If I Was Beautiful
Oneshot

Santana's POV:

If I was beautiful, maybe she would love me.

I look at my naked body in the full length mirror of my bathroom, utterly repulsed by what I see. I squeeze the skin of my stomach and on my arms, manipulating the fat I see clinging to my body. I step closer, noticing my cheeks that are too puffy, my chin that is too saggy and my breasts that just aren't perky enough. Ugh, disgusting. No wonder Brittany doesn't want me, look at me, I'm revolting.

Self-hatred wells up inside of me, I am repulsive and worthless, I will never be good enough for her, she will never want someone like me. Hot tears stain my cheeks and in that instant I feel my heart shatter. It's been almost a week since Britt rejected me for Cripples and even though I've cried myself to sleep every night I still never understood what was so wrong with me, why couldn't she love me? But looking in the mirror I saw clearly for the first time.

In that moment I vowed to do everything I could be become beautiful, nothing would be too extreme because if I was beautiful, maybe she would want to be with me.

Over the next few weeks I slipped into a familiar pattern, I would wake up at 5:00am every morning and go for a three mile run around the neighborhood; then get ready and go to school making sure to skip breakfast because breakfast was for ugly people. After cheerios practice I would carefully slip into my uniform and head off to my classes, an awful ache in my stomach but I always ignored, for her. During lunch I would always excuse myself to the choir room making excuses of homework or a new song to rehearse, but in truth I just didn't want anyone questioning my lack of eating. At night I would go home exhausted, usually telling my Mami that I was too tired for dinner, or just asking if I could eat in my room so I could "do homework". I've flushed enough food down the toilet to feed an entire army for at least a week. But it doesn't matter as long as I can make myself beautiful.

Right now is the moment of truth, weigh in time. I step up onto the scale for the first time since I realized why Brittany would never love me. Taking a deep breath, I hold it in as I look down at the number—109. I breathe out a sigh of relief, joy washes over me, 11lbs down in only 2.5 weeks. YES! I felt myself doing a happy dance. Too bad my high didn't last long, I stood once again facing the mirror, although the scale said I'd lost weight I couldn't see it, I still wasn't beautiful.

More weeks pass, and my pattern continued, skipping every meal, not letting anything but water and diet Pepsi past my lips. The only difference is that I don't notice the ache anymore, which just makes everything easier.

Yesterday was another weigh in day, I'm down to 101 and I feel like I can finally see a little bit of progress. Looking in the mirror I notice that my face is slightly thinner, my collar bones a little more visible, and my waist just a little bit thinner. Success! But I need more; I'm still not beautiful, just slightly less atrocious.

The next day I am standing in the locker room changing and I feel two pairs of eyes on me. I turn around to see Coach Sue standing there, "Looking good Sandbags! It's nice to see my girls looking so thin. Keep up the good work!" OMG, did Coach really just say I look thin. Euphoria fills me; I'm doing this for Brittany of course, but knowing that the toughest critic in the entire world thinks I look good, that just means all of my hard work is paying off! YES! I can't help the smile that forms on my lips. But that's when I realize someone else is staring at my half naked body too—Brittany. Her eyes graze over my body, lingering on my protruding hip bones. My heart flips but I quickly turn back around, get dressed and skip out of the locker room.

Two weeks later, and another moment of truth; I look down at the scale—93, eight more down, awesome! However my happiness is short lived again. School is getting harder; people are starting to notice how I never seem to stay in the cafeteria at lunch time and how my cheer uniforms are all way to baggy. I'm nervous and excited all at the same time. I love knowing that everyone is staring, that everyone is finally starting to see me as beautiful, maybe one day Brittany would even see me that way. But on the other hand I didn't want anyone to catch on to my secret. I know what will happen if someone finds out, I will be forced to eat again, and then I will never win Britt's heart. I do everything I can to make sure my secret stays hidden. I especially have to be cautious of the Glee kids.

Late that day in glee I feel Brittany's eyes on me again, feeling giddy, knowing that I'm actually starting to look beautiful. My mind goes back to the image in the mirror this morning. Remembering my ribs protruding, my thighs no longer touching and my thinning cheeks; I smile. When I snapped out of it Britt was still staring at me from right next to Artie, looking and really trying to see me. Although I haven't spoken to her in almost two months I still feel myself being pulled towards her. I was doing this for her, to win her heart. Maybe if I'm beautiful, just maybe.

The next couple of days were really tough, I'm not getting much sleep anymore and between that and no longer eating my body wears out very quickly. Cheerios practices always make me throw up, and my morning runs make me so dizzy I can barely stand. But I don't care, I need to be beautiful, I need Brittany to want me, so I push on.

It's been 3 and a half months since I've eaten a meal, sometimes I will be forced to eat a little something when I can't get out of sitting in the cafeteria, or when my mom insists upon family dinner. But even then I make sure to eat as little as possible, always choosing the healthiest option available and taking only a few bites. Either way I was still losing weight I was still becoming beautiful, yesterday's weigh in told me I was down to 79lbs. I was ecstatic when I looked in my mirror, all I saw were bones—cheeks, neck, hips, ribs, every one of them a beautiful masterpiece. Maybe now that I was almost beautiful Brittany would want to be my girl.

Several times a week I would feel her eyes lingering on me, grazing over my body, staring at my newfound beauty, each time was like a rush. I'd even talked to her a few times, she would casually ask how I was or about my family, nothing huge, but it was a start. Once I was officially beautiful I would find a way to make her break up with Wheels and be my girl. I was almost there, but I still needed just a little more.

