RATING: R
SUMMARY: Mulder gains amazing and frightening psychic powers after suffering a debilitating, life altering head injury. The search for the truth, of where the powers come from lead the pair to Central America and some amazing discoveries about God, aliens and themselves.
CATEGORIES: Mulder torture, Scully angst, MSR there toward the end, Post colonization in parts, Alternate universe.
SPOILERS: Every dang episode clear up to the Unnatural. But no Biogenesis, Believe it or not, this story was started and first posted well before I saw this season's cliff-hanger. Seems everyone likes doing stories about space seeds, alien astronauts, and Mulder developing third-eye-like Psi powers.
FEEDBACK: Dev1025@uswest.net
Note from the author: Eventually this story will be composed of three separate files, each one detailing a separate story. This is the first book, of which there is three parts.
THE DAMASCUS FILES FILE ONE by Katvictory
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"As he neared Damascus on his journey, suddenly a light from heaven flashed around him. He fell to the ground and heard a voice say to him, "Saul, Saul, why do you persecute me?" "Who are you, Lord?" Saul asked. "I am Jesus, whom you are persecuting," he replied. "Now get up and go into the city, and you will be told what you must do." The men traveling with Saul stood there speechless; they heard the sound but did not see anyone. Saul got up from the ground, but when he opened his eyes he could see nothing. So they led him by the hand into Damascus."
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<><><><><><><><><> CHAPTER ONE <><><><><><><><><>
FOX WILLIAM MULDER INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT - ONE November 26, 1999
WAGNER - You sure you're up to this Mulder?
MULDER - Yeah. (cough, muffled laugh) I talk, it types?
WAGNER - No, I'll get Kami to transcribe it. You don't have to do this, you know? We have enough on what happened to document it without you. Are you sure you don't mind?
MULDER - I want to tell it.
WAGNER - Okay, well, I'll leave you alone then. You got everything you need?
MULDER - Yeah. Where's Scully?
WAGNER - She went to Denver, remember?
MULDER - Why? (pause)
(Machine off/restart)
MULDER - Okay, here we go. My last case as a Special Agent for the FBI was one I never should have taken. You know the old saying --fool me once, shame on you? I'd gone undercover once before. It was a lot like this case. I almost got killed that time, too.
I hope this isn't too confusing for you, Mr. Wagner. If I could figure out a way to make notes, maybe I could keep everything in order. I'm sorry, maybe when Scully comes back she could help me...
KAMI WAGNER - I'm here, Mulder. I'll help, okay? Just start at the beginning. Tell how you got assigned the case. Wasn't it your friend, Skinner?
MULDER - Yeah, Assistant Director Walter Skinner. I never thought he'd do this to me, you know? Scully, that is, Special Agent Dana Scully was out of town when I left. They sent me to Kansas City first. I picked up my cover story there. I was Marty Fulcher. A professor of Sociology at Middlebury College in Vermont. I quit teaching to join the Brotherhood.
KAMI - What was the Brotherhood?
MULDER - The Brotherhood of Barnabas. An extremist group. They had a compound in a little town in the Rockies, Rustic, Colorado. It's not far from Fort Collins. We had an informant, who'd told us that they were planning something. That they were building up their fire power. That part was true. They were. I mean they'd gotten enough guns they coulda armed a small country. And they were going to hit several federal offices in Denver. Right before New Years was when they planned to do it. I was there with the Brotherhood for two months. I thought they'd bought my cover. They let me in on all their plans. I thought I was getting away with it. I was just biding my time, until I could surface. I'd learned everything. I did what I was supposed to. I had all the information. I did the job that they sent me there to do. Just like they told me.
KAMI - It's okay, Mulder. Do you wanna stop? We can do this later.
MULDER - No, I'm fine. Can I have something to drink? (pause)
(Machine off/restart)
MULDER - Aramis, that's Brother Aramis, he was our informant. He was the one who set me up, I guess. Did they ever find out for sure?
KAMI - No, Mulder. He was killed in the raid. All of the leaders were killed. Remember?
MULDER - I remember. You want me to tell about that day, right? We were supposed to be going to Laramie. To meet our contact, Mike, to buy some ammo. Brother Aramis suggested I go along. I thought he was giving me a way out. You know? So I could surface, and make my report. We left out early in the morning. It's a pretty canyon. The Poudre. Cache Le Poudre Canyon. You know the trapper's named it that because that's where they used to hide their supplies. It means, hide the powder in French. Ironic, huh?
KAMI - The Brotherhood sure had enough guns hidden there.
MULDER - Yeah, they did (laugh, long pause).
KAMI - Mulder, do you wanna wait to tell this part?
MULDER - No. No, I can finish. (pause) I should have known something was up, but I didn't leave the compound too many times in those two months. I didn't really know the area that well. I mean, I didn't realize we were on the wrong road. I saw the sign. I saw we were going to Glendevey. It just didn't click. We passed the Boy Scout camp before I realized what was happening. When I saw the Boy Scout camp, I started thinking I might be in trouble.
KAMI - Mulder, what did passing the Boy Scout camp tell you?
MULDER - You know, Kami...
KAMI - Mulder, I know. But Dad wants you to tell this for the files. Tell me why passing the Boy Scout camp worried you.
MULDER - Sorry. I'm sorry Kami.
KAMI - Mulder, it's okay. Can you go on?
MULDER - Yeah, I'm fine. (sigh) I knew when we passed the Boy Scout camp that they weren't taking the main route to Laramie. You can get to Laramie the way we were going, but why would anyone want to try it? Not during winter. We should have gone down 287. We were going the back route. Then I noticed nobody would look me in the eye. I knew something was wrong. My cover'd been blown. They were taking the back route to get rid of me. We turned off the main road. I could feel the sweat running down my ribs, underneath my shirt. When we stopped at an open field, out in the middle of nowhere, I knew I was dead.
"Marty, it's over," David Moye told me. He had a gun. What could I say? For once in my life, I was too scared to say anything. I'd gone through this once before. The last time I had gone undercover. I started praying that history would repeat itself. That I would come out of this alive. Well, my prayers were answered. I'm alive. I've just learned to be a little more specific when I pray.
They made me strip. I don't know why. Thank God it was only down to my long johns, but they still took my shoes and socks. They cuffed my hands behind my back and made me follow them. I was barefoot and shivering. We stopped in the middle of the clearing. It was more dramatic that way, I guess. They told me to kneel. I acted like I was going to do it. I don't really know what I was thinking. I knew there wasn't any place to run. I knew if I did run, they'd have a clear shot at me. But, I guess instinct took over. I pretended I was getting down to my knees, but I lurched against David. He fell into the snow and I took off. I made it exactly 12 yards. It said so in the report.
The first bullet hit me in the back. It didn't really hurt. All I felt was the impact. It knocked me off my feet. Sometimes cold is a blessing, you know. And shock, shock helps a lot too. I got to my feet and tried to run, again. I was kind of stumbling. Falling down, getting back up. They had all the time they needed. They had a clear shot that whole time. They just wanted to have some fun with me. They wanted to watch me scramble.
The second bullet took my life away. I don't even remember it hitting the back of my head. It went in here, just under my left ear. When it came out it left a three inch crater in my face. It took out my eye and most of my sinuses on that side. I fell face first into the snow. That saved my life, the cold kept me from bleeding to death. (long pause) I think that's all. I'm tired now. Can I stop, Kami?
(Machine off).
END SESSION -KWW-
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Report -For S.A.Wagner By Dana K. Scully, MD December 1,1999
I first discovered that Special Agent Fox Mulder had been given an undercover assignment upon my return from emergency leave. When I found out that it had something to do with the Barnabas Brotherhood, I was irate, both at Assistant Director Skinner and Mulder himself. Agent Mulder, while an excellent field agent did not specialize in deep undercover cases and I felt the bureau was negligent in assigning someone with his lack of experience to attempt a covert operation this dangerous. I felt there was an ulterior motive for sending my partner into such a potentially disastrous situation so ill equipped. I was right.
For two months I fought the system. I continued to run the X-Files to the best of my abilities, but my main focus was on trying to find out where they had sent Agent Mulder and attempting to convince the powers that be, to reassign him to his regular duties. When A.D. Skinner informed me on February 22, 1999 of Agent Mulder's hospitalization, I immediately booked a flight to Colorado and tendered my resignation. I left the hand written notice on Skinner's desk and walked out of the building. I have never returned. All correspondence with the bureau has been handled by my mother at my behest.
