Denial and Faith

by pacejunkie

Charlie relapses into drug use and has a crisis when Eko’s church is nearly completed. A redemption story. Fifteen Chapters. Completed.

Title: Denial and Faith (Charlie/Eko/Jack/Ana)

Rating: T

Summary: Charlie relapses into drug use and has a crisis when Eko's church is nearly completed. A redemption story.

Warnings: Drug use

Status: Completed

Disclaimer: I own neither Lost nor the characters thereof.

Chapter One

Charlie

I'm using again. I have been for over a week now. It started after I got my stash back from Locke. Sawyer never knew I took the statues. I left two behind so he wouldn't suspect anything was missing. I'll deal with getting those later. I won't need them for a long time.

After Sawyer gave his speech to the camp about being the new sheriff in town and I got to enjoy the sight of Locke broken and humiliated I slipped away into the jungle. I had quickly buried the statues next to a familiar tree not far enough away from camp. I would find a better hiding place for them when I had more time. I laid them in the hole with their faces down so I wouldn't feel their eyes on me, judging me. I couldn't face them either. Five Virgin Marys.

I picked one up, closed my eyes and smashed it into the tree. Inside were four bags of heroin. I was like a kid with a piñata, but this wasn't candy. I stuffed the extras in my pocket excitedly and opened one up. I swear I could hear the drug beckoning me, calling my name. Charlie, where have you been? We missed you. I missed you too, I said to the little pinch of brown powder that was suddenly in my open hand. Just a little maybe. For old times' sake.

I brought my hand up to my nose and inhaled. The rush was a sensation I had almost forgotten. I felt warm and heavy, like I was melting into the earth beneath me. God, it was bloody fantastic. Why did I ever stop? Because Locke convinced me to give them up that's why. He held the promise of my guitar over my head. Well I've shown him. He'll never manipulate me again.

With that first fix I was celebrating. At least that's what I told myself. I could just hear my brother Liam if he were here. C'mon Charlie boy, he'd say, to the victor goes the spoils. Yeah, I'm spoiled alright, like a selfish brat. Who am I kidding? I wasn't celebrating. I did it to spite Locke, because I was able to take back what he took from me. In my way, I was sticking it to Locke by hurting myself. That's me, Charlie Pace, martyr extraordinaire at your service.

So what started as some masochistic celebration of sorts quickly became a ritual. Before I knew what had happened I was addicted again. That first hit felt so good I told myself if I take only small doses every so often I'd be able to handle it. No one needed to know. That was fine for two days. After that it became any excuse and I was quickly on a twice daily regimen—I need it I have a headache; I need it I'm in a bad mood; I need it the sun is shining; I need it I'm in a good mood; I need it Claire still isn't talking to me. Heroin became my cure-all, the magic elixir that made all my problems go away. I loved it. Hell, I was in love with it. It seduced me.

I'm still struggling to not increase my dose. It's the last bit of control I have left. I don't have a death wish or anything. I just don't want to feel any more pain.

Chapter Two

Charlie woke the next morning in agony. His muscles were so sore from hours of sawing and chopping wood for the past several days he could barely lift his arms. He had been helping Eko build his church, but he wasn't used to this much physical labour. It was starting to catch up with him and his body was protesting. He wondered how he was going to make it through the day. Then he smiled to himself as he answered his own question. He reached into his pants pocket just to check that it was still there. It was. His drugs never let him down.

Just a bit to feel better, he told himself. Think of it like Tylenol. Very strong Tylenol. Charlie left his tent and went out into his place deep in the woods where he liked to hide. It was a small clearing surrounded by trees and dense brush on all sides. Along one edge there was a large tree and a rock with a deep crevice between them where he had hidden the rest of his stash, still concealed in the four remaining statues. From the first statue he had broken open he had one baggie on him that was half gone and the rest of them were stashed in his pack.

Charlie pulled the baggie from his pocket and sat down on the rock. He took the rubber band off and opened it. "Reunited and it feels so good……" he sang with a smile as he remembered the old disco song from the seventies. He could always come up with a lyric to suit any occasion. His brother used to remark on that, and Charlie would do it to amuse him. Charlie was a source of entertainment to Liam. They eventually became drug buddies too.

He had to hurry because it was already mid morning and Eko would be waiting for him. He was getting sleepier now during the day but since there was no time to nap he found himself sleeping longer at night, sometimes up to twelve hours or more. He would finish working with Eko around sunset, have another fix to stop the shakes and then crash exhausted until morning. For now that was his existence—drugs, work, drugs, sleep. He ate when he could, although he had long since had any appetite so he ate simply to survive. There was no time for anything else.

He'd been making it through each day but barely. It was a bit of an effort hiding the signs from Eko, especially as the day wound down. By sunset he would be doubling up on his water intake, sweating despite the cool evening breezes on the beach, fighting to stay awake and stuffing his hands in his pockets to hide the trembling. Finally, he would make some excuse and leave because his mind could no longer think of anything else but the relief that awaited him in the jungle.

Charlie sniffed the small bit of powder in his palm, waited for the familiar rush to pass and then left to meet Eko. He strolled out of the jungle casually, feeling better already. His muscles had relaxed their spasms and he felt calm and comfortable. Works every time, he thought to himself, they ought to bottle this stuff and sell it. Who needs Tylenol.

Chapter Three

He arrived at the building site. They had erected the frame of the church building two days ago and were now working on the roof. The exterior of the building was nearly finished. Eko had been up for hours, and was sawing more logs when he saw his young assistant arrive.

"Good Morning, Charlie" said Eko.

"Morning" replied Charlie, cheerfully. "So, what's our plan for today?"

"Today we will finish constructing the roof." answered Eko as he worked, "My hope is that we will complete the exterior of the building today."

