There was a time I remember where I spent all my time with him. We never left the house much, and dad didn't like us watching too much television or going out without him, so we would read. He taught me all the different letters of the alphabet, a few basic things about math, and generally what it was like to have someone care for you. That sounds pretty cheesy, right? But it was nice to know he was there. To have someone to ask any question in the world to, he always knew the answer. I guess I never minded not having a mom, and dad not being around much didn't phase me as much as it did him…cause' well, I grew up with his smiling face holding my hand.
It was really great, I'm probably the luckiest kid in the world to have that kind of childhood. I had everything I could ever want, he was always there. Then out of nowhere, from a woman I saw maybe twice in a blue moon, came another brother! This one wasn't like Chris at all though. Something about him just…well
Well I thought I would be really jealous of him.
I thought Chris would have to worry about this new kid and kind of side me off. I liked things just the way they were…I never imagined they could get any better. See I was all ready to be really jealous and spiteful of this kid, but the second I laid my eyes on him I just…
Felt this kind of warmth take over my body. Like I…I had the chance to be just like Chris now.
To be honest, he was pretty loud and slobbery though. Crying all day and night, chewing with his tiny gums all over my toys, and tugging at any loose strands of hair from anyones head. He was more than a handful, but when he smiled or slept…he was really cute. Really tiny and friendly, and I wanted him to have everything I got to have. Even more if at all possible.
That woman kind of faded out of our lives really quickly after that, I don't remember much of her except that Chris really didn't like her. That was fine though, I could show little Michael how letters and numbers worked.
Worked…
That was kind of what happened with Chris.
See he was a lot older than us, three years older than me, and that was just enough to put him eternally out of my grasp. He had studies and duties with dad now, and couldn't really spend much time with us anymore…
Well I can be honest here
He didn't really have any time for me anymore. Michael didn't seem to mind who he was with, and maybe…just like with our mom…he didn't notice Chris being away so much. I…did though.
One night dad was out as usual, and I was playing with Michael. I asked Chris if he wanted to take a break and play with us, but he gave us that old tired smile and shook his head no. He had work to do as usual. He looked…more tired than usual? Perhaps that was just my tiny eyes feelig a bit more crushed at losing an opportunity to spend some time with him.
So I dragged Michael behind me as he gnawed away at his soother, and decided I may as well show him some tricks that helped me remember letters from the alphabet. They were kind of babyish, and I didn't want Chris to know I still used them, so I took him into my room to teach him a few things. I know I wasn't as good as Chris when it came to explaining things, but Michael lit up in a special kind of way when he wrapped his mind around a new concept. It was…the best feeling in the world to see him happy like that.
After a while, I heard Chris come in. He was holding my old practice book where I used to write down letters and numbers…okay
Okay so I mostly doodled in it. I kind of let my mind wander when he was teaching me things, I liked drawing and stuff. What kid didn't?
Chris looked really surprised, but I didn't want to stop (I was showing off a teeny bit) in the middle of a lesson. Michael was concentrating so hard he didn't even notice him come in. Chris just smiled at us and left quietly, thinking we hadn't noticed him come in…
I…realized right after that it was kind of a sad smile. Maybe he wanted to be the one to teach Michael..?
Only after a few years did I understand he was missing us just as much as we were…missing him…
A bit after Michael started getting frustrated with his lessons (he held out longer than I ever did so I couldn't really push him) we went outside to get a snack. Our brother was kind of slumped against the couch, dozing off with a few books piled around him.
I smiled a little to myself, happy to see Chris taking a bit of a break, and didn't realize Michael had ran off. Going after him I saw that, that tiny kid was trying to drag the blanket off his own bed. Seeing where he was going, I helped him drag the cover off so we could go drape it over Chris' sleeping body.
Michael then began tugging at my arm like when he wanted to be picked up. He was pretty heavy for me to lift back then, but I complied anyways. Was kind of curious as to what the kid wanted to do. Squirming up and clinging closely to me, Michael leaned over, now properly elevated to his level, and smacked a big, sloppy kiss on his forehead. Michael was still a baby…he really had no idea how to kiss properly. He'd just kind of press his lips softly to your face and slobber all over it.
Letting him slide back down, I took Michael to grab a few cookies and juice boxes from the cupboard. He was starting to yawn at that point, so after eating we went to my bed to kind of lay down together. I remembered sleeping with Chris when I was scared of things when I was little—littler.
It felt so strange to miss someone so much, especially when they were in the room just next to yours. You could still touch them and say good morning, but they were so far apart…
Feeling my eyes grow heavier, I nearly fell asleep when I felt Chris' lips press gently against his forehead. So Chris had gotten up? Mmm…that was nice…he could get up and tell him about how Michael was progressing…
But I'm sure I fell asleep after that thought.
When I woke up that morning I got up by myself (Michael has always been an early riser) to see that Chris was talking excitedly with dad about something. Michael was hanging off dads pant leg giggling as well, so I came over to see what the big news was.
"Ah Thomas, awake now are we?"
"Yeah dad, umm, Chris why are you wearing your bag?" Chris didn't have school on Sundays or anything.
"I'm going to start working with dad in his lab!" Chris informed me, his eyes glistening with excitment.
"Yes, you and Michael will have to be nice to your nanny, alright?"
"Bye bye Chris!" Michael giggled. I think he was just happy to see Chris and dad so happy…but I…
"Why does Chris get to go?" I said. I already knew the answer. What I wanted to say was, "Why did Chris have to go? He was never around as it was…so…" But it wasn't like I could just say that out of the blue. It'd make me look childish and insecure.
"You can come along when you're a bit older Thomas, don't worry dear," dad coddled, pressing his lips to my forehead. I kind of sided this off though, and didn't look up at Chris. I…wanted to be happy for him but…
"Be good now Thomas, take care of Michael" was all Chris said, ruffling my hair a bit and turning back to dad.
I was going to make a bigger deal out of it, but Michael began tugging at my hand.
"Books, books!" he chattered. His favorite word. He really liked the idea of holding big books and reading out loud from them. I thought it was pretty cute, frustrating at times, but overall pretty cute. Forcing something of a smile at them, I turned away to go play with Michael as usual.
"Okay, let's go Michael." I felt pretty deflated, but the sparkle in his eyes had me feeling better already. Even if Chris didn't want to play with me…I was luckier than anyone else to have someone like Michael around. He was my friend. He made me feel good about myself, he made me feel needed…feel wanted.
As the hours wore on, I watched as Michael dozed off on his regularly scheduled nap. On the left side of me I was a faded sillhouette of where Chris used to lay next to me and I had to sigh.
He'd come back later at night like dad did now…he'd come back, but he wouldn't be the same anymore.
We'd never spend time together like we used to…he'd just smile down at me like dad would. Not like a friend anymore, but like an older, more refined version of our father.
I hate to admit to myself how much I still miss spending time with that kid…with my friend…
I'm glad I had Michael…I'm glad I have Michael. He's growning up too, and it makes me proud to see how he's adjusting back to the normal world. I can still tease him and tell him he's a dork…
But I'll never get Chris back. I guess it's time I accpeted that.