Read 'em and weep

by Illegitimi

A side story to The Hidden Life of Morino Ibiki for Wheelwright and Indian Black Star. They tell me that they missed Hiroshi & so did I! - so here is a little something that takes place before the Toyo storyline. Poker for Idjits...

Disclainer: I don't won NARUTO nor any of the characters therein. I make no profit nor do I ever intend to.

A/N: So I tried to stick with the general rules of poker. But, not being the best poker player I think that a few of the game plays are bunk. Obviously I don't go to Vegas to gamble... This takes place right before the Toyo storyline. This has been sitting partially done on my hard drive for weeks...Sorry for any typos or errors.

This goes out to Wheelwright and Indian Black Star who told me that they missed Hiroshi and the Gang. Hope this helps until Ayumu and her gang get back to Konoha. ;)

Read 'em and weep...

The five sat around Ayumu's and Hiroshi's kitchen table late Saturday night arguing, drinking, and playing poker. How it all started was from an argument that had ensued between Ayumu and Hiroshi earlier that day...

Flashback

"Ayumu- I swear...you would think that after taking up with Ibiki you would have just a tad more of a backbone...you should have never let that creature push you around like you did..." Fujiwara-san said said in disgruntlement.

The five were all milling about or sitting around Ayumu's back yard. She was trying her best to ignore the older woman and pay attention to her koi, but the woman's voice was like brass and cut through any and all attempts at tranquility. Ayumu's back was to everyone so Fujiwara-san couldn't see her gritted teeth and clenched fists. Ayumu closed her eyes and counted to ten- trying to dispel the urge to turn around screaming and throwing the fish food at the older woman. As much as Ayumu loved her late Master's wife at times she could be more then a little annoying and frustrating. At times she could be down-right unbearable. But for the love and respect that she held the woman in she tried to calm her breathing and regain some form of control.

"Fujiwara-san, it really makes no difference to me if I have to clean the classrooms for end of term or not...we all take turns and this was just my turn," Ayumu said calmly, but she didn't dare turn around as she knew that her face would betray her thoughts, and they weren't in any way as calm as her voice.

"How did you pull clean-up Ayumu? You did it last year! Did Razuki bully you into doing it again this year?! Ayumu!" Hiroshi's voice was both incredulous and annoyed. He was upset for her that Master Razuki pushed Ayumu into doing it and upset at Ayumu for letting the man do it to her. "Ayumu, you need to tell that man to go to hell-"

"Hiroshi, he is senior to me, and as such- both of us being Masters or not- he out-ranks me. I therefore have to bend to his will..." Ayumu really couldn't turn around because now she was starting to get pissed at Hiroshi as well. He should know better... He was in the same boat as her: Hiroshi was a Master but his seniority was just as low as hers. He knew what position she was in, and just because he could bamboozle and manipulate everyone all the time didn't mean that she could. "Besides, like I said, it doesn't really matter to me all that much-"

"All that much?! See, just by saying that you are stating that you do care somewhat. I just don't understand kitten..." Hiroshi sadly shook his head and looked to Ibiki for support.

Ibiki said nothing. He didn't even raise an eyebrow or offer anyone any opinion. He knew what ranking meant; as a nin his whole life had revolved around ranks and your place within them. Rank and knowing your place meant order and stability. It meant knowing what your job was and what was expected of you. It didn't matter if you liked it or not. Even in his high ranking position he still had people above him. Of course, he was much like Hiroshi in that rank really didn't mean that much to him as he could manipulate and intimidate even those far above him into doing what he wanted or needed of them. Even the Hokage had bent to his will more then once.

So Ibiki just looked coolly back at Hiroshi and said nothing. Even when Hiroshi pleaded with his eyes at Ibiki to help Ayumu out he did nothing. Ayumu knew her position much better then he did, and as such he would have to trust her to know what was best for her or not. Besides, if she really wanted his help she knew that she could ask him anytime, and he would be more then happy to oblige. He would be more then happy to visit this Razuki character and set things straight...

