Just Looking

CSI: Vegas, Friendship/Romance, Sara S./Catherine W. Songfic. One Shot. Slight femslash, if you don't like it, run away as fast as you can. Song is "I'm just looking" by Stereophonics, but I'm rather hearing the beautiful cover by ortopilot in my mind.

Disclaimer: I don't own either CSI or its characters or are any of the lyrics mine. I only make money through cooking and nothing else.

A/N: This is my first, so please don't hesitate to critizise (constructively, please) or comment in any way. I'm actually looking forward to any kind of feedback.

And thank you, ILoveJorja, for being my beta on this one and hopefully more stories to come, and for leaving me finally content with this one, thanks to your editing...

Sara's POV

There's things I want
There's things I think I want
There's things I've had
There's things I wanna have

I don't often think about what I want. I think about goals, achievements, assignments. When I was young, I could never have what I wanted. I had to work harder than anyone else I knew to get to the point where I am now. Being smart helped, but I had to work my butt off to get through college, unlike most other students. I never thought I had the right to want anything, in a selfish kind of way that is. Of course, I wanted my degrees and I wanted a good job, I wanted to be good, if not the best, at what I do, but that's all related to my professional life, not 'private me.' I am content with very little. A place to live. Lots of books and magazines. My CD collection. My guitar. A comfortable bed for the few hours I'm actually able to sleep. Clothes that suit their purpose. But what do I want? What did I ever want, just for me?

I wanted to be left alone. After all I went through I've never been too good with people. I have my friends, most of them from my Frisco days. I hold them dear, but there are not many of them. I want my freedom. Apart from work, I don't want anyone to tell me what to do.

In college, I wanted to be loved. To know what it felt like when someone really cared about you, loved you, unconditionally, not for what you are, but for who you are. But it never really worked out. The first time I really fell in love, my heart got broken so badly that honestly I never tried again.

But somewhere deep inside, I still wanted to know what it could feel like. I wanted to know if the real thing, may, in the end, really exist. The right one, the one who was not taken aback when she got to know my history, my emotional weaknesses, my fears, and the reason of my still at times so-very-vivid nightmares. For the many reasons I am a loner. It's not hard to find someone for a night, to feel alive for a couple of hours, with no further expectations. It helped sometimes to have the physical contact: the sweat, the sounds, the smell, and the hands all over my body. It was an easy fix for all too human needs, but nothing more. I've had my share of one night stands, but that's not what I'm looking for right now, to be really honest with myself. I want the whole package. But only with this one woman do I want it.

Do I want the dreams
The ones we're forced to see
Do I want the perfect wife
The word perfect ain't quite right

And that will forever be just a nice little fantasy to get me through lonely nights, a dream. When I can't sleep at night, I feel her graceful, small but strong hands on my face, caressing my cheeks. Her breath is close to my ear while her mouth closes over my earlobe and she sucks gently at it, then down my jaw and finally finding my lips, with a chaste kiss at first, then up to my nose and kissing my crown before returning to my mouth to kiss me harder, licking my lips, seeking entry and then our tongues battle in an endless fight for control. Her hands are on my shoulders, my collarbones, moving down to the undersides of my breasts before she flicks her thumbs over both nipples and I arch up...

Like I said, it is a dream. She is my dream. It isn't like that perfect kind of fantasy, where everything is easy - no quarrels, no fights, no dreaded daily routine. I don't want perfect. I just want her. Yeah, and it's damn hard to admit that. I want her. I want her along with everything that would mean. We fight at work, all the time, so it surely wouldn't stop at the doorstep, but we're also a magnificent team. She's emotional and sometimes overreacts, but she's the hardest worker I know and devoted to whatever she does consider important, like her daughter for instance. Yes, 'devoted' is the just the right word.

Shopping every day
Take it back the next break
They say the more you fly the more you
Risk your life

You could say that after years, we finally got accustomed to one another. I wouldn't say we're friends yet, but we might be getting there, if we both learn to swallow our pride from time to time. That doesn't really work so well yet. I met her and her daughter at the mall yesterday. The kid really likes me. I've met her at work a few times and we shared a few conversations at the infrequent team parties at her Mom's house. She's inherited her mother's wit and charm and she's quite the smartass, but in a good, eager teenager kind of way. She never stops asking questions. She might be the only one who found out, all by herself, that I'm gay. And she knows I like her mother. Very much so. Like I said, she is smart and very observant.