Dana K. Scully
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December 1,1999 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Dear Mr. Wagner:
I know this letter will wind up in your files. This is my unofficial report. Somehow, I feel more comfortable telling you what happened, about my feelings concerning the betrayal and Mulder's injuries this way. I think I have made my last official report. Anything else you want to know from me, it'll have to be this way. I am making this a prerequisite of my employment. Please, no more reports! Just newsy letters.
I first want to thank you for all you've done for us. You've opened your home and your heart to us and I can never repay you for your kindness. I don't believe Mulder would have come so far in his recovery if it hadn't been for you. In six short months he has made such amazing leaps in his journey back. I honestly have hope now that he'll be able to make a life for himself. I read the transcripts of his report to you and I cried. I see a shadow of the old Fox Mulder there. Thank you for giving him back to me.
So now, I'll tell the first part of my story. As I stated in my "Official" report, I booked a flight, gave Skinner my resignation, told my mother what had happened, where I was going and that I'd be in touch. I then boarded the flight at 6:00 PM, and fell into an exhausted sleep the moment we were in the air. I awoke when the plane touched down at DIA. I had chased the sun, and it was only 7:00 Mountain Standard Time. But, since it was wintertime, I drove to Fort Collins in the dark. I didn't have much information on Mulder's condition. Just that it was critical, that he'd been shot twice. Once in the head. And that it didn't look good. I'll admit to you I prayed, selfishly, that he wouldn't die. I didn't care at that point, how badly he'd been hurt. I just didn't want to lose him.
I arrived at Poudre Valley Hospital at 8:30. I'm listed as Mulder's next of kin, so I was allowed to see him. If I hadn't seen his hands, I wouldn't have known it was him. They had found him the morning before. The rancher who owned the property near Glendevey had heard the gunshots. He had called the sheriff and Mulder was airlifted to PVH.
I know his records already have a place here in your files. You know what the damage was. I can't really explain what it felt like to see him the way he'd been left. Mulder's face was so grotesquely swollen he didn't even appear human. The skin over his left cheek had actually split. There was nothing left of his ocular socket and very little of the upper bridge of his nose. Luckily the nurse saw me sway. I honestly believe I would have fainted if she hadn't slid a chair beneath me.
I didn't see how he could live. That is when I first wondered whether Mulder would want to live, damaged the way he was. Not just the physical deformities. I knew there had to be brain damage. There was no way he could have escaped it. I needed to speak to his Doctor. I knew what his wishes were. It was my place as his next of kin, as his friend, to make sure his living will was honored. I reached out to touch his hand, hoping to let him know I was there and that I would do what he'd want me to do.
When I saw those long tapered fingers, that hand I'd held so many times, it hit me. This was Mulder. My Mulder. I cried.
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LETTER FROM DANA SCULLY Written December 2, 1999
Kami,
Thank you for being there for me last night. I'm so sorry I woke you. In answer to your question, yes...it's always the same dream. It started the second week after Mulder got hurt. That's before we found the right meds for his convulsions. At that point he was having upwards of 15 Grand Mal seizures a day. I was at my wits end. So was Doctor Raposa.
You see Kami, Mulder reacts strangely to medication. He is such a fighter that he was never fully comatose and the doctor was afraid to put him deeper because of the reactions he's had. A good part of the time we were having to restrain him. She weaned him off the respirator the first week because he fought it so hard.
I was so tired by that time. Kami, I hate to admit it but I was afraid he was going to live. There, I said it. Isn't it horrible? I didn't want him to have to live like this and I was afraid he wasn't going to get any better. That night I went back to the motel, the night I first had the dream, he'd had 18 Grand Mal seizures in 16 hours. I collapsed on the bed and fell asleep in my clothes.
I dreamed. This is my dream, Kami --
I feel his touch. We've never been together like...that. But I love his hands. He has the hands of a musician. I feel those long, beautiful fingers gently caressing my skin. Feather light, they run down my side and over my hip. Half asleep, I squirm back and melt at the warmth of his flesh against me. I feel him grow hard. I want him. I turn over to face him and I see him as he was then. The way he looked right after he was injured. You never saw him like that, Kami, but his face was a bloody ruin of mangled flesh.
He smiles and his lips split open. Blood trickles down his chin and still he grins. I touch the tear and his skin falls off in my hand. This is wrong! I'm making it worse! I need to help him. I have to fix him. But I can't. The more I try, the quicker the tissue slides off his bones. I know I'm losing him...
It's better now Kami, but I still don't sleep. Now you know why.
Dana
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FOX WILLIAM MULDER INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT -TWO DECEMBER 7, 1999
SCULLY - Mulder, Mr. Wagner wants me to ask you a few questions about when you were in the hospital.
MULDER - We already talked about this.
SCULLY - I know WE did Mulder, but the tape wasn't running. We need to do it again. For Mr. Wagner.
MULDER - Why? Why does he wanna know this stuff, Scully?
SCULLY - He keeps files, Mulder. Files on all kinds of things. You understand, Mulder? About files?
MULDER - I know what files are, Scully.
SCULLY - I'm sorry, Mulder...
MULDER - I'm not a "thing," Scully!
SCULLY - Why don't we just stop right here...
MULDER - No. You still didn't tell me why he wants to know this stuff about ME, about US.
SCULLY - We work for Mr. Wagner now, Mulder.
MULDER - I work for him? How do I work for him? What do I do, Scully?
SCULLY - Mr. Wagner, he -- well, he used to follow our work, Mulder. Back when we had the X-Files.
MULDER - So what do I do now? Why does he want to know these things? He's always watching me Scully. I can feel it. He's always asking me questions. You're always asking me questions. I'm tired of it.
SCULLY - Mulder, you really don't want to do this today, do you?
MULDER - No.
SCULLY - What DO you want to do?
MULDER - I don't know. I don't know what I want to do. What can I do? What can I do now, Scully?
(Machine off)
END SESSION -DKS-
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December 8,1999 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Mr. Wagner,
I look at these files, all that you have on Mulder, and I'm stunned. He is making progress by leaps and bounds. I understand your interest in him. His recovery HAS been a miracle. It IS fascinating.
I just transcribed the second interview. I don't know if you'll even want it. He talks about nothing. He was in a mood.
He talks about nothing, but he says everything! I can't answer his questions. Where DOES he go from here? What CAN he do? Why did he live? I've known the man for 7 years. He has to have a purpose. Even like he is now. Can't you see that?
Mr. Wagner, what is it you want from him? Do you think he still has a purpose? Some purpose other than being interesting reading for your files? I'll tell you, that's not enough for him, Mr. Wagner. He needs to have more of a reason than that to keep going. I need him to have more.
-DKS-
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FOX WILLIAM MULDER INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT - THREE DECEMBER 14, 1999
( NOTE - Dad, I talked him into this. He has agreed to talk to me as a brain injury patient, responding to questions regarding how the mind recovers from that trauma. He can deal with you wanting to know about his disabilities from a scientific point of view. The other day, his problem was he couldn't get past thinking you were probing him personally. We might try allowing me alone to do the interviews. Scully is just too close. While he talks to her about everything, he feels violated when she shares what he says with you.
I'm going to color these transcripts up a bit, take notes and tell what he does during the session. I don't think we can quite get the true picture of what he says without more description of his emotional responses. That is another area where he is beginning to flower. He hasn't yet learned to control them, but now his range of emotions go beyond simple anger and calm. Read this transcript. See if you like how I flesh out the interview).
KAMI - Mulder, what is the first thing you remember after you got shot?
MULDER - Scully's voice.
KAMI - Were you in pain?
MULDER - No, I don't think so. I just remember Scully talking to me.
KAMI - Looking back, can you put this in a time frame.
MULDER - (M. pauses. Look of concentration. He chews his bottom lip. It's a habit he has). Ah-h-h...I think I was still in the ICU. Look it up, Kami. (He seems interested by where the interview is going. He is excited).
KAMI - What, look what up Mulder?
MULDER - (impatience) I know I still had the thing in my neck. What's it called? (He's frustrated. His aphasia has him unable to find the right word. He waves his hand, giving up, then demands of K). Look up when they fixed my neck.
KAMI - (surprise) The ventilator?
MULDER - (disgust, concentration) No, No...I mean before the closed that hole. I was breathing through my neck. I couldn't talk. (Stops surprised by K's information ) They had me on a machine? I don't remember that. I hate those things...