"You sure seem to be in a hurry" Charlie observed, as he bent to stack some loose logs on top of Eko's pile of uncut wood.

"I believe this church will be of great comfort to many of us." Said Eko, "I am anxious to see it completed so that I may get started with my true work, the work of God."

Charlie nodded silently and continued with his labour. He too had high hopes for Eko's church. He had hoped for some time that it would be a comfort to him as well. Maybe that was why he had been so intent on helping Eko from the beginning. It was like a part of him needed the church and wanted to see it built. Now as Charlie reflected on Eko's words he wondered what small part of him still believed in church and God. There was a time in his life when he would never have questioned such things, but a lot had happened between then and now. These days Charlie questioned everything, and as he did, he felt himself slip further away from the roots of his faith. He hoped the church would bring him back.

They worked silently through much of the day, taking only short breaks for water and food. Occasionally they would attract curious onlookers who would pass by, look and ask what they were building, but they never stayed long. Some would turn away uncomfortable upon learning that it was a church, as if they were embarrassed that they had intruded on something personal. Others were intrigued or pleased, but they all left to allow Eko and Charlie to continue their work. No one offered to help.

By late afternoon, Eko was standing on hand-made scaffolding laying wood planks across the roof that Charlie handed up to him. As they worked Eko remarked to Charlie, "I want to tell you that I appreciate the help you have given me. I am certain there are other things you could be doing right now."

"It's alright," said Charlie shrugging off the compliment, a bit uncomfortable with the praise, "I guess I must miss having a church around. I think it would be nice. I spent quite a lot of time around them as a kid growing up. Maybe it reminds me of simpler times."

Eko listened and nodded in understanding. Finally he spoke as if his words were difficult, "My brother would have been proud of this church. I wish to dedicate it in his honour. I only hope that I am a worthy enough man to lead it."

"I think you are," said Charlie, "After all, none of us is without sin, right?"

Eko looked down from the scaffold at Charlie standing beneath him. He was surprised how easy it was to speak to him about such personal matters. These were thoughts he hadn't shared with anyone on the island, but Eko felt comfortable around Charlie, as if they had some shared connection in their past and Charlie would somehow understand. Charlie once accused Eko of judging him because of his heroin addiction. If Charlie only knew, thought Eko. He didn't judge him. He felt responsible. Where does a priest go to confess his sins, Eko wondered.

"Tomorrow we will begin constructing confessional booths" said Eko. "While you are correct that none of us is without sin, confessing one's sins places one on the path to salvation."

Charlie stopped what he was doing as Eko's words struck him for the first time. He stood holding the last wood plank he had picked up. Confessional booths, thought Charlie, I hadn't thought of that. He was so hung up on the image of a house of worship that he forgot about the weekly confession ritual he used to perform. It had been a long time, he realized, years in fact. So much had happened. Confession? Where would he start? He remembered the time in the cave with Jack when he said the place reminded him of those little claustrophobic booths. He joked then that his confession might take a while. He was responsible for so much more since that time. Since the cave-in alone he had killed a man, lied, fought, abducted a baby, attacked an innocent and relapsed into heroin use. He felt each individual sin hit him like a brick and it frightened him. It was too much. I could never confess to all that, thought Charlie. After all that's happened I don't think even God would forgive me. The worst part was he was no where near ready to give up his drugs. He needed them. If confession meant cold turkey again, Charlie knew he wanted no part of it.

"Is there something wrong, Charlie?" asked Eko from above him. He had noticed the visible change in Charlie when he mentioned the confessionals. Charlie seemed distracted and Eko thought he saw Charlie's hands shaking.

Eko's voice brought back Charlie's attention. "Uh," said Charlie, his eyes searching for some imaginary escape route, "I have to go, I forgot I was supposed to meet Ana. We'll pick it up again tomorrow. I'll be back tomorrow, I promise." Charlie laid down the plank and wandered off.

Before Eko could say anything, Charlie was gone.

Chapter Four

Charlie went straight back into the woods and reached for his drugs. Confession, thought Charlie, hands shaking as he stared at the baggie. I can't think about that right now, he decided, I'll think about it tomorrow. He opened the baggie and had a fix, although it was a few hours earlier than his usual evening dose. He was hoping he wouldn't need a third that day. He had been trying not to use more than twice a day, but he reasoned that the shock of making confession caught him off guard. Charlie was willing to do anything to stay in denial.

After he calmed himself down he went out to meet Ana-Lucia on the beach. Since the balloon trek the two had gotten closer and had planned to take a sunset walk today. It sounded more romantic than it was. They had really just become friends and they were using this "date" as an opportunity to get to know one another better, although there were some things Charlie was not quite ready to open up about.

When Charlie reached the shoreline Ana was already there, sitting and watching the early evening tides. After their first encounter both Charlie and Ana realized that they shared a few things in common—both had confrontations with the Others which led to killings, both had made enormous errors of judgment that had caused them to be ostracized from the group for a while, they both tended to be a bit impulsive, sarcastic and even abrasive at times. But underneath the façades, both Charlie and Ana had soft centers that they tried desperately to protect. They were both sensitive, and had been hurt many times by many people in their lives. This was what made their connection run deeper than just their surface acts, and even though they had yet to discuss these things, somehow both of them knew it. In the eyes of the other, each one seemed damaged somehow, and maybe they thought they could fix each other.

Ana looked up to see Charlie approach but it was Charlie who broke the silence, "Waiting for someone?" he smiled.

"Yeah, but he's late," said Ana, "the bastard."

"Sorry," said Charlie, "got tied up with Eko. He's putting the roof on the church. It'll be done soon." Ana rose and the two started walking along the shoreline away from the direction of the main camp.

"You must be happy about that," Ana replied, "I know the work's been hard."

