A Little Selfishness
Disclaimer: All recognizable characters are the property of Yana Toboso and Square Enix, Co. Ltd. I don't own them; I just examine all their possibilities.
Author's Note: This was my contribution to the Summer of Shinigami fic exchange on Tumblr and written for Zoni. This was my first time really writing Eric and Alan so they might not be entirely in character.
All reapers will find themselves in a compromising position with at least one of their colleagues.
It was treated like some sort of scientific fact among certain circles, usually over drinks and amid laughs usually conveyed as "Every reaper will end up naked with another guy" or something of the like. Naturally responding parties would strongly, usually in a lower octave would strongly recite the mantra, "Not me, let me tell you. No way will this happen to me."
Eric was once in that second group, the same one over a few pints or a few shots of the flavor of the evening would declare his "masculinity:"
"I ain't no buggerer, swear it to the gods I ain't getting into some other blokes peculiars."
Alan heard this said at least once, if not a few times in the early days. That was a while ago and he would be damned if he didn't let Eric live this down. He brought this up when he and Eric had tea together, even when they talked about their clients in front of a fireplace. He recalled this on so many mornings when they woke up next to each other tangled in the sheets with clothes on the floor, and yes sometimes he just had to bring this up.
He didn't know how it happened. They were simply senior and junior, then they became close friends, brothers eventually, though the old saying proved a self-fulfilling prophecy. There were quite a few recitations from Eric of, "Look I'm not one of those reapers who actually gets involved with colleagues, if you get my meanin'" but that faded fast when they first found themselves inching closer, then kissing, and further from there.
Still Eric wasn't exactly the warmest chap. He wasn't about hearts and flowers; he was a rough guy with a filthy mouth and some filthy habits. He wasn't exactly the type to hold hands lovingly in public or gaze into each other's eyes, or give flowers and kisses on random occasions in the hallway or in the dining room. Alan never expected that of him, in fact he wasn't sure how much he liked that sort of thing himself. He wasn't exactly one for sentimentality, valuing practicality a bit more. They had each other, they had a decent understanding of their feelings, that was all they needed.
Alan knew about all the rough nights, he knew how much Eric could drink. He knew how Eric could curse himself blue. He knew how Eric wasn't that quiet about what colleagues he didn't like that much.
He once overheard Knox whining to a co-worker about the secretaries Eric snatched from him during a party then disappeared into a broom closet. Alan's initial reaction was slight betrayal, or rather the feeling he should feel more betrayed than he actually did. He did address this with Eric, Eric was slightly embarrassed though it more amounted to "Don't feel you have to hide anything from me." From then on it was open knowledge, an open understanding, openness in general.
Then Alan decided to cash in on this openness; he cashed it in with one of the least likely and least appropriate people to get intimately involved with.
He didn't know how it happened, but it did. Unprofessional yes, but what's life without a few risks? He dared see the good in someone; first respect in general but a legitimate, pardon the term, "human" side to this man.
It started with cordial work discussions over the side of the cubicle, then turned into talk sessions over tea. Then something came up about a mutual interest in target shooting that turned into a casual afternoon with rifles and glass birdies in the athletic field. One evening he invited Alan to his room for a few drinks. A few drinks became a few more then a few more after that; the sure path to light kisses, though both of them pulled away realizing their impropriety.
It wasn't appropriate for the Dispatch Manager to have this kind of relationship with his subordinate; that's what Mr. Spears said after pulling back from Alan and practically jumping from his seat. Mr. Spears practically ordered him out of his room, Alan was more than happy to oblige.
Mr. Spears sent him a note later apologizing for his abruptness, saying it was never his intention to personally injure him. Alan wrote back that he was truly appreciative of his consideration. A week later they did agree to meet for tea, a few hours after that they were back in Mr. Spears' room and consummating this newfound deep "friendship." Both mutually decided not to feel guilty about this.
That was how things sat, the new routine perhaps. Alan couldn't bring himself to call it a double-cross or professional suicide no matter how much his conscience would nudge him. He would spend most days with Eric; eat meals together whenever they got time in their schedules, talked business at the office, though they usually found the time to sit for dinner.
They didn't exactly make a secret out of their "friendship" as it was. Alan was aware of all the sideways looks, all the whispers, they both were aware of everything. What did they have to hide? Though why couldn't Eric be a little less gruff with him in public while being more of a gentleman in private quarters? Why did Eric have to always snap back after leaning in or put his hand to his side after momentarily caressing Alan's arm?
