Blue Nails and White Halls
AN: A late Christmas present for my PO followers and for my awesome ex-beta… Haven't been able to find a decent beta ever since though... Anyway, happy 2014.
SYN: Another Post Purple Obssession Short. Spoilers. Gakupo is always surrounded by white, peaceful reassuring white. Noone's going to hurt him there, but a shade of blue comes to revive painful terrifying memories.
Xxx
He liked the hallways the most. They were always white, painted in a soft white color. Even though he didn't like being inside because it smelled like anti-septic and urine, and there were always people wandering around moaning, grunting and crying, he liked being inside because it was white. He himself was one of those who wandered aimlessly in those halls, but, he was always quiet. He wasn't a noisy person, so it made sense if he was quiet.
Once in a while he would walk outside and sit down in the bench, staring at the flowers, feeling the sun, the wind, even when it rained, he liked the outside. He liked feeling that on his face. There was a distant memory that told him that, for a long period of time, all he could feel was dirt and humidity, so he liked being outside feeling those sensations to the max.
He also liked the colors, white was his favorite, it was calm and he enjoyed it, but he enjoyed the green also and the blue, but for some reason, blue always made him feel sad, distant as if something was missing, something he could not have back or pain would return.
"Gakupo-san!" He heard someone call his name and a woman, a young woman ran to him, she sat beside him smiling gently. "Everyone is going inside for group therapy, don't you want to join us, Gakupo-san?"
All he could do was stare at her. She was pretty, with long blue hair and blue eyes. Doctor Yuri-chan, she reminded him of someone, someone who made him feel glad, happy. He didn't respond to her, he just smiled, he wasn't sure of what to say and felt afraid of saying something wrong that might get her mad at him.
"Come Gakupo-san, come with us…" She asked but he didn't move.
He had already diverted his attention away from her, to his feet. He was white also, well, not as white as the halls inside of the building, but he was pale. He stared at his toenails; they were starting to need some trimming, but there was something missing, there was color missing. He reminded himself that there was a time that he used to paint them, purple… he used to paint them purple, his hands too, but now, they had no color. They were always painted purple, except one time, someone else had purple nails and his were blue.
The doctor brushed his head gently and walked away, he could hear her speak: "Someone keep an eye on him, we don't want him to hurt himself again. He's having one of those days."
"Ma'am, he always has those days," someone else said.
Silence returned and he remained there, trying to remember that vague memory about the time someone painted his nails blue, but instead of the memory, what returned to him were the white halls. He wasn't sure how long he stayed there staring at the sky, vacantly, his own thoughts were so fleeting that he couldn't even grasp them, but in the end, that image of blue nails returned to him, they had some meaning into them.
Those hands, big and calloused with blue nails, they were gentle, they were kind and warm, and they felt him feel safe, , they would caress him they made him feel… what? Content? No, something… deeper, stronger. But there was sadness in them, a deep painful sadness, as if… he lost something. But there was safety in the blue, someone had saved him and there was blue present, saved him from a nightmare where there was no light, no sun, just dirt, humidity and fear.
"Gakupo-san, you're still there?" The doctor had returned, she smiled and him gently, but he didn't look at her, when she sat down he realized she also had blue hair. Someone else did too… Blue hair, blue eyes, but her nails weren't blue. Whose nails were those? "What are you thinking about Gakupo?"
She brushed his head again and he looked down. In a low hesitant voice, as if he was afraid to speak he said: "Nails… Blue nails. Do… Do I know someone with blue nails? Doctor Yuri-sama… Do I know someone with blue nails?"
She smiled brightly. That was a progress to her, something very good. "Yes Gakupo, you know someone with blue nails, who is it Gakupo? What do you remember?"
"I… I don't know…"
She sat beside him. "Come on Gakupo, don't be afraid, what do you feel, you can tell Yuri-chan," she said, referring to herself in first name.
"Doctor," suddenly one of the nurses said. "There are visitors for Patient 12045."
"Oh, do you hear that Gakupo-san, someone has come to visit you!" She said smiling and glared at the nurse. "Let's go Gakupo-san, I'll take you to your visitors!"