Charlie didn't respond. He appeared to have gotten lost in his own thoughts. Concentration ran heavy across his brow.

Finally, Ana asked, "Something on your mind?"

Charlie weighed his words carefully, "Do you believe in sin? I mean we've all done things that we regret right?"

"Yeah," said Ana, not sure where the conversation was going, "but I had enough of sin in Catholic school. Don't expect to see me sitting in the front pew of the church of Eko. The nuns turned me off permanently. I couldn't take all the guilt over the slightest thing."

"Is that all it is?" asked Charlie, looking at Ana with a serious expression, "Just guilt? I mean isn't there such a thing as absolute right and wrong? Confession is supposed to be good for the soul. At least that's what they say."

Now Ana knew he was talking about something in particular, but she couldn't tell what, "Is there something you need to confess?" she asked teasingly.

"No" said Charlie, a little too quickly. "I mean, we've all done stuff on this island that we never would have done otherwise. This is an unusual situation we're all in, right?"

Ana thought of her own island sins and she understood. She nodded, "Yeah, I guess you're right. Good old Eko is gonna have a line a mile deep for those confessional booths."

Charlie laughed, the thought that he wasn't alone in this made him feel better.

By this time they had reached the end of the shoreline, turned and were heading back. As they neared the start of their camp they began to see tents. Charlie was lost in thought again. Ana waited for him to speak.

"What do you think about faith, Ana?" he asked her.

"Faith in what?" she asked, "I learned a long time ago not to put my faith in people."

Charlie looked at Ana. Maybe that had been his mistake. Had he put faith in people only to be disappointed time and again? As if in response he looked over to the tents and saw Claire from a distance. He felt his stomach lurch.

"Claire said she lost faith in me when she found out I lied to her, but I lost faith in her as well. We'd been through so much together but she never wanted to hear about my problems. When I really needed her she threw me out." Charlie spoke of the memory as if it still caused him pain.

Ana felt sympathy and tried to reassure him, "I would never have done what Claire did. I know what it means to make mistakes."

"After all that's happened I don't think I have faith in anything anymore" said Charlie.

"You must have faith in something" Ana observed "or it wouldn't have been so important to you to get Aaron baptized."

Charlie looked at Ana. Another painful memory, he thought. "I guess I was trying to save him" he conceded, "but I wasn't able to save myself." He looked away, "Maybe I don't want to be saved."

They reached the end of their walk in silence, both deep in their thoughts. Charlie seemed weighed down by something. Ana wondered if there wasn't something going on with him that he wasn't telling her, something more than just past sins.

Chapter Five

Charlie

I can't go back. I thought I could at first but I can't. I felt a little better after talking with Ana yesterday. When I got back to my tent I told myself it wouldn't be so bad, that I could handle it. I could show up at the site tomorrow and start building those bloody booths. Just because they were being built didn't mean I had to make confession right? But I knew it did. Eventually it would catch up with me.

I had trouble sleeping that night. My thoughts raced and churned over this problem. I really didn't want to take three hits in one day, but finally I caved, just to calm my restless mind. I took a little out and did some right in my tent. I knew it was a risk. It wasn't like we had doors. Anyone could have walked by but no one did. Just this once, I said. I had to get some sleep. I'd make a decision in the morning.

By the time I woke up it was almost afternoon. The life of the camp buzzed around me, oblivious to the state I was in. I staggered out and went straight for my place in the woods. Eko would be wondering where I was, but I didn't care. I still didn't have the courage to go. The thought of the church completed scared me, as I felt the walls of my current existence closing in. I felt paralyzed. I didn't know what to do.

So in the end I sought the comfort of denial. Since I had slept so long it had been too many hours since my last fix. The first thing I needed to do was have another one. I escaped to my spot in the woods and took a hit. Then I lay down on the jungle floor and closed my eyes. I felt numb, and that was bloody perfect. It was just what I needed. Maybe if I had faith in anything, it was the heroin. It had never disappointed me. I stayed in the jungle all day. By the end of the day I had taken three hits again. I sensed a new pattern had emerged and I knew in my heart there was no going back. So instead I gave myself over to it.

Chapter Six

Charlie still had enough sense to know he couldn't hide forever. He spent the night in the jungle and the next morning, tried to get himself together. He felt tired, more tired than usual, but he didn't want people to come looking for him, so he forced himself upright. Using the rock as support, he pulled himself up and stood on shaky legs. He knew he wouldn't get through the day without another fix. He was hoping that this day he would get himself back down to only two hits, start to put himself back on track. He dug the bag out of his pocket. There seemed to be significantly less than a day ago. He took the smallest amount he knew he could take just to be able to function. Then he sat for a moment on the rock to collect himself, smoothed out his hair with his fingers and went to meet Eko.

He tried to float back in to the site as if nothing had happened. He hoped to avoid interrogation, but he reminded himself he didn't think Eko was the type anyway. Eko was there when he arrived, collecting more wood from the nearby edge of the forest.

"Hello, Charlie" said Eko.

"Hey" Charlie greeted in response. He avoided eye contact and tried to busy himself immediately with the stray logs on the ground. "So, back to work" he said.

"I missed you yesterday" said Eko over his shoulder "is everything all right?"

"What? Yeah," said Charlie, fumbling for his words, "I uh, had something I needed to do, that's all. Sorry."

"It's alright" Eko replied as he worked, "but I was unable to complete the roof. Instead I prepared more wood for the confessionals and today we will finish the roof."

"Great. Wonderful" said Charlie, as he turned away with an armful of logs. He took a few steps, felt dizzy and stumbled, falling to his knees and dropping the load. Eko turned and went over. Charlie was on all fours, catching his breath.

