Life Keeps Moving by: Lady-Cynic
Summary: Sai's emotions break free and Kakashi is there to pick up the pieces. Oneshot(?)
A/N: This is old, and I wrote it mainly to get the pairing out of my system. I really like it; I think they'd be cute together, Sai all clueless in anything sexual and Kakashi being all lecherous around him. Uh, love it. XD Excuse my fangirling. I am working on Afterlife, but uh, I AM STUCK! Not to mention really sick. I just felt like posting this up because it's collecting proverbial dust and felt like it should be shared. Not Beta'd, and was technically written at like 4/5 AM? I don't know, it was back in 2012. Also, sorry for OOC-Sai. It was really early and I just needed to get this out of my system at the time.
Warning: Slash (Kakashi/Sai); angst; slight depression, and a handjob.
Disclaimer: One day, my darklings, I will own Naruto. Today is not that day.
This is where stuff happens:
The clearing was peaceful, a quiet lull giving them the false sense of security. They had recently finished a mission so they decided to relax here in this meadow, where time stood still and no judgment would pass. There was blood splattered over Kakashi's mask and a few droplets had made its home on Sai's cheeks; they were the only reminders that life wasn't as perfect or ideal as the meadow. Tall stalks of grass danced lazily in the breeze, making it look more like a green-gold sea rather than the land. They always came here after a mission. It was almost tradition now, something only the two would do.
Kakashi had been doing it for far longer than Sai. So when he had gone to the clearing one day and saw his team's newest addition, he was surprised to say the least. But he had calmly walked up and sat next to the kid and they stayed silent in a surprisingly non-awkward way. Sai hadn't felt that social need to converse and Kakashi never pressed it. At that point, talking was not needed; it was if they had transcended such needs.
After that first time, they would join up at the meadow, sometimes together, sometimes at different intervals, but they always left with the other at his heels. When Danzo had died, Sai had felt lost, confused, and surprisingly, a bit hurt. On that day he came to the meadow and tried to suppress the emotions like ROOT had taught him to, but for some reason it was surprisingly hard to do. Kakashi had found him, hugging his knees and huddled into a little ball, making choked noises as he held back the torrent emotions. The jōnin had simple got on his knees and hugged the boy. Not knowing what he was supposed to do, Sai had let him as he tried to hold it in.
"It's ok Sai; we will never abandon you nor forget you. You are not a replacement; you are a permanent member." The words had struck a chord within him and next thing he knew he was crying into Kakashi's chest, clutching onto the lapels of his vest. After what seemed like hours of crying, he had finally calmed down enough to notice the awkward position he had put the older man in.
"I am sorry Kakashi-Sempai, I do not know what came over me," he murmured, not looking at him.
"It's ok Sai; that's what we call emotions and feeling," he said with his signature eye smile.
"Then why does it hurt?" he asked, clutching his heart as if that would ward off the pain.
"Because it matters."
That was a week ago. Now they were back home after a particularly bloody and high ranking mission that involved some top secret scrolls that had to be delivered to the Hokage ASAP. Sai, with so much on his mind, had gone straight to the meadow afterwards instead of home. In his mind this place was more calming than his own. Kakashi, knowing all of this already, had followed him there. So here they were. Sai licked his lips in slight agitation. It was hard to think straight for the past week and he didn't like it. He didn't like the muddled feelings that had been repressed for far too long, didn't like the flashes of desire and uncertainty, the sadness and confusion, the sense of lost, didn't like the way his skin was abuzz and hyperaware when the silver haired ninja was around. It was all new an different and he couldn't handle it.
"Something the matter Sai?" Kakashi asked, looking off onto the horizon. Sai hesitated.
"I am fine Kakashi-Sempai," he murmured.
"Bullshit! You're lying," he cried, suddenly in Sai's face. He gave a small startled jump and tried to move away but Kakashi's hand flashed to his neck and kept him check.
"I-I don't know what you're talking about Kakashi-Sempai." Fear; it was another emotion he detested. It kept him paralyzed and weak when he should've coolly brushed off the other man and walk away. But it kept him in place much more effectively than the man's tight grip, thumb right on top of his windpipe.
"Your pupils are dilated, breath is erratic, your right hand is shaking, as if you want to go for your kunai, but you don't, you're avoiding me and ignore me whenever you have the chance, you bite your lips and chew your nails, a sign of tension and anxiety, and you haven't been yourself since last week. Now tell me the truth, what is wrong?"
Sai was close to tears now. Sadness and guilt and shame ate at him in fiery hot flames and he couldn't stop them. He didn't like those emotions either; they made him feel worthless, like a broken tool with no purpose or chance of redemption. It hurt him way worse than the feeling of lost of Danzo's death or being nothing but a temporary replacement for Sasuke that would soon be forgotten. He squeezed his eyes and mouth shut, not wanting the shameful tears and pitiful noises slipping out. He did not want Kakashi to see them. He felt that if the older man saw them, then he would be lesser somehow; debased even. He shook his head erratically as his form of an answer, unable to put any of his feelings into words.
He felt Kakashi's thumb wipe away the grime and blood on his face and he let out a choked sob. Soon Kakashi found himself with an armful of a sobbing Sai, who just held on for dear life.
"I-I can't stop them Sempai. They hurt too much and I can't stop them. I do not like not being in control. It hurts and bothers me too much. I-I want them gone. It was so easy when they were gone. Make them go away Sempai. I can't stand being around the others without feeling like a replacement and I can't be around you without being distracted and feeling odd. I do not like that Sempai. Please take them away."