She held Gakupo's hand and helped him up dragging him behind her, he heard the doctor speaking in a reprehensive low tone with her nurse.
A long sigh coming from the doctor ended up sending the young man back to his thoughts. He had a feeling that someone dear to him had placed him in there. Why was it again? He couldn't well remember, he knew it hadn't been a long time ago. But everyday looked like a long to him and sometimes he wasn't really sure what days it was or what time of the day, or even if he was still in the same day at all. Sometimes, he would just realize he was standing somewhere with no recollection of how he got there.
Once he heard someone, who was it, he remembered seeing yellow and brown and white, who was it? Someone Big. Someone big once said he was getting worse, but he couldn't quite remember who.
"Gakupo, Gakupo-san?"
He opened his eyes and saw the doctor smiling at him. He was sat on his bed, back to his room. When did he got there? He looked at the doctor, there were people behind her. Familiar people, people that he knew, people that he… cared for?
"Gakupo-san, do you know who's behind me?" She asked and stepped away. He nodded in silence staring over the people by the door.
One had bright red hair and red eyes and the second one, who wasn't looking into the room and seemed quite sad, had blue hair and blue eyes.
Blue…
"Gaku-san! You look skinny!" The red haired one said with a smile and sat beside him.
"He hasn't been eating right still?" The man by the door asked and the doctor shook her head.
"Sometimes we have to force him to eat."
"Do you know who I am?" The red-haired asked. He nodded in answer. The person by the door looked at the doctor.
"Gakupo-san, who is he? Can you tell me?"
He looked at the red hair, he didn't like that color it reminded him… pain, he hugged himself and crawled away from the red-haired man on his bed, hitting his back against the wall and hugging his knees. Red, so much red, and pain and he remembered it. The doctor kept calling him, asking him to say something saying it was okay, that he could speak. He knew that man, oh yes he knew him. He was his friend and he knew it, how could have forgotten his friend?
"Yes Gakupo-san?"
"Ak-kaito," he answered and the red-haired male smiled looking back at the bluenette by the door. "His… n-name is Akaito."
"And who is he, Gakupo-san? What do you remember of him?"
He leaned over to the red-haired and took his hands to his neck, the doctor got up instantly ready to step in if the youngster tried anything. "N-nails," he said, the red-haired blinked surprised and looked the doctor. "I r-remember nails and… red… red…" He touched the red-haired's neck brushing his fingers against a few scars that he had there. "D-does it hurt?"
"No, Gakupo, it's okay," the red-haired smiled gently and held his hands, Gakupo pulled away. "That's right, but it's all okay now."
The Vocaloid nodded in silence and looked over at the bluenette by the door.
"Gakupo, do you know who that is?" He pointed at the bluenette by the door. "Who is that?"
"Noone important…" The bluenette answered looking away, and he tilted his head. "He seems to be getting better."
Blue… There was blue. He knew that person also… Who was he?
"Brother…" he answered. "He's your brother?" he asked staring at the red-haired who nodded. "I know Akaito… but I can't remember from where."
"He has dissociative amnesia, and repressed a lot of memories mister Shion, plus his apathetic state doesn't help, but we have gotten some improvements, he has started interacting with others. Mostly just staring at them, but for someone who wouldn't even move it is an improvement," the doctor said. "Sometimes he talks. Some days he's more talkative than others. The other day he remembered one of your fellow Vocaloids… Big Al I think, over something as silly as a Pucca cellphone charm."
The bluenette chuckled. "Al gave him a whole collection of Pucca things a few years ago, the charm was one of them. He lost the charm with his cellphone when… well, that happened."
She nodded. "Well, we gave him the charm, and have asked him more things of mister Al, he seems to remember him. Right Gakupo?"
"Al?"Gakupo asked confused.
"Who gave you the Pucca doll?"
"Oh… Big Al!" He brightened up. "He also gave me a t-shirt and a couple of boxers… Al is such a weaboo…"
"Well, that's Al alright," Akaito said laughing.
"Hey Akaito," Gakupo suddenly asked and the doctor smiled pleased. "When do you think Al and Luka will tie the knot?"