KAMI - (checking records) Mulder they closed the tracheotomy March 7th. You were moved from ICU on March 23.
MULDER - Okay, then that's when, sometime before they closed it. I don't remember what all she said to me. The words really didn't come through. But I would wake up and I could hear her talking. It was the sound of her voice. She was always there. Always. (Mulder begins to cry, silently). Can I have some water? Turn it off, Kami, please.
(Machine off)
(I suggested ending the session. Mulder was intrigued where this interview was going and the memories that were surfacing. After getting his emotions under control, Mulder chose to continue).
(Machine restart)
KAMI - Mulder, do you remember if you understood something had happened to you at this point? Did you have any idea you had been hurt?
MULDER - No, I don't think I was really all there. I don't know if I thought about anything except waiting for Scully's voice and listening to her when she talked.
KAMI - Well, when was it that you first realized that you'd been injured?
MULDER - When Scully yelled at the man. I remember knowing something was wrong with me when he was there. I knew something had happened to me because he was talking to me but I didn't understand him. I was all mixed up...(M. becomes agitated describing his feelings about this episode).
KAMI - What man? It's not in the files...
MULDER -I DON'T KNOW! I don't know what man! The man! The man Scully yelled at! You know the man...
KAMI - Mulder, calm down okay...just a minute.
(Machine off)
(I calm Mulder down. It doesn't take long. Then we talk. It is decided that Scully could probably help clear up the mystery. We ask her to join the session).
(Machine restart)
KAMI - Scully, Mulder was telling us that the first time he fully realized he had been injured was just before he heard you yelling at a man who was in his room. Can you clear this up for us?
MULDER - Yeah, clue us in Scully. (He has brightened up since Scully came in. He is grinning).
SCULLY - (a quick laugh) He's talking about when Donnelley tried to get a statement from him. It was the day after the Brotherhood raid. April 7th.
MULDER - He got a lot out of me, huh? (there is a wry grin on his face).
SCULLY - (Laughs and squeezes M's hand). Not at that point...
MULDER - (His excitement makes him animated. He gestures flamboyantly with his good hand as he talks). I remember it, Scully. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. It was dark. I didn't know who he was. I couldn't really hear him that well and I didn't understand anything he said to me. It bothered me because I knew I should have answered him or done something...I, I, I can't explain it. I knew something was wrong with me. I knew this wasn't a dream. I knew something had happened to me and I wasn't like me anymore...I,I...everything was wrong...
(Mulder's excitement turns to tears. Scully hugs him and waves for me to stop the session).
(Mulder is calmed and given some water. He surprises both of us at how quickly he is recovering from emotional upsets lately. He claims he wants to go on).
(Machine off/restart)
MULDER - I remember when you came in. I could hear you screaming. You told him get out. I heard you.
SCULLY - (dryly) The whole floor heard me.
(We all laugh)
MULDER- You told him to leave me alone.
SCULLY - (She has grown serious, has tears in her eyes). Mulder, do you remember that was the first day you spoke? You said my name...(She breaks down, crying softly into her hands).
MULDER - Turn it off, Kami. (He waves at me frantically as he moves to comfort Scully). Off, Kami!
(Machine off)
END SESSION -KWW-
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December 15,1999 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Mr. Wagner,
I just read Kami's transcript of yesterday's sessions with Mulder. Tell her I really like the "color commentary." It works for me. I'm an emotional mess, so excuse this long and rambling report.
He's doing so well. He's becoming Mulder again. A person again. A whole person, complete. You know, I can't believe I'm telling you this but, I feel complete now. I've felt so hollow, since his injury. I felt like 'I' would never feel normal again.
He made Kami stop the tape, because I was crying. Do you know what that means in his recovery? It's such a big step. Mulder can now comprehend a reality apart from himself. He was able to recognize the emotions, the feelings of another person. That's the first step toward truly interacting with others. With his type of injury, the frontal lobe being involved like it was, I didn't think empathy was going to be possible.
Let's see. I think I'll try to bring the file up to the point when we met you. That would be almost three and a half months after Mulder's injury. I see that was June 1, 1999.
Mulder claims in Interview Session Three that he remembers me talking to him. I can confirm he was responsive, even that early, because while still in the ICU, he reacted to the stimuli of me squeezing his left hand by squeezing mine in return. As I've stated before, at no point was Mulder ever fully non-responsive.
At three months post injury a complete evaluation was done just prior to Mulder leaving PVH Neuro Care Unit. At that point he showed classic left brain injury symptoms --i.e., weakness, paralysis of right extremities, loss of language skills both passive and responsive. He was totally blind. There was no sign yet of any vision returning to his remaining right eye. (The surgery of course came later, as you well know, you made it possible) The hearing loss in his left ear was total and permanent. His spatial perception was almost non existent, especially pertaining to his right side. What this all means is that Mulder was blind, partially deaf, he could not speak, except for monosyllables, nor could he fully comprehend what was being said to him. He was paralyzed on his right side, and his brain refused to acknowledge that he had a right side, so even sitting up was impossible. He could not balance.
The medication had reduced his seizures and he had only had two Grand Mal in the entire month of May. He was fully conscious and aware of his surroundings. Emotionally, Mulder was either entirely passive or totally agitated. There was no middle ground. On his worst days, he was more than a handful. On his best, he was almost comatose. I knew that his time at the hospital was almost over. They'd done all they could for him. It was a primary care facility. He needed extensive rehabilitation, and if I was going to stay with him in Colorado, I needed a job.
If I had to work, who would take care of him while I was gone? It would be a fight all the way with the insurance companies to approve home care with the extent of his disabilities. The most cost efficient route was clearly placing Mulder in a nursing home. I hated the decision that lurked ahead. I even toyed with the idea of having my mother come stay with us to help out. But she'd been ill and Mulder was just too much for one untrained person to handle.
I knew I could find work in the Front Range area and there were several very nice rehabilitation centers right there in town all waiting to serve Mulder and his Blue Cross. It didn't make what I was going to have to do any easier.
But I never had to make that decision. Mulder and I received a call from you. Within the month we'd moved into Sky Watch and Mulder started making his way back to me.
-DKS-
<><><><><><><><><> CHAPTER TWO <><><><><><><><><>
FOX WILLIAM MULDER INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT - FOUR DECEMBER 24, 1999
KAMI - Mulder, do you remember coming here to Sky Watch?
MULDER - (who is very distracted on this day) Yeah,(pause) where's Scully?
KAMI - She went into Fort Collins.
MULDER - Why?
KAMI- You always ask that. (laughs) I think she went to the doctor...
MULDER - (quickly) Is she sick?
KAMI - No, Mulder, sorry. She went to your doctor to reup your medication. Maybe shopping, too. I don't know for sure. So, Mulder, do you remember coming here...?
MULDER - You asked me that already.
KAMI -(Kami is getting a headache, so there is a pause so she can grab something for the pain). So, what was your answer then?
MULDER - Yeah. How old are you Kami?
KAMI - Not now, Mulder, let's get these questions answered, okay?
MULDER - (Mulder sulks a bit, like a little boy). Okay.
KAMI - At that point, did you think about your future? Did you realize how badly you were injured?
MULDER - (rapid fire answers) No, yes.
KAMI - What?
MULDER - (He speaks as though explaining something to a child). No, I didn't think about the future. Yes, I knew I was messed up pretty bad.
KAMI - (pause) Do you know you're an asshole?
MULDER - Yes. (He is proud of this fact and gives Kami a grin that would melt Saint Mary's glacier in the winter).
KAMI - (laughing) Mulder, I'm 18...
(Machine off)
SESSION END (You don't have to put this in the file, Dad). -KWW-
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December 25,1999 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Mr. Wagner,
I just read Kami's latest transcript. This is what you have to look forward to. Meet the real Fox Mulder -- true asshole. I love it. I've missed him.
-DKS-
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FOX WILLIAM MULDER INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT - FIVE DECEMBER 26, 1999
MULDER - Let's try it this way, Kami. I talk, you listen. Okay?
KAMI - (laughs) Okay. (pause, Mulder is silent). So talk already!
MULDER - (He can blush. He laughs) Start at the top. Okay? (He forces himself to be serious. It works and his brow wrinkles in a frown). Did they have me on drugs when I first got here?
KAMI- Well, let me see. Ahh, not any more than they have you on now. Why?
