On Snowy Wings
By that bastard
Disclaimer: I do NOT own the Teen Titans
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Christmas was probably her least favorite time of year. It was cold, colorful, and needlessly cheerful. The masses of people became militantly happy for a few weeks, ignoring their true petty nature they fed every other day of the year. It all felt incredibly forced. Were people so pathetically selfish they needed the excuse of an arbitrary holiday to be kind to each other? Why weren't they this benevolent every day of the year?
Unless it was all an act.
Raven sighed, sitting on her bed. Even within the dark privacy of her room she could hear the television in the main hall blaring, an obnoxious and childish holiday show filled with obnoxious and childish sentiments.
There was just something about this time of year. It made it so hard to keep her apathetic world weariness in place. Part of her wished she could just give in and smile at the required jubilation like her friends did, but she knew even if she did it would be manufactured and false. Raven hated to be anything other than true to herself. And if that meant remaining the Tower's resident creepy girl, than so be it. The others could gorge themselves on holiday cheer until they choked.
Raven looked up from the book she wasn't reading and glanced at the mug on her bureau. Damn. She had already finished off her tea. That meant an unbearable trip to the kitchen was required, which included any number of distasteful interactions with her housemates.
Damn.
She hefted herself off her bed and left her room. Maybe if she was quiet the others wouldn't notice her.
"Friend Raven!" Starfire gushed in midair as the witch walked into the common room. "You have emerged from your room of darkness to enjoy the Eveing of Christmas?"
"Just here for tea," the dark girl replied. She felt a stab of irritation as the orange girl did not deflate as she had hoped she would.
"But it is a most glorious time! Do you not love the indoor trees, and the tiny replicas of big things, and the blinking lights, and the artificial frozen water molecules, and—"
"That's pretty much everything I hate about this time of year."
"Oh," Starfire said, sinking to the floor.
"I'd think it was weird if she didn't hate it," Beast Boy said, his nose in the fridge.
Cyborg rumbled a good natured laugh from the couch.
Raven glanced around the room as she waited for her water to boil, rolling her eyes at the giant tree by the window, the wreaths and ornaments, tinsel, presents and decorations. It looked like a shiny rainbow threw up all over the room.
And speaking of atrocious color choices,
"Where's Robin?" Raven asked.
"Don't know," Cyborg said without looking away from the television. "Probably in his room or something. Why?"
"Just wondering how he managed to escape all the happy going on around here." She turned back to the stove and willed her water to boil faster.
"It is true I have not seen friend Robin all night," Starfire said, slightly saddened. "But I have learned it is against Earth law to be without cheer at this time of year. I am certain I do not wish to bring about any punishment."
"… and who told you that?" Raven asked.
"Tut tut," Beast Boy said, waving her question away. "It's close enough to the truth, and I didn't want a mopey Star on Christmas Eve, alright?"
"How festive of you."
"Oh, come on. Catch the holiday fever!" Beast Boy sidled next to Raven with a grin. "Can I interest you in a delicious glass of tofu nog?"
Raven suppressed her gag reflex.
"No. Thanks."
"Your loss," the green boy said, and chugged a thick glassful. He wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, and gave Raven a thumbs up. She promptly collected her tea and left.
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Raven hated mysteries.
There was just something about purposeful deceptions that bothered her. The irony wasn't lost on her. She had after all hid a fairly large secret from her friends, but that was neither here nor there.
It wasn't that Robin's absence was troubling. It was merely odd. Why wasn't he here enjoying the night with his friends? Whereas Raven had a legitimate excuse for ducking out of the festivities (read: she hated them), the Boy Wonder was all but expected to be right in the middle of them. Raven fully anticipated him to be there when she walked in the main hall, dutifully listening to Beast Boy's jokes, engaging Cyborg in a mindless video game, and patiently explaining the finer points of the event to Starfire. It demanded a resolution in Raven's mind. What reason did he have for ditching his friends?
That's my job, she thought. His is to be everybody's pal. Besides, isn't he our leader? Aren't leaders supposed to lead, even in peaceful times?
