Hi, guys! So this is a little something I've had on my computer for ages and never got around to publishing.
In my mind, Bella and Edward's conversation about sex, marriage and changing was too short and left out a whole lot that a real, mature couple should talk about. This is my alternative.
It's fluffy enough that it makes me happy without making me cringe - I hope it does the same for you. Enjoy.
With a restrained sigh Edward forced the tone of our kissing to lighten, the intensity to fade and the pace to slow, until finally he gave me a chaste peck and pulled away.
I sighed, my frustration evident. Edward ran his thumb over my cheek looking apologetic.
"You know we can't." He murmured.
I nodded, "I know – I just..." I hesitated. My relationship with Edward, whilst such a fundamental element to my life and my soul, was also very precarious. It felt as though we were constantly walking along a tight rope trying to find a balance between his vampiric nature and my humanity. But it wasn't fair to put this on him, he worked hard for his control – who was I to tell him to dismiss it?
He was looking at me expectantly but I deflated, my eyes turning downcast.
"No," His finger ran under my chin to pull my gaze up again, "What is it?" Again I hesitated. We'd talked about this and I knew his foot was firmly down when it came to rearranging the lines of our physical relationship. What was the point of re-hashing it?
"It's nothing, don't worry, okay?" I said turning to give his hand a kiss.
This time he sighed, drawing my eyes back to him, hoping he would leave the issue alone.
His gaze fell to my mouth and he frowned.
"I feel like we're dancing around this..." His eyes narrowed, "this situation we've found ourselves in."
I frowned, not quite understanding what he meant.
"What situation?" His hand pulled through his hair as he contemplated his words.
"The situation where I am a vampire and you are a human and we are attempting to have some kind of physical relationship," His eyes found mine and I could see the discomfort in them, "I find it a difficult subject to discuss – especially with you."
"Why especially with me?" In all honesty, I hadn't imagined that Edward even thought about it that much, never mind discussed it. He was always so...polite about the topic, the conversation never ventured beyond what could still be said in front of my father. The idea that he spoke about such things to anyone surprised me slightly.
Of course, I realise that he is only human – fundamentally – and that it must be...a topic of interest for him but that idea just didn't blend with my concept of Edward.
He frowned again, "However foolish it may sound, in my mind I can still hear my father reminding me never to talk about such things in front of a lady." He paused watching my reaction for a moment.
I allowed myself a small laugh but couldn't wipe the smile off my face.
"That does sound foolish." I agreed sliding my hands to rest on his shoulders. "And you're right – we should...discuss...this more. I'm every bit as hesitant as you, but that's not to do with morals, I'm just a coward."
He scoffed, "The fact that we're in this situation is testament to the contrary."
I rolled my eyes, "Not being a coward requires the bravery to face something you fear and I've never been afraid of you."
He gave me a small smile and brushed some hair out of my face, "Despite all reason and sense that is true."
I straightened up where I sat on his lap, mentally preparing myself for where this conversation could lead.
"Okay, well, I'll agree to overcome my cowardly, shy nature if you agree to ignore your father's voice, just for this discussion." I said, my words sounding braver than I felt at the prospect. Already my face was warming up. Edward slowly nodded.
"I'll try," Nervousness laced his words but he seemed determined to say whatever it was that inspired this need to discuss, "I am terrified of doing anything beyond kiss you. You are strange in your ability to dismiss how strong I am and how utterly breakable you are and you put far too much faith in my control." I sighed slightly; apparently we were going re-hash this.
"And I think you don't give yourself enough credit – you've earned the right to believe in yourself, Edward, and in your ability to control yourself around me. That there's a me to be around proves that."
He frowned and shook his head, "I understand what you're saying, Bella, I really do. I'm hugely pleased and relieved that I have as much control as I do but you don't realise how close I've come to that control being shattered just because you pressed yourself against me when we were kissing, or because you kissed my neck when I wasn't expecting you to or because of the way you said my name." He looked at me imploringly.
My cheeks flamed but I felt a small bud of satisfaction at his words.
His eyes dropped and his frown deepened, "And I don't think you take into account my plain old human desire for you that begs at me not to stop – that plays a significant part in my control."