It happened three months ago. It was Nicky's birthday and we celebrated it at her house. Everyone was in a very good mood. There was plenty of food and booze and the boys had their fair share and so had I, but I was caught up in a conversation with the kiddo, so I had stopped drinking at some point. Though I tried to concentrate hard to follow her, I couldn't help following her mother's movements around the living room out of the corner of my eyes. She wore a light blue dress that complemented her blue eyes and hugged her slim, but very womanly body perfectly. She had just kicked off her heels and walked barefoot towards the kitchen to retrieve another round of beers from the fridge. She swayed just the tiniest bit and my gaze was fixated at her tush, until I felt an elbow poking into my ribs.

"Ouch!" I exclaimed.

"Serves you right! Are you done staring at my Mom? Did you even hear what I tried to tell you?" the teenager stated seriously, but she couldn't help that a little smile came creeping into the corners of her mouth. "Sara, can I ask you something? And please promise you won't lie to me?"

I looked at her, flabbergasted. Shit, if she had noticed me staring absent-mindedly at her Mom, what about the others? No, I was safe there. We were sitting on the floor. The others around the living room table were caught up in their talk and laughing, emptying their bottles, and not paying any attention to us.

"Of course you can, Linds. I've always been honest with you, you know?" I said, curious at what she wanted to ask.

"Okay, I got two things to ask you. One: Sara, are you gay? And two: Do you have a crush on my Mom?"

I just stared at her with a blank expression, mouth agape. I couldn't answer, I was literally speechless.

"It's okay," she went on, and I was thankful that I didn't have to answer straightaway. "I don't have a problem with you liking girls. I don't have prejudices. Mom taught me so. And I always thought there was something different about you, I just couldn't figure out what exactly what it was. But I've seen the way you look at Mom a couple of times now, and I'm convinced that you have a huge crush on her. Mel, from my class, she has the same expression when Pete comes into the room. She almost drools, it's just too funny..." she babbled on, and I was still thankful.

I'm just looking I'm not buying
I'm just looking keeps me smiling

I was still at a loss for words. She stopped talking and just looked at me.

"Linds, however you figured that out, you're right. I won't lie to you, I promised. I've always liked girls more than boys, though I had some boyfriends it didn't work out. In the end, it didn't work out with any special girl, too, so far. But mostly I fall in love with girls, yes. And about Cath...I don't know. We argue so much, we fight, I always get the feeling I can do nothing right, but still, I guess I've grown to like her. Very much. But I'd be happy if we could be friends and finally bury the hatchet. But I think she just doesn't like me that much after all."

Lindsey looked at me the same attentive way Catherine does when she searches for a clue, or when she looks at inconclusive evidence.

"Mom can be so unfair. I know what you mean. But I know she likes you, she often tells me how good you are at work, how much she admires your ability to concentrate and see things that others overlook."

I was astounded. She talked about me with her daughter? She even complimented me on my work!

"You still haven't answered my second question, Sara..." Lindsey reminded me.

"You know, cupcake, your Mom is a quite beautiful woman. And sometimes I like to look at her." How for heaven's sake was I to explain to a thirteen year old that I have feelings for her mother, without being too direct or even... that my stomach tingles with anticipation every time I stand a little too close to her. That lately a simple gesture, like her hand landing apologetically on mine after we have an argument...or the accidental brush between our bodies on a doorstep...could set me on fire. My fantasy ran wild. Catherine actually likes me. Lindsey trusts me and likes to hang out with me. Maybe...No, don't even go there. She likes you as a colleague, as a friend maybe. She's as straight as can be. I never heard or noticed anything different. Don't go there. It's bad enough as it is.

"Really, Sara?" She made a disbelieving 'tsk' noise, then got up and held her hand out. I took it and got up, too. Lindsey hugged me and said she liked me very much, I shouldn't worry so much and that she's tired and wanted to go up to her room. I squeezed back and told I do like her too, and that there's nothing to worry about. She just rolled her eyes and disappeared up the stairs.

I lifted my glass off the floor and headed to the kitchen to get a beer. Catherine stood at the sink and smiled at me when I came over.