Hiroshi 'humphed' in frustration at Ibiki's characteristic taciturnity and turned away from the man. "Fine! If you want to forever be that man's doormat..." and he rambled on in his frustration over Ayumu's supposed meekness. He and Fujiwara-san crapped and bitched together like two, old, blue jays. They both hated Master Razuki with a passion, and Ayumu's place in the hierarchy (below Razuki's) just as much. So they complained to each other to the point where they had both built a full belly of steam. It was an awesome sight to behold: they talked to and at each other; neither heard a word the other was saying, and the louder one got the louder the other had to get in order to be heard. Ren sat next to Hiroshi and just watched the two go at it together. He wasn't as horrified or uncomfortable as he normally would have been, as his steady relationship with Hiroshi had made him more tolerant and used to the strange behavior that the two could sometimes exhibit when together. Where Ren had at first been embarrassed at such a show now he was starting to become amused; he could understand why Ibiki found the two so funny to watch. Hiroshi and Fujiwara-san really were the same side of the same coin.

Ibiki by now had totally learned to tune the two out. He had even gone so far as to not even see their mouths moving. It was just as if they were sitting there silent as the grave. He sat back more in his hammock(as it was now officially his and Ayumu's) and watched Ayumu feed and play with her fish. He smiled a small smile; Ayumu would coo and baby-talk to them, and even dip her fingers in the water and try and pet them. More often then not they would think that her fingers were food and aggressively try and bit her. The first time that had happened Ayumu had sat back in surprise, and she had looked furtively around to see if anyone had noticed that she had been scared and intimidated by a pair of fish. Ren had told her that koi, and carp in general were very food driven, and that they would snatch at anything offered to them. Plus- they had sharp, little teeth. So Ayumu was now a bit more wary of them, but she still couldn't help the desire to pet and love on the koi that Ibiki ahd given her.

She was kneeling and bent slightly forward towards the fish but away from Ibiki. So her backside rose slightly in the air before him. Ibiki placed both hands behind his back and looked his fill at her wiggling backside with delight and satisfaction. Her behind was round and shapely, and it was the first thing that he had ever really noticed about her. It was her backside that had been in his general field of vision that afternoon when he had helped her off the roof, and it was what had kept his attention until he had gotten a good look at her breasts. He admitted fully that her breasts were his favorites, but her backside came pretty damn close as well. They were just as nice a cushion as her front, so Ibiki thought that all in all he made out pretty sweet in the deal. No matter what way she was facing(or laying) he got a good view and a nice, warm part of her anatomy to snuggle against.

As if suddenly sensing his thoughts Ayumu sat up and turned slowly around. She noticed Ibiki's mild look of amusement that was quickly deteriorating into pervertedness and shook her head. You're pathetic...she mouthed to him.

Ibiki smiled and nodded. Yup, he mouthed back.

Do you ever even stop for a moment? She asked silently.

Ibiki raised a brow. Why should I?

She shook her head and turned back around, but this time she knew that his attention was riveted on her back side. She leaned forward slowly, sensuously, and provocatively to throw some food into the water. Then, she just as slowly, sensuously, and provocatively leaned back. She even went so far as to sit up and stretch slightly, as if to relieve cramped muscles. When she turned slightly to get more food she glanced coyly over her shoulder back at Ibiki.

He attention was now riveted fully upon her, and the look in his eyes was one of barely contained lust. His eyes were slightly hooded and his nostrils were starting to flare. She demurely lowered her eyes and looked away. She stood and delicately brushed invisible dirt off her backside. As she walked towards Hiroshi she swung her hips in a slightly exaggerated movement. She heard Ibiki shift in the hammock.

"Hiroshi, just stop it...what's done is done and I said that I don't mind." Ayumu said sternly at her roomie.

Hiroshi looked at her with disappointment. "Look kitten, Fujiwara-san is right: being with Ibiki should have given you a bit more of an edge...I don't expect you to get malicious, but come on! Haven't you learned anything?!"

Ayumu looked at Hiroshi silently and with a steely look creeping slowly into her eyes. "Are you saying that Ibiki is malicious?" she said quietly.

Hiroshi rolled his eyes. "Well of course he is! So what? It is like icing on the cake I say. Makes things more interesting for everyone all around," he said pridefully at Ibiki.

Ibiki raised a brow but stayed silent.

"No he's not! How rude 'Roshi!"

Ayumu was now looking incensed, but it didn't faze Hiroshi in the least. He was as used to her dramatics as she was of his. It was why they had always worked so well together and had been fast friends for so many years. "Come on kitten, you like the fact that he is Really Bad Boy...but he is a Really Bad Boy in a good sense for you." He looked at her calmly, and the more calm he got the more furious she got.