"You're right, I hadn't," I said leaning back slightly, hoping the small amount of distance gained would help to suppress my awkwardness, "But to be honest, Edward, I don't see that side of you. Whenever you talk about desires and control it's always in reference to how easily you could kill me," I shifted uncomfortably, "And I don't really see or...understand why you would want me...like that." His mouth opened and his eyes lit up with protests, "It's not that I think I'm unattractive, it's just...you and all your family – who I spend most of my time with – look like airbrushed supermodels twenty-four seven and I don't. If I got one moment of airbrushed supermodel in a year I would be happy."
His hands moved up to my face tracing over my skin and brushing through my hair.
"That's somewhat like how I feel about my soul in comparison to yours." He said quietly his face showing obvious and unearned reverence, "You are so good. You've never done a truly bad thing in your life – I'd be surprised if you'd ever had a truly bad thought in your life. And here I am – a once willing and gleeful murderer. You make me feel entirely inadequate in that way," He gave me a small sad smile, "Like I'm tainting you just by breathing the same air."
I never realised he put me up on such a pedestal. I wasn't anywhere near that perfect or pure. Whilst, I was no murderer I wasn't as saintly as he seemed to think.
"I've never seen you that way," I shook my head lost for a way to verbalise how I felt about him, "To me your soul is just as 'pure' as mine, if not slightly purer because you have such strong demons to fight."
He seemed to think my words over, considering their meaning, but it was obvious that he didn't feel that way at all. I think he appreciated the comment though, not many people can tell him this, can give him reassurance and most people like to be told that someone thinks they're good.
"And the same can be said for you," His eyes lifted and a smile tugged at the corner of his lips, "I see you as a perfectly airbrushed supermodel all the time, which impresses me to no end considering how terrible humans can look." He watched me thinking for a moment before his smile broadened, "And I imagine that you are as reluctant to accept how I see you as I am to accept how you see me." I nodded a small smile on my lips. I liked that we were the same in this way, that we were both self conscious (admittedly for very different reasons), it helped to make him that little bit more human, more...relatable I suppose.
"But going back to the topic at hand," He began, "Trying to balance my control and my upbringing is leaving us stuck at kissing which usually ends in you being frustrated with me and I'm not sure how to make this better."
"When you say your upbringing... I don't really know what you mean," I admitted feeling that fleeting sensation of being able to relate to him fluttering away, "I get the whole sexually repressed thing," He gave me a mocking glare, "But...to what extent do you still believe in that?"
His hands moved to rest on my waist, "It's in these moments that I remember how young you are and how old I am," He said, his face twisting at the wry humour in it.
"Well at least you have supposed wisdom and experience on your side – I get left feeling...foolish and like a child." I could hear the petulance in my own disgruntled voice, further proving my point.
Edward chuckled, "Yes, but you have the rest of the world on your side as they too are all a part of the twenty first century. I feel ever so slightly like an antique."
"You haven't answered my question." I reminded him, before we could both get carried away, focusing on who had it better the young or the eternally young.
His eyes narrowed at me slightly, "Try not to mock me?"
That wasn't a good sign for my post sexual revolution ideologies.
I nodded.
"I still believe in it to such an extent that, were I still human, I would still be hesitant to go beyond our current physical relationship..." He eyed me for a moment, "At least until we were married."
I could feel my face scrunch up at the word.
"That's...really...not what I'd hoped." I admitted, "But, I suppose, what I already knew."
His face turned contemplative for a moment, "I'm curious. How much of a physical relationship do you want? Taking into account the fact that I am a vampire."
I blushed and my heart sped to catch up with my anxiety towards having to actually say it, "To me, it doesn't really matter what you are. I would – I want to have as full a physical relationship as possible," The air caught in my throat a little, "I want to have sex with you."
He dragged in a long breath, not looking me in the eye.
"I think I already knew that too...and it's that much harder to deny now that you've said it."
"I wouldn't be unhappy if you stopped denying it." I said teasingly, knowing he wouldn't agree to this. He just rolled his eyes at me.
I ran my hand through his hair, contemplating what I had learnt.
"So – just to clarify – you do want to be with me in that way?" I asked anxiously.