A house I seen, another coulda been
You drenched my head and said what I said
You said that life is what you make of it
Yet most of us just fake

"Did she monopolize you again? You know, you can tell me if it becomes too much, you don't always have to spend your whole evening on the floor with Lindsey." She looked at me a bit worried. She was just gorgeous. And the colour of her eyes changed with her mood. She was completely at ease that night and her eyes were sky blue. She was just so beautiful.

I don't know if I stared at her a second or two too long. My mind played tricks on me - I saw her, Lindsey, and me, coming home after a day at the mall, laughing, carrying our shopping bags into the house, collapsing on the sofa, exhausted. I saw us eating ice cream, or watching some funny movie.

"Sidle, are you okay with that?"

Excuse me, with what? I didn't even hear what she said. Judging by the flush of heat I felt invading my cheeks, I surely sported a serious blush.

She blinked, than chuckled a bit. "I said, if you like, you could stay a bit. The boys are about to leave, there's some big football game and they want to watch it in that bar, you know, the one we used to go to. I have to stay here. I can't leave Linds alone, so I thought you'd maybe like to stay and keep me company? We haven't had the chance to talk yet."

I grinned and told her that I'd love to stay a little longer. We said goodbye to the boys and settled down on the couch with our drinks. She looked at me curiously. Then her face grew serious.

"You know what, I have to apologize to you."

Where the hell did that come from? I could see from her slightly rosy cheeks that she must have had a couple of drinks already, but that alone didn't explain that certain change of behaviour toward me.

"What for?" I tried to ask very casually.

"For sometimes being so harsh, so rude. For always picking at you. For starting fights with no legitimate reason. I don't know why I react to you that way, I just do and sometimes I realize that I must have hurt you countless times. I have no reason to belittle your abilities. You're damn good at what you do, you know?"

For the second that night I was speechless. I surely hadn't expected her to even realize her flaws, much less admit them and apologize. If I hadn't already fallen for her bad, I would have then.

"It's okay." That's all I could manage to say.

"We fight every day to make this city a little safer; we try to catch whoever hurt other people. We fight for their families, their friends and in time I got a little hard. I wanted to protect Lindsey, first and foremost, after Eddie died. I can't even remember having a private life any more. Most of my flings are just that, flings. A nice distraction. Nothing more. I sometimes wonder when I stopped living for another reason other than Lindsey and work." Her eyes were watery and I just couldn't seem to grab what she just told me. Me of all people! I didn't expect her to ever put that much trust in me to tell me her fears and her sorrows. But she even went on, without turning her head away from the bookshelf she was looking at.

"I was so angry with you. You know why, at least in the beginning. And then you investigated Eddie's death and you just couldn't find any answers, much less his murderer. I thought you hadn't taken the case seriously enough. I thought you hadn't done your best because I had always been so rude and cold to you. I thought it was your kind of revenge. I was mad, furious even. I yelled at you. I shouldn't have. I should've known better. There is not one job you'd do half-heartedly. And I'm sorry I misjudged you. I know you tried harder than anyone else would have."

I don't know what got into me then. I took her hand and placed a soft kiss on the inside of her palm. "Thank you, Cath."

She turned at me with eyes as wide as saucers. There was something in her glance I couldn't describe, I didn't dare to describe. I would have interpreted it as desire, if it hadn't been Catherine I was facing. I shifted on the sofa towards her, not letting go of her hand. But I didn't comment on the gesture or the glint in her eyes at all. She neither flinched at my rather bold and reckless gesture nor tried to extract her hand from mine.

"I'm not mad," I told Catherine. "I just didn't know what in the world I had done wrong to earn that kind of attitude from you. Please don't tell her, because she puts a lot of trust in me and I really like her very much. But Lindsey told me, that you actually don't loathe me as much as it sometimes seems. And to be honest, I like you, too, Cath."

She closed her eyes and squeezed my hand, just a bit. There was a change I never expected to happen. Our whole relationship, our friendship (if you could even speak of it in those terms) had completely changed during those twenty minutes. We had been honest with each other for the first time, apart from the work on cases, of course. She still hadn't withdrawn her hand. She even held on to mine a bit stronger. I simply looked at her a moment longer and felt a wave of warmth flooding through my whole body. And need. But I couldn't risk what we had just begun to establish, as strong as the foolish impulse was to just lean over and kiss her soft and oh-so-inviting lips.