MULDER - I guess it's the way I felt. It's like nothing felt real to me. My life, the world. I'm starting to remember things, but none of them seem real. Is this going to be real? What we say right now, is this going to seem real tomorrow, when I remember it? Will I keep feeling like it's all a dream? I don't like this. Kami, it scares me. Is it the medication I'm on? Or am I just going to be like this forever? (Mulder is deeply upset, but I leave the tape running. Maybe he is getting used to it, because he doesn't make me stop it).
KAMI - Mulder, you gotta ask people about these things. Ask the doctors, ask Scully. Don't wait till we have a session. Ask them when you first think of them. When they first bother you. You want me to get Scully right now? Maybe she'll know if it's a side effect of something they have you taking? Let's ask her if what they give you is supposed to make you feel like this.
MULDER - (a slight smile) No, she reads these things as soon as you type 'em up, Kami. She'll know. I'm okay. I'll ask her after she reads this. Or maybe she'll ask me. She's watching out for me. It'll get handled. (He reaches out a hand to let me know he's calmed down). I'm sorry, Kami. Scully'll take care of everything. Now that she knows.
KAMI - Yeah, Scully'll take care of it. (pause) She's more than your partner, huh? I mean you two more than just worked together?
(Machine off/restart...Dad, I really didn't mean to erase that part, all he said was he didn't understand what I meant. I promise, I won't get personal like this anymore).
KAMI - I better get back to asking what's on the list, okay, Mulder?
MULDER - Sure.
KAMI - Mulder, what I need you to do is try to tell me what you remember of your stay here so far.
MULDER - Does it have to be in order? And make sense? (laughs).
KAMI - If you wander too far, Mulder, I'll bring you back.
MULDER - You're not a redhead. I'm used to a redhead holding my hand.
KAMI - Can you see my hair, Mulder?
MULDER - Yeah, I know your hair's light. It looks like silver, Kami. I bet you have lots of boyfriends.
KAMI - Yeah, you see them hanging around here all the time, right? (Kami sounds bitter. Ignore her, okay?) We gotta get back to the interview, Mulder. If I don't get at least some of what Dad wants, he'll kill me.
MULDER - Sorry, Kami. I warned you. I still don't focus too well. (pause) Great. Give me a hand here. Get me started.
KAMI - Mulder, you remember Dad sent you to Denver? He'd set up surgery for your right eye. For the doctors to remove some bone fragments that they'd missed. You stayed a week. Do you remember?
MULDER - No, not really. I know it happened and I know I had the surgery to help me get some sight back. But really, the first time I think I realized I could see anything again was your birthday party. Isn't that weird? I couldn't see at all at first. Then I had the surgery and it made it so I could at least see shapes and light and all, but it didn't register with me that anything had changed. They did this light thing at the hospital but I'd noticed lights before the surgery. Maybe I followed it better so they thought I knew I was seeing. I don't know. I was just so out of it, it didn't sink in that I was seeing. I think it's the drugs, Kami. They make me feel dull, like I'm just going through the motions. Like I'm not really even alive. Does that make sense? I don't know if I'm explaining it right.
KAMI - It sounds clear to me.
MULDER - Good. I do remember little pieces of some things, like your birthday. You were dancing with somebody. Scully was sitting beside me, helping me eat some cake. I was still in the chair then. I saw the sunshine on your hair. I don't know, it just woke me up. I knew I'd just seen sunlight shine on a person's hair. I remembered it from before. So I knew I was seeing again. I looked over and saw Scully. I knew it was her. I remembered. I saw her different. But I knew it was her.
I wanted to know who you were. I needed to put a name to what I could see, so I asked Scully. It surprised her. She told me, "Mulder, that's Kami. You know Kami, don't you?" She didn't know what had happened. She didn't realize I really didn't see her before. That was how long after the surgery? What, almost 2 months and that's the first time I understood that I was really seeing again.
KAMI - You'd seen me everyday, Mulder.
MULDER - But I don't think my mind was letting it sink in 'til then. I started to remember things more after that. I don't know if I was walking any before then. I guess I had to have been, in therapy. But I remember, I started with the walker about a week later. Scully took me out to the back yard and I looked around. I was outside again seeing the trees and all.
Do people actually believe this is a Bed and Breakfast? I mean, who would come all the way out here to stay? There's nothing out here. It's in the middle of a cow pasture, for God sakes.
KAMI- (laughing) Dad's family has been here forever. People in town have always thought the Wagner's were weird. The Wagner's owned almost all of North Colorado. At least they did back during the cattle baron days. I think everyone believes Dad is the Colorado Howard Hughes. So nobody has really even questioned what Sky Watch is. They figure if S.A. Wagner wants to build a ranch and call it a bed and breakfast that never has any customers, well, it's his money. He can call it whatever he wants to.
MULDER - Okay, if you say so. (M. laughs puzzled, shakes his head).
KAMI - Has Dad shown you the basement yet?
MULDER - No, what's in your basement, Kami?
KAMI - Just ask him to show you the basement. (pause) Let me see, what's next? (pause) Oh, Mulder, this isn't a question about what you remember. Dad would like to know how you feel about the surgery next month.
MULDER - What surgery?
KAMI - Ahh... (Pause, thanks, Dad. Didn't you realize he might not remember this?) You're supposed to have reconstructive surgery on your eye and nose next month, in Denver, Mulder.
MULDER - Oh-h (Pause. His hand actually went up to touch the damaged side, Dad. He'd forgotten about that part of his injuries. Did you ever think we might have talked to him first? Kind of reminding him gently?) Can we stop now?
KAMI - Okay.
(Machine off)
END SESSION -KWW-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
December 29,1999 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Mr. Wagner,
Sorry I didn't get this written up for you sooner. I've just been so busy. I have taken care of two of the three problems that showed up on transcript and I have an idea on how to solve the third.
First, I talked to Mulder about his medication. I discovered that since the middle of November, almost six weeks now, he has been taking one fewer of each of his pills. I fussed at him and explained that is not how we adjust dosages. I talked to his doctor and Raposa said leave it. Mulder IS more lucid now. He has been since he pulled this stunt. We WERE over dosing him. I told Mulder we'd let it stay this way. He wants me to bring down the dosage even more. I reminded him how dangerous his seizures are and how he feels afterwards. Then we talked about how he has only been seizure free for two months. I suggested working on finding a new dosage after his surgery.
That brought up the second problem. With his sight the way it has been, and with much of his awareness just now returning, I don't think he had really dwelled on his physical appearance. I remember him discovering the damage the bullet had done in the hospital. The only response he made upon touching the scars and ruined tissue was a faint grimace. That's all the attention I'd noticed him giving his disfigurement. But he has begun paying attention the last two days. I caught him trying to see his reflection in the mirror that first night. Since then when he thinks no one is watching, he is touching the scars, exploring what happened. He is distressed over the discoveries he has made.
Before this happened, Mulder was not narcissistic about his looks, but I would definitely say he had a healthy, self-assurance that he was a good-looking man. Sadly, I don't think we've seen the worst of his heartache about this matter. I hope the surgery helps. He has been protected here from peoples, reactions -stares, rude comments, etc. We wouldn't want him to hide here at Sky Watch forever. More on this later.
So we come to the final problem. I think I have a way to make sure we don't have a repeat of the "Erased Tape" matter. A camcorder. Let the two of them continue the interviews. Mulder and Kami, while not following your script, are very productive. Just have her transcribe from the video. And we will tell them both, no machine off. No stops, once they start.
Mr. Wagner, I do think it's just a crush. Fox Mulder is an honorable man, even with all that has happened to him. He'd never do or say anything to hurt her.
-DKS-
*****
Kami,
Mulder told me what happened between you two. Don't worry, your Dad will never find out from me. I think you should tell him though. You know he suspects that you erased the tape to protect Mulder? I'm not angry, Kami, but I think you should put your father's mind at ease that you are perfectly safe with Mulder. Don't you?
Your asking Mulder whether or not we had ever had sex, doesn't bother me. We worked together for a long time. I think everyone at the bureau was wondering the same thing. I know you were suprised he wouldn't have sex with you. I think he sensed it was a game with you, or a challenge. Mulder, even with his problems, still knows that you don't play games with your heart. It hurts too much to lose.
Kami, some things go deeper than the physical. I think there's a certain bond we only find with one or two people in our lives. And that's if we're lucky. If you wait until you find someone with whom you can make that special connection, everything, even sex is better. Trust me, I know.