He frowned at me, "Of course I do," He wrapped his arms back around me, pulling me closer, his face nuzzling its way into my neck, "I wish you wouldn't doubt how utterly...alluring I find you." I smiled feeling a spread of warmth through my chest at his comment.
I tugged on his hair so I could see his face. It felt strangely important to be able to gauge his reactions during this conversation.
"Then, tell me, show me more often, that that's how you feel." I implored feeling a little bold.
His brow furrowed in confusion.
"Bella, I tell you how beautiful you are nearly every time I see you."
"I know," I gave him a quick kiss, "And it's very much appreciated but being beautiful and being...alluring is different. And," My boldness increased as my frustration came to support it, "You pull away every single time we kiss, you stop me if you think my hands are going to wander, your hands never deviate from 'safe zones' and your chivalry stops you from ever verbalising how you feel," My eyes finally lifted from their study of Edward's collar to look at his face, "I'm not saying you should...grope me at every opportunity or start talking like we're in some trashy romance novel. I'm just saying it's hard to know that you feel that way when you don't show it." My boldness fled and my embarrassment crashed into me like a wave.
Edward was quiet for a moment, looking slightly taken aback.
"I thought I was easier to read than that," He admitted, "I feel you've, perhaps, misinterpreted me. I pull away from kissing you because if I don't..." His eyes drifted down to my lips, his thumb coming up to run over them, "Things would become very heated very quickly. I stop you from running your hands all over me because wherever you touch my skin," He lips quirked into a grin, "It causes this rush of the most incredible, warm sensation and if you started touching me – out of the 'safe zones'," He said teasing my phrasing, "I dare not think what embarrassing effects that could have on me.
"I don't let my hands stray too far because I'm fairly sure I wouldn't be able to stop them from touching you the way I want to.
"And finally, I don't talk about how I feel because I think that I've already given myself away so fully that I really shouldn't embarrass myself any further."
My eyebrows were raised with incredulity but there was a small smile pulling at the edge of my thumb-fondled lips.
"I think I like your version better." I muttered. Edward chuckled and nodded his agreement.
"I like this though," He said, "That you're giving me a glimpse inside your mind. I can understand why you doubt my desire for you when you see my actions as you do. I will endeavour to be more expressive in the future."
I grinned, "Thank you. And I like it too. I'd always thought that your issue with being physical was your fear of losing control," I grinned, deciding to tease him, "But it's not, you're just a sexually repressed old man who didn't pay attention during the sixties."
Edward started laughing louder than he usually would. He shook his head.
"You're wrong again." I raised an eye brow at him in challenge and his arms tightened around me, his lips going to my jaw.
"I was paying attention," He kissed along my jaw line and moved down to my neck making my breathing a little heavier, "Quite close attention at times," That piqued my curiosity but Edward quickly moved on, pulling the lobe of my ear between his lips before whispering, "And I have absolutely no qualms with having sex with you." A shiver ran across my skin at those words. He was never so blatant.
I felt his tongue flick out to tease my neck before he pulled away and wrapped his hand in my hair. I was warm in the face and a little breathless, made even more breathless by the look of playful devotion in Edward's eyes.
He smiled, "But I want to be able to call you my wife before that." His eyes drifted down to my left hand, his smile widening the longer his gaze lingered, "And I don't want to spend my first night with you terrified that I'm going to hurt you."
I nodded my head shakily.
"I can understand that."
Edward's eyes narrowed at me playfully, "And in the spirit of letting you into my head – as...uncomfortable as it can be to say, I'm a hundred and ten year old virgin, who has the body of a seventeen year old. I am more than eager to sleep with you. But men aren't known for their...control the first go around and I really don't want to turn our first time into a painful and traumatic memory."
I frowned, "Okay, before we get to that, we need to talk about your first condition." I stated.
Edward looked cautious but pleased with the direction of the conversation. He wouldn't be pleased for long.
"I...I'm not too keen on the whole idea of marriage, I never have been. To me it's something you consider in your thirties, but isn't really important," His face fell at my words, "And, knowing how you feel about it makes this harder to say but I don't like the idea of getting married at eighteen," I shrugged helplessly, "It just...it would look like you'd gotten me pregnant and we were having a shotgun marriage." He looked disappointed.