"Take that back Hiroshi! Ibiki is not malicious!" she said going back to the previous comment, but it wasn't lost on anyone that she said nothing about him being or her liking the fact that he was a Really Bad Boy. She looked at Ibiki and smiled cutely. "He might be a little sneaky at times, but that is only when people push him...it is because they have it coming, " she said in his defense. She turned back to Hiroshi with a fierce frown. "Ibiki isn't malicious...but I am, and I will be if you don't take that back."

"No." Hiroshi said now frowning at her.

The other three couldn't help but be fascinated by the two arguing; they looked like two, little kids fighting over a game. They both had pouts on their faces and their hands on their hips. Ren and Ibiki looked at each other and grinned. It was pretty cute and sexy.

"Yes!" Ayumu said stomping her foot. "Don't you call my boyfriend bad names like that...besides, you're just jealous..." Ayumu said glaring at him and folding her arms over her chest.

"What?! Let me tell you something girlfriend, Ren has it all over Ibiki! My boyfriend is wa-a-a-a-a-y better then yours..." Hiroshi smirked at Ayumu.

"Oh no he isn't! No one is better then Ibiki. In fact," and she leaned maliciously forward towards Hiroshi, who had put a snarl on his face, "Ibiki is so good that..." but she never finished the sentence.

Hiroshi narrowed his eyes at her. "So good what, kitten? Come on...how good is Ibiki?"

"Never mind."

Ayumu turned away and was starting to walk away when Hiroshi caught her arm. "No, come on and finish the sentence: Ibiki is so good, what?"

Ayumu didn't turn to look at Hiroshi, but instead she met eyes with Ibiki. He looked at her with a questioning look of his own. He could see some scheme starting to form in her head, and a slow, encouraging smile started to form as he tried to figure it out. Ayumu gave him a pointed look but said nothing.

"Come on! Tell me!" Hiroshi steamed.

"Ok...Ibiki is so good that he could beat us all in cards, and without even trying."

"Cards?" Hiroshi asked stunned.

"Uh-huh. Cards...like poker." Ayumu turned finally to look at Hiroshi with a growing, smug smile.

"Poker? So what? What does that have to do with anything?"He looked at Ibiki with an annoyed and confused look on his face. Ibiki merely raised and lowered his eye brow in mild confusion.

"Strip poker...I bet that Ibiki beats the pants off you and Ren..."

"So wha-oh..." Hiroshi let her go. He looked at Ayumu with a growing look of understanding dawning on his face. It wasn't the idea of getting naked during a game of strip poker with any of them that had him faltering for a moment. He had been naked around Ren and Ayumu many times. He had no problems with nudity, and his in particular. He did have a gorgeous body after all. Just because someone wasn't allowed to touch it didn't mean that they shouldn't be denied looking at it. Some form of consolation had to be given after all. It was just that the particular rules that they had when playing poker....He looked over at Ren with growing concern and protectiveness. His lover looked back at him with an innocent look of amusement and sweetness that never failed to melt his cynical heart.

He wasn't about to have Ren offered up as a sacrifice, but he had come too far...

For many years while living at The House in Hiraku Ayumu and Hiroshi had played poker, and they were both good. Very good. They had to be, because the obnoxious jackasses that they could be sometimes had put an interesting twist onto the game. The looser wasn't just the first person sitting there buck naked, but they also had to take a run around The House one time in their birthday suit. Because of that rule they had made sure to never end up as the last man standing. Ayumu didn't want to do it because of modesty and Hiroshi because of competition and pride. They had sent many a smart mouthed braggart to his down fall that way. But now, it was Ren that would end up like that because Hiroshi didn't think that Ren knew much about the game. In order to protect his lover he would have to take the hit, and Ayumu would be smug for days...The bitch...Ayumu smiled a shark's smile at him. She knew exactly what he was thinking. Protect his lover or defend his ego. Ayumu started to chuckle evilly. Even Fujiwara-san started to cackle. She too knew exactly what was going on. She had heard all about their poker games, and even one time she had caught the loser coming around the corner on the home stretch.

Ibiki and Ren looked at each other in amused confusedness. Neither thought that poker- strip or regular- was anything to get so worked up over. But the fact that Fujiwara-san was starting to take a real interest in the game sent the hairs on both their heads to rise in concern and trepidation.

