A/N So this is the first chapter of my new AE. I have no idea how long it's going to be if I'm honest, I just know that it will be more than three chapters. Marissa's POV is normal, Ryan's is in bold. I'm sorry for the shortness but I couldn't really see any other thing to put into this post, so I decided to leave it the way it is. The posts will get longer as time goes on. I don't know when I'll post again, but hopefully it will be next weekend. I'm sorry for the poor writing of this too. And I wanted to say that I was reading back over Lollypops and Letters and I got all sad when it ended. I'm sorry for such a depressing story. This one will be very angsty, but it ends happily. Um, I think that's it other than the fact that I love my reviews and would appreciate it if I had a ton of them :) R/R, enjoy!

The people at school were driving me insane. I felt like I was some type of celebrity that everyone just had to know the latest scoop about. Wherever I went someone turned and looked at me, raising their eyebrows and assessing me as if I was some type of nutcase that therapists were observing. I had thought that everything was normal after I had Larry and they had their time to scoff and smirk at me, but now things were back to bad again. I couldn't understand what was going on. Why had everyone suddenly started having and interest in me, Ryan Atwood's ex-girlfriend who got impregnated by a mystery guy? Well, aside from the obvious.

I went through the whole day watching people whisper and look at me, obviously curious about something. I rolled my eyes at them for the most part, but after a while it got old so I confronted one girl. School was ending in two days and I figured that if I told off one of the seniors, I'd only have two days to feel their wrath. I walk up to one who was being a real bitch about making sure I knew that she was staring at me and frustratedly ask, "What the hell is your problem? I've never done anything to you, so stop staring at me. After all this time, you still can't find other things to do than stare at the person that was pregnant?"

She rolled her eyes and eyed me up and down disgustedly, acting as if I was some horrendous creature that should be stomped on. "Actually, I'll have you know that the issue here isn't about what a slut you are."

This confuses me to the point that I forget to correct her about calling me a slut. I furrow my eyebrows and ask, "Then what is this about? You just like to pick on those below you? There are tons of other people for you to stare at, you know."

She rolls her eyes and says, "No, we're actually talking about you and your role in Ryan Atwood's injury."

I'm really confused now. "What do you mean his injury?" I ask slowly, my mind working too fast for my mouth to function at a normal pace.

She scoffs and her friends laugh a little. "You don't have to pretend like you have no clue what we're talking about. We're sure you've already been informed of what happened the other day."

"I have no idea what you are talking about," I say, my tone making them stop smiling and really stare at me. I'm upset and very worried. They must notice this because they seem to soften for just a minute.

"He got shot. He was flown in the other day after having some surgery done over there. He's in the hospital right now," The girl informed me quietly.

"No, that's impossible. He wouldn't go and get hurt like that…" I say, not really able to comprehend the fact that Ryan is mere miles away from where I stand in a hospital bed due to being shot. Not my Ryan…even though he's no longer even technically mine.

The older girl rolls her eