The Carnivorous Coiffure
Note: I do NOT own the Everglots!
Everyone knew that Finis Everglot and Maudeline Sectaire were horribly matchedThey were beautiful enoughfor she was tall and slender (if not extremely prominent-chinned!) And he was a strong-looking man of average height. There was just no attraction; Maudeline Sectaire loved no man. Her one true love was her hair.
Maudeline's most prized possession was her dark-brown mane that fell well below her knees when brushed. It was always fashioned into a high heart-shaped bun that increased her height by almost two feet. With her signature hairstyle, she towered over finis and had difficulty fitting through doors. Even the simplest everyday task became an ordeal with that mass atp her head.
Today, Maudeline Sectaire and Finis Everglot were to be married. Everything was in its place - the flowers, the cake, the relatives - everything, that is, except the bride! Maudeline and her timid little maid, Gwendolyn, had spent an entire hour trying to fit the veil over her enormous bun, and yet it still wouldn't stay! Tiny, flustered Gwendolyn climbed to the top of a step-ladder and perched the veil on top of Maudeline's humongous hair. It leaned to the right and fell to the floor. "You've tried that five times!" Maudeline snapped at her."What made you think it'd work the sixth !"
Gwendolyn mumbled an apology and hurried to pick up the fallen veil. She arranged it neatly in front of the intimidating heart, but the lace cascaded into Maudeline's eyes like a white waterfall. "You imbecile!" she scolded as she lifted the veil. "Now I can't see where I'm going!"
Gwendolyn lifted her eyes to meet her mistress's. "we would have spent less time trying, madam," she squeaked, "if you did not wear your hair so high."
Maudeline gave her maid a look of shock and disgust. "Never!" she shrieked, patting her mammoth bun as if it were a child. "I'd sooner go without it!"
That was exactly what happened. At long last, an hour and a half after the scheduled time, Maudeline Sectaire tromped into the church with an angry swagger. Everyone gasped as she passed; a bride with no veil was a terrible breach of propriety! A young Pastor Galswels waved his hand for silence. It was time for the ceremony to begin.
"With this hand, I will lift your sorrows," began Finis. He grabbed Maudeline's hand in his own. She cringed as he continued, "Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine." He picked up a bottle and impatiently turned it upside-down, scarlet liquid bleeding into his goblet. "With this candle will light your way in darkness," he droned on as he lit a white candle, waving it as if it were a sword. "With this ring, I ask you to me mine!" he declared triumphantly.
Maudeline rolled her eyes as Finis slipped a gold ring on her finger but repeated her vows nonetheless. Her voice rang through the church in a nonchalant, monotonous tone, and it must be confessed that the snores of a few old men could be heard over her. A roar of applause erupted when she finally dropped her ring into Finis's hand. The bride and groom were stunned; this was the first display if emotion either of them had seen from the town!
The reception was a party to end all parties. Long, thin Sectaires; short, chubby Everglots; even a few freeloading "relatives" no one could remember had come to eat, drink, and wish the newlyweds well. "Finis, where do you keep the spirits!" cantankerous old Grandfather Everglot demanded in his drunken stupor.
Finis had not heard him. He was too busy having his ear talked off by Maudeline's father. "How long have you had this place, Finny?" he was saying. 'It looks small - smaller than our house. Speaking of small, I got myself locked n a closet once...was in there three days before the maid found me. Took her a while to find the key, though. What an experience! Do you have cats? I hope you don't have cats! I'm allergic to cats...make me sneeze something terrible..."
"Gerhard, come away from the boy this instant!" a shrill female voice made them both jump. Finis turned around, only to look into the hard face of Lucianna Sectaire, Maudeline's mother. She was an older version of Maudeline; she had the same cold eyes, the same pointed chin, and the same bird-like body. Her hair was now white with age, but Finis was sure it had once been the same maple brown as her daughter's. She gave her husband a rude look and said to Finis, "I apologize, Finis, but it appears my husband's mouth operates faster than his brain."
"Come, Gerhard!" she ordered. Mr. Sectaire followed his wife like a wounded dog. Finis watched them go with a sinking feeling. What if he had made a terrible mistake? Had he just married his mother-in-law?
After many hours, the party finally died. "Finis, come to bed at once!" Maudeline commanded, her gargantuan hairdo looming over the headboard. 'Just like her mother,' Finis thought as he sat on the bed, keeping as far away from his new wife as possible. He puffed out the candle on the night stand and fell fast asleep.