I understand how you feel about Mulder, though. I've known the man for seven years. There's something special about him that defies explanation. Believe it or not, I am human. I completely understand what you're going through.
He's fragile now, Kami. Be his friend. Love him. But don't play the games. Men are often easy to manipulate. Mulder was susceptible to feminine wiles, even before his injuries. But, I know you're above things like that. You're too mature to want a toy. And he's too good a person to be treated like one. Especially now, Kami. Don't do this to him. He trusts you.
Dana
(Dad, this needs to be in the file. I told Dana I was giving it to you). -KWW-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
January 1, 2000 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Mr. Wagner,
Well, I'm glad to see KAMIGATE worked out fine for all concerned. You've got a wonderful child there Mr. Wagner. You should be very proud.
Mulder's appointment with Dr. Raposa went great. We're leaving the dosages as they are and still no seizures. He is doing well in all phases of his therapy. His walking has improved. He shuffles less and seems more sure of his balance. He's having less trouble with the aphasia. He's more able to modulate his tone, to compensate for the hearing loss. The biggest miracle is in his memory and cognitive skills. It almost frightens me. I've been afraid to believe that he'd make it all the way back, but at the rate he's progressing that just might happen. He has already surpassed my hopes.
The bad news is I am seeing signs of depression. I've tried to talk to him, to help him to bring out the pain he feels over all he has lost, over what has happened to him. But he either can't or won't express what's inside. I'm frightened that the more aware he becomes, the more he'll feel the part that has been taken from him. I watched Mulder change, in the blink of an eye, from the man/child who was left after his betrayal, to the person I know and love, and then back again.
I know, as a doctor, the part of the brain that was most damaged was what we believe to be the seat of human emotion. I've seen patients who were lobotomized, witnessed the soulless creatures that are made by that surgery. When this first happened, it was my greatest fear that Mulder would be left like that. Thank God, it didn't happen. He surprised us all. He proved the doctors wrong.
But I can't help wondering, where do we go from here, Mr. Wagner? He wasn't supposed to make it back this far. I don't know what lies ahead and it worries me. Do you know? Do you have the answer, there in your files?
-DKS-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
FOX WILLIAM MULDER INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT - SIX JANUARY 1, 2000
MULDER - Well did you party like it's 1999?
KAMI - Stick to the program, Mulder. Big brother's watching.
MULDER - I guess that means you did. How's the tummy? Want some breakfast, Kami, eggs, bacon?
KAMI - Look if I call you an asshole, I'M the one in trouble, so shut up. We can't even turn the camera off...
MULDER - Camera?
KAMI - Yeah, we are now under video surveillance...
(Mulder has stumbled to the library door but I always lock it to keep people out while we are working. He doesn't know this and he is struggling to open it. He is panicked).
KAMI - Mulder, wait I'll get it open for you. No, Mulder, what's wrong? Mulder, Just a minute let me undo the lock. Please, just let me get by...
(Mulder will not let Kami undo the door. He doesn't hear her. He has a seizure).
(Machine off)
END SESSION (Why do you have to have the video of this too, Dad?) - one of the other subjects in your fucking files - -KWW-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
LETTER FROM DANA SCULLY written January 1, 2000
Kami,
What happened today is my fault. Not your father's. Certainly not yours. I take the entire blame. I'm the one who suggested the camcorder. I never asked him how he felt about being filmed. It was me.
You did great. You handled everything like a pro. He came through it fine. The blood was from hitting his nose on the carpet. He'll be up and around tomorrow. He wants to make sure you're okay, Kami. He feels bad about scaring you. If you feel up to it, could you drop by and let him know you survived okay? Thanks.
Dana
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
FOX WILLIAM MULDER INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT - SEVEN JANUARY 2, 2000
(This is from the video, I was not there for taping).
MULDER - Kami, I talk -- you type. (he laughs). On my own this time. Scully set it up. Told me what we were supposed to cover that last time. (pause) I'm sorry, Kami, about what happened. I panicked. I just didn't want to be taped. I, I...Yeah. (pause) I, I don't know what I look like. I guess I shouldn't care but... I mean, ah-h shit... ( Mulder stops, and it's a good two minutes before he speaks again).
(Enormous sigh) Sometimes, I gotta work at telling myself there's a reason I made it through all this. Sometimes, I don't really think I should have. I think that, maybe it might have been better for everyone if I hadn't. I feel like the fact that I'm still here is just some big, practical joke. So, I keep hanging around, waiting for the punch line.
Then I start thinking about you and your Dad, and Scully. It's like you all know something I don't know. You all know why I'm still here. Why I made it through. Like there was a reason I didn't die out there in that field, and if I don't keep trying, I'm gonna let you down. I think I've let too many people down in my life. So maybe this is how I pay all that back. You think? (Mulder stops and rubs a hand over his face. It lingers a second on his ruined side and he gives another sigh that is almost a sob).
(This is said low, more to himself than the camera). Okay, I can do this. (He lifts his head) Used to have a pretty good memory. Maybe there's enough left up there so I can do this, huh?
(clears throat) First question, what is man's place in the universe? (laughs) Nope, sorry. I'm joking. I just can't believe I have anything anyone would want to hear. Ha, (laughs again) I spent the last seven years trying to find the truth and be heard and now I say that.
Back on track, Mulder. Mr. Wagner wants to know how I feel about the surgery tomorrow. Okay. Ummm. I don't really know how bad I look but if there is some way to repair some of what was done, well, I'm for it. (laughs) Is that good enough? Can I maybe get a nose like Brad Pitt? Or who's that new one, Leonardo de... not Vinci... Caprio? Yeah. I gotta figure out a new career for myself. I might as well try teen idol, huh? (There's a very long pause. Mulder has his head down, thinking. Suddenly he looks up, almost like he has heard someone call. At first you can read surprise in his face, but then there's a quick flicker of hurt which turns almost instantly into a dark scowl of anger).
I do have some questions of my own, if anybody really cares. I guess not. I don't hear anybody saying anything.
First off. Why are you so interested in us, Mr. Wagner? It's not like we have access to any high level information. From what I hear, we probably should've come to you -- years ago. It would have saved Scully and I a hell of a lot of time and trouble. I understand you have the secrets to the universe in your basement. And you're slick. We had no idea about you and your little set up here. As far as I know, neither do the gunman... or the FBI. Nobody knows. Ever think of that Scully?
Have you ever wondered why they went to all the trouble of setting me up? Why me. Because, after seven years of searching and never finding shit, THEY...see I don't even know who THEY are...THEY are so worried about me, THEY decide THEY need to blow half my fucking brains out. But then Mr. Wagner here, who's just sitting in his little cow pasture, with his fucking mystery files in the basement...is allowed to continue his "search for the truth." Now, I gotta admit I'm one dangerous puppy, but doesn't that seem just a little odd to you Scully? DOESN'T IT?
(At this point Mulder gets up from his chair and totally wrecks the camera. And the library. And we get to see it all, live on tape).
(Machine off)
END SESSION -KWW-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
NOTES FROM PAT BARNES R.N. on F.W.Mulder Post operative care, January 4,2000
"...you seemed to be resting comfortably, all vitals checked out, when you suddenly sat straight up. I turned and rushed over. You stopped me. Just by looking at me. I swear on all that's holy, it happened. Then you started babbling, it wasn't any language I'd ever heard. I don't know what it was. But you were looking right at me. Through the bandages, I knew you could see me...
"Ah kuna na? Pat, vei guasha alhenu bahre, ah kunta nu?"
I knew what to answer you..."It's not me."
-FWM-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
February 2, 2000 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Mr. Wagner,
Well, I finally have time to write. I think, because of what happened the last two times, I'll do any interviews in the foreseeable future. I don't mind Kami being there, and I'm sure Mulder would want her, but you know how he has been. This last week has been easier. My mom has that effect on him. Isn't she great? Thank you for bringing her out. It was just what I needed.
Okay. Catch up time. Got my notes, the charts, everything right here. I'll try to connect the dots. Looks like the reconstructive surgery -- here we go again --surpassed all expectations. Doctor Carter is an odd one but he's a genius. An artist. His skill in replacing the bridge of his nose and eye socket was unbelievable. Scarring looks minimal. I'm glad Mulder decided to go with the patch. It makes him look rakish. He has always had some sort of pirate fixation. Go figure.