Raven let her feet carry her to Robin's room. She shut her eyes in concentration, searching him out. He wasn't there. His room was empty.
She walked to his evidence lab. Another empty room met her. She expanded her search to encompass the entire Tower, and again she did not locate him.
Raven pulled out her communicator in frustration. She flipped it on, but nothing but hissing static met her attempt to contact the Boy Wonder.
"Where is he?"
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The R Cycle was still in the garage, meaning he went out on foot. That in itself was odd. Usually he would latch onto any excuse to take a ride. But if he went without it, the situation probably demanded stealth and quiet. It only invited more interest from Raven.
Okay. Maybe interest was too strong a word. More like idle curiosity. And whatever made the minutes move faster until this dreadful holiday was over was okay by her. The added bonus of having an excuse to leave her other friends was icing on the cake.
She phased out of the Tower's garage, floating across the bay to the city. The coastline passed beneath her with a gentle sigh of waves, and soon she was weaving between buildings. The cityscape was alive with sound and color and light. Far below her on the streets, cars sped in blurred lines, people marched in flowing columns, stores stabbed the night's darkness with neon.
She sent out her empathic heart, trying to locate Robin. As she did, she felt the edges of many emotions and people; tired workers returning home after a long day, children pretending to be asleep awaiting the first light of dawn, parents already exhausted from the holiday rush, lovers reuniting under a chill December sky. It was times like this she dreaded. All the cheer, the happiness, the good times… she hated living vicariously through complete strangers. And this time of year made it impossible not to. People's emotions were just so strong around this season.
I never should have left my room. Stupid Robin better be in a ditch, bleeding to death. All this for a distraction. Stupid holiday.
She continued searching in progressively larger arcs until she finally spotted Robin in the lower east side.
He was inside a small rundown church, its roof and steeple in disrepair, its paint chipped and cracked. The sounds of song lifted out of its broken roof, a Christmas carol Raven didn't recognize. Not that she had an extensive knowledge of holiday tunes, but she knew enough.
She approached the church slowly, only now feeling slightly guilty for tailing Robin. She found him inside the building, perched atop the ceiling rafters, safely out of sight from the congregation below. Raven watched him watch the service. He stayed in the exact same position, hidden behind a support strut in the shadows. He stayed inhumanly still, the only movement a slight rise and fall of his chest.
At length he rose from his perch and in a single fluid motion climbed out through a hole in the roof. Raven phased out of sight, suddenly embarrassed. She watched Robin stride to the edge of the church's roof, then pause and cock his head like a bird.
"Raven," he said over his shoulder. "You can come out now."
She blushed. How did he always know these things?
"Uh… hi," she said, phasing up out of the roof.
"Hi." He pulled his cape shut around his arms to keep the chill out. "How long have you been here?"
"Um… not too long." She scratched her arm. "How did you know it was me?"
"It had to be you. Who else could have shadowed me? The others aren't exactly the height of stealth and subterfuge."
"Well sorry I'm so sneaky," Raven said with a scowl. "But when the team leader disappears without any explanation, I tend to worry."
"I was not aware anyone was looking for me."
Raven blushed again.
"I wasn't," she said, backtracking. "I was just bored and decided a night out on the town would be better than wading through all the cheer back at the Tower."
"Not a fan of Christmas?" Robin asked. "Can't say I'm much of a holiday kind of guy either."
"You have a funny way of showing it," she said, gesturing to the church they were atop.
"I guess I do," he said with a laugh.
"What exactly are you doing?" she asked him.
"It's sort of a tradition for me," he said with a shrug. No use lying now. "I try to make the rounds every holiday, to the places that need a little extra help in the finance department. Helps me stay grounded."
"I never knew you were so religious." And why didn't I ever notice it before?
"I'm not," Robin said. "Never really was. But this way I know the money is being well spent. That it's going to places that really need it. You'd be surprised how many holiday charities are complete frauds."
