A Visit From Mum

God could not be everywhere so he invented mothers. – Anonymous

Emily Prentiss looked around the BAU bullpen desperately. There was no place to hide. Her brain screamed in panic and Emily bit her lip. Why here? Why NOW?! She had always had the worst luck in the world, but this just about topped it all. They were here, in the BAU! And she only had a few more minutes until her mother and potential fiancé walked into the bullpen. Emily had absolutely no intention of marrying that … cheap bastard.

Emily's eyes caught on Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner's office. It was dark and the door was closed. Her stoic boss was in a conference in Strauss' office. Emily ran up the stairs, two at a time. Thankfully the door was unlocked. Hotch wouldn't mind, he couldn't stand Emily's mother any more than she could. Closing the door behind her she leaned against the polished wood for a moment trying to catch her breath.

As Emily moved forward into the office she thanked her lucky fricken stars that the blinds were drawn. If they were open everyone would know where she was.

'Now then' Emily muttered 'If I know you Hotchner, you'll have a bottle of port in here somewhere'

A few minutes later she produced the bottle and took the cork out. Hotch wouldn't mind. That is if he ever wanted to sleep with her again he wouldn't mind. Having been with Hotch for eight months Emily knew what buttons to push to make Hotch, or Aaron as he insisted he call her, do her will. They had taken it slowly at first, pairing up on cases, and a couple of romantic dinners until finally she had allowed him inside her bed. Emily had a niggling suspicion that he was going to pop the question soon. As she took a healthy dosage of port, the rose liquid making her drowsy but feel better, she wondered why he hadn't. He knew how she felt.

Emily felt her brain go fuzzy with port. She smiled lazily and kicked off her shoes, curling into ball in her boyfriend's comfy desk chair.

The door opened then and Hotch entered, looking (in Emily's highly drunk-professional opinion) very sexy in his business suit. He didn't notice her at first as he shrugged out of his jacket and threw his briefcase into a corner with a tired expression plastered to his handsome face. Then he saw her. He took in her discarded shoes, rumpled hair and the port bottle in ten seconds.

'Hi Em' he said cautiously.

'Hey there' Emily said, happy grin set firmly in place.

'Sweetie what are you doing' he asked, still very cautious.

'I'm hiding' she whispered and held a finger to her lips. That grin was still on her lips.

Hotch was no fool, if his Emily was tipsy there had to be an explanation. And not being a fool made him realise that that wasn't going to happen soon. So he sat down on the corner of his desk and watched his girlfriend swig from his port bottle.

'Em, honey, I had a full bottle of port this morning, how much is left?' he asked tentatively.

Emily looked up at him with wide eyes and looked at the bottle in her hands. She gave it a shake. Hotch sighed, it was half full. Emily motioned him to lean close to her and he obliged.

'She's come for me' she whispered dramatically.

Hotch leaned back as Emily giggled and nodded her head. 'Who's come for you hon?' he asked.

'Mummy darling that's who' Emily slurred, taking another drink.

Hotch raised an eyebrow. 'Why is that sweetie?' he asked and made a grab for the bottle, missing by inches.

'Mine now' Emily teased, holding the bottle closer to her chest. She took another sip and glared at Hotch.

'She's here to condemn me to hell' Emily told him.

'How is that?'

'She's going to marry me off to some Harvond prick'

'I think you mean Harvard Emmy' Hotch corrected.

'Yesh! Harvond!' Emily paused 'Maybe she'll go see Jimmy at NCIS instead'

Jimmy Palmer was Emily's cousin. Oblivious as they come he was the only one she trusted enough to tell about her and Hotch. As if on cue Palmer slipped through the door.

'If that mother of yours comes into NCIS one more time Em I swear to God that I will make you pay!' Palmer all but cried.

'Ssshhh' Emily whispered dramatically 'The mole rat will hear you. If your shouting brings her in here we'll go roundabout – just like when we were little'

Palmer covered his crotch with both hands quickly. Hotch smirked. Palmer's eyes went wide. He spotted the port bottle, tipping precariously in his cousin's hand.

'You are so whipped' he breathed at Hotch.

'Excuse me?'

'Once she's got something strong like that – there is no stopping her. You are so whipped'

Emily was taking another swig. Palmer snatched at the bottle and missed. Emily snatched up Hotch's silver letter opener, a gift from Gideon a few years back, and waved it clumsily at Palmer.

'You will have noshing but holes where your eyes ushed to be' she warned.

'Yeah you're screwed' Palmer classified.

'At least one of us is getting "screwed" Palmer' Hotch shot back.

Emily giggled as Palmer flushed. At that point the door opened and a very harassed looking JJ slipped inside.

'Welcome to che party' Emily called, and then clapped a hand over her mouth. JJ turned on her.

'Why is your mother here?' she hissed 'She comes into my office, whilst I was minding my own business and tells me that I really ought to start a detox cleansing diet!'

Emily sighed and then frowned. Her bottle was almost empty. 'Where's the other bottle Aaron?' she asked sweetly.

'Uh-uh not telling honey' Hotch shook his head.

'Prick' Emily stuck out her tongue.

JJ, who had calmed down by now having got what she needed out of her head, looked confused. 'Hotch' she said 'Why'd you call her honey? And who is that guy next to you who looks like he might wet himself?'

'I'm no one' Palmer said quickly.

'That's not true. He is Jimmy Palmer, the wet blanket that calls himself my cousin' Emily informed JJ.

'Wet blanket?' Palmer asked looking wounded.

'Hay I could of used ass-wipe instead' Emily reassured him.

'I like donkey ass better' Hotch said dryly.

'Would someone please tell me what the hell is going on here?' JJ demanded.

'Those two have been sleeping together' Palmer said, eager to retaliate 'For eight months'

JJ gaped. Hotch glared at Palmer. Emily gave her cousin the finger. She and Hotch spoke at the same time.

'Ass wipe'

'Donkey ass'

'And I'm hearing about this now?!' JJ spat out.

'Look I hate to break this up but . . . ' Palmer began and was cut off by Reid entering the office, Garcia hot on his heels.

Emily jumped and nearly dropped her precious bottle of port. Something seemed to snap and she sat up straight, grabbed Hotch by his shirt and shook him.

'I don't wanna marry that Harvond prick' she sobbed. Hotch pulled her into a hug.

'So that's why your mothers here' Reid mused, completely oblivious to the public display of affection literally dancing in front of him.

'What are you two doing!' Garcia cried.

'Apparently these two have been getting it on' JJ spoke up 'For months now!'

Garcia flared up. 'Emily Prentiss' she hissed 'Explain this!'

Emily broke apart from Hotch and gave a maddening grin. 'I've been shaggin' our boss in bed' she slurred happily 'And let me tell you the sex is-'

'Emmy! To much info my brunette butterfly' Garcia said as Hotch went pink 'And as for you boss man you better be taking care of my Emmy-boo in other ways too or so help me god I will castrate you without mercy and there will be no more children for you!'

Hotch had the decency to look scared. At this point Emily was prowling around searching for his second bottle of port. Reid watched her, face stricken.

'How much port has she had?' he asked.

'Who knows' Hotch sighed. 'Emmy give me the bottle'

'No' Emily said simply.

Hotch sighed again and put the letter opener away, least it gave Garcia any more encouragement. The door opened again and Morgan slipped in.

'Em, baby girl, can't you control your god-be-damned mother' he nearly shouted.

'Ssshhh' everyone said.

'Shan't' Emily said belligerently.

'Well if you don't you're gonna end up married to the guy who looks like he's run head first into a brick wall' Morgan snapped 'And I'm gonna have to vow chastity and become a monk'

JJ and Garcia snorted. Hotch raised one eyebrow. 'Don't wanna marry him' Emily whined 'He's probably got a dick the size of a pin' she added, giggling.

At this point Hotch made a grab for the bottle and missed again. Emily pointed a shaking finger at her lover. 'Try it again dickhead or so help me you'll never see the inside of my bedroom ever again, at least not with me in it' she snapped, swaying a bit.

Hotch considered his options and leaned back again. Morgan was staring open mouthed at his supervisor and colleague.

'You mean to tell me that you two have been fuck- '

'Been there, covered that sugar pie' Garcia waved him off. Then she turned back to him, confused. 'What do you mean you have to become a monk my Chocó god?'

'Emily's ma has connections' Morgan mumbled.

'She's a snake' Palmer nodded.

Emily nodded. 'Yesh she is' she said and drained her bottle.

Hotch breathed a sigh of relief. However, unfortunately for poor Hotch, Morgan produced his hip flask which was filled with whisky. It was half way to his lips when Emily snatched it.

'Mine now' she sang, taking a swig. Morgan glared at her and she stuck her tongue out.

Palmer gave a sly grin towards Hotch. 'I know one solution to this problem' he said.

'Don't even contemplate it' Hotch bit out.

'I tell you Mister Rossi that child of mine needs reigning in. All this FBI silliness is going straight to her head'

I am going to murder you later David Rossi, Hotch thought.

Emily squeaked. The door opened and she tried to run but Hotch grabbed her and slipped one protective arm around her waist. Nobody saw his hand whip into his pocket and clasp around a small ring box. Ambassador Elizabeth Prentiss stood on the threshold. Rossi behind her and a younger man dressed in a suit. He did have a very ugly face.

'Emily, I've finally found you' Elizabeth said criply.

'Mother I didn't know you were –hic- here' Emily hiccupped.

'Good god Emily are you drunk?'

'Found your port did she Hotch?' Rossi asked from the doorway.

'And Emily why has your boss got his arm around your waist?'

Emily sighed and glanced sideways at Hotch. His eyes bored into hers, love radiating out of them.

'He's my boyfriend mother' Emily said.

Elizabeth seemed to be thrown. The young man looked shocked.

'Actually' Hotch spoke up 'I'm more than her boyfriend ma'am'

'What?' Emily and her mother chorused.

'I'm her fiancé – that is if she'll take me as her husband' Hotch said, dropping to one knee and producing a ring box, which he opened.

Everyone in the room gasped. The ring was stunning. There was a diamond surrounded by tiny amethysts –Emily's favourites – all set on a gold band. Emily blinked.

'So Emily, will you marry me?' Hotch asked.

Emily grinned. 'Of course!' she screamed and leapt at him. He laughed and lifted her up.

'Sure that was loud enough Em?' Palmer asked, grinning.

'Shut up Jimmy' she said and kissed Hotch, who responded by snaking his arms around her waist.

'Well then it seems my services are no longer required' the Harvard graduate said and ran out the office. Elizabeth looked furious.

'We'll talk about this later' she started.

'Probably after Emily's gotten over her hang over' Rossi muttered.

'Wait!' Elizabeth called and ran after the Harvard graduate.

Emily giggled and Hotch looked around at the team. 'Sorry about not telling you guys' he said.

'Nah don't worry bout it man' Morgan said, smiling.

'But' JJ added.

'If you hurt Em' Reid said.

'I will take your perfect boss man head and shove it so far up your arse that you'll see your lungs' Garcia finished mildly.

They all laughed, Hotch slipped the ring onto Emily's finger and kissed her again. Maybe everything would be alright now.

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Oh yeah and in case your wondering Emily had a world class hangover the next morning. Hotch was only too happy to nurse her. =D

THE END.