Perhaps that was what made a completely secret relationship so much better: everything was hidden, not just the meaningful parts.
Mr. Spears would leave him a message: "I wish to discuss some strategies with you, it would be best if we met in my quarters so we could talk a bit more in peace. I believe 9 o'clock might be the opportune time for both of us." It was almost always something to that effect.
Alan would just go, if Eric was around he would tell him it was a business meeting. He never said who it was with; Eric just seemed to understand how dedicated he was. Odds were Eric was off somewhere getting drunk and Alan didn't need to explain himself.
He would meet Mr. Spears in his room, though these nights "Mr. Spears" was simply "William." William would usually have tea ready with some finger sandwiches. He was actually a gracious host; in the office he was all business, after hours he seemed to relax a bit. They would always talk for a while, often about business, sometimes about other topics of interest. He was a wonderful conversationalist; very knowledgeable about so many subjects though did not express himself in a pretentious, condescendingly intelligent way.
Gradually they would move closer, gradually they would both end up in each others arms. He was actually a rather good kisser, though his touches were a bit rough. He was a man used to control; Eric by contrast was more relaxed, not showing the same dominance William did. The thought crossed Alan's mind possibly every time that this was just another form of authority for William; perhaps he was truly Mr. Spears in the bedroom as well. Alan actually found he didn't mind this; perhaps he truly liked more dominant men, maybe that's why he worked with Eric's gruffness as he did.
William would strip him methodically, Alan preferred doing the same in a bit more gentle manner. Once the clothes were off, once Alan was positioned in the bed, William would go from methodical to a more blatant force. His lovemaking was rough, though not haphazard. There were no touches as much as grabs and pulls, Alan would be completely at his mercy; it scared him at first, then he loved it. It would always end in screams, two bodies tangled on the bed. William wasn't exactly much for cuddling, though he wouldn't exactly throw Alan out. There would be a few last kisses before dressing would commence and Alan would be on his way to his room.
The next day he would be meeting Eric for meals when he could, then discussing cases in the lounge or in the hallway, receiving all the glances and whispers. Some nights they made love; it was hard for Alan not to compare Eric to William. For all his gruffness Eric was relatively gentle; exuberant at times, sometimes a little rough-handed, but gentle.
He didn't know if Eric suspected anything; if Eric wondered if the friendly conversations with Mr. Spears he witnessed in the office were anything more than professional exchanges. He didn't know if Eric would scrutinize their every glance at each other, every word to get some hint of hidden affection. Alan realized how paranoid he was being, how scared of what would happen if Eric found out. Nothing would happen, he told himself repeatedly.
Besides what was a little selfishness.
Alan would tell himself this as he tried to keep from flinching in pain during tea with Eric, as he tried to keep breathing while making love to William even though his lungs felt they would seize up. It was why he would caress Eric's arm even more during dinner, not caring what anyone around them thought. It was why he kissed William with much more force.
He was due a little selfishness; he was due a reason to appreciate life before the Thorns snatched it away from him. He tried to live with this, though it was becoming harder and harder to keep quiet, soon everyone knew.
Gradually Eric was holding his hand more at the dinner table. He was embracing him in the hallway. He was talking openly about their evening plans. He was discussing what they would do for a vacation together, talking in the library about going to Greece, exploring some old ruins, seeing all they could while Alan still had a measure of health.
There were fewer and fewer meetings with Mr. Spears. They remained cordial, working professionals, though the affair was cooling and Alan was content with this.
Alan did tell Eric about Mr. Spears. He told him during an evening in, Alan sat him down and explained what happened. Eric wasn't pleased, though he wasn't angry either.
"I don't like the guy, you know that; not to mention he's our boss and that's a hundred kinds of worse," Eric said with a pained sigh. "But I'm not going to hate him because of this. You had your reasons, I don't like it, but maybe I haven't been that great a guy either."
Alan could hear the sadness in his voice with no small measure of frustration. He did feel a bit guiltier, but Eric reassured him he wasn't angry.
From here on they ate meals together more often, they would actually have picnics on the outside tables. They would look every gawker right in the eyes and go back to gazing at each other while talking. From here on Alan and Mr. Spears would share pleasant conversations, talking about cases and details with professional respect if not friendly courtesy.
Alan didn't know how this happened, but for once he was in a place where he was truly happy.