Cannibal
Author's Note: I was bumming around DeviantArt and looking a few pictures of the Kanker sisters when the song "Cannibal" by Ke$ha (ridiculous name) started playing. Which, if you've ever listened to it, is kind of the perfect song for the Kankers. Thusly, I had to write a story… Enjoy!...?
Disclaimer: I do not own Ed, Edd, n' Eddy, nor do I own the song lyrics written here.
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Double Dee stood outside the door of the Kanker sister's trailer for a moment, shifting foot to foot. No matter how many times he came to visit Marie at her home of his own volition, it still made him nervous- perhaps the last vestiges of the terror the sisters had wrought on him and his compatriots in childhood. He licked his lips, adjusted his trade-marked hat, tugged at the hem of his shirt, raised his fist to knock on the door, and- "Would you get the Hell in here, already?" Lee's voice permeated the screen door, nearly causing the nervous boy to topple over.
He regained his footing and quickly obeyed the eldest sister's orders, shutting the door firmly behind himself. "H-hello," Double Dee paused to clear his throat and continued speaking with more confidence, "Lee, May, how are you this evening?"
"Not bad, Cutie. How you doing?" Lee grinned at him from her spot on the couch.
"I'm not bad myself, but… I don't think Marie would…. Would appreciate you, er, flirting with me in such a manner." The nervous teen replied, glancing around the nautically-themed room.
Lee snorted in reply. "That ain't flirting."
"We can show you flirting!" May piped up from the other side of the couch, throwing him a saucy wink.
"Shut it, May." Lee smacked her youngest sister's shoulder, earning herself a scowl that she promptly ignored, and turned back to Double Dee. "'Sides, it ain't like you two are datin' or anything."
"Well, no, but I… er, we… I mean… well, that is to say…" Double Dee fidgeted under Lee's possibly intense stare- it was difficult to tell with all that hair in her eyes- and refused to make what may have been eye contact with the red-head.
"He's so cute when he's nervous." Lee grinned, then jabbed a thumb towards the back of the trailer. "Marie's out back, takin' care of the laundry. And not complainin' for once…"
The flustered boy paused his stuttering just long enough to toss a confused glance at the Kanker. "If she's out back, why did you tell me to come in?"
"Cause it's frickin' irritatin' the way you stand outside the door for five minutes messing with your hat before you actually knock." Lee grunted, looking back at the television.
"O-oh. My apologies. I'll be sure to hasten my knocking the next time I come to visit…" Double Dee trailed off as he slipped back out the front door.
As he made his way around to the back of the trailer, he heard a voice raised above the regular background noise of the Park n' Flush. He could tell by the pattern that the voice was singing, but it was hard to tell what, exactly was being sung. Finally, he rounded the trailer and found it was Marie's surprisingly melodic voice he was hearing.
Rather than taking care of the laundry, as Lee had informed him, Marie was doing a bizarre dance around the clothes line and singing along to whatever song was coming in through her headphones. Double Dee paused to watch and listen to the lyrics a bit.
"Whenever you tell me I'm pretty,
That's when the hunger really hits me.
Your little heart goes pitter-patter,
I want your liver on a platter.
Use your finger to stir my tea,
And for dessert I'll suck your teeth.
Be too sweet and you'll be a goner.
Yep- I'll pull a Jeffrey Dahmer!"
Double Dee began sweating nervously. This song was all too reminiscent of the Marie he'd known in middle school- wild, predatory, and, frankly, rather terrifying. He watched the blue-haired teen swirl around the half-dead grass, doing what appeared to be a modernized tribal dance with fluid yet jerky movements. He continued watching, his level of horror steadily increasing, as Marie chanted with the song.
"I eat boys up,
Breakfast and lunch,
Then, when I'm thirsty,
I drink their blood.
Carnivore animal,
I am a cannibal,
I eat boys up.
You better run!"
Suddenly, Marie stopped singing and dancing altogether and Double Dee realized she'd caught his reflection in the dingy back window of the trailer. "Hey, Double Dee!" She turned on him with a grin to match her song- wild, predatory, and, frankly, rather terrifying- and waved him over.
Double Dee, being the reasonable soul he was, gave a shout of fright and then did precisely what the lyrics told him to; that is, he ran. Even as he could hear Marie's raucous laughter behind him and he told himself it was only a song, he kept running. He could always explain tomorrow, at school. In view of witnesses.
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Author's Note: I put the song on loop so I could hear it while writing the story… I think it's stuck in my head now. Anyway, that was fun. Hope you guys liked it! A review would be loved if anyone feels like it.
And for those of you who don't know, Jeffrey Dahmer was serial killer who murdered 17 known people and was indeed a cannibal. Among other things…