"Having people he recognizes interacting with him aids him recover memories. But more than recovering them, we are trying to get him to deal with the more… unpleasant ones."
"As soon as you get home Gakupo! Luka wants you to be her best-man, but don't tell her I told you."
"Me?! I thought she'd ask Miku," Gakupo said surprised.
"Miku? Who's Miku, Gakupo-san?" The doctor asked.
"Miku?" Didn't she knew who Miku was. "Our friend, Miku Hatsune, famous Vocaloid, high pitch, aqua green pigtails? She lives in the Manor with us…"
Suddenly something crossed his mind and he brushed his head. "I no longer live there… why?"
"Akaito, let's go, Doctor we'll talk with you at your office."
"Huh?" Akaito did looking at his brother surprised. Suddenly Gakupo grabbed his arm.
"Akaito… why don't I live in the Manor anymore… Something happened to my apartment and I was living in the manor… And… I'm forgetting something."
"Don't worry Ga-kun, you'll be back to the Manor in no time!" The red-haired gave an apologetic look at him and got up following both the bluenette and the doctor. He sat there. There was something wrong, why did he felt such a weight in his heart? Then he noticed it.
"Blue nails!" He yelled and sprinted off of his bed and grabbed the bluenette's hands while he was politely letting the doctor leave first.
Blue nails, he had blue nails, beautiful blue nails, calloused hands and blue nails. "I remember them!" He smiled, for their surprise he smiled at the bluenette. "I remember you… you're…" Suddenly he paled up and left go of the bluenette's hands stepping back.
"No! Nononononono!" And he stepped back in panic taking his hands to his head in genuine fear. "No! I c-can't see you! No! He c-can't know you're here! You're not here! I swear I'm not thinking of him! He's not here! I'm not thinking of him! I don't even know who he is! I'm a good doll, I'm not misbehaving, I'm good!"
"Gakupo, calm down. He isn't here! He won't hurt you, it is okay…" The doctor said walking over to him.
As she tried to touch him he smacked her hands away, stepping back, yelling, yelling constantly that he was good, that he didn't do anything wrong. No. He would come for him! He would harm him, and harm them, like he did to Len! He would hurt him!
"Where is it?!" Gakupo yelled looking around I complete panic. "I need it! If he comes back… If he finds me and knows… he's going to hurt me again! He's going to drug me and cut me! And he'll make me sing."
"Gakupo! He is not here!" The doctor said. "Noone's going to hurt you, you're safe, with friends who care for you and..."
"YOU'RE LYING! Where is the knife?! He HAS it, doesn't he! He'll make me sing: Pull the skin, rip the flesh, cut the nerves, break the bones! I have to sing! I'm good, master."
"Gakupo," the bluenette called and walked in, as the doctor ran out to call the nurses. "Gakupo you're okay! He's been caught! No one's going to harm you!"
"Don't hurt me master!" Gakupo begged looking at Kaito, stepping away. "He's dead master… I don't think of him anymore! I promise… You killed him… He's dead. I'll sing for you… I'll sing for you while you carve my skin, master. I'll sing."
He no longer had the knife! He no longer had the knife to protect himself. He was at the man's mercy. He left himself fall to the ground, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth repeating over and over again the same thing, he had gone back into a catatonic state, repeating: "Pull the skin, rip the flesh, cut the nerves, break the bones! See, I'm good. Pull the skin, rip the flesh, cut the nerves, break the bones…"
The doctor and the nurses returned. They walked over to Gakupo who withdrew startled the moment they got close to him. Struggling, yelling in the most inhumane way they had ever heard, he tried to get away from the nurses. One held a syringe on her hand, the moment he spotted it, he freaked out. He kicked one of the nurses so hard in the face, they heard his nose break, it took two other nurses to hold him, while the third closed in with the syringe, the forth one, held his hand over his bleeding nose. And he restarted yelling, the moment they pulled his arm and placed the needle against his skin. He yelled as if he was trapped in a cage with lions, nowhere to run and they had caught him and where now shredding him to pieces. The bluenette covered his eyes and ran out, while his red twin watched as the nurses finally sedated the purple-haired Vocaloid. The dose they gave him must have been very strong, because in a matter of seconds, the Vocaloid started to calm down and fell numb on the nurses' arms. They could still hear a faint murmur coming from Gakupo, something like:
"I'm sorry…" And, "he's dead…"
"I swear I didn't know that would happen!" Akaito yelped once he was directed by the Doctor to her office, where they found an upset bluenette rubbing his temples. "Kaito… why didn't you warn me that would happen? Is that why you didn't want to come? Is that why you won't come to visit him."
