Hey guys, this is a fic I wrote a while ago, but never got around to uploading on here. It's set before Alex's death, so no spoilers. Hope you enjoy!
Nina xx
Adam/Jessica/Alex Fic
Rating PG
One Shot
A Thousand Words
Adam, this could be your baby.
No.
Adam, the baby? It's yours.
No.
I'm not sure Adam, but it's 50/50.
No.
Hey Adam, wanna be the daddy?
Definitely no.
Jessica couldn't help but smile a little as she watched herself in the mirror, her brow furrowed and her and her jaw clenched. She knew this shouldn't be so hard, women did it every day. Sat down with the man they loved and happily broke the news that they were to be a father.
Only of the thousands of women doing it that day, Jessica bet she was probably the only one who was breaking the happy news to a man she hadn't had a proper conversation with for the past eight months, or to a man who only eight weeks ago she had sat in front of, looked deep into his eyes and promised him this wasn't his baby. Somehow good news always seems slightly less so after such a lie. Jessica wasn't even sure why she was telling him. She didn't want anything from Adam, not his love, not his money not even his support. But every time she attempted to talk herself out of the conversation she heard Vince's words ringing through her ears,
"Your baby has a right to know who its father is"
And suddenly she'd be back there again. Trying to find the right words. Sighing she realised the conversation just wasn't going to happen today, she needed to know what she was going to say before she said it. This wasn't just a conversation, this was the most important conversation of her life. Taking one last look at herself in the mirror, Jessica hastily gathered her hair up into a ponytail, before stroking her ever growing bump as she walked out of the door.
X
Adam. I signed the AD. I'm sorry.
No.
The AD? Didn't I mention that …
No.
I'm dying Adam. So I signed it.
No.
Hey, at least you'll never have to wipe my arse.
Possibly.
Alex grinned a little as he imagined the look on Adam's face if he opened with that sentence. It would be worth it just for that. But then he'd have to go serious, and tell his brother that he'd decide he'd rather die than live like this. And Adam would argue back, never raising his voice, apparently still labouring under a misconception that a raised voice would somehow cause Alex's condition to suddenly worsen. No, Adam would argue, rationally, and then right when he was getting to the truth, he'd stop. He always stopped. He hoped Adam was talking to someone about all of this, if he wasn't talking to Alex. He had a fleeting vision of Adam curled up into a ball and sobbing to a confused patient before shaking his head. Bizarre images could wait, he had a sentence to prepare.
Staring at the wall in front of him, Alex couldn't help but wonder how Adam did this every day. How do you sit someone down and tell them someone they love is dying? It should be simple, two words at most, three if he was being polite, a simple, "Adam, I'm dying" would be enough. But you can never leave it at that could you? There needs to be platitudes and apologies, reasons and logic.
Adam was a doctor, he spent his days saving lives, he had no idea why someone would just give one away. And that, Alex realised, was the problem. He didn't blame his brother, how could he? But Adam simply just didn't know how Alex was feeling. He didn't understand how it felt to wake up every day for twenty years and know your life was only ever going to get worse. Knowing the chances were you were never going to fall in love, live a completely independent life. Do any of the everyday things that others did without even thinking. To know that now, his life was going to go further downhill, faster, than either of them had expected. Pretty soon he'd be nothing more than a brain wanting to escape.
Inhaling deeply Alex refocused his attention on the blank wall in front, praying the perfect sentence would somehow appear there, it was only when he heard the familiar click of the door opening that he turned his head,
"Nick. And to what do I owe the pleasure?"
X
Forget Sean, how about me?
No.
Me and you, that was good for a while right?
No.
Jess, you, me. Lets give it a go?
No.
Jess, why not? We're not getting any younger..
Definitely, maybe.
Sighing Adam buried his head in his hands as he searched again for that perfect sentence, those few perfect words that would tell Jessica everything he wanted her to know. That he didn't care about Sean, or who's baby it was, he didn't care about the past eight months, he just cared about her, making her happy, and he knew he could do that. Only that would require being quite serious, and if there was one thing he and Jess had never been good at it had been serious.
Sure they'd had talks, they'd tried to get everything out in the open, but those conversations … well those conversations were probably the reason she was pregnant now.
Adam didn't know why it was so hard now, before those words had just slipped out, easily, although the circumstances hadn't been the most romantic. Now though, he wanted to do it properly, wanted to prove to her that he could be the man she needed, could be more than that. If only he could find the words.
He didn't know why this was so difficult, he'd told her before, and he'd felt it for months but still the right words just seem out of his reach. He wanted this time to be perfect for her, wanted it to be a scene straight from a film, just the two of them, alone, perhaps sharing a look and a smile between them. Then he would say it, the most perfect sentence, one that said, 'I love you' while also letting her know that he was responsible, caring, loyal and willing to accept her and the baby, no matter what. That said this time there would be no pressure, they could take things as slowly as she wanted because he was going to love her forever.
Sighing he picked up the file he had been pretending to study before throwing it back on his desk and throwing his office door open. The sentence would have to wait. Right now, he needed some advice.