"I doubt it." Raven blinked. "Speaking of money… where do you get your cash? I mean, you bankroll the entire team, the Tower, equipment, supplies, food, power… do you have another job you're not telling us about?"
"No, not really. It's not like I'm charging the people we save, or selling indecent pictures of you and Star. Does it really matter where it comes from?"
"Well, when faced with extortion and illegal pornography, no, I suppose it doesn't matter." Raven frowned. "But you could still tell us."
"Actually, you're the first to ask." Robin walked to the edge of the building. He gazed out over the cityscape, black obelisks jutting into the sky like teeth. "The man who raised me is... taken care of, shall we say."
"You mean… him?"
"Yeah. Makes sense, right? I mean, running out of batarangs because you forgot to pay a bill would be inconvenient."
"So he's footing our expenses?"
"Yeah," Robin said, nodding. "He knows about the team. Can't say he really approves, but…he accepts it."
"I'd hate to think what would happen if he didn't," Raven said with a smirk.
"I guess he can be a little intimidating."
"A little?"
"Okay. A lot. Terrifying. But really, at heart he's just a big softy."
"Somehow I doubt that too." Raven levitated off the roof. "Ready to head back to the Tower?"
"Not yet. There are still a few more stops on my route."
"A veritable Santa Claus."
"Funny." Robin turned to her. "Want to tag along?"
"I love anonymity as much as you do, but this isn't really my scene. I'll help people, but I usually require some sort of life or death struggle."
"Okay," he said, preparing to fire his grappling hook. "Suit yourself. Oh, by the way, has Star introduced you to her mustard nog yet? It's to die for."
Raven pulled her hood tighter so he couldn't see her shiver.
"Let's go," she grumbled.
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They visited four more churches that night. Each time Robin would silently enter from the roof, and each time he would silently deposit a check in the collection plate. Sometimes he would stay for part of the sermon, sometimes for a moment to look over the crowd. He would always stay for at least one song, wearing a wispy smile the whole time.
Raven never asked to see how much money he was giving the small churches, and he never offered to show her. She didn't mind, that is, she wasn't dying of curiosity. Besides, she had long ago made peace with the fact there would always be a few secrets regarding her leader. Raven respected his need for secrecy, even if it did cause trouble every so often. He was just a very private guy. He was the only one of them with a secret identity, after all.
"Can I trust you to keep this between us?" he asked as they traversed the city again, he leaping like a cat, she floating beside him.
"Why?" Raven asked.
"Well, to be blunt, it's no one's business but my own. I don't like to broadcast everything I do on my own time. I just don't want to make a big deal out of it. Besides, if our friends learned I have extra money, I'd never hear the end of it. Frivolous new software, mopeds, imported mustard… exotic teas…"
Raven grumbled something under her breath, and Robin grinned.
"Don't get bent out of shape," he said. "If anyone had to find out, I'm glad it was you. You have enough sense to stay discreet."
"Gee. Thanks. Coming from you I guess I should take it as a compliment."
"Only if you want."
Raven watched him as he leapt from roof to roof. He was incredibly graceful, she thought. Like he was swimming through the air. There was no hesitation in his step, no faltering or uncertainty. He was fearless. She almost admired that about him. There was nothing that made him back down, or take the easy path.
And at the same time it impressed her, she was irked by it. Was he doing it because he knew she'd catch him if he fell? Or was it an act, a showy display of skill to astonish her? Or did he do it without thinking, like a reflex? Was he that reckless?
No, reckless didn't fit him. Secure, maybe. Confident surely. But not reckless. Not now. Not after everything they'd been through. He was more collected then when they first met, more mature. He had humbled himself a bit, and Raven was thankful for it. He was still arrogant and proud, she had trouble imagining him as anything but, but he carried himself with a quieter air nowadays. He knew there was a long path of growing up yet before him, and he accepted it.
"Where to now?" Raven asked.
"The mall."
"Excuse me? Are there a few under privileged boutiques that need your money too?"
"No," Robin said, "I actually have to buy Christmas presents for everyone."
"What!" Raven blurted. "You haven't bought anything yet?"
