Summary: Jacob is thinking about what to say to Bella in his letter at the beginning of Eclipse.
Disclaimer: I do not own any of these wonderful characters. They all belong to Stephenie Meyer.
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Doesn't Change Anything. Sorry.
Ed.Cullenator
I thrummed my pen violently against the table top. The words just wouldn't form right in my head. Each time an idea struck me, I wrote it down, but words don't always look as good on paper as they sound all jumbled up in my head.
I scribbled a line through my previous words, and laughed bitterly as the black ink squirted from the pen onto the paper. I loosened my grip, but the pen was still broken. Chucking the ink-covered pen into the trash, I grabbed a new one from the drawer.
I started writing again, and I realized how stupid I was acting. How stupid she was being. It felt like second grade note passing, with Billy or Charlie as the poor semi-clueless messengers.
I scratched out these words, too. They didn't do my feelings justice. I tried to put a word to exactly how I felt. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn't just one word; one feeling. It was an array of feelings. Hurt, betrayal, shock, jealously, anger, sadness… I could go on forever, but what good would it do?
I sighed, a little relieved, and scribbled down my last words.
"Yeah, I miss you too. A lot. Doesn't change anything. Sorry."
I folded the mangled piece of paper up and left it on the kitchen table for Billy to give to Charlie to give to her. How would she react? Would she even react? Would she even bother reading it? Would he even let her read it?
I stopped myself from these trains of thought. I didn't care anymore, or, that was what I was telling myself.
These hopeless thoughts had to end! I stormed out of the house, and ran into the cover of the woods. I let my anger and frustration build up until I couldn't take it anymore. Suddenly my limbs were stretching, expanding, breaking, and transforming until I was no longer Jacob Black. The beast took over me, and I ran.
After ten minutes of running she still starred in my thoughts. I couldn't' help but let the bittersweet memories come to me. I remembered the first time she saw me phase. She had been scared. That look on her face said it all. …That look on Paul's face…
I also remembered the very first time she saw me as a wolf. She hadn't known who we were—what we were—at the time. Her expression that day… scared, yet almost happy. We never really talked about that day, but it always seemed to me as if she was happy seeing that bloodsucker, even though he was intent on killing her. She was just happy to know that vampires existed. A chill ran through me at the thought.
I remembered meeting her at First Beach. Of course, I knew Bella since I was just a little kid, but I hadn't been sure if she remembered me. That night, I had been so naïve. I thought she had been truly interested in me, boy, the way she flirted… But, to be used… To know that I was the one who told her what he was… What she wanted to be…
My heart broke. I had made so much progress with her. If I had just had more time, I knew her feelings would have reciprocated mine. Deep down, she probably still felt that way for me. The hardest part of all was knowing that she was my soul mate. It hurt so much to know that she was turning herself away from me, and giving her soul to the damned bloodsucker. Literally. He was a soulless monster, and she didn't even blink an eye.
He was always thirsting for her blood, and she didn't even give a damn that at any moment he could kill her. What if she got something as simple as a paper cut? I'd be more that wiling to bet that eh wouldn't be able to resist even that.
What would have happened if he was there riding the motorcycles with her? What would he have done when she crashed, finish her off? He certainly wouldn't be able to clean her up, to take her to the hospital. But his "father" would… I didn't even want to get started thinking about that.
Her image forced itself into my mind. I whined at the sight of her beautiful face. It was absolutely perfect, yet not perfect at all. She had big brown doe eyes a bit too big for her face, a bit too innocent for her face. Her bottom lip was a tad longer than her top lip, but it suited her. She had a tantalizing pout. In my head I traced over her heart shaped face. I remembered the way her dark brown hair curtained her face at moments, and the pleasant blush it always seemed to conceal.
I sighed, frustrated. I had one more word to add to the list of how I felt towards Bella Swan.
Love.
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