I'm just looking, I'm not buying
I'm just looking, keeps me smiling

Like I said, I just bumped into them at the mall. That talk I had with Catherine at the party had changed things a lot. Sure, we still argued, but she jumped down my throat less and less anymore. She didn't become unreasonably unfair or yell at me. We established a routine to meet up once or twice a week, sometimes just for breakfast after shift, sometimes for a movie and some ice cream on the couch with Lindsey. Sometimes I just came around and helped Linds with her homework and we ate dinner together before Cath and I had to leave for work. Sometimes I just sat with Cath in the living room and we talked about our lives. I've let her in. I've told her things I haven't trusted my oldest friends with. She is so easy outside of work, so much freer, and I feel so comfortable around her, to say the least. Once I fell asleep on her couch and woke up to the smell of fresh coffee and toast. That's something I could have every day. Along with that sleepy smile I received from her as I joined her at the breakfast counter of her kitchen. She just looked so cute - fuzzy hair, flannel pajamas and no make-up at all. It took my breath away. I held on to my coffee cup as if it was a life-line. We've become close friends in a very short amount of time.

Sometimes I still saw that glint, that fire in her eyes, but as soon as it was there, it's mostly gone. Like she smothered it out the second she realized it's there. Like she was not allowed to feel whatever it is she was feeling. But I got more aware of it every time I saw it and it is there. She couldn't deny it even if she tried to. It made me more confident and even more open to her than I already was. I tried to give her little hints myself. I touched her more often than I needed to. I hugged her every time I left her house. I just have to find the right time and place to take the next step. As secure as Catherine usually comes across, when it comes to me, she is just so shy and uptight that I know I have to make the first move.

So here we were, sitting in a booth in the coffee shop at the mall. Lindsey showed off all her new-bought clothes to me. I chatted a bit with her about school, about her friend Mel and if she ever got together with her crush Pete (which she didn't, she still drools, as Lindsey explained vividly.) We slurped our milkshakes as loud as it gets through our straws, much to the discomfort of the family in the next booth and to Catherine's amusement. Lindsey talked and talked and I listened to her chatter. Now and then I threw a glance in Cath's direction. She just watched us calmly, always with a small smile on her lips, her gaze mostly focused on me. Abruptly Lindsey stopped talking. She eyed Cath and me and watched us intently.

"Aw, I just don't get the two of you!" she exclaimed quite loudly while throwing her hand in the air in a kind of an 'I give up' gesture. Cath and I both winced simultaneously at her raised voice and her implication.

"How can you just sit there and look at each other. You do that every time we are together. You pretend to listen to me and drool at each other."

I tried to interrupt. "Linds, I always listen to you..."

But she just cut me off with a "Phffft!"

"And no one drools. I watch her talking to you, hon," Catherine explained. "I like that you're getting along so well."

"Yeah, go on telling yourself that." Lindsey mumbled under her breath, so low that only I could hear her, as I was sitting closer to her than Cath was.

"Mom, I wanna go home. Can Sara come with us? I wanna show her my science project," she said a little louder.

"That's fine with me, but you have to ask Sara if she hasn't got something else planned."

I nodded in Lindsey's direction. "I'd love to see your science project. I'll just get another book from the bookstore and then I'll come over to your place, alright?"

Linds nodded eagerly. I could swear she had a plan in the back of her head.

About two hours later I arrived at Catherine's. I met another friend at the bookstore and as much as I tried to get away as quickly as possible, I found myself in the middle of a scientific conversation and an hour went by, so fast. I rang the doorbell and Cath opened the door. A slightly frustrated look was on her face.

"We've been waiting for you, what took you so long?" she asked a bit angrily as I stepped inside. Lindsey was nowhere to be seen.

"I got delayed by a friend from the last conference I went to. She wouldn't stop talking." I sighed, afraid that I had obviously disappointed Lindsey.

"Great. Nancy just stopped by, she went to see a movie with the boys and took Lindsey with her. That's your only luck, otherwise she would have been real mad at you. She said she will show you next time and I should give you a big punch followed by a big hug from her." Now she chuckled and punched me lightly on the shoulder. I grinned at her lame effort and instantly held out my arms.

