgrace up off the ground!"
A Fire Nation regiment appears and takes custody of Toph.
"This…child…is wanted for crimes against our nation."
"Take her," says Toph's mother. "Now the burden won't be on us.
Wailing in despair, Toph is dragged away and thrown into a dark prison cell.
"Hey, Aang?"
Katara kisses the crook of his neck and moves off of his lap. Together they stand and look at one another.
"Yes, Katara?"
"I think it's time to let everybody know, don't you?"
"Everybody?"
"Yeah. Well, Sokka already knows. He's known for a very long time that I love you."
"And I love you."
He leans in and kisses her long and hard.
"Let's do it."
"Alright, Aang. Let's do it. Race you back outside!"
Katara runs through the door, leaving Aang smiling and alone. Sighing in pleasure, he steps outside after her.
"Oh no…"
Even with his back to Aang he recognizes the massive man in front of him as Firelord Ozai. His heart stops as he looks around quickly. A crowd of people has already formed a circle around them and the girls are nowhere in sight.
"Katara? Toph?"
"There's no one to help you here, Avatar."
The Firelord's voice is as evil and as dark as his reputation and the crowd gasps, looking at Aang with both fear and disgust, realizing he is the Avatar.
"What did you do with my friends?" demands Aang.
"Do? Why nothing, young Avatar. Your friends ran when they saw me. Some friends, eh?"
"Liar! Turn around and face me!"
But Firelord Ozai would not turn around. He merely laughs a sinister and foreboding laugh.
"Your friends can't help you now but rest assured, Avatar, when I'm through with you they are next on my list. Each and every one of them."
"Face me!" screams Aang.
But Firelord Ozai still would not turn to face him.
"Have it your way!"
In a rage of both anger and fear, Aang hurls a white hot fireball at Ozai's back. At the split second before impact, though, Firelord Ozai spins around and Aang watches in horror as his fireball engulfs the captive Katara.
Her eyes are filled with terror in the instant that it happens. Aang can feel hot tears streaming down his cheeks as he runs to her, writhing in the dirt. Her hair is gone now. The flesh of her face and skull are burned so horribly that she has become unrecognizable. The majority of her clothing has been scorched away but there are pieces that have fused into her melted body. Blisters are forming and popping so fast across her breasts and belly that it looks like soup boiling. Her hands are gone, replaced only with two grotesque stubs of red flesh. She is trying to scream but only harsh gurgling noises are being choked out. Her one remaining eye is so dilated that Aang immediately understands just how much pain she has to be enduring.
He collapses on top of her, sobbing wildly, and is only vaguely aware of being pulled away from her by Fire Nation soldiers.
I wonder how much fish he got today? She thinks to herself, smiling. Hopefully enough for dinner because Dad's coming over tonight.
"Wait…what's that?"
Katara squints and looks hard in the distance. Aang and Momo are still coming up the lane but
"What's that behind them?"
She squints harder.
"No! No way!"
She feels the color wash away from her face as she realizes that her husband is about to be attacked by the Firelord.
Nonononono!
This isn't right!
The war is over!
He's supposed to be dead!
She runs with all her strength up the lane and towards her husband. She watches as his smiling face turns to an expression of terror as Aang realizes he's been stalked.
"Get back, Katara!"
But it was too late! The Firelord is already upon them and attacking. She feels a hard cramp in her belly and doubles over.
"Run, Katara! Run!"
"No, Aang! I'm not letting you fight alone!"
"Please, Katara!"
"No!"
As she screams, the Firelord shoots a massive bolt of blue lightning straight for her.
As if in slow motion, Katara watches in horror as Aang leaps in front of her, taking the full blast of evil energy.
He is killed instantly.
Screaming and sobbing hysterically, Katara is pulled off the body of her husband by her hair and is forced to face the Firelord.
"Don't be sad, child. You will be going to prison, yes, but you will be hailed forevermore in Fire Nation history as the woman who helped me kill the Avatar."
Katara passes out from shock.
Toph sits quietly in her cell, her blindness being more of a prison to her than any jailhouse could ever be. She has given up. There is nothing left in the world for her.
Nothing.
She shifts her weight and feels a bulge in her pocket. Pulling out her Earth Kingdom teddy bear, a fresh wave of hysterics washes over her and she sobs into the fuzzy toy, drowning it in her tears.
Katara gave this to me, she thinks.
Katara loved me.
Katara still loves me.
She quits crying and feels the little bear's eyes. That's right. Her friends: Aang, Sokka, Katara…maybe even Zuko. They would always love her…even if she was truly blind and completely useless. She knows they would find a place for her with them. She believes that with all her heart.