"Ah." He was quiet for a while, his frown deepening as time went on. Eventually he sighed, his face clearing, his shoulders looking heavier.
"Why is it we always find ourselves at an impasse?" He asked rhetorically, obviously wishing that it wasn't the case for this issue.
I leaned my forehead against his.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. He shook his head.
"Don't be. You have every right to your opinion; it just makes this a little more difficult."
I let out a humourless chuckle.
"Because we really needed it to be harder."
Edward's hand came to draw patterns up my side as his tone grew more thoughtful.
"I've made the assumption that you want to sleep together whilst you're still human. Am I right?" He asked.
I nodded.
"Then maybe," He looked at me, trying to hide his emotions under a façade of nonchalance, "If you're more comfortable with getting married when you're thirty, we should wait." My mouth opened to protest before he had even finished but he quickly slapped a hand over my mouth.
"Just think about it Bella. You wouldn't have to marry me yet and I could have a few more years of giving you a human life," His arms tightened around me, "We could go to college – I don't care which one – and we can come back and spend Christmas with your father, go and visit your mother in the summers, you'd get longer with Jacob..." He trailed off, leaving me to think it through. I twined my hands through his hair.
"That all sounds great, Edward, but it's not what I want. I don't want to postpone my life for a decade and I especially don't want to wait that long to be with you...intimately." My face scrunched up, "I think...I should get over my discomfort with marriage. It's important to you, so I'll make it important to me."
Edward chuckled, "I feel like I should hold out on you – sex is quickly becoming a very efficient bribe." I glared at him and he laughed again, "But Bella, I don't want you to have to change what you believe for me."
"Well one of us needs to. It's either I get over the marriage thing or you get over the sex before marriage thing. But you've got the control issue as well that we need to deal with so, I'm happy to be the one to change a little now, when you need to do it later. I'd do it as a means to get closer to what I want, Edward, not for you."
His face was partially screwed up. He could see my logic but he still didn't like the idea of me changing for him.
I rolled my eyes and gave him a light kiss, "Being married is more important to you than not being married is to me. I'm okay with this...just give me a little time to wrap my head around it."
Edward stared at me for a while, looking for signs that I was lying, but eventually he nodded.
"Geez don't get so excited, I only practically agreed to marry you." I said sarcastically and he allowed himself a grin.
"I'll be more than excited in a few months when I ask you. Really, I think you're being very presumptuous at the moment." I smacked his shoulder, laughing. If I kept the topic light, I wouldn't freak out about it and I needed to avoid that as much as possible if Edward was going to remain guilt free.
And I could do that. It was quite logical. I love Edward and he loves me. I'm going to spend the rest of my life with him anyway but now I'll just get introduced as wife instead of girlfriend. It didn't really change anything...except for the fact that we'll be having sex.
The idea of being with Edward like that – every fibre of my being lit up at the thought. I could marry him to experience that kind of intimacy.
"So, getting back to my biggest issue with us making love whilst you're still human," Edward began, "I don't know how to make this easier...how to get enough control to ensure I don't kill you."
My happy thought flew away as I slammed into the next barrier to my happy sex life.
"What 'part' is the hardest to control?" I asked. My blood didn't seem to be much of a problem for him anymore, but that could just be another misinterpretation.
His frown returned, "I think my strength. It's hard to be certain when I've made sure we've never gone too far but that's always the one I have to monitor closely."
"So the blood? You're okay with that?" I prodded.
He tilted his head, frustrated, "Not exactly. It's still something I have to remain aware of," His eyes dropped down to my neck, "Especially when your heart starts beating quickly and you start warming up," He hesitated for a moment, "Feeling your heart beating through your chest when you're pressed up against me can be quite overwhelming. The vibration of it resonates through me sometimes," He shrugged, "It's the closest I get to having a heart beat and it...awakens nerves."
My cheeks flushed as I contemplated that for a moment.
"So...the blood or my heart beat is...a turn on?"
His lips tightened and his eyes moved to look at something over my head, he was clearly uncomfortable but he admitted it nonetheless.
I tried very hard to keep my smile to a minimum but when he looked at me with accusation in his eyes a small giggle was let loose. I quickly stifled my amusement and went back to the issue at hand – poor Edward looked so uncomfortable, I had to take pity on him.