A note on the post op episode. Still don't know what caused it. It appears it was a onetime thing. Still frightening, though. That nurse quit, did you know that? Was it a drug interaction? Will we ever know? His blood chemistry is back to normal. And he's calm again, most of the time. As I said, my Mom is a life saver. She knows just how to handle him. Just what to say. He worships her. I hope she'll stay till at least after my birthday.
One thing does bother me. Mulder has started dreaming again. He woke me last night crying out in his sleep, so it must have been a nightmare. I tried to question him about it, but he says he didn't remember any of it. I don't really know why it troubles me so much except that his dreams are still nightmares. I'd hoped since he has had to live through the nightmare of what happened to him, if he ever did get a chance to dream again, they would be different now. It just doesn't seem fair, he's finally making his way out of one place of horror where his mind had him trapped only to stumble back into his old land of night terrors.
By the way, before I close. Has Mulder talked to you? He wanted to know if he could trouble you with getting him some information.I don't really know what has triggered his curiosity except that the blindness has him wondering if he could be developing a sixth sense to compensate for his loss of sight. Typical Mulder. Kami and I have read him some material from the internet, but it seems to be all hype. Mulder calls it "Fucking yuppie, crystal wearing New Age garbage." The man does have a way with words. He says he needs audio tapes on Edgar Cayce, Micheal Cremo and, believe it or not, the Book of Mormon. Hey, it'll give him something to do.
Can you help him out?
-DKS-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
FWM tapes - Wellington, Colorado
It's Wednesday, February 2, 2000. Maggie Scully got me this recorder, a get well gift. I think I'll use it to have someone to talk to. To keep my thoughts together. I'm glad they cut down on my meds...I, ah...I've halved the dosage again. Started two weeks ago. Everything seems to be fine. I'm starting to think maybe she wants me to be a zombie. I'm taking half of what she wants me to, and I haven't had a seizure since January first. What does that tell me? She knows how that shit makes me feel. Like I'm in ozone. Like I'm not real. I think she wants me drugged, so she can handle me. God, do I blame her? Shit. Shit. I was a pain in the ass before, what am I now? Why has she done all this for me? Why...my own mother won't deal with me. She called last month to tell me why she still couldn't come see me.
Scully just might be the only person I trust. I don't know if I trust her now. No, I do. She just thinks she's doing it for me. All for me. She does it all for me. I know she does.
End Tape
- DKS-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
FWM tapes - Wellington, Colorado
Wednesday, February 2, 2000. Great Day. Scully's mom got me this. A get well gift. Scully loves her being here. She looks a lot better, not so tired. Scully talked to Mr. Wagner. He's getting me some audio tapes he has on Cayce readings and he has the entire Book of Mormon on tape. I'm gonna give it a listen when I get done here. I never really gave it much thought before. The Book of Mormon. Great story, but not my type of religion. Not too big on choirs. But I keep having flashes of something I remember reading in there.
I'm going to use this for notes and a kind of diary. Let Mr. Wagner have some of them, too. For his files. Hey, Maggie. Aren't I supposed to have two blank tapes with this?
Dana Scully: (Barely audible) Mulder, you did when you opened it this morning. What'd ya do with them?
If I knew that would I be asking your mother. (lower) Did I put them up? What...
Margaret Scully: Don't worry 'bout it Fox, I'm always putting stuff up and forgetting where I put it. Don't worry. okay?
Sure, thanks Maggie. Shit, now I forgot what I was talking about. Ohh, yeah...The Book of Mormon. I read it first when I was a kid. Had a friend who was LDS. I used to go over to his house after school. It was great. They had like 20 kids. Everybody loved each other. It was like a sitcom. His older brother gave The Book of Mormon to me. Hard going but it was pretty fascinating. Then my Dad caught me with it. Didn't sit to well with him...neither did I after he got done.
Any way, I think this'll work out great. I'll make one of these a night.
End Tapes -DKS-
<><><><><><><><><> CHAPTER THREE <><><><><><><><><>
FWM Tapes Wellington Colorado
It's February 22, 2000. Tomorrow is Scully's birthday. Have to figure out something for her (laughs). I can remember her birthday, now after I get shot in the head, yet before, I always missed it. I'm supposed to be brain damaged now, so, what was my excuse before, stupidity? It reminds me of that movie, "Regarding Henry". Proof positive that a bullet to the brain can make even a lawyer a nice guy. I know several people at the bureau I'd like to try this theory on.
Holy shit. Damn, just a minute. Crap, that hurts. Feels like a knife right in the middle of my forehead. You know, science doesn't know why we have headaches. Maybe they should check Mr. Wagner's basement. He has the answer to every thing else down there, why not that?
I wonder if I should show Scully how to shoot baskets this year. A little one on one. Dream on Mulder. It would be a case of the blind leading the blind.
Damn, my head hurts. Can't think. Ah-h-h, where was I?
Oh, today's the anniversary of my execution. Maybe I oughta get Scully to take me up to the field to celebrate. She probably wants to finish the job, then she could get a life. You're such a bastard, Mulder. Look at all you have to be thankful for.
Oh God, it hurts. I can't take much more of this, it's driving me nuts.
END TAPE -WSS-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
February 22, 2000 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Mr. Wagner,
It was such a wonderful day today. I took Mulder with me into Fort Collins to do a little shopping. Nothing big. Just a stop at the grocery store and we poked our nose in at Long's Drug . The excursion went great. I was truly suprised, because Mulder's mood had been so foul this morning. He finally confessed he had a headache. I gave him a couple of Tylenol and after he rested a bit, he was fine. I was going on a supply run and suprised him by asking him to come along. HE suprised me by saying yes. It was his first time out in the public eye. Doctor visits don't count. He handled everything beautifully. It had to have been a culture shock after this long year of seclusion.
I guess it was just something he hadn't had to think about in so long, but he almost cried when I handed him his old Visa.I knew that he'd been wanting to get me something for my birthday tomorrow. Now, that's sort of hard to do with me right there, but he struck up a conversation with a sales girl and I believe she helped him out. They had made their decision and she was about to ring up his purchase when Mulder realized -- there was nothing in his pockets. It's been a year since he's needed to carry his wallet. I saw his face fall. That's when I remembered I had his card. I walked up behind him and slipped it into his hand. He didn't smile 'til the girl called him by name. He must have thought it was my card I'd given him. You know how long it had been since I've seen Fox Mulder grin like that? He even treated me to lunch at "The Back Porch." This has been the best day I've had in, well, at least a year.
You do know it happened a year ago today. I think Mulder knows, too. We didn't talk about it. I'm trying not to think about it. Still the memory of the way he was that first night in the ICU... No, I'm not going to do this. Just look at him now. Things are looking up!
-DKS-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
FWM tapes Wellington. Colorado
Today is February 22, 2000 and I feel alive for the first time in a year. Got up late and right off the bat Scully asked if I wanted to go with her to town. I couldn't believe it; no one has asked me before. I jumped at the chance. Gotta admit I had a few qualms when we first got out in public. I mean, I still don't know what I really look like. I didn't hear any screaming, and didn't notice that people stopped and stared, so I guess it's not too bad.
Went to a drug store and picked up some tapes for this damn thing. I don't know what keeps happening to them. I must just put them up and forget where I put them. So much for my eidetic memory. I asked the girl who works there what type I needed, and it hit me that I might see if she could help me get something for Scully's birthday tomorrow. She said "sure", so we picked her out a little something. I got her a Celtic bracelet, a design called the Guardian Knot. It means forever.
That's when I remembered, I wasn't carrying any money. I haven't been anywhere that I've needed it. I don't even know where my wallet is. Thank God, Scully was there. I hope she didn't see the gift, but I'm glad she was there. She saved my ass again. She slipped me a credit card, and I handed it to the girl. I thought it was Scully's card. I was relieved that I could pay for my purchase, and I knew I could just have her reimburse herself out of my disability check, but I hated making her pay for her own present. But what choice did I have? I gave the girl the card, she rang everything up then said, "Thank you, Mr. Mulder."
That floored me. It was my card. One that I had before. A scene from a movie I'd seen somewhere, sometime, popped into my head. I think it was with Steve Martin, because I can picture him running down the street yelling "I am somebody!" That's exactly how I felt standing there. It made me feel...normal. Like I'm a real person again. Finally. I'm getting a life. I have money. So, I treated Scully to lunch. I can't believe how good I feel.