Suddenly, as if a million lights turned on at once, Toph can see the teddy bear. She gasps in shock as the bright colors swim before her eyes. Behind the bear, on the wall of the dirty cell, a door appears from nowhere. Then, all becomes darkness once again.
She is panting. Part of her does not believe what just happened but the other part of her knows better. Stumbling in the darkness, she runs her hands along the cold stone wall until she finds the phantom door. Her hand wraps around the knob firmly.
"Okay, okay, okay," she whispers, breathing heavily. "One…two…"
Aang lay face down in his cell. He doesn't care that he's been captured. In fact, he doesn't care about anything at all. All he can think of is Katara. The image of what he has done to her is burned in his mind forever.
It's over.
He knows it.
He has to die.
"Aang."
From the darkness comes a voice. A familiar voice.
"Aang, buddy, are you in here?"
"S…Sokka?"
"Hey, I'm here to bust you out."
Aang looks, but can only see darkness.
"Don't bother, Sokka. I'm going to die here."
He began to cry again.
"What are you talking about, Aang? I'm busting you out."
"No. You don't understand!" he shouts. "I killed Katara!!"
Silence.
"It was an accident but I did it! I killed her! I killed the girl I love!"
Aang begins to sob.
"Aang?"
"Leave me alone."
"Listen, Aang. I already know what happened…we all do…"
Aang hears a slight sob for the darkness.
"I know you loved her, Aang, and she loved you. It was an accident. I've lost my sister but I'm not losing my best friend too!"
"How can you say that?! I killed her!"
"Because I…I…I forgive you, Aang. It's what she would've wanted."
A bright light flashes through the cell at that moment, illuminating a door set into the stone wall. Aang jumps up.
"Sokka! There's a door in here!"
"Go through it, buddy," the voice says solemnly, almost sadly.
Aang grabs the knob and breathes deeply.
"On the count of three," he whispers, "one…two…"
Katara lay in her dark cell with her hands covering her face, crying desperately for the man whom she had loved for almost her entire life.
If only she would have listened to Aang, then he could have fought Ozai without distraction. Then he would still be alive. It was her fault. It was all her fault.
Her greatest fear has been realized: That Aang would die because of the feelings he harbored for her. Aang had died because of his love for her.
She lay there, writing in the throes of despair, knowing there is no more hope left for the world. Knowing there is no more hope left for her. Knowing that her husband has left her alone forever.
She screams in surprise and clutches her belly.
She kicked!
My baby kicked!
A bright doorway appears to her from out of the darkness.
"Three!!" the kids cry in unison as they fall from three doors and onto the grassy ground. They each stand cautiously, surveying their surroundings carefully.
Katara rubs her slim belly and can't help but feel a great loss when suddenly Aang jumps on her, embracing her with all of his might. Toph tackles both of them to the ground and wraps her arms around her friends. Without a word, they slowly stand up, looking into each others tear stained faces. Aang is the first to find enough courage to speak.
"So, uh, what'd you guys think of the ride?"
Silence.
More silence.
"Lame," coughs Toph.
"Yeah. It was pretty stupid." Katara hugs herself.
"Really boring." Aang says, forcing a weak smile.
Though the three of them understand that they each have experienced horrors beyond imagining, they also understand that no words will ever be said about any of it.
In a daze, the trio walks around to the front of the decrepit old building so as to leave the carnival but are instead greeted with quite a shock.
"Feung's Fun House?"
Not only has the sign changed but the entire little shack looks different. Instead of an aging ad beat up building, there stands before them a newly painted, cheesy carnival attraction. A young woman stands in front of the funhouse ushering groups of children inside.
"Weird."
"You're not kidding."
Katara hugs herself tighter and the three begin to leave the carnival once and for all.
"Oh my god…" she gasps.
Aang and Toph jump in fear.
"What?"
"Toph…Lei…"
She points her finger across the midway where a young man stands amidst the crowd. His bright green eyes are looking this way and that, his green tunic clashing in the sea of red Fire Nation garb.
Toph looks towards the boy with unseeing eyes. Her lips quiver slightly and she seems torn between running to him and running away. A tear runs down her cheek and onto her lip.
"Aren't you going, hon?"
"I…I can't."
Toph walks away, followed by Aang and then Katara, who looks back once more and watches as Lei picks something up off the ground. Then the crowd engulfs him.
He holds in his hand a green and fuzzy teddy bear dressed in a vaguely familiar cloth. The toy is dirty and wet but for some unknown reason he is drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
Standing there, in the middle of a mob of people, he stares at the bear for the longest time and wonders why he suddenly feels so very alone.