X
Alex was sitting up when Adam opened the door, his eyes darting around the room, nervously watching every corner, scanning, unable to rest.
"Something on your mind?" he asked, a smile on his face as he entered the room, shutting the door behind him.
"Adam, I signed an advanced directive"
Of all the words Adam had been expecting to hear, that was definitely not one of them. "What do you mean, you signed one? How?"
Alex looked up at him, determined to make this work, determined to make him understand, "I've been thinking about it for a while and … it makes sense Adam. I'm not getting any better, I'm not even staying the same. My health is only going to get worse and I don't want to end up stuck in this room, hooked up to machines and being fed through a tube. So I'm doing something about it"
He watched as his brother sat down, his shoulders folding under sheet wait as he perched on the end of Alex's bed, "But why didn't you tell me?"
"I am telling you"
"Not now Alex" he bit back, finally meeting his brother's eyes, "When you were thinking of doing this, we could have talked, gone through all of this, I could have helped you though it, helped you to …"
"See sense?" Alex cut in, "Adam I have seen sense. Nothing you can say, or did say, or could have said, would have changed my mind. This was my decision and I made it"
But Adam refused to let it go as suddenly, the one question he should have been asking all along came to him, "Who helped you?"
Alex was taken aback by the sudden change of direction as he stammered, "Wh .. what do you mean?"
"You need someone to witness an AD, a doctor. Who did you talk to Alex, when you couldn't talk to me?"
It was the one question he had been dreading, but the one he knew he had to be truthful with, Adam would find out soon enough anyway, "Nick … Nick Jordan. Adam wait!" he called out as his brother sprung up so suddenly that for a moment Alex was too stunned to notice him lunging for the door, "Adam where are you going?"
His brother barely paused, refusing to turn around as he muttered a single sentence before slamming the door behind him, "I … I just need some air, Alex"
X
Jessica watched him as he walked out of the double doors leading to the ED. He looked almost as bad as she felt. His shoulders hunched and his hands thrust deep into his pockets. She contemplated ignoring him, of all the moments she'd envisioned breaking the news of his impending fatherhood, the darkness outside of an ED was not one of them, and if she called him over here he'd ask what was wrong, and then she'd have to tell him. She'd done enough lying.
It was the slightest movement that made Jessica change her mind. The way, as she watched him, his head seemed to fall that extra inch, the weight of it too much for him to handle, the way he simply stood there, looking as though the sheer effort of movement would exhaust him. It was a split second decision, and the words were out of her mouth before she'd even decided to say them,
"Wanna share my bench?"
Adam turned towards her, a small smile fighting its way onto his face as he lifted his head, taking the first few steps towards her, eventually lowering himself onto the bench beside her, settling himself in to silence along with Jessica. He knew he should tell her, especially know, knowing how much it hurt when someone you cared about didn't confide in you over something important to them. But still he couldn't bring himself to open his mouth and just say the words he'd been practicing for so long.
"It's times like this I wish I could smoke"
He couldn't help but smile, a small laugh escaping from his lips as he turned to face her. "Bad day?"
"Bad life"
"Nothing like a little melodrama to lighten the mood though, ey Jess?"
She laughed as she met his eyes, her hand beginning to absent mindedly rub her protruding stomach as the heat from his body suddenly began to warm her. They continued to sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, both just enjoying the quiet, the cold air on their cheeks and the knowledge that at least now, for this instant, they weren't alone. It was eventually Jessica who spoke,
"So, what's ruining your day?"
Adam signed, keeping his eyes fixed ahead as he answered, "Alex signed an AD. Without telling me"
"Oh Adam, I'm sorry" she took his hand in hers, an instinctive move born out of long forgotten intimacy. "When did he decide?"
"Who knows?" Adam replied, the bitterness evident in his voice, "Days ago probably. Only rather than me he thought Nick Jordan was the person to talk to" he suddenly became aware of her hand wrapped around his, the soothing motions her thumb was making on the back of his hand and he signed. This wasn't Jess' fault, he shouldn't be yelling at her. And then suddenly, with no warning, the words he'd been trying to say burst forward,
"What am I going to do Jess? Without Alex I've got no one"
"You've got me Adam, I'm still here"
He gripped her hand tightly, gently caressing her thumb with his as he continued, "You know what I mean. By now all of my friends are married, in love, fathers. They've got … they've got families, Jess. People to love them no matter what"
Jessica took a deep breath as her moment arrived, "You've got someone too. Someone who'll love you unconditionally. I promise"
"Jess, what are you saying?"
"The baby, Adam, it's your baby. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before, but I didn't want to confuse things, and then after Sean left it never seemed right. I thought you'd feel obligated to do the right thing, and you didn't need that not with Alex … and I know I should have told you sooner, a lot sooner but …"
Jess found the words dying on her lips as he kissed her, the feel of his lips against hers still familiar as his arms pulled her close, enveloping her in them, letting her know without the need for words that he was there for her, that this wasn't obligation, that he understood. Pulling apart, her rested his forehead against hers as she closed her eyes, before allowing her to rest her head on his shoulders, content to just watch her breathing as he whispered, finally finding the right words,
"I love you, Jessica Harrison"