"Well?" Ayumu said tapping her foot. "You are in a tight spot now, aren't you?"

Hiroshi looked at Ayumu and became suddenly calm. A small bit of Ayumu's bluster faltered.

"All right," he said slowly. "Ren and I accept the challenge. What about you and Mr. Perfect? You two up to the challenge?" Hiroshi looked at Ibiki with a smug look.

Ibiki cocked his head to the side and nodded. "Always."

"Done?" Hiroshi said holding his hand out.

"Done!" Ayumu clasped it and the two shook on it.

PRESENT

The five sat around the kitchen table and getting ready for the first play to begin. It had turned into five because Fujiwara-san said that in no way was she going to not be involved. Secretly, every hoped that Fujiwara-san wasn't the looser as no one looked forward to seeing her run stark naked around the house. No one wanted to see her naked-period.

Ayumu was shuffling the cards and getting ready to deal. "All games are simple, draw poker: we ante up, we get our cards, we make our hands, and then the betting begins. The ante is always only one chip. Aces are always high. The person with the worst hand strips one piece or article of clothing. If you bow out you have to discard a piece of clothing, so it behooves you to try and stick it out."

She looked around at everyone and saw expectant faces. All were expectant except for one: Hiroshi's. His face had an almost manic look to it. He looked like a man on a mission; he had to defend not only his lover but himself as well. He was set and determined.

"Any questions?" Ayumu asked to make sure that they were all going to be playing the same game.

Everyone shook their heads. Ayumu swiftly dealt the first hand. She looked to her left at Ren. She smiled slightly at his attire. Everyone else was generally dressed normally, but with the exception of Ren. He seemed to be sporting bulkier then normal clothing. Ayumu had the suspicion that his lover had padded him with extra clothing in order to give him more of a fighting chance.

"All right, let's begin! Ante up kiddies and let's go." Ayumu deftly dealt out the first round of cards.

Everyone grabbed them and started to analyze their cards. Ibiki didn't bother to shuffle his cards around. He knew exactly what ones he was going to keep and which one's he was going to discard. He looked around at the others and had to catch himself from laughing out loud; everyone but Fujiwara-san showed their cards on their faces. Ren looked confused, and he kept shuffling the cards around so much that he probably ended up in the same way that they were dealt. Hiroshi looked slyly crazy, and he tried his best to not cheat and offer his lover any help(as it was stated early on that everyone was on their own). A whole gamut of emotions crossed Ayu's face. She bit her bottom lip and made all kinds of crazy faces as she shifted them around. They were probably the worst porker faces that he had ever seen. He looked across at Fujiwara-san and their eyes met. She looked pointedly around, looked back at Ibiki and rolled her eyes. She too knew how pathetic they were.

Ibiki smiled. This was going to be a lot more fun that he had thought.

"All right, who needs a card?" Ayumu said looking first to Ren on her left.

"I'll take five, please." he said smiling at her.

"Ren, honey...are you sure...look at them again.." Hiroshi said across from him.

Ren looked at his partner innocently. "What? I don't want these cards, Ayumu- may I please have five new ones?"

"Of course sweet pea- here," she said taking his discards and giving him five new ones.

She turned next to Fujiwara-san with her eye brow raised. . "How about you- you want five new ones as well?"

"One," Fujiwara-san said throwing the discard to her.

"How about you Ibiki- what will it be?" Ayumu said to her own lover.

Ibiki shook his head. "I'll keep what I have," he said smiling at her.

Ayumu's eyes flashed in appreciation. "Now that's a big, brave nin for you! Very few are brave enough to play the hand that they were dealt with," Ayumu said proudly. She thought that it was foolish, but sexy none the less.

Ibiki winked at her.

She blew him a kiss.

"Oh for shit's sake," Hiroshi said peevishly. "Just cut it out and give me two," he said sliding his discards over.

"And I'll take two as well," Ayumu said discarding and then taking two herself. "All right- let the game begin. Anyone want to duck out now?"

"I'll raise you one," Ren said quickly jumping into the game. He looked to Fujiwara-san on his left.

"My, my...aren't we impatient? I'll see your one. Ibiki?" Fujiwara-san looked to her left at Ibiki.

He smiled and threw his one in, and looked to his left at Hiroshi.

Hiroshi arrogantly thew his one chip in as well, and was quickly followed by Ayumu.