Eko grasped his arm and helped Charlie up. "Are you sure you're all right, Charlie?" he asked. Eko looked at Charlie for the first time that day. He seemed tired and jittery. His eyes were sunken and bloodshot.

"Yeah, I'm fine" said Charlie, pulling his arm free from Eko's grasp and protesting a bit more loudly than he intended to. "I just tripped that's all. I'll get it." He started gathering the load of wood back up in his arms.

Eko watched him for a moment and then returned to his work. A short time later they returned to the task of completing the roof. They spoke little. They were a day behind and Eko wanted to catch up but Charlie didn't seem like himself. They worked through the morning, but Charlie was distracted. He kept dropping things and then making excuses. He appeared on edge.

Finally they reached midday and took a break. They sat on a large log they used for a bench and had some water. Charlie didn't speak but appeared deep in thought.

"Is there something bothering you Charlie?" asked Eko.

Charlie evaded the question. "How long do you think until the whole church is finished?"

"That is difficult to say" answered Eko, "Perhaps another week, maybe more. But we do not need a building to seek God. God is wherever we let Him in. If there is something troubling you, we can discuss it here."

When Charlie did not respond, Eko turned to look at him. To his surprise he saw that Charlie had fallen asleep sitting up. His chin was on his chest as if he had just nodded off. Eko's concern grew as he reached out and touched Charlie's shoulder to wake him.

"Charlie?" asked Eko.

Charlie woke instantly as if from a spell. "What?" he asked, "What was it? I'm listening."

Eko looked hard at Charlie and thought. Finally he spoke, "Charlie, why don't you take the afternoon and rest? I can work today on my own and you can get your strength back."

"No, I'm okay. Really" said Charlie, but this time his protest came out weak. Eko continued to look at Charlie but did not respond, so Charlie took the opportunity for a way out. "Okay" he said, "But I'll be back tomorrow. I promise I'll do better."

"That would be fine" said Eko.

Charlie stood slowly, stretched and left. As soon as he was gone, Eko went to find Jack.

Chapter Seven

Eko found Jack on the beach outside his tent.

"Jack, may I speak with you privately?" he asked the doctor.

Jack looked at Eko, trying to read the subject matter off his expression. "Sure" said Jack. He looked around his tent and saw no one nearby, so Jack motioned for Eko to come in and sit down. "Is it something medical?" he asked to start things off.

"Possibly but it is not about myself" Eko answered, "I think I may have made a mistake."

"A mistake?" asked Jack, confused.

Eko wasn't quite sure where to begin. "The statues of the Virgin Mary, you have seen them?" he asked. Jack nodded and Eko continued, "They came from a plane that crashed on this island. My brother was on that plane. When I discovered from Claire that Charlie had one of these statues I became angry and I broke it open in front of her, revealing the drugs that were inside. I went to Charlie and demanded that he take me to the plane to find my brother. We destroyed the plane together."

Jack was trying hard to follow a story that seemed full of holes. He shook his head, "I'm sorry, but you said you made a mistake?"

"I knew about Charlie's heroin addiction" Eko continued, "But still I gave him a statue before burning the plane, to replace the one I broke. I'm afraid I did this to ease my own conscience, but now it appears I may have harmed him."

"Why do you say that?" asked Jack, realizing for the first time what this conversation was about.

"Because Charlie has been acting strangely" Eko responded, "He has been working with me to build the church and we have spent quite a bit of time together. Lately he has not been himself. Yesterday he did not come to help. Today he was distracted, stumbling, and while we were talking he suddenly fell asleep. I am telling you this not only because you are a doctor, but because I also know you are his friend."

Jack was truly alarmed by what he had heard. Could Charlie really be using again, he wondered, after all he went through to give them up the first time? It was true that Jack hadn't seen him lately. Charlie had been busy with the church and the building site was a bit of a distance away from the camp. At least that's why he thought he hadn't seen him and had thought nothing of it. Maybe Charlie was avoiding him. Concern fell over Jack's face like a shadow as he said, "Well, I appreciate you telling me this. I'll go talk to him and check him out."

"Thank you" said Eko and he rose to return to his work.

Jack asked around to see if anyone knew where Charlie had gone. Most hadn't seen him. Finally, he found someone who pointed in the direction of the jungle and indicated that he had seen Charlie enter not long before. Jack went off in search of Charlie.

When he left the building site Charlie knew he was feeling hung over from his binge of the previous day. Truthfully, he should have gone to his tent to sleep it off but instead he went straight back to his jungle hideout. He couldn't admit to himself why he went there but deep down he knew. When he arrived he looked at his watch. It was still early in the afternoon and already he was shaking and sweating. Charlie promised himself he would get back down to no more than two hits that day but after counting the hours that still remained, it quickly became clear that there was no way he was going to hold out that long. Only one more hit and no more until tomorrow, he thought. No bloody way.

He tried some quick calculations in his head to see if there was any way he could delay his first hit the next morning and make it through with only two tomorrow, but truthfully he didn't see that happening either, judging by the way he felt right now. Maybe I didn't take enough this morning, he wondered. He couldn't understand why he needed another fix so badly so soon. He sat on the rock, fiddling with his hands, his leg bouncing unable to sit still. He checked his watch again. He'd never make it, he decided. Charlie stood up in resignation and took the baggie from his pocket. He'd have one fix now and then another later that night and that would be it. Charlie also decided to take a little more than he had that morning, just to make sure he'd make it through to the night. Charlie shook some powder out into his hand and inhaled it.

