Disclaimer: In no way shape or form do I own rights to this series or the characters within.

Warning: This story references strong themes of depression and self-harm. Read at your own risk. This is a difficult topic to cover, one close to home, and I encourage anyone who suffers from these feelings to seek help from friends, family or outside sources. You are never alone!

Note from the author

Hello everyone! It has been a very, very long time since the last time I was on but I have returned! School and work and some personal issues have kept me away but I have not forgotten my loyal readers! Nor have I stopped writing! ;)

After reviewing my previously submitted content and after improving on my writing skills, I have made the decision to update this story, therefore erasing my previous chapters in this sequel, as well as continue it. Please be patient with me as I work on updates and new content for my page. I hope you enjoy.

I missed you all! 3

The Weight of Guilt

They were supposed to be warriors, protectors of the innocent and living weapons who defeat demons, Akuma, but there is one demon that no one was safe from. It follows you everywhere you go, digging its claws into you so deeply that even if you manage to escape from it you are left forever scarred. This demon brings pain and fear day and night, making your every moment a living hell. Even in your dreams it follows you, twisting your thoughts and corrupting any good that may come to you. It can make you feel helpless, powerless, hopeless. Unfortunately, this demon is one of the most common and naturally occurring entities in existence. It is guilt, a demon of our own making. …And none are immune to it, even a strong-minded individual such as Lavi.

Bookmen are supposed to remain impartial, isolated and for all accounts emotionless. They are supposed to remain neutral but Lavi couldn't help himself. He got attached. He became so hopelessly attached to one of his companions that he opened a hole in is sealed-off heart and now all he felt was pain even weeks after that day. Even worse than the nightmares that preceded the event, the pain that followed wouldn't leave him a moment of peace.

Sleep didn't come easily without medicinal aid and even when he could sleep he was afraid to for each night brought him back to that forest, to that town with its scent of death. There was no detail too small for that eye to record. He could still smell the stagnant air, feel the chill invading his body, the ache of the wound in his leg. But even worse, he could still hear the shallow, pained breathing of his dear friend as he struggled to stay alive. The boy called his name so softly, faintly that it broke Lavi's heart. No once did his friend blame him for what happened. He didn't get mad or cry… even as he was dying, all he could do was attempt to comfort Lavi. That hurt worse than anything. Lavi wished he would just yell at him, call him an idiot like Kanda would, tell him to be more careful like Lenalee or even hit him. He wanted some sort of punishment but none came.

Instead, a miracle occurred. Somehow, Lavi hadn't killed him. He woke up and smiled at him once again like he had always done. Help had arrived and they'd boarded the train to go home. They were almost in the clear. But fate was a cruel mistress, determined to take all that was good and pure and ruin it. That's what happened. The boy suddenly stopped, fell silent and before he could ask what was wrong, the boy collapsed.

Lavi had sealed the internal wound, had patched his flesh and gave his own blood to replace that which had been lost, but what he failed to calculate was the blood which had invaded his system through Lavi's actions. His weapon had been splattered with Akuma blood during the battle and his body, powered by innocence, was losing the fight against it. Lavi stood over him, shaking him, screaming for help as he watched the faint stars of Akuma blood poisoning appear on his fair skin. If Crowley weren't there… if Bookman weren't there… if Lavi was left alone with him….

Those thoughts plagued Lavi's mind and he again awoke in a cold sweat, heart pounding and chest aching. Hot tears were pouring down his cheeks once again, burning his eyes. Again and again he was forced to relive those horrible memories. He sat up in his bed, shakily brushing his hair from his face as he attempted to catch his breath.

He's alive Lavi thought to himself. He's alive. You didn't kill him. Though, he didn't do him any favors either. Allen almost died twice because of him that day and he couldn't forgive himself for it. Even though he acted quickly to mend him, even though they'd gotten Allen back to the order for treatment, even though he'd survived… Lavi couldn't forget. And he couldn't forgive.

Instead, Lavi had refused his own treatment and locked himself in his room. He wouldn't talk, barely ate and hardly slept. It had been three weeks. His body had lost much of its definition but his mind had taken the brunt of the damage. Even Bookman couldn't get through to him. No, there was only one thing he could do to ground himself back in reality. There was only one thing that could calm him in times like those and he was ashamed of it.

Lavi looked down, rolling up one of his sleeves ever so slightly to reveal several cuts, some older and scarred over, some fresh. It wasn't as though he enjoyed doing it. He detested that sort of action and knew it would upset others but he couldn't help it. He hurt inside so badly and he felt as though he should be punished by someone. Why not himself? Though that was just an excuse. Really what Lavi wanted was to feel something other than the breaking of his heart. He needed something else to focus on, a diversion. One pain to mask another. He knew it was wrong, unhealthy and selfish but once he started, he just couldn't stop.

Bookman knew, of course. There was little he didn't know, though his elder never spoke of it, even to scold him. Kanda knew, too. A few days earlier he'd walked in to yell at him for making more work for everyone else and caught him in the act. Lavi was in a particularly low mood that day that when Kanda pulled Mugen on him, openly threatening him, Lavi gave him permission to do whatever he wanted. Whether that be to wound him, kill him, it made no difference to Lavi. He could tell that shook Kanda terribly. The man's normally cold stare turned into a look of horror followed by disgust. He expected Kanda to shove him at the very least but he didn't. Instead, in a completely uncharacteristic way, he spoke softly, telling Lavi to pull himself together and not let the darkness win before leaving. He hadn't been back since then. Lavi couldn't help but chuckle sadly at the thought. He must be hopelessly lost if even Kanda was worrying about him. His chuckling continued as he wrapped his arms around himself. His body shook, his teeth gritting as the chuckles transformed into pitiful sobs. Tears flowed down over his cheeks once again.

This was one demon he just couldn't win against.