The betting and drinking went on for a few moments until Hiroshi made the motion to Call. He layed his cards down: He had a Full House of tens and twos. He looked at Ayumu with a sly look.

Ayumu put her cards down: she had Two Pair of fives and sixes with a jack. It wasn't too bad but it wasn't very safe. She looked to Ren.

Ren put his cards down and he also had Two Pair, but his were of queen's and kings, and with an ace buffer. It beat Ayumu's Two pair. He and Ayumu giggled at each other. Not only were they both proud of Ren's accomplishment, but the beer was starting to hit their heads.

"Yes! Right out the gate and my koi is kicking your ass..." Hiroshi said in Ayumu's ear.

She turned to him and blew in his face, and causing him to pull back violently.

"Well, that certainly beats me," Fujiwara-san said putting her cards down. She had- nothing. Absolutely nothing. It was a total hodge-podge of nothing. She turned to Ibiki and grinned expectantly.

Ibiki had taken no cards. He just held what he was originally dealt with. He also certainly couldn't have anything. He flipped his cards over and spread them out: he had a Flush of diamonds.

Ayumu slid down and rubbed a foot over Ibiki's knee. "Well, my koi didn't do too bad, now did he?" she laughed. Ibiki had caught her foot and rubbed a finger over sensuously up and down her Achilles heel.

"Well, it looks like I am going to have to strip!" Fujiwara-san said standing. Everyone leaned back a bit in their chair at her exuberance. Without any preamble Fujiwara-san yanked her top off.

A few groans were heard and more then one pair of eyes were averted.

"Hell woman...couldn't you have taken a hair pin out or something? Couldn't you have given us time to prepare before showing us your skin?!" Hiroshi said dramatically putting his face into the side of Ayumu's neck.

She patted his head consolingly and laughed at Ren trying not to look too embarrassed. When she glanced Ibiki's way she saw him looking at Fujiwara-san with a look of incredulity and amusement. He turned to look back at Ayumu and chuckled deeply.

And so the night went on. Hand after hand was played. Beer after beer was drank. Clothing and personal affects were stripped away. They plays became louder and more boisterous as more beer was drank and more clothing was taken off. It was comforting testament to the nature of all their relationships that no one felt embarrassed, inhibited, or ridiculed at their partial nudity. At the time being they were all pretty much in their underwear. Everyone was in their underwear pretty much but Ren. He had not lost one single hand, and in doing so he had kept all his clothing. He had also pretty much refrained from drinking.

Hiroshi on the other hand was partially plastered and very disheveled. He had lost his hair band (after a fight with Ayumu that if she could discard an earring as payment then he could do so with a hair band) and his long, lustrous black hair fell like a ebony river around his face. He had the the type of fine, silky hair that when it wasn't tied back it just fell forward. He was trying to get a bead on his cards when a sharp smack from Ayumu distracted him.

"Ow! What was that for?" he said rubbing his arm.

"Stop trying to get peeks at Ibiki! Stop gawking at my boyfriend! You have your own. Just because he has better luck at cards and has the majority of his clothes on doesn't mean that you can stare at my partially naked boyfriend. Honestly Hiroshi..." Ayumu frowned at him.

"I'm not peeking at Ibiki!" Hiroshi said trying to cover up his guilt. In truth he had been peering occasionally at the man sitting next to him. He couldn't help it. Ibiki sat there with his shirt and pants off and all those scars and muscle were pretty fascinating. He wasn't facing him, and it was probably a good thing, because then he would have been totally distracted. But as it was he could certainly see enough, and what he did see...

In a malicious gesture Ibiki raised his hands over his head, stretched and lay back negligently in his chair. Hiroshi now did openly turn and look Ibiki up and down.

Ibiki winked.

Hiroshi cleared his throat.

"Stop that Hiroshi! I mean it.." Ayumu said getting worked up, and in her fit of pique her chest puffed out. When her chest puffed out her girls threatened to escape their confines.

Ren was fascinated. Ayumu's breasts were...fascinating. All that creamy skin and deep cleavage was hard to ignore. Her bra was also made more for attention rather then function, as it was mostly constructed of ribbons, lace, and very little material to hold it all together. He thought that he could see her nipples... He wasn't sexually attracted to her like he was to Hiroshi, but her bosom certainly had an appeal about it that was hard to ignore. When he forcefully shifted his eyes away they came up and met with Ibiki's. Ren was mortified to have gotten caught peeking at the interrogator's girlfriend like some common pervert. He started to apologize but Ibiki just shook his head and smiled. He then turned his attention to her bosom and let out his own happy sigh.