Jack saw the whole thing while hiding a short distance away in the bushes. He had tromped around the woods for nearly half an hour and was about to give up when he spotted the small clearing in which Charlie stood. He crouched down low and watched Charlie fidget around, agitated and shaking. He saw him look at his watch. Jack wondered what he was thinking, whether he was counting the minutes to his next fix. Then he saw Charlie take out the bag and he knew. His face fell in disappointment. Jack's impulse was to run in and stop him but he knew that would only make Charlie sneakier next time. If Charlie wanted to do this there wasn't much he could do, Jack reasoned, unless he could get him to open up and admit to himself that he needed to quit. Jack waited to make sure Charlie seemed all right after his fix and then quietly slipped away before he was spotted.

Two hours later Jack saw Charlie on the beach gathering wood needed for the evening's campfire. Jack approached him as casually as he could.

"Hey, Charlie" said Jack.

Charlie looked up when he heard his name, "Oh, hi Jack."

"I haven't seen you in a while, how've you been?" Jack asked.

Charlie considered the question and why Jack would ask it. He answered a bit defensively, "Fine. I've been fine. Why?"

"No reason" Jack replied, "Just thought this would be a good time to catch up." Jack sat down in the sand next to the campfire Charlie had built.

Charlie looked at Jack suspiciously and smiled, "Okay". He piled the remaining wood in the campfire circle and sat down next to Jack.

"You been feeling all right lately?" asked Jack.

"You sound like you've been talking to Eko" said Charlie.

"He's just concerned about you" Jack replied, taking in Charlie's pale, haggard features. "You don't look good" he observed.

"Gee thanks," Charlie quipped, "and yet I try so hard."

Jack laughed. "Really" he said, "I want you to know if there's anything you want to talk about, you can trust me."

"I know," Charlie responded, "and thanks, but just not now alright?"

Jack nodded, feeling disappointed that the situation was going to drag itself out, "Okay, but I mean it. I'm here, anytime. Got that?"

"Yeah" said Charlie, "Got it."

Jack rose and left, feeling that was all he was going to get for the time being. It pained him knowing what he knew and yet being helpless to do anything about it. Charlie was going to have to deal with this on his own, he reasoned, hopefully sooner rather than later, before something awful happened.

As Jack walked back to his tent consumed by his own thoughts he was stopped by Ana-Lucia. She had seen Jack talking to Charlie and now she had questions of her own.

"Jack, can I talk to you?" she asked.

Jack tried not to show his impatience. He had enough for one day, "What is it Ana?" he sighed.

"I saw you talking to Charlie. Is there something up with him?" asked Ana.

Jack stopped walking and looked at her, "Why do you ask?"

"We were talking the other day and I don't know he just seemed bothered by something. I think it had something to do with the church, but he wouldn't say what. I was hoping you could tell me" said Ana.

The church, thought Jack, well I could certainly understand why he'd feel guilty. Instead of sharing this thought, Jack said, "Charlie's……dealing with some things, but I'm sure if he wants you to know he'll tell you."

Ana's face grew heavy with concern mixed with confusion. She had no idea what Jack was insinuating.

Jack observed her expression. "Ana, if I didn't know any better, I'd say you were actually starting to care for somebody" he teased.

Ana smiled, quickly covering for her vulnerability, "Who me? Nah. Thanks Jack. See ya."

Jack waved and smiled to himself. Well that's one way to get rid of someone, he thought.

Chapter Eight

Charlie

He knew. Jack suspected something, I could tell. There was something in the way he looked at me, like he could read my mind.

The problem was that bloody church. If I hadn't been so worried about the idea of confession then none of this would be happening. At least I had managed to put it off by one day. By staying away that time it had set Eko back and now the building was another day away from being finished. It made me wonder if I could put it off even longer. If something were to happen to the church it would also get the attention off of me for a while. It was starting to feel a little hot under all these white lights. I didn't like the attention I had been getting lately, and all because of that church. I wasn't ready to confess. The heroin was the only thing holding me together and I couldn't stop. I didn't want to.

That night after Jack's "examination" I did another hit for courage and then went off in search of Eko's tools. I knew where he kept them and only needed one. I dug through the pile and came up with the axe. This couldn't happen, I said to myself. We can't have a church. I headed to the standing frame of the building. At first I just stood and looked at it in the moonlight. It seemed so innocent. It was just a building, after all. If only I could take an axe to my conscience, but this would have to serve as the next best thing.

I stood there until I felt the anger rise up inside me above my fear. It had been so long since I'd felt anything. I thought of all the people that had hurt and disappointed me in my life. I thought of my father, of Liam, of Locke and Claire. I thought of Ethan. Finally when I felt ready to explode I picked up the axe and swung at one of the corner posts of the frame. It took several swings before the post gave way. The sound of the roof caving in was loud and sickening. The realization at what I had done made me angrier and I kept swinging, chopping the supporting beams into bits, hoping to exhaust myself as the only means to an end to this madness. I couldn't confess, I couldn't repent and I couldn't stop.

Chapter Nine

Eko awoke in the middle of the night to the sounds of destruction. He had been spending so much time at the building site that he had taken to sleeping nearby to avoid the commute from camp. He also found it more peaceful on the outskirts of the beach, at least it usually was. It sounded like something very large had collapsed. When he awoke fully he realized the sounds were coming from the church.

He got up and ran to the site and saw a figure, shrouded in darkness, hacking away at the pile of rubble that used to be Eko's church. Eko felt rage like he hadn't felt in many weeks, not since he was forced to take the lives of two strangers who tried to abduct him. He ran for the figure and tackled him with his full force, knocking him to the ground. The weapon flew out of the perpetrator's hands and he tried to scramble for it madly but Eko held him face down, pinning his arms behind his back.

"Stop!" he yelled, "Who are you?"

The assailant said nothing but continued to flail and struggle. Eko held him down easily and realized that he was not large. Then Eko's eyes adjusted to the moonlight and he recognized him.

"Charlie?" said Eko in shock, "What are you doing?"