One particularly chilly day I could feel my body start to shake during my morning run, unsure I slowed to a walk and the feeling subsided. I continued my morning routine like it was just another day, little did I know that today would change everything.

Cheerios practice was extremely vigorous, or maybe it was just me being weak. Either way I pushed through practice, sighing when Sue gave us the okay to head into the locker room. I quickly showered, alone, and hurried to put my cheer uniform back over my thinning body. But that's when I knew something was wrong, I felt my body begin to tremble, my head began to spin, everything around me was fading fast and before I knew it I felt my boney body hit the floor and suddenly everything went black.

Brittany's POV

I saw Santana hit the floor and couldn't stop the scream that ripped through my chest. Seeing the girl I loved slumped on the floor in a broken heap shattered my very soul. In that moment I hated myself, I hated myself for choosing Artie, for letting her walk away and for not seeing her pain. I ran over to her hoping she would be okay, I picked her up and tried to get her awake, but no luck. I laid her down on the bench, getting an up close look at her for the first time. Her eyes were framed with heavy black circles, her cheeks thin and pasty white. I saw her hip and collar bones protruding offensively from under her skin. Her stomach no longer flat and toned but sunken in with every rib visibly and harshly pushing against once beautiful caramel colored skin. I reached out to grab her hand realizing that her fingers were nothing more than bones. She looked like a skeleton. Sobs broke out my chest, seeing my baby like this killed me inside. What had she done? What had I done?

The next hour was a blur, one of our teammates had called 911, they rushed her to the ER and I quickly followed. After that is was nothing more than a mess of sobs, whimpers and hugs. Her parents and her brother were sitting in the waiting room with me, along with Puck, Kurt, Mercedes, Sam, Rachel and Finn. The realization that Artie wasn't there to support me while my best friend, the secret love of my life, was lying unconscious in a hospital bed made me sick. I hated myself for choosing him over Santana what was I thinking. I wasted no time calling him to tell him it was over, that my heart belonged, and always had, to someone else. He hung up on me. Go figure.

After another hour of waiting the doctor finally came out, his expression solemn, my throat tightened. "Are you all the family and friends of Santana Lopez," the doctor questioned. "Yes we are," her mother said quickly, "Doctor please what is going on, how is my mija?" "Well I have some good news and some bad news," my heart dropped. "Santana is still alive, but just barely. She is severely malnutritioned, according to our records last time Santana was here she weighed about 120lbs, today her fragile body weights about 75lbs. For her to manage that much weight loss within only a four month period she has been completely starving herself. Right now she is still in a coma from the lack of nutrients in her body, but unfortunately Mr. and Mrs. Lopez we are unsure if she will ever wake up. Her body suffered double the amount of trauma that the average human body can take. I'm so very sorry." Everyone was silent except her mother muffled sobs. My baby, my love, my life, realization hit me all at once, Santana was my everything, and I shut her out, I chose someone else, she was broken and I left her alone. I couldn't even think my mind keep going back to the doctors words "We are unsure if she will ever wake up."

A few hours later they finally let me see her, all the glee kids had left along with Santana's family who were going home to get some rest while I stayed with her. As I stared at her tiny, frail frame I felt my heart break again. I leaned over and kissed her frozen lips, "I love you baby, I am so very sorry. Please Tana, please be okay, I need you, you are my everything." Tears flowed down my cheeks again; I quickly wiped them away and reached over for her bag, hoping to find comfort in the familiarity of the things that belonged to Santana, the way I was supposed to belong to her. I rifled through her bag stopping when I found a tiny piece of paper folded neatly in the bag's only pocket. I pulled it out and unfolded it. I felt my entire being crumble as I read the words, "I must stop eating to be thin. I must be thin to be beautiful. If I was beautiful, maybe she would love me…" my heart stopped, this is my fault. I strangled sob escaped my throat, I threw myself at her holding her limp body in my arms "Santana, you have always been beautiful, the most beautiful creature in the whole world! I love you, please baby, don't leave me, I love you…"

From underneath me I heard a weak voice "I love you Britt." I jumped off of her looking down into clouded brown eyes and sobbed harder. "I love you so much Tana, always baby. I'm sorry." She smiled a tiny smile at me, "B, it hurts, I just want it to stop," her voice even softer than before. "It's okay I'm here…"she interrupted me with a whisper, "Kiss me." I leaned over and touched my lips to hers. We kissed for a few seconds before I heard a machine begin to flat line. No no no! This can't be happening. I will not lose her. I jumped back to look at her, she stared at me with her eyes unfocused, and in that moment I realized that my stupidity would cost me her life. I broke. As I looked at her dying form I made my decision. I quickly reached up and unplugged her machines, not wanting the doctors to come rushing in. I shakily stood reaching over and pulling out her IV, quickly shoving the needle into my own arm. I squeezed the release repeatedly, easily pumping an overdose of pain medication into my veins. I climbed in bed next to her, feeling her slowing heartbeat. The grogginess began to overwhelm me as we lay there, everything slowly started slipping away, all I could feel was her frail body pressed to mine, all I could see were her hazy brown eyes staring up at me. "This is my fault, I will not live without you, I love you too much" I whispered. Our eyes met and her lips curled into a tiny smile, "I love you" her lips mouthed, as we continued to fade into oblivion. I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers for the last time in this life. Together our hearts fluttered one last time. She was beautiful, our love was beautiful, we will be beautiful, but only if we are together.