"Look, if Ibiki is going to act like a sunning cat and flaunt his body then he will have to accept the attention that it gets," Hiroshi said shrugging his shoulders.

"Are we going to play or not?!" Fujiwara-san said messily. She was totally plastered, and was close to being the looser. She was left only in bra and panties.

"That isn't the point Hiroshi...it is ruuude to stare at my boyfriend-"

"You telling me that you have never stared at Ren?" Hiroshi asked poking her in the arm. "I wouldn't mind, and not in the least. Ren is very handsome. When people stare at him it make me feel proud. I bagged a hunk and they didn't," Hiroshi said looking longingly around Ayumu at Ren.

Ren blushed.

"Well of course you bagged a hunk, but I just caught you peeping at my hunk..."

"So? Look at Ibiki," Hiroshi said turning fully towards the man in question. "He has a very nice physique. All his scars and muscles...very dark and dangerous. I can appreciate that, and I am glad that you appreciate it as well. Now, look at Ren," he said turning all attention to the other man.

Ren turned even redder at the sudden attention.

"Ren is like a Sun God. His fair haired, blue eyes good looks and killer bod is simply scrumptious to me. Add that to his wonderful personality and I made out like a bandit," Hiroshi finished and blowing Ren a sloppy kiss. "He is even better then Genma, and I lusted after him for years..."

Ayumu wiped the spit off the side of her face and back onto Hiroshi. "Gross..." she mumbled. "Gross all the way around..."

"What I am trying to say is that the appreciation of physical beauty has nothing to do with ones sexual orientation. Even if Ibiki was gay I wouldn't be sexually attracted to him. He and I are the same side of the same coin. We just wouldn't work out. Now the two of you are perfect: total opposites. Just as Ren and I are perfect: total opposites. See?"

Ayumu looked at Hiroshi with a dead pan look. "Artistic theory my ass...Stop leering at my boyfriend."

"No," Hiroshi said looking at his cards and surreptitiously peering at Ibiki.

Ibiki absently scratched at the long scar that ran over his chest.

"Hnn.." Ayumu said giving up. She should have known better. Hiroshi always had the last word.

"That's it- I lost!" Fujiwara-san mumbled drunkenly. She stood up and whipped her bra off and everyone at the table gasped. A couple even screamed. More then one covered their eyes. One in particular laughed.

Fujiwara-san stood weaving in place, and her sixty year old breasts hung down before her. Even with her almost daily work out at her forge her breasts were better looking then most her age, but they still were sixty year old mammary glands none the less. It was safe to say that they weren't as shapely as they had been at thirty.

"If I wasn't gay before I certainly would be now!" Hiroshi shrieked dramatically.

"What was that?" Fujiwara-san said suddenly turning to her right and in the general direction of Hiroshi.

In the process her massive breasts heaved, but with a enough of a momentum to make them swing outward as well, and straight into the side of Ren's head. He was literally knocked into Ayumu's breasts, and who was also not very steady or aware due to her alcoholic imbibing. She in turn squeaked at the unexpected intrusion and automatically flung an arm out to try and steady herself. Where she thought that she would connect with Hiroshi's shoulder her hand ended up slipping and going much lower. Much, much lower. She fell sideways and her hand stopped her momentum by bracing itself against Hiroshi's crotch.

Hiroshi's cry was now not due to high drama but intense pain. He pushed Ayumu (and subsequently Ren as well) off of him roughly and bent over. He was breathing hard and moaning into the table top.

Ibiki never stopped laughing. He had started to laugh at Fujiwara-san's impromptu strip show, but when she turned and started the domino fall of idjits he lost it. He leaned back and laughed uproariously. He even had to put a hand over his face. He started to laugh so hard that snorts could be heard. He totally lost it when Fujiwara-san decided that she truly had lost the entire game and climbed out of her panties as well. He thought that he was going to piss his drawers when she threw them down on the table in triumph.