"Get off me!" Charlie yelled, "Let me go!"

"Why would you do this?" Eko demanded.

"I can't do it" said Charlie, still struggling under Eko's weight and holding back tears, "I can't have a church."

Eko still held fast to Charlie's arms, but his rage was now tempered with compassion. His thoughts shifted focus. This young man is deeply troubled, thought Eko, perhaps this is my purpose here. God has sent him to me so that I may help him. "Charlie" said Eko, "I understand you have problems but you need to give them over to God. God will help you. You can't do it alone."

Charlie relaxed and stopped struggling. He lay still, breathless. When Eko felt that he had calmed down he released his grasp. Charlie regained his composure and put his defenses firmly back in place. He stood and with a cold flat expression looked down at Eko still kneeling on the ground. "I'm not ready to repent" he said then he turned and walked away.

Eko was left alone amid the ruins of his labour of love.

Charlie returned to his jungle spot, groping his way in the dark helped only by the light of the full moon. He had been there so often that he could easily find it in the dark, and at the same time he hoped it would ensure that no one would find him. He couldn't face what he'd done. Eko had been so good to him and he only realized afterwards how badly he must have hurt him. The realization caused him a pain he didn't want to feel.

Charlie had his baggie in his hand before he even reached the rock. He sat down on the jungle floor. Even though he had taken a fix less than two hours ago Charlie felt the urge more than ever. He didn't want to feel anything anymore. He was exhausted from feeling pain and causing pain to others. He didn't know how to make it stop. Charlie began to cry as he emptied the powder into his hand, straining to see in the darkness. For an instant, he contemplated taking too much on purpose, but Charlie didn't want to die. He always had a strong survival instinct and never seriously considered suicide, not even now. He just wanted to sleep, and it would all seem better in the morning. He would find a way to make up for what he did then get himself back on track. I've just been using too much, he thought between sobs, it happens. I'll just make more of an effort to cut back and it'll be okay. Charlie snorted the powder in his hand, laid down on the ground pulled his knees to his chest and cried himself to sleep.

Chapter Ten

When morning came Eko returned to the site where his church once stood and methodically began clearing away the debris. As he worked, he thought hard about what Charlie had done. Charlie was afraid; afraid to stand in judgment before a God who knew all his sins. Eko was reminded of his own past sins. For many he had repented, but there remained some that he had yet to face. Eko had never seen someone consumed by drugs until he met Charlie. He had convinced his brother Yemi and himself that by flying the heroin out of Nigeria he would be protecting his own people. Eko now realized that he too was in denial. He would not allow himself to consider where the drugs would be taken or who would use them. Was God punishing him, thought Eko? Dealing in drugs and handing them to an addict were terrible sins. Was this God's way of telling him that he would not be fit to lead a church until he had become fully repentant?

Eko was no longer angry at Charlie. He felt pity, and believed more strongly than ever that the church would lead to salvation for them both.

Ana-Lucia was making her way to Eko's building site. She was looking for Charlie. After her brief conversation with Jack yesterday she was now convinced that something was going on with him. She was determined to find out what it was.

She stopped in her tracks several meters away when she realized she did not see the familiar sight of the frame standing. The only thing that now stood on the plateau was Eko. He appeared to be carrying armfuls of lumber away from a large pile. Ana quickened her pace.

"Eko" she called, "What happened?"

Eko looked up at Ana but did not respond. He resumed his work. Ana stared at the site in disbelief. She did not want to be faced with Eko's incorrigible silence. Not now.

"Are you gonna answer me?" she demanded.

Eko looked at Ana, his expression unreadable. "It was an accident", he replied.

Ana merely shook her head in confusion. The sight of the church in ruins caused her to forget the reason she had first come. Then she turned back toward the beach and saw Jack.

Jack was heading over to the church site to check on Charlie. He promised himself that he would watch him more closely for the time being until he could figure out a way to convince him to give up the drugs. When he approached he saw Ana and Eko. Eko was moving armfuls of logs and Ana just stood there watching him with her arms crossed. As soon as he reached the site Jack knew something was wrong. He knew there had been a standing frame of a building there yesterday.

Jack's eyes opened wide in alarm when he reached the plateau. "Eko, where's Charlie?" he asked, fearing his own suspicions.

Eko responded but did not cease his work, "I have not seen him for several hours."

Ana considered Eko's words. Several hours? That would have been the middle of the night. Suddenly it dawned on her.

"Did Charlie do this?" she demanded in a panic.

Her question went unanswered as Eko stop working and turned to Jack, "Jack, Charlie was extremely distraught. I am concerned for him. I am afraid he may try to harm himself."

Jack turned to Ana who was already staring at him, hoping for an explanation. Before she could speak, Jack said, "Ana, stay here and help Eko. I think I know where Charlie is but I need to go alone."

"Jack I want to help" Ana insisted, "I have to know he's okay."

"Ana please" said Jack, "You don't know the whole story. If you really want to help Charlie then you're just gonna have to trust me right now." Jack indicated towards Eko. "He could use a hand."

Ana paused and look back towards Eko, clearing away the wood in silence. The tone in Jack's voice told Ana that she should not attempt to argue further. Instead she called to him as he turned and left, "Jack is Charlie alright?"

"I don't know" he called back over his shoulder.

Ana watched Jack until he could no longer be seen. Then she turned back and began picking up stray pieces of wood, lost in her own thoughts.

Chapter Eleven

The first place Jack went to was Charlie's tent. Although he knew he was unlikely to find him there, he thought it would give him an opportunity to search for Charlie's stash. He had been willing to let things play out until he saw what Charlie had done to Eko's church. Now Jack realized he no longer had the luxury of time.