I just couldn't take that smug grin off my face as I asked, "And what about that big hug after the punch?" My try to change that grin into a pout failed miserably.

She came up to me and enclosed me in a warm and quite tight hug. I don't know what happened to me. I've hugged Catherine before, the short kind of friendly hug that says "Hi!" or "Good-bye." This felt different. She didn't let go. We stood in Catherine's living room and she kept on embracing me. I placed my hands on her waist and tried to push her gently a bit away from me. I felt the heat creeping into my cheeks. I never held her so close before, for more than what felt like just a fraction of a second. She smelled of sweet flowers and herbs and of something that's just Catherine. I inhaled her scent and took a mental note to never forget that odour. I was stunned. I wanted to pull her closer; I wanted to get lost in her now sapphire-blue eyes. I guess I stopped breathing at some point or there was just not enough oxygen in the air. Once again, I didn't know what to say, but gladly Catherine did.

"You know exactly what Lindsey hinted at, in the coffee shop, don't you?"

I just nodded and pulled her deeper into the embrace, just like I intended, but didn't do, seconds ago. Her hands started to wander up and down my back, stroking my sides. I felt the air become even thinner. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't react, all I felt were her hands on my body and the desperate need to feel her even closer, much closer, her skin on mine. The plain thought of my lips on hers became almost unbearable. Definitely unbearable.

I gathered up all the courage I had left inside and dragged her around and pinned her up against the closest bookshelf. The bookshelf she kept on staring at that night, three months ago.

"Where is this supposed to go?" I asked, my voice almost failing me, still out of breath, my mouth just inches away from hers. She closed her eyes and sighed almost inaudibly.

Then she slowly lifted her hands to my cheeks, opened her eyes again and what I saw in them made my knees go wobbly. I saw more than the usual warmth and anticipation. There was that small glint of - something else. That something else became very much defined. I saw need, I saw unfiltered, pure desire. That still didn't prepare me for what she said next.

"No more looking. I don't know what happened, but I want to feel you, Sidle, all over me, kissing me, touching me, please, Sar!" Her voice quivered at the last words.

I looked at her; smoldering brown eyes met blue ones ablaze. Without any more hesitation, my lips crashed down on hers. It was a fiery, heated kiss. I started sucking at her bottom lip, then licked it, begging for entrance, and she complied instantly, parting her lips ever so slightly. Our tongues met for the very first time and it felt like a bolt of lightning through my whole body. I whimpered at the intensity of the contact and I could feel her smiling into the kiss and increase the effort in exploring my mouth with her tongue. Reluctantly we pulled apart at some point, breathing heavily. I hadn't noticed her hands had wandered down my body. One firmly gripped my waist, the other one - on my ass?

She pushed me away from the bookshelf and onto the sofa. Her intent gaze made me lightheaded and I felt a huge smile making its way to my lips. I was trapped under Catherine's body and she had the upper hand now. Slowly she lifted her hand up to my cheek again and caressed it, then kissed it, then my cheekbones, the bridge of my nose, my lips, my chin and moved on to my jaw. As she started nibbling at a very sensitive spot at my neck I could hear myself whimper. She lifted her head, beaming blue eyes met mine and Cath dipped down to kiss my lips once more, slowly and sensually. Qur tongues brushed, our hands roamed and I simply stopped thinking. I can't really tell how long she'd been kissing me, but I couldn't help noticing a strange sound. Not the kind of soft moan or stifled sigh that could come from either of us, but a distinct coughing noise, coming from the kitchen area, rather.

"Cath... Mphf... Cath!" I tried to alert her though I wasn't particularly willing to break the kiss. Neither was she. Cath remained oblivious, so I eventually had to. As I withdrew my mouth from hers, she looked at me confused.

"Cath, I think we have company." I told her cautiously.

She jumped off of me and circled the couch as if stung by a bee. I heard chuckling as I peeped over the back of the couch. I stood up to join Catherine, with a rather glowing red colour gracing her cheeks, facing her daughter.

"I knew it, I knew it..." Lindsey's whole face lit up and she sported the biggest and smuggest grin I've ever seen.

"You two are so busted!"