"I asked him not to," the doctor said crossing her arms and motioning them to enter her office. "Not until he is prepared."
"My god…" Akaito murmured. "I'm so sorry Kaito! My god! I called you a heartless bastard because you wouldn't come to visit Gakupo, especially since Al… my god… I'm so sorry brother! I didn't knew. H-how… How can anyone see him like that?!"
"The nurse whose nose he broke… is he alright?" Kaito simply asked.
"He'll be fine. Not the first time Gakupo breaks his nose," the doctor said with a sigh. "Gakupo is ill and weak, but when in a state like that one, he conjures up tremendous strength…"
"Will he get better?" Akaito asked.
"Mister Gakupo will eventually remember you Kaito, your memory will especially take longer, the memory of you and mister Kagamine are the most painfull ones he has," she explained. "What happened to both of you, what that man did to induce fear and obedience unto him…"
"The knife, he… that knife?" Akaito asked.
"Yes," the doctor explained. "Gakupo earned his freedom with that knife and ever since then, he has made of the image of that knife as his only form of protection. He believes that without it, he's defenseless. The knife, a sword, anything with a blade. "
"Typical samurai," Kaito mumbled.
"Do not speak with him about what happened nor about mister Len or Kaito," she said. "He will speak of it himself when he feels ready, do not lie, regardless of how hard it is, be vague if the answer he is looking for is one he's not ready to receive just yet."
"I understand…"
White… White halls and a white ceiling. Gakupo enjoyed white, it was peaceful. When did he fall asleep, however? He didn't quite remember. He sat up and saw red in his room, but it was a person, a person with red hair and he knew that person. The person jumped up the moment he sat up, and he smiled at the person.
"Akaito!" He called. "What are you doing here?"
A sad smile appeared on Akaito's face. "I came to check on you, don't you remember?"
"Oh… yes," Gakupo said. "We were talking about Al and Luka! Did I fall asleep? I must have been tired."
"Yes, that's probably it," Akaito pointed out smiling again sadly.
"I'm sorry! I don't find you boring!" Gakupo said.
"It's okay, I know!" Akaito said chuckling and patting his friend on the back.
"Anyway, how are the others?" Gakupo asked. "I haven't seen them in a while, for some reason."
"They have been alright," he said. "They all miss you."
"I am ill, aren't I?" Gakupo asked looking down, a sad smile on his face. "That's why I am here, right?"
"Yes," Akaito answered. "But you'll get better! And when you do, we'll make a welcome party just for you!"
White halls around him, everywhere. Nurses walked side to side, and patients wondered around. A mentally ill man was right next to Kaito, smiling and making odd signs at him. He didn't talk, only smiled at Kaito as if he knew Kaito was in pain, trying to give some invisible object that only he appeared able to see. Kaito tried his best to maintain calm. His heart ached as he heard his brother talk with the other Vocaloid inside. The man made a loud noise next to Kaito and showed him something on his hand that only he could see. Kaito smiled sadly at him.
"I can't see my own boyfriend," he explained to the man, who stopped smiling at eyed him, as if he understood his pain. "If he sees me he snaps… Well, at least I can hear my friends and my brother talking to him, at least that way I know he's getting a bit better. You'll keep me company?"
The man nodded and patted Kaito in the back, motioning Kaito to grab whatever he was seeing on his hand, and Kaito did as he said nd grabbed the invisible delusion as the man did before. The man instructed him to pet it and Kaito did as the man said. Curiously, Kaito felt a bit better. There he was, on a white hall, the broken shell of the man he loved behind those white walls talking with his brother, while he was comforted by a sick man.
Life surely is ironic…