As expected, the tent was vacant. Jack went inside and began searching furiously through Charlie's bags. He opened the guitar case and checked inside the hollow center of the instrument. He looked everywhere he thought drugs might hide. Finally he spotted the pack Charlie took on jungle hikes. It had been half buried under a pile of clothes. He grabbed the pack and tore through every compartment. In an inside zippered pocket he found three small bags of heroin. Jack pocketed the drugs and raced to his tent to grab his own pack. Then he set off into the jungle to find Charlie.

Jack arrived at Charlie's hideout in the jungle. At first he didn't see him there. Then he circled around the large rock and found him lying on the ground. Jack's breath caught in his throat and his body tensed with the fear that Charlie was already dead from an overdose. He recovered his senses quickly and knelt down beside him to check for signs of life. He found a pulse. Charlie's respiration was slowed but Jack knew that was the effect of the drug. Gently he checked to see if Charlie was awake.

"Charlie" he called quietly. Charlie moaned and turned away from the offending sound. Jack let out a sigh of relief. He seemed to be in a drug induced sleep. Jack took the opportunity to search the immediate area for more drugs. On the ground near where Charlie lay Jack found a near empty baggie of heroin. He knew there had to be a larger stash somewhere. He picked up the baggie and scanned the clearing for hiding spots. If this is where he comes to do his drugs it must also be where he hides them, Jack reasoned, and ten to one says they're still in the statues.

He peered between the rock and the tree and found a deep crack. Reaching in his hand touched something cold and hard. He pulled out a Virgin Mary statue. He reached back in until he had recovered four in all. He put the statues with the opened baggie into his pack. Then he sat down on the ground and waited for Charlie to wake up. As he waited Jack prepared himself for Charlie's likely reaction when he realized his drugs were gone. Whatever it was it wasn't going to be pretty.

Chapter Twelve

An hour passed and Charlie opened his eyes. He looked around and sighed. Still on the bloody island, he thought. The very notion of a new day made him feel weary. He lifted his head and arms with much effort and pulled himself up to sit. When he did he noticed Jack, seated a few feet away staring at him with a severe expression. Maybe I'm dreaming, thought Charlie, and he rubbed his eyes, closed and opened them again. Bollocks, he's still there, he realized. Finally Charlie found his voice.

"Jack?" he asked sleepily, squinting from the harsh glare of the sun, "What are you doing here?"

Jack didn't answer right away. The silence made Charlie uneasy. Then Jack answered, "I came here looking for you."

Jack was acting strangely. Charlie got a sinking feeling and instinctively felt for the security of his drugs but his pockets were empty. Jack continued to stare at Charlie like a marble statue. Charlie began to panic. He searched the ground around him. Nothing. Then, without regard for his secrets because a part of him already knew what he would find Charlie crawled over to the crack behind the rock. His drugs were gone.

Charlie spun back towards Jack, face full of fear. "What did you do?" he demanded, "Where are they?"

Jack responded calmly, hoping to appeal to whatever sense of reason Charlie still possessed. "Charlie you saved my life once. I told you then that I wouldn't forget it. I'm not going to sit back and watch you do this to yourself."

Charlie was speechless. He needed those drugs. His every thought was now focused on getting them back. He looked to Jack's side and noticed his pack on the ground. He was sure they were there, he could practically hear them calling to him from inside the bag, calling out to be rescued.

Charlie shook his head in denial, his fury rising, "You can't do this to me!" he shouted, "You have no bloody right! Give them back!"

As he shouted Charlie lunged for the pack. Jack grabbed onto it and held tightly. With both hands and some hidden source of strength Charlie pushed Jack backwards onto the ground. With his knee on Jack's chest Charlie pulled at the bag, but Jack held on. Charlie made a fist and punched Jack in the jaw. Jack struggled to defend himself at the same time he tried not to let go of the pack. Charlie was in a blind uncontrollable rage.

Jack didn't want to hurt him but he knew that he would have to try and push him off and subdue him somehow. Charlie seemed to have a strength that Jack had never seen, power fueled by drugs. Charlie was still pulling at both the bag and Jack's hands, trying to loosen his grip. Then suddenly, just before Jack was about to make one valiant effort to escape, he found Charlie's hands around his neck. He was squeezing, shutting off Jack's airway.

Jack stared up in horror at the cold wild glare of Charlie's eyes. It was as if Charlie didn't recognize him anymore. "GIVE THEM TO ME!" Charlie screamed, "OR I'LL KILL YOU!"

Chapter Thirteen

Jack was struggling for breath when something in Charlie snapped. He looked down to see his own hands around the neck of his friend and realized what he was doing. He released his grip and pulled back at once as if he had been burned. Charlie scrambled away on the ground in horror, putting a safe distance between himself and Jack. He no longer trusted himself and the realization filled him with fear. He shook with chills from the shock then he burst into tears.

"I'm sorry, Jack" he cried, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry."

Jack sat up and rubbed at his neck. Then he crawled over to Charlie and put an arm around his back as Charlie lay curled up face down, wracked with uncontrollable sobs.

"It's okay" said Jack, "Just let it all out."

Charlie cried openly for several minutes, releasing all of the pain that had been building up inside him for the past two weeks while he had anesthetized himself with heroin. He realized that his problems had never really gone away; the drugs had just pushed them down deeper like packed earth. For the first time in weeks Charlie felt true emotional release.

Yet still his body craved the drug and Charlie remained petrified of withdrawal. So in a last ditch effort, Charlie made a desperate attempt to spare himself more pain.

"Jack" Charlie whispered with his face still buried in his arms, "I'm begging you. Please. You have to give them to me. I can't face withdrawal again. I won't do it. I'd rather die."

Jack shook his head in sympathy, "I don't think you mean that. It doesn't have to be like last time. There are less painful ways of doing it. We can wean you off slowly; use other medications for the cravings. I can help you, but you have to trust me."