Kakashi gripped the crying boy even more tightly, hands threaded through his head and rubbing his back soothingly. Then something Sai had said clicked in his mind.
"What do mean by you feel odd around me?"
Sai buried his face into the man's neck, breathing in the familiar, comforting scent.
"I-I feel light headed and heavy at the same time and my skin feels like it's being pumped with electricity and it's hard to breathe and my heart hurts and my stomach gets all fluttery. And I umm, I get a strange feeling, ah, down there. I don't like it. You make me ill and feel odd. Make it stop now!"
Kakashi took in a shuddering breath. This was going far differently than he had expected. He didn't think the boy could go there; he thought Sai was asexual for kami's sake!
"Sai, have you ever been attracted to anyone? Sexually I mean," he wondered in the boy's ear. His breath ghosted over it, causing him to shiver in his arms, face still buried in his neck.
"No, ah, you are the first Kakashi-Sempai. I-I'm sorry."
"Why 'are you sorry?"
"I-Isn't it wrong?"
"Hmm ... not really," he continued to stroke the boy's hair, hands rubbing up and down his sides. What was once soothing was now a little bit more. Sai's breath became even more erratic, and he clutched him more tightly in hopes of some self control.
"Kakashi-Sempai, I told you to make it stop, not make it worse!" Sai cried, now quaking in the man's arms. Kakashi's visible eye widened, he was supposed to sooth the boy, not make him horny as fuck! But he was making the prettiest noises, mewling like a cat and arching into his touch, so unsure of himself and so innocent in anything sexual. Maybe this one time would be ok. Maybe it wouldn't be a total disaster like his last relationship. Hmm...
His face was hot and his body felt like it was on fire. Kakashi's finger sent his skin ablaze and his pants became unbearably tight, straining against his erection. He wasn't used to this; the sensation was too foreign for him to understand. He squirmed in the man's arms and he let out a gasp at the sudden friction it brought him. Now THAT was a feeling he could get used to and he rolled his hips in hope for more of that sweet friction. A pair of strong arms around his waist stopped him though, and he gave out a small cry when he was denied. He felt Kakashi's breath against his ear as he spoke again.
"If we're going to do this, then promise me something."
"Y-yes, anything. Just, ha, just, please!" He didn't know what he wanted but he knew he needed it now!
"Just make sure I am the only one. Do you understand me Sai?"
Sai nodded against his chest and mumbled something that Kakashi barely caught; "It only feels good when Kakashi-Sempai does it."
And with that, Kakashi attacked. Pulling down his mask, he marked Sai's porcelain white neck, his hands trailing downwards. Sai gave a loud moan when his hands found its' mark. He started out slowly, to have the boy to get used to the feeling of someone giving him a hand job. He rubbed the tip, already dripping with pre-cum. Sai gasped and shuddered, leaning into the touch whilst bracing his arms against Kakashi. He took advantage of his position and Sai's open mouth, swooping in for a kiss. Sai's moan was load to his ear and he felt like he was melting. Kakashi's fingers knew just what to do, teasing him and giving him a type of pleasure that he didn't know existed.
His breath hitched and he only had a moment's notice before he came all over Kakashi's hands, screaming his name and was left gasping for air. Kakashi raised his eyebrow, not surprised that the boy came so quickly. Seeing his cum dripping on his hand, Sai tentatively grabbed it and began to lick it off. It would've been innocent enough if it didn't hold so many dirty connotations in Kakashi's head. With a clean hand and a yawn, he rubbed an eye and Kakashi was struck on how CUTE he was. It was a bit much actually. Despite having a raging hard on and wanting to fuck the boy senseless right then and there, he held himself back.
"You tired?" he whispered to him. Sai nodded and Kakashi sighed. It would be a bit difficult getting home then. He pulled his mask back on, finding comfort in that scrap of cloth. Then he cleaned Sai and himself as much as possible with an old rag. The boy, for his part, was trying to fight sleep, but it had a surprisingly strong hold on him. He felt comfortable and safe, another set of emotions that he most definitely liked.
Hauling him up onto his shoulders, he took Sai home piggyback style. Sai just nuzzled the older man's neck and hair, inhaling that scent that he now associated with all the emotions he liked. It felt nice to know someone had your back and was willing to protect you given the chance. This sense of safety plus fatigue culminated to the point where Sai fell fast asleep before Kakashi managed to make it to his house. With a twitch of his lips (he was not smiling at how cute he was, nope not at all. Dammit!) he set him on his bed and stripped him of any unnecessary clothes (which would've been all of it, but he didn't think Sai would go for that). He was about to walk away when he felt a hand grip his wrist tightly. He turned to see a blushing Sai shaking his head desperately while avoiding his eyes.
"Please stay," his voice sounded small, so unlike him and he feared that Kakashi would brush him off and leave.
To his relief, the man took off his shoes and vest and sidled next to him. Sai instantly nuzzled him; it seemed he couldn't get enough of his scent, nor could he stand being without contact. He liked it though, and to drive his more unwelcoming emotions, he took it and ran with them.
Kakashi stayed long after he fell asleep. He felt a compulsion to do so, as if to protect him the dangers darkness brings even though Sai was more that capable enough to protect himself. It wasn't a protectiveness that came from the fact he was their team captain, and it was his duty. No, it ran deeper than that. The last time he felt like that-no, he wouldn't bring back painful memories. Not of him. It would hurt too much to think of what could've been but never would.
A/N: Who can't write? That's right, meeeee! … I need some DayQuil, 'cause I seem to lost the ability to function properly. Anywhos, leave a review or something if you want me to continue, and if not, well then at least let me thank you for reading. Adieu darklings.