For Anidori-Kiladra: she's wonderful even though I've been shorting her on her real fic.
THIS IS A PARODY!! Ever read one of those random slash fics, where the two guys just kinda go at it with no plot or motive? And everybody is horny?
Harry James Potter, of number four, Privet Drive, was currently as far away from his 'home' as it was possible for him to be. Well, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, for with broomsticks to ride (which was a favorite pastime of Harry's) or the squeezing-into-a-magical-tube-apparition (which Harry did not like at all) he could have been further away, but currently he was as far as he needed to be. For Harry was at Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry.
Specifically, he was is the Great Hall and...was sucking on a push-pop?
Well, thus far the muggle world has only had news of this Potter boy from an agent who goes by the name of J.K-ing, or maybe Rowling, or something like that. Agent J.K. reports quite well, though many of the subject's trivial habits or likes have been left out. The Muggle world is aware of Potter's like of riding on the hard, wild stick—brooms, they call them. They have also been told Potter abhors apparition, which is apparently a feeling quite like entering a tight tube. He quite often clutches his wand—it's described as 'magical'--with or without clothes, and often shivers and moans in bed, clutching his head.
Who knows? Maybe the subject also enjoys sucking on push-pops...or maybe...but no, it's to horrible to think.
A blond, ferret-like sex-god approached Mr. Potter from the left, swaggering is an extremely curved way. J.K forgot to include the line on which Malfoy walked was definitely not straight, through that does not lessen the attraction many have to him.
"So, Potter, I hear you've got a new broomstick. Another rich criminal buying your crap—I know it's not the Weasley dump." The xanthacroidic teen smirked. Seeing as an irate Ginny Weasley was lounging on the table bench next to Potter, his comments may not have been the most intelligent.
"Malfoy! You pig; Harry, tell--" She screamed, her eyes (which were also busy checking Malfoy out) flashing sexily even as she yelled (It seems many students and teachers and even houselves manage to achieve this feat) .
Harry stood up and Ginny grinned at him in pleasure that he cared about them enough to face the blond brat for them. Never did she think that Draco had insulted Harry (or his godfather) as well. However, Harry surprised her not by telling Draco off, but by--
--shething his push-pop in it's plastic/rubber container (rubber from the new grip the push-pops had) , and making a show of licking his lips to moisten their already sticky pink. Malfoy gupled as he watched Harry's tongue flick out of his mouth in their activity.
Dang, thought Pansy Parkinson as she watched the conversation from afar. She wasn't a stalker as much as the far away view showed Draco's arse better. Wow that Granger girl has nice knockers! Maybe if I pretend to like houselves she'll knock me out with them...
Hermione, you see, had just walked into the Great Hall and carrying her load (of books) made her way to the table to set her stuff down, heaving heavily. Ron came in next, like a bee attracted to Hermione's flowers. You see, the Weasleys don't believe in deflowerization, but to pollinate the other plants a healthy round of rubbing legs to all the field must occur.
Ron, however, forgot all about the female flowers when he saw the sun-sucked (or is the term kissed?) skin of Blaise Zambini. The youth's darker skin contrasted with the silver of his uniform, and Ron was interested in the manufacture of such clothing. Though he didn't often show it, Ron had a fabric fetish and he now longed to fit Mr. Zambini.
Meanwhile, Harry was still standing and now playing with the up-down mechanics of the push-pop. The pink (cherry) flavored stick was sliding up out of the tube (with the help of Harry's thumb) and Ginny and Draco were watching it hypnotized.
"Potter...Potter...what are you...doing?" Draco stammered, his white shirt straining at their buttons as his chest heaved with his excitement.
"Oh," Harry relied, also running his hand through his hair, "I'm making you my sex slave."
Mr. Zambini was observing the scene with mild interest, but soon began to feel...watched. He turned around and sure enough there stood Ronald Weasley, his ears red from embarrassment at being caught staring. The Weasley's hair and clothes were disheveled, his shirt untucked. He sure looked hot. Well...
The man in question flushed at the returned gaze of the Slytherin and turned bright red at the suggestive eyebrow raised. He walked over to the enemy table (though he was only thinking about a person at the moment) and leaned close to his host. "What?"
"I'm bored, Weasley. Want to go find a broom closet?"
"What!" Ron whispered hoarsely in lusty surprise, "But I'm a guy and you're a guy and--"
Zambini waved his arm impatiently. "Yes, I'm aware of that. At least, I'm aware that I'm a guy. Are you?"
Ron choked in indignation, flushing angrily. "Of course I'm--"
Blaise cocked his...eyebrow. "Sure, Weasley, I've never heard that one before." (Wow those Slytherins are a sly and tricky bunch...they're also slick and sticky...)
"I'll prove it!" Ron declared, grabbing the smaller boy by the waist.
Together, they exited the Great Hall to find some...evidence of Ron's manhood.
Meanwhile, Luna Lovegood meandered into the mist of the passionate teens still in the hall. She happened to be topless, with a multitude of henna tattoos drawn around her, her, her abs. She was also carrying a long carved staff. The staff had rainbows and unicorns, as well as some—sophic inspiration.
Ginny tore her eyes from Harry's ministrations and looked at her year-mate. "Wow, la Luna, what's with that really, queer staff. And what happened to your robes? (not that I'm complaining, you dirty Ravenclaw)."
"Oh, Ginevra, hello. This is the day of the fuzzy-butted monkeys, didn't you know? All must engage in the special rites of the pitted shaft. I have painted on the symbols of protection. It must be done upon the bare busom, or the potion will not turn brown from it's original white. You seem to be unprotected! Want me to help? I do have a shaft, you know."
After Luna finished her response, Ginny was done with her master (Harry) and was willing to move onto new and different things. "I'd love to have your help with painting my boobs and getting the pitted staff--"
Luna corrected, "Shaft." and they went out of the great hall together to obtain...protection from the fuzzy-butted monkeys.
Now, Harry and Draco, it seems, were to busy exchanging lustful glances to notice the absence of that Ginny girl.
What will happen to Harry and Draco? Will Pansy and Hermione find each other in the midst of all this...drowning of sanity? What did Ron do to prove his manhood? Will Luna and Ginny achieve protection? Find out next update...
...if you review!