"Fuck me running!" he gasped. Just as he was getting his breath back he happened to look over at the three fuckwits and started laughing all over again. Hiroshi was almost in tears next to him, and moaning about his 'precious scepter of love' being broken in half. One of Ayumu's breasts had come out because when Ren had tried to pull back one of his teeth had somehow gotten caught on the frilly lace eyelets. Ren was red as a beet and trying to be a gentleman and put it back in but somehow failing, and mainly due to the fact that Ayumu was moving her attention (and her breasts) between trying to comfort Hiroshi and looking at Fujiwara-san in horror..

It was a cluster fuck.

Ibiki got up and went to the sink that held the beer and ice. He got a chunk of ice, wrapped it in a towel, and brought it back to Hiroshi who just nodded in thanks. He placed it on his burning crotch with a moan. Ibiki then deftly plopped Ayumu's breast back in the cup, and patted Ren on the back. He sat back down and picked up his cards. He smiled and spread the cards out smugly.

"Read 'em and weep jackasses: Straight Flush."

"Oh Ibiki! You are the bestest boyfriend!" She turned to Hiroshi with pure malice. "See? I told you that he would beat us all!"

Hiroshi just snarled at her as best he could from his prone position.

"Well, I'm off for my lap around the house!" Fujiwara-san said proudly as she started for the back door.

"No!" Ren and Ayumu shouted together. "Stop her Ibiki!" Ayumu looked at Ibiki in horror.

"Let her. What harm is she going to do?" He said shrugging his shoulders. He stood up and motioned for Ren to stand as well. "Come on, you better get Hiroshi up to bed. He needs to lay down with the ice pack and some TLC from you."

Ren nodded and picked Hiroshi up in a bridal carry. Hiroshi curled up in his lover's arms like a baby and buried his head into the side of Ren's neck. He moaned piteously. Ren cooed to him and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead.

Ayumu smiled and gave a soft, "Aww..."

"We better go too. You are staying at my house tonight. Give Ren and Hiroshi some privacy, and I can keep an eye out for Fujiwara-san and the authorities- which ever comes first." Ibiki hauled Ayumu up and deftly flung her over his shoulder.

"Ibiki...did you see how Ren carried Hiroshi? That was caring and romantic. This is beastly and..."

"And you like it. Don't deny it. It gives you a little thrill. Also, it afford me a chance to nibble on your bottom," he said demonstrating.

Ayumu giggled a squeak, and patted Ibiki on his back. "How are we going to get to your house without the neighbors seeing-"

Suddenly and in a cloud of dark smoke Ayumu was in Ibiki's house. He had only once before ported them using ninjitsu, and it was still as disconcerting as it had been then. But, it certainly was convenient...

"Oh Ibiki...you may be beastly but you are clever. I'll certainly give you that."

Ibiki laughed a rich, dark laugh and slowly slid Ayumu down the front of him. Before she could get too far she had wrapped her legs around is waist and locked her ankles together. Ayumu immediately started to do her own nibbling along Ibiki's neck and shoulder. He moaned and squeezed her back side. He closed his eyes and rubbed up against her. Both were just starting to fall into something heavier when they were brought up short by a loud, brassy yell. Feet could be heard pounding away in a run.

It was Fujiwara-san still running around the house naked as a jaybird and laughing.

Ibiki pulled his head up and groaned. "Fuck...I have to go and get her before the KMP get called. The last thing I want to do tonight is bail her out of jail...Be right back..."

Ibiki put Ayumu down with deep regret and went into his bedroom to get some clothing on. When he came out he threw an extra shirt of his at Ayumu to put on. She pulled it over her head and smiled sweetly at him. He raised a sardonic brow at her.

"You really are the best Ibiki," she said quietly. "You take care of all of us, don't you?"

In an uncharacteristic display Ibiki reddened slightly and looked away. He shrugged his shoulders and put on his pants. He wasn't the best. He knew that. He was a cold, asshole most times, and that was during the best of times really. The worst of times he was deadly, determined and malicious. Somehow this little group had seen past all that. Something about them all had made him change. Somehow he had started to feel responsible for more then just himself and his job in ANBU. For the first time in his life he had wanted to feel responsible for more then himself and his job in ANBU.

Another yell was heard as Fujiwara-san made yet another pass under Ibiki's window.

Ibiki shook his head and kissed Ayumu on the top of her head as he passed her to go after the batty old broad. Somehow these people that were as fucked-up as him had become his family.