Charlie didn't respond but lay still, gathering his strength and collecting his thoughts. He didn't know which would be more difficult to endure—the pain of withdrawal or the pain of living. One thing was certain though, Charlie knew he wanted his life back.

After several more minutes Charlie wiped the tears from his face and rolled over onto his back. He saw Jack sitting up next to him.

"Have you ever been religious Jack?" asked Charlie.

Jack shook his head, "There wasn't much room for religion in my family. The only things my father worshipped were his career, his liquor and himself."

Charlie smiled. "The only person in my life who ever really listened to me was my priest" he said, "I guess that's why I felt so close to the church growing up. Religion became my first means of escape. 'The opiate of the masses' isn't that how it's described? Later on when the band got big and I moved away from it I guess I just replaced one opiate with another."

Jack didn't respond. He just sat, taking it all in, learning more about Charlie than he ever knew. After a pause Charlie continued, his thoughts pouring out of him with a new sense of clarity.

"I know you don't believe in all the talk about this island" said Charlie, "But I think maybe the island has sent Eko and his church to me to get me away from the drugs."

Cynically, Jack considered the irony of that statement, knowing that Eko had been the one to hand the drugs over to him. Despite that act, Charlie still thought of Eko as a good person, someone who was there to save him. Charlie's admission was made even more ironic by the fact that Charlie himself had destroyed the church just hours before.

As if reading Jack's thoughts suddenly Charlie remembered Eko's church. He assumed Jack knew which would explain why he was there in the first place.

"Is Eko alright?" asked Charlie.

Jack replied, "He'd be a lot better if he could get his church rebuilt" then he tempered his response by adding, "but he was also worried about you. You need to talk to him."

Charlie sighed. He felt as though he stood at the foot of a tall mountain that he had no choice but to climb. "Yeah, I know" he said.

Chapter Fourteen

As the sun began to set Jack and Charlie left the jungle and slipped back into camp. Charlie retreated to his tent. He wasn't surprised to find his stuff overturned. He knew the drugs in his pack would be gone as well. For the first time in two weeks Charlie picked up his guitar. The music helped to calm him and infuse him with the strength he would need to face tomorrow. At least it's a healthier obsession, he thought.

Later that night before going to sleep he discreetly went to Jack's tent for some pills to treat his shakes. It helped having someone to share the burden and made his symptoms a bit easier to tolerate.

The next morning Ana had awoken early and was returning from the caves with freshly filled water bottles. She had been worried sick when neither Jack nor Charlie had returned and her eyes kept scanning the beaches hoping to catch a glimpse of either of them. She remembered Eko's words describing how Charlie had appeared when Eko last saw him and it made her realize how much she cared for Charlie.

She suddenly couldn't bear the thought of something happening to him. Her fears were made worse by the fact that she still didn't know what the problem was exactly, although based on her experience as a police officer she was beginning to guess. Ana recognized the signs of a person on drugs who was losing control.

She breathed a sigh of relief at the sight of Charlie coming towards her. As soon as he was within reach she embraced him.

Charlie returned the hug. It felt nice, although he was confused. He pulled back and looked at her. "What was that for?" he asked with a grin.

Ana looked down, slightly embarrassed by her outpouring of emotion, "I'm just glad to see you. I was worried about you."

Charlie nodded in understanding. He took her hand, "Yeah……uh, about that. Can we talk? I need your help with something."

They found a place under a nearby tree and sat. Charlie told her about his addiction and his relapse. He tried to explain why he was afraid to see the church completed. Finally he told her that he wanted to see Eko and put things right.

"So is that what you need my help with?" she asked.

Charlie nodded. "I can't do this alone, but I don't want anyone else to know what I've done. How fine tuned are your powers of discretion?" he asked.

Ana smiled, "Tuned to a perfect pitch. Just leave it to me." Ana was pleased that Charlie trusted her with this. She was determined not to let him down. Before they parted they shared a brief first kiss.

Charlie walked away with a renewed sense of faith. Ana had told him the other day that she would not have acted as Claire did. Charlie smiled to himself when he realized that Ana had stayed true to her word. Things just may work out after all, he thought.

Chapter Fifteen

Eko began his second day of cleanup. The area was finally cleared and it was time to start again. He hadn't heard from either Jack or Charlie. To be fair, he had been so busy that he did not take the time to seek them out. Besides, Eko thought, it would be better if Charlie came to me. Eko wished to help Charlie but he had no desire to pressure him. Instead Eko focused his thoughts on his own sins and what would be required for his repentance. He lifted a log onto supports and began to saw new posts. Suddenly he noticed the sunlight had been eclipsed by a great shadow.

Eko looked up to see a large crowd of people. In front of the crowd stood Ana and Charlie.

"Make way for the God Squad" Charlie joked, indicating the group behind him with a flourish, "We've come to help rebuild the church."

As Charlie stood by proudly, Ana began organizing the group into work teams. She was in her element, giving out direction and motivation. The crowd dispersed through the site and began working like a well oiled machine.

When Ana had gone through the camp looking for assistance, no one had asked about what had happened to the church. All they knew was that Eko needed help and most had been willing to provide it.

While Ana acted as foreman Charlie and Eko stood together and watched their new construction crew.

Charlie spoke first, "I'm sorry Eko. I should have trusted you from the beginning, but now I'm ready to repent."

Eko smiled at Charlie, "Actually, I wanted to thank you."

Charlie couldn't believe his ears, "Thank me? For what?"

"For helping me to face my own sins" said Eko, "We will repent together, and God will forgive us both."

With the workers buzzing in the background, Charlie and Eko returned to their labour and the process of rebuilding.

THE END