END TAPE -DKS-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
FWM tapes
I gave her gift to her tonight...wait a minute. O.k. Today is February 23, 2000. Scully's birthday. I gave her the gift. She cried. I think she liked it.
END TAPE -DKS-
*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X*X
February 28, 2000 Sky Watch Bed & Breakfast Wellington, Colorado
Mr. Wagner,
I am furious. You won't believe it. I can't believe it. No, I do. I learned how things were years ago. Why doesn't this surprise me? Lies. Always lies upon lies. In the Denver Post, The Rocky Mountain News, The Fort Collins Coloradian. Jesus Christ! I can't believe they did this to him. There wasn't any reason. The raid on the Brotherhood went down without a hitch. There wasn't any need for a cover-up. There wasn't any public outcry. This wasn't like Waco, for God's sake. They did it just to put another nail in his coffin. That's all it is, plain and simple.
Why are they afraid of him now? He can't hurt them anymore. Haven't they done enough to him? Mr. Wagner, you have to help me. We have to bring them down. You have the resources. Isn't this why you hired me? To find the proof? We can't let them get away with this. Please, help me bring the sons of bitches down.
Dana
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FWM tapes Wellington, Colorado
Today is February 28, 200...no, it's February 29, 2000. I have to tell her about my dream. I know what's happening now. I've stopped all my medication. I don't need it anymore. It makes me so I can't think. It makes it so the change can't happen. I want it to come! God, it's all so clear. I am Adam. I saw myself, in my dream, and I am Adam, the first. I've found the passages I needed. I listened to the Bible last night. Also Cayce's readings. Why didn't I ever see this before? It all ties in so perfectly. It's all connected. Each truth leads into the next. It's all so clear, if you open your mind. I want to tell her what it all means, but she won't believe me. I know she won't.
She didn't believe me before. Now, she'll just think it's brain damage. This is a test. This happened to me, everything that was taken away, was my trial in the wilderness. You wander in the wasteland and you are given visions. They lead you to your destiny. I was blinded so I could see. But no one will believe me.
"Now Jesus himself had pointed out that a prophet has no honor in his own country." That is so true.
Nobody will listen to me. Wait. Mr. Wagner, I'll talk to him. I won't tell him everything. I won't tell how I found out about the power. But I'll show him the sign. He'll have to believe the sign, when he sees it.
Scully wouldn't. She would find some way to explain it. If I went to her and showed her how the blood stops flowing and the skin closes, she still wouldn't believe. I know her.
She is upset now. She has been all day. She thinks I don't know what happened. I know. I know they set me up. I know they put the blame on me. It doesn't matter. That was just part of the plan. The change.
None of it matters. I know what's coming.
END TAPE -WSS-
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FOX WILLIAM MULDER INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT - EIGHT February 29, 2000
SCULLY - Mulder, it has been a long time since we've dealt with this. I've been going through the transcript and I see there's one question that never really got asked...
MULDER - (Interrupts Scully. She doesn't see it but he looks really tired, or maybe it's pain). What? We missed a question? I don't believe it?
SCULLY - (She looks tired, too. She continues her thoughts). Mulder, do you believe you were set up that day out in the field near Red Feather? Do YOU think this was all just a plot to get rid of you?
MULDER - (His face twists with irritation, he winces and rubs at his patch). Scully, what does all this matter any more?
SCULLY - (His answer irritates her. All this matters to her. It matters very much to her). Well, we just need to know your thoughts on what happened. You know what came down afterward, don't you, after you were shot? You heard how they say the ATF stepped in and saved the day. Mulder, don't you understand, they're making you a fall guy. They're burying you.
NOW, there's no record that you were even assigned to go undercover. NOW, Skinner's gone, and Kersh is saying that your being with the Brotherhood is one of your insubordinate stunts. Mulder, in the past year, their whole story has changed. They have you playing the crazy, loose cannon who almost blew their whole undercover operation. There's no mention of Aramis. You were supposed to have gone in there, against orders, like you thought you were the Lone Ranger. They say it was lucky you were so sloppy. They say it was good that the Brotherhood found out about you and took you out, or you would have blown the whole operation.
MULDER - It doesn't matter.
SCULLY - (She doesn't see it yet, she hasn't noticed the look on his face. he's smiling). What the fuck are you talking about, Mulder? They took your life away! Don't you see? Can't you understand?
MULDER - You don't understand, Scully. None of it matters anymore. They can't hurt me now. Scully, I've changed. (Mulder gets to his feet. For some reason Scully backs away. It must be because she has finally noticed his smile). I need to show you something.
SCULLY - (She is no longer angry. She is now frightened. She doesn't know why, so her brow is puckered with a puzzled frown, but she is afraid). What, Mulder? What's wrong?
MULDER - Don't worry, Scully. Listen, we have to leave here. We need to find the answers. I know where they are and Mr. Wagner's going to help us. He promised to help after I showed him what I can do. Wait, just let me show you. (He walks over to Dad's desk. His back is to the camera and Scully).
SCULLY - (Her voice is a thin, fearful whisper). Show me what, Mulder?...(She walks toward him. Louder). Show me what, Mulder?
MULDER - (He turns. He is facing her and the camera. He has a pair of scissors in his hand. Scully moves closer). Watch. I have the power now, Scully. (Mulder places his right hand on the desk and stabs the point of the scissors through the middle of it. Scully screams. Mulder pulls out the weapon and shows her the wound as she makes it to his side). Now watch. (Scully is stunned speechless. Mulder's hand was bleeding. Now it has stopped).
MULDER - The skin will close. I make it close, Scully. See... (He stops suddenly, there's a puzzled expression on his face. He is dazed. He looks down, concentrating on the wound. He knows that something has gone wrong. His face twists). No... (Mulder collapses to the ground. He is having a grand mal seizure. Scully checks to make sure he won't hurt himself, then runs to unlock the door, calling for help. Kami and Mrs. Scully run in the room. The two women do what they can for Mulder while Kami turns off the camera. We've seen enough).
(Machine off) END SESSION
-KWW-(What is happening to him, Dad? He said he showed you, told you. What is going on?)
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From the Pen of -Dana K. Scully February 29, 2000 Poudre Valley Hospital
So, I finally succumb to adding to the chronicle. Will I show this to Wagner? Ask me tomorrow. I'm too angry at him today. No, better not ask me for a while. I think I'm going to hold a grudge on this one. This is not really about being angry, though. This is about not being able to trust that he has Mulder's best interest at heart. What makes it hard, though, is I'm going to have to start trusting him again sooner or later, aren't I? If I don't, then how can we stay here? If we can't stay here, where can we go? WE. Yes, it's still we. But, as much as I hate admitting it, Mulder scares me now. Why can I accept him with a damaged body, even a damaged brain and yet, I want to run, because I now find out his soul has been damaged.
Why didn't Wagner tell me about his and Mulder's little talk? Wagner actually believes him. He said he saw Mulder heal himself with his mind. It makes me ill to think that he could sit and watch a disturbed person cut themself just so he could discover if they truly had special powers. Yet that's exactly what Wagner did. He watched Mulder slice open his thumb just to prove a point.
But it did heal. I just looked and there is a faint, red, scar that wasn't there before. I know those hands like my own. I know each line, each mark and that thin etching on his left thumb is new. New from my birthday. A scant six days ago I kissed that thumb. He had given me my gift. I cried. His hand touched my cheek. I turned into it. And I touched that digit to my mouth. There was no cut or scar that night. And no hurt since could have healed so completely. Where did it come from? Can he heal himself? What has happened to him? I'm frightened.
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March 5,2000 Poudre Valley Hospital Fort Collins, Colorado
Kami,
Well, they've run the gamut of tests. Now they can't make up their minds. Left brain injury -- a schizophrenia type mental illness or congenital right brain defect -- bi-polar manic depressive. Should they flip a coin? One doctor claims we should be treating him for both. Mulder is relatively lucid right now. Why? Was there a miracle cure? No, he is back on his medication. It is as simple as that. Mulder has finally admitted he hasn't been taking any of them. Not a single one. His emotions are still unstable. They will be until he can get the medication back into his system.
We have switched him from Zyprexia, which was causing him to suffer that drugged feeling, to Resperdal. I worry about that though, because there is an increased chance for seizures. Yet, if he rebels again and stops taking all his medication, he'll have seizures anyway. So it's kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't, proposition. Resperdal has been seen to help more with the delusion factors of dementias so I'm pushing for it.