"Not everything I need. Besides, I've been busy. Or did you think the training room was restocked by ghosts? Or that the backflow of dirty dishes cleaned themselves? Or that the tree in the main hall sprouted by itself? Or—"
"Okay, okay. You've been busy. You could ask for help, you know."
"Oh, yes. I'm sure you'd be itching to help decorate the Tower."
"Well…"
"Or that Beast Boy and Cyborg would take time from their busy schedule of Super Stank Ball and video games."
"Um…"
"Or that I have the patience for Star's inquiries about every little thing regarding the holiday."
"You don't?" Raven asked, raising an eyebrow. "You mean 'her boy' is feeling a little shy?"
Robin flipped over a chimney, then hurled himself forward after catching hold of a ledge. He landed in a graceful crouch, then sprang ahead like a cat.
"Even I need a break sometimes. From everything. Times like this…" He preformed a graceful flip, landing on his toes. "Times like this, out by myself, alone with the city… it's calming. And this time of night. After the work rush but before the night life begins, when the moon is full and high, it's electric. It makes me feel alive."
Raven continued to float next to him, slightly awed.
"Am I… intruding?" she asked, a touch flustered.
"Oddly enough, no. These runs on the rooftops, when I'm between the city and the sky, they tend to get me introspective. It's actually nice to have another worldly ear to talk to, you know? Not that the others are children, but…"
"They do tend to look on the bright side an awful lot," she said.
"I just don't think they've seen the things we have. I don't want them to. Sometimes I think it's my job to keep the darker aspects of human nature from their eyes." Robin spared a breath from his acrobatics to glance at Raven. She was framed by the moon, and he thought she looked incredibly elegant. "Sometimes I wish I could hide that darkness from you, too."
She smiled beneath her hood.
"I think it's a bit late for that. And don't underestimate the others. They're pretty tough. I think they could handle what we've seen."
"I know," Robin said. "But I don't want them to have to. I want to keep them Teen Titans as long as I can."
"And keeping them in the dark about your charity is helping that noble cause?"
"Cut that sarcasm or I'll give you dish duty for a month." He smiled. "Actually, this is just what I said it was: my time. I doubt the others would want me intruding on theirs… or maybe you'd like some chatty company the next time you're trying to read a book or meditate."
"Shutting up, now, sir."
"It's okay," Robin laughed as he vaulted over a ledge. "This just helps me unwind."
Sure, Raven thought. "Unwind." Azar knows defying death at forty stories relaxes me
She couldn't fault him for wanting some time to himself, or his desire to protect their friends. It really was a noble cause. But practical nobility died for Raven long ago.
Out of all the Titans, out of nearly every other human she'd met, Robin struck her as the most likely to be pessimistic. Granted, she didn't know the entirety of his past, or what made him who he was, but through their faded mind link she knew enough. Besides, the Boy Wonder was known to psychopaths and monsters across the globe. One didn't become the sidekick of the Dark Knight for good times.
But Robin was unerringly optimistic. When the other Titans gave in to despair, it was Robin who inspired them, who gave them hope. She admired that part of him, the part that never lost heart. The part of him that risked his purely human life and limbs every day, the part that fought for right…
… the part that would descend into hell for a friend…
He filled her with hope, even though the world was ugly, and dark, and disgusting, and scary, and painful. He gave her Hope.
"But you know," Robin was saying, "I didn't mind the company at all tonight." He smiled at her. "You can tail me any time, Raven."
She rolled her eyes.
"You'd like that, wouldn't you?" Raven floated by him in quiet thought a moment. "How do you do it?" she finally asked him.
"Do what?"
"How do you stay so… upbeat?"
Robin smiled gently.
"If I was on my own, I think I would have. Given in, I mean. Some days it is tempting. But I have you. And Starfire. And Cyborg. And Beast Boy. And if I didn't, I worry about where I might be now."
As he landed from a flip on a building ledge overlooking the mall, he paused in a crouch.
"My… mother once told me that life without love is not life at all," he said.
Raven stared at him.