A tendril escaped from Maudeline's prized bun, then another and another. They inched across the bed to the sleeping Finis, who gave a loud snore. The rogue curls cowered in fear close to their mistress until one particularly bold lock poked him in the side. When he did not stir, the tresses knew it was safe to proceed. The entwined themselves around Finis's waist and squeezed. Their tight hold on him cut through flesh and blood with a sickening ssllluuuurrrp! Th-thuuuccckk!
The noises awoke Finis from a deep slumber. He threw back the covers and saw his wife's hair wound around him, blood staining the sheets. He was sure he must be dreaming, but when he tried to get out of bed, he discovered that his legs wouldn't move! "Aaaaaarrrrggh!" he screamed, realizing that the blood soaking the bed was his.
Maudeline's eyes snapped open. "What is the meaning of-" she began, but the strange scene before her silenced her. She saw he once glorious hair lying limp and loose in a pool of Finis's blood. "My hair!" she wailed. "What did you do to my hair!"
Her frenzied sobs and finis's pained moans alerted the servants. The door flew open, and Emile and Hildegarde burst inside. "What is it?" Emile worried. "What's happened?"
Their eyes fell to Maudeline's hair that surrounded Finis like a thorny rosebush. Emile gave her once grand locks a hard tug in a futile attempt to extricate Finis. "Stop yanking it!"Maudeline yelled at him, making the butler let go of her hair in surprise.
Thinking quickly, Hildegarde grabbed a pair of tin silver scissors from the pocket of her apron and proceeded to cut Finis free of his hairy cocoon. Maudeline screamed like a prisoner being burned alive. Emile covered his ears, and Finis flinched at the sound of her high-pitched shrieks. It seemed that only Hildegarde had not lost patience with her. "I'm sorry I had to cut off your pretty hair, dearie," she said sweetly, replacing her scissors, "but I had to save your husband."
Maudeline reached up and touched her head in horror. To her own dismay, she could feel where her hair ended! "My hair is gone!" she sobbed.
"It's okay, child," Hildegarde said soothingly, trying to ut an arm around the distraught Maudeline. "Let Hilda fetch you a cup of tea. You'll feel better."
Maudeline's eyes blazed behind a veil of tears. "I will never feel better," she vowed bitterly. "I can never be the same without-"
She was interrupted as the rope-like hair that still gripped Finis shriveled and shrunk into oblivion. Finis stretched is arms, relieved to be freed, but his legs would not move, even when released from their bonds. "Dear God!" Emile whispered. "His bottom half's gone!"
Finis screamed hysterically at the thought of having no legs. He worked himself into such a tizzy, he hit his head on the night stand and was knocked out cold. Hildegarde led a sniffling Maudeline out of the room, surprised beyond belief that she was allowing her to do so, while Emile hurried to fetch the doctor. "Don't worry, ma'am," said Hildegarde, trying to comfort Maudeline. "He'll be fine. You'll see."
Finis was the last thing on Maudeline's mind, why couldn't anybody see that? He deserved to die for ravaging her beautiful bun! Now, she had nothing to be proud of, nothing that set her apart from the crowd, and nothing to call her own. She tried pins, ribbons, and hats, but nothing was anywhere near as striking as the heart-shaped bun that had attacked Finis.
Unfortunately, Finis Everglot survived the ordeal and was sent to recover in a nearby hospital. Nearly a month had passed before Emile, Hildegarde, and a vindictive Maudeline (today wearing a deep gray hat with a freakish-looking bat on top) were allowed to take him home. "How is he, Doctor?" Maudeline inquired, trying her best to sound concerned.
"Your husband has made some excellent progress, Mrs. Everglot," Dr. Wolfsbane, Finis's physician informed her, "however, the attack has brought on a tremendous change in his physique."
The doctor pulled back a white curtain to reveal a short, stumpy Finis sitting up in bed, stuffing himself with cakes. He waved "Hello" at them and proceeded to wipe the frosting off his face with his sleeve. The servants gasped. ":What is the meaning of this!"Maudeline demanded. "He's an absolute disgrace!"
"Calm yourself, Mrs. Everglot," said Dr. Wolfsbane. "You see, we were able to attach a false bottom to your husband, but that made his body disproportionate. We had to keep feeding him, or else he would've withered away."
Finis Everglot lost half his height to the binding bun and now only came as high as his wife's knee. In the streets people took the time to stare at the rotund little man and his vulture-like wife. While Maudeline had trouble fitting through doors, Finis could not see out of them. Procreation was such a chore that it was only done once, resulting in a beautiful baby girl named Victoria. After Maudeline had once again grown enough hair for her precious bun, she ordered her belongings to be moved to a different room, and Finis agreed, lest he fall prey to the carnivorous coiffure...again.
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