Right now, Mulder is in rare form. One of the early side effects of this new drug is dizziness. It should fade, but he cannot even make it to the bathroom by himself, without toppling over. His weak side causes him balance problems, in the first place, so he is covered from head to toe with bruises, bumps and scrapes. We've tried to insist that he use a wheelchair, just 'til the vertigo passes, but in his mind, that would be a catastrophe. So he tries to walk and since he refuses to wait for assistance, a good bit of the day is spent picking him up off the floor. I suggested a Foley catheter -- if looks could kill I would be dead right now.
So far, there have been no more delusion episodes. Mulder absolutely refuses to talk to me about what happened. He won't even discuss what he remembers about what happened with his therapist. I suspect he does have some memory of what he did to himself, because he has not asked question one about the wound in his hand. So he must know how it happened.
I am not one of his favorite people right now, because I have insisted he stay in the hospital until his condition is stable in regards to his medications. As you know, he hates hospitals and is hell on wheels.
Dana
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FWM tapes Wellington, Colorado
I don't know what date it is. If I had thought of it, I would have drawn chalk marks on the wall, like in the old prison movies. That's exactly how I feel, like I'm in prison. The warden has left for the afternoon. Her mother is flying home today. So, I at least have a few minutes to myself.
Okay, it was a crazy thing to do, cutting off my meds like I did. My problem is, I've got no way to pick and choose which one to stop. I don't know if they have the PDR on audio tape, but I doubt anyone would allow me access to it if they did. I hate this! I can't walk without falling over, I can't see 'cause of the mood lighting in this place, and the latest symptom from their frigging pharmaceutical roulette is chronic dryness of the mouth. I am constantly licking my lips. I don't have any control over it. My mouth has actually started bleeding a few times. The ointment they put on to help with the chapping tastes like shit. I just keep licking it off anyway, so I don't even know why they bother putting it on.
This is fucking crazy! When is this all going to end? I feel like I'm being punished.
Maybe I am. I know I did wrong, cutting my medication off. Scully tells me one of the drugs I was taking was to keep my heart rate stabilized. I could have stroked out.
It's just that I gotta get out of here. I AM going crazy in here. I need to talk to Wagner. But how? He never comes to visit when I've been in the hospital. I don't think he ever leaves Sky Watch. If you wanna know the truth, HE should be up here, except he should be on the psyche ward. Well, at least that part has been good. They didn't admit me to the psyche ward. I'm on neuro again. I just have to go down there twice a day for therapy.
I gotta get out of here. Scully wants me to stay 'til I've leveled out with my meds. That proves SHE'S crazy, too. I talked to Dr. Raposa and it could take six weeks before they know if all those pills are working right. I HATE THIS!
I know there's something I gotta do. I keep having that dream, where I talk to Adam. But it's me. I'm talking to someone who looks like me. Adam tells me about the powers. He says they're here in my mind. They're supposed to be in everyone's mind, but you have to want to find them. I guess I needed to find them because I got hurt. It's like I knew I could use them to heal myself. It explains a lot. I should have been dead or at least almost brain dead after what happened. I know the powers are real. I had Wagner convinced I have them. I finally told him about talking to myself in the dream, and finding that my injury has given me special powers.
God, it does sound pretty crazy. But I'm not crazy. I know the dream is symbolic. I know it's my subconscious speaking, but something really IS happening to me. I've changed. Maybe it's because I'm having to use a part of my brain I never used before. When I cut myself and showed Wagner, he believed me. I DID heal myself. There IS something going on. The key is the ruins. That's why I have to go there. If I go there, will I become this Adam? Is this the change that is coming? I can't figure out what it all means. But I know I have to go.
I have to play it cool though. I gotta figure out how to convince Scully. Wagner would pay for us to go there. I know he would. If I could just show her how I've changed without scaring her. How can I show her?
God, I hate this! I can't think now. It's the medicine again. I know it. I hate this. But, I'll play the game. I'll play HER game. I have to get out of here. I have to go to Mexico. Then I'll know what it is that's happening to me. I'll know the answers.
The change is coming.
END TAPE -WSS-
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From the Pen of -Dana K. Scully March 25, 2000 Poudre Valley Hospital
For two weeks, life was hell. But I think we finally have a handle on Mulder's treatment. Okay, I know, I thought that before, but now it's been two weeks and his improvement is marked. The addition of Prozac to his Risperdal seems to be the magic formula. No signs of lethargy, he's not a zombie. No depression, no agitation, no delusions, no paranoia (are we really talking about FOX Mulder here?) no headaches. He seems well. Truly well.
We go back to Sky Watch next week. I don't know what will come next. I've lost my trust in our benefactor. It's funny, I rarely speak to Wagner, but it appears that the man has become Mulder's new best friend. I can't believe it. Kami says the last time her father left Sky Watch was in 1997. That was to have gall bladder surgery. If they could have used the kitchen table, the eccentric recluse would have probably had it done there.
Yet he has visited Mulder every day this past week. I have to admit it makes me nervous, but Mulder himself has reassured me that their meetings are only because he is now researching the illnesses they've diagnosed in him. I'll just keep my eyes open and watch him. Really good Dana, who's paranoid now?
How many years was Mulder bi-polar? The CT scan shows that he just might have been born this way. I've known him for over 7 years and I knew he suffered from depression at times. I knew he bordered on being hyperactive. He always suffered from insomnia. At times he ate enough to choke a horse. At others, I couldn't get him to eat at all. And mood swings, oh brother. Why didn't I ever see it? Why didn't the doctors he went to for psyche evaluations ever see it? Did they pass the signs by because he was "Spooky" Mulder and his eccentric reputation preceded him?
These last 3 months, we leaned heavily on treating him for schizophrenia because of the damage he suffered to the left brain and the way dementia presented itself. The Risperdal will continue to keep those symptoms in check and now, Prozac will help the depression. I don't expect a miracle cure. I know he'll always have some "bad" days. But God, what an improvement.
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FWM tapes Wellington, Colorado
Today is April 1 and I have been sprung. I'm actually outside, in the fresh air. It's great. Even if it smells like cow shit out here, it's better than the smell of a hospital. I'm actually alone out in the back yard. They're probably watching me from the window, but I don't care. That sounds really paranoid, huh? Now that's even worse. I'm paranoid about sounding paranoid. Fuck it! I feel great.
I'm not experiencing any side effects from the meds. Of course, they've got me on about 20 pills. It's hilarious. They give me one pill, which causes a side effect, so they give me another pill to take care of the side effect. But that pill causes a different side effect. And they call me crazy.
I don't care, I finally feel normal. I finally feel like a normal person. Sure, okay, so I'm blind in one eye, can't see out of the other. And you'd better talk to me in my right ear cause I'm totally deaf in the left. I walk with a limp that a drunken sailor would envy and my right arm is so weak, I can't brush my teeth with it but, hell, that IS normal for me.
I have plans tonight. Mr. Wagner is going to help me. He's going to finance our trip to Mexico. We have it planned for late August. He wants a study done of the pyramids and ruins down there. And he knows I'm just the guy to do it. The new age, bullshit claims, are secondary. I've told him there are secrets to be found down there at these sites and Wagner believes in me. It's great. I'm back to work. It's an X-File. No, maybe we should call it a Wagner File. It doesn't matter.
I keep dreaming of these ruins. What the dreams mean, well, I'm lucid enough now to not even try to guess. I just know I have to find out why I keep having them. I'm hoping that going down there will trigger my subconscious and maybe I'll discover why I am fixating on all this. I know Scully thinks it's the tapes I've been listening to. Funny thing is, the dreams made me want to listen to the tapes, not the other way around.
Tonight I'll tell Kami about the trip. That way we'll all just gang up on Scully and convince her she needs a vacation. And Scully knows -- I'll want to go, because I need Scully. I always have. I think we can talk her into it. Maybe we'll even offer to take Kami. We'll just get her out of the house, too. I'll explain to Scully that it's a working vacation. She and Kami can go stroll down the Street of the Dead. Very educational. I'll gather information for Wagner's files. Maybe we'll stop off in Cancun. Scully would love it. We've never vacationed together. It'll be first class all the way and give us a chance to earn our keep. Well, I've convinced myself. Now, I have to convince my partner. Trouble is, she worries too much. After all, what could happen?
END TAPE -DKS-
End - Phoenix Rising