"Well that's good – that the blood's not a big problem. But your strength is?"
He was intently running his fingers up the length of my forearm as he began to explain.
"I'm usually fine with strength, I learnt years ago how to maintain a human level, but when I become distracted that control slips."
"And sex is kind of one giant distraction from what's going on in your head." I nodded, understanding what he meant.
"Yes, plus the emotion of it and the physical pleasure..." He shook his head, "I'm going to crush you to death. I'll mean to run my hand down your side," His hands mimicked his words, "And I'll break your ribs." He nuzzled his face into my neck, "Or maybe as I'm kissing your neck, my teeth come to rest on your skin, you do something I like...and I bite you."
His face was anguished and I didn't have a solution to this one, I didn't know how to make it easier.
"And even if by some chance that doesn't kill you instantly and I manage to change you without drinking your blood – that whole experience isn't exactly going to make either of us keen to try again, even if you are changed."
I lifted my hand up to cup his cheek and he closed his eyes, turning into it.
"I can't lose you, Bella." He whispered and it finally struck me that Edward was afraid. This strong, beautiful, intelligent man was truly afraid and genuinely believed that he would hurt me.
I wrapped my arms around him and started laying kisses on his shoulder. I didn't know what else to do. I honestly thought that we could sleep together without him hurting me but how could I convince him?
"I love you." I murmured, running my hands along his back.
He released a shaky breath, "I love you too."
"What do we do?" I asked, "Do you want to wait until I'm changed? Or are you willing to try whilst I'm still human? Because I think we can do this if we take it slow enough."
"How?" He asked mockingly, "I can barely kiss you without feeling like I'm losing control. How are we going to sleep together? How are we going to be able to take it slow? You don't exactly have the best track record for that, either, Bella."
I bristled, "No but I tend to go for a mile every time you give me an inch because it happens so rarely," I frowned, "Look I'm not saying it'll be easy or perfect but we can do this. Let me be more involved – if I know that you're starting to struggle then I can stop too, or at least slow down or if I think you might particularly like something then I'll tell you to let go of me before I do it – I can help." I implored.
"And telling me if I'm hurting you." He said seriously.
I rolled my eyes, "Edward, if I'm in pain I'm going to tell you – there's no reason not to. But you need to trust that I can gauge how much pleasure or pain I'm in, okay." I cringed, "I don't want to push you into this. I really don't. But I do truly and whole heartedly believe that we can do this so that I come out unscathed and we both have goofy smiles on our faces."
He nodded, his hands coming up to rub his face. There was so much indecision in his expression. The angst was practically palpable. Finally he sighed.
"Okay, we'll try."
I grinned, "Seriously?"
He allowed himself a small smile, "Yes, but you better look that pleased when I propose or I'll develop a complex."
I laughed and nodded, tightly wrapping my arms back around him before kissing him again. Smiling he pulled away.
"I need to be more familiar with you though, so that the little things don't overwhelm me as much," He said, "So maybe, easing into longer kissing sessions and letting our hands wander a little more," He must have seen my eyes light up because his voice suddenly became stern, "But slowly."
"I can do slowly." I said happily, "But we need to...set boundaries. Where are my hands allowed to go?"
His pulled a face, "Can we leave the 'safe zones' where they are for now?" I was about to protest when he continued, "In exchange for the removal of my shirt?"
I could handle that condition.
"What else do you want as rules?" Trying to keep my utter excitement out of my voice was challenging, and I sensed I wasn't doing a very good job, but this was thrilling – Edward was going shirtless!
His expression changed again to what I was quickly coming to recognise as his embarrassed face.
"You, sometimes bite my neck, up around my ear…it might be best if you didn't do that."
"Really?" Yet another bit of surprising news.
He shrugged, "It just seems to be higher up on my neck. Lower is fine."
"Anything else?"
"Let's start with that." He said giving her a cheeky smile as he reached to take his shirt off.
The following make out session was probably one of the highlights of my life.
Sex with Edward was going to be so great.
So I've got a couple of follow up chapters I can post if you guys are interested. Let me know!
Vicki :)