"And," Robin went on, "I know I'm living right now."
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Christmas day came and went in quiet. The entire city seemed to take the day off, and no alarms sounded in the Tower. No snow coated the ground, but a thick mist hung on the ocean, lacing the city with gray.
The Titans loved the gifts Robin selected for them, and he wore a patient smile the whole day. He smiled as Beast Boy dove into his new video game, as Cyborg gushed over his new spoiler for the T Car, as Starfire flew in a loop above his head holding her new rain boots. He smiled as Raven received a first printing of The Telltale Heart.
It was late when she retired to her room. The others were still riding the holiday high, and the dark girl left with the sounds of song and play behind her. Raven had a splitting headache.
She made her way to her room rubbing tired eyes, already regretting the amount of meditation and sleep that would be required to get back to a semblance of peace. She briefly considered simply phasing into her room, but the amount of concentration and strength the act demanded made her dizzy.
She opened her door, and the familiar comforting darkness of her room rushed to greet her. She was about to step inside when she heard a soft clatter of plastic. She looked down at her feet, and spied an object.
It was an unlabeled disc.
She wondered if Cyborg dropped one of his system programs, or if Beast Boy was again trying to entice her into the world of video games. She collected the disc in a pocket of black energy and deposited it into her waiting hands. She stared at it. On the casing was a small bow. It was a gift, though it was not wrapped. As if the giver waited until the last minute to decide on giving it to her.
Raven entered her room and by habit locked the door. She placed the disc in the small CD player she kept in her room and pressed play.
At first she heard nothing but static. It appeared to be an old recording. Then she heard someone hum a long, low note—a woman—and then the voice began to sing.
"Silent night, Holy night.
All is calm, all is bright."
The woman was not particularly good, and the rough velvet of her voice grated over the speakers.
"Round yon Virgin Mother and Child,
Holy infant so tender and mild."
The voice tickled something in the far back of Raven's mind. It was familiar. Like a forgotten dream.
"Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace."
And all at once she knew who the voice belonged to. The faded memories she witnessed through her link with Robin came crashing to the forefront of her thoughts. The voice… it was…
"His mother."
Raven felt dizzy. Her breath could not be caught, several miles ahead of her. She blinked, many times, feeling lightheaded. She could not believe Robin had done this, had shown her this side of him. Had given this to her. It was beyond precious. Suddenly her gift to him of industrial strength boot cleaner seemed inadequate.
The song continued in its strange, alluring, comforting velvet. Raven had heard it preformed by better singers, but never with such tenderness and care. Like the voice was cradling each note. It touched her in a way music never had before. She felt warm tears pushing behind her eyes.
She blinked them away, telling herself not to be foolish. It was just a song. It was just a song being sung by Robin's dead mother who he never ever spoke of. To anyone. Ever.
"My… mother once told me that life without love is not life at all."
Correction. He spoke of her once. Out of the blue. To her.
To me.
Did he talk so freely around the others? Would he? Somehow, she couldn't picture it, and the thought made her feel inexplicably warm inside. He gave her a side of him he showed no one else.
"And I know I'm living right now."
Even such an indirect way of saying it… it made Raven blush. No one had told her she was loved since… since her mother. And even then it was with the strained undertone of unhealed pain.
But Robin had said it freely. Hesitantly, but freely. And for the first time Raven saw the benefit of this season. If it allowed her to see a hidden part of Robin, then she would gladly take all the manufactured cheer, the colors, the noise, the pomp, the cloying food, the required interaction… she accepted them. If it meant receiving what she did.
The song ended, a long drawn out note. The CD continued, the voice floating different carols across the room. In the darkness, Raven smiled.
"Merry Christmas, Robin."
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End
post blah blah: yeah, yeah. The title promised snow, but so what?
About the gifts. I think Beast Boy's and Cyborg's are pretty self explanatory. With Starfire I wanted something completely random and out of the blue. And yeah, I know Raven's gift would cost a fortune, but Robin strikes me as a guy who puts very little value on the price tag associated with presents.