Breaking The Habit
Memories consume
Like opening the wound
I'm picking me apart again
You all assume
I'm safe here in my room
Unless I try to start again
Draco stuffed things into his suitcase angrily. How dare his father try to force him into the Death Eater circle! He was better than that; he didn't need some pathetic sliver of a wizard command him to do the bidding he was otherwise incapable of doing.
Draco Malfoy was no lapdog.
He threw a picture frame across the room, snarling at the image of his father giving a stiff, proud smile because Draco had been made Seeker.
A position Draco secured only because bribery spoke on a higher level than skill. Try-outs hadn't been fair, and it was sickening that Potter and his posse were right about his teetering spot on the Slytherin team.
I don't want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
Stupid Saint Potter, with his godly I'm-never-wrong ways! Always flanked by the do-gooder Granger and poor-as-dirt Weasel. Didn't he know how disgraceful he was being?
If only the wretch had been smart enough to accept his offer of friendship. Things would be different. The Mudblood would've been put in her place long, long ago. As for the Weasels, they'd have been driven to shame by the first week of school.
Draco paused in his moment of fantasized-glory as he realized how untrue what he saw for the would-bes were nowhere near what it would be like.
Potter was far too good to try to place people beneath him. Because… because he saw everyone as equals.
Draco sneered. Equals, what rubbish.
But who's smarter? he asked himself. Who's the one sitting around with his friends over summer break, and who's the one running away from their problems because no one's around to care?
Draco growled, and flung his suitcase against the wall opposite his bed. He was almost thankful he'd put on the silencing charm over his room.
I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
I don't know why I instigate
And say what I don't mean
He yelled in frustration as the point his mind made drove closer and closer to home.
What good did treating everyone horribly do if it resulted in everyone cowering away in fear or disgust? No one with half a brain associated with him, and he was facing the consequences now.
Draco allowed himself to remember the horrible things he'd done and said, simply to fuel the fire so he could do what he needed to.
He called people names, he made fun of their home life, and he challenged their talent anywhere. When he thought about it, these people all had one thing in common. They had people there for them that loved and cared for them. They had people who would be willing to sacrifice their lives.
Just like Potter. That's who it always came back to anyway, right?
Draco scoffed. Compare your life to Potter's and you'll never measure up. Compare your life to his, and you'll do something that friends would cry over.
If you had any, that is.
I don't know how I got this way
I know it's not alright
So I'm breaking the habit
I'm breaking the habit
Tonight
Draco let the numbness course through him, and thought about his actions. It was all Lucius' doing.
He drilled these things into his head day in, day out. Draco received no encouraging words from the man he'd idolized most, and it was because of this man that he was so cruel and nasty.
No it's not, something within him argued. You hardly listen to the man any other time, so why choose that time to listen? It's because you liked the idea of power. Or maybe you self-consciously wanted to drive yourself to this.
Draco narrowed his eyes, unable to believe he was letting himself tear what little sanity he had left apart.
There's only one thing left to do, you know?
He blinked, numb with shock. Then he grabbed the object that would relieve his pains.
Clutching my cure
I tightly lock the door
I try to catch my breath again
I hurt much more
Than anytime before
I had no options left again
Draco made sure his door was secure, and locked all the doors to the house with a complicated spell he'd learned some odd years ago. If he was trapped, they would be, too.
He glanced down at his wand with a sort of relief. It was with this that he would show the world just what happens with snotty little rich kids who had nothing but themselves and money to rely on.
It was with this that he would spare his mother a gory sort of scene because she was the closest he'd gotten to real love. She defended him from his father. And though she never said the words or gave any other sort of affection…he knew.
I dont want to be the one
The battles always choose
'Cause inside I realize
That I'm the one confused
Quick and easy, that'd be the way he would go about it. No fuss, no muss.
Draco chuckled wryly at the thought. What he was about to do was for him, not for anyone else. Wasn't that what this was all about, anyway? Doing something for himself, to relieve the pain?
You're taking the coward's way out, his voice argued.
And there you go being the hypocrite, he shot back. You can't just push one issue and then do a sudden about-face.
Once Draco realized he was arguing with himself, he knew it had to be done. Talking to yourself was a point of loneliness. But arguing with yourself was the point of insanity.
I'll paint it on the walls
'Cause I'm the one at fault
I'll never fight again
And this is how it ends
"It's time," he said aloud for the first time.
For one brief, fleeting moment, saying it aloud made the idea seem ridiculous. For one shining moment, Draco found meaning to life.
But he had spent far too long thinking, contemplating, degrading himself to let such a second to influence his decision. He was in too deep this time.
Draco raised his wand, about to do it. Then as a second thought; an artistic thought… he pointed it to the wall instead and murmured a few Latin words softly. It sounded exquisite on his tongue, but he paid no mind.
Then he turned his wand on himself and practically whispered the fatal words.
Just beyond his limp body with the hollow smile were words etched into his wall.
"I don't know what's worth fighting for
Or why I have to scream
But now I have some clarity
To show you what I mean
I don't know how I got this way
I'll never be alright
So I'm breaking the habit
Tonight."
A/N: Yeah…that was really angsty. That wasn't the direction I was going for at all, but once I pasted the lyrics, it just came out. -Hangs head- I feel really bad killing off poor little Draco like that. But he fits so well!! Or, rather, he could.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time out to read that. I know, I KNOW, I'm sorry I killed him!
CREDIT: "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park. I don't own any rights to that song or whatever, I just like it, mmkay? Lol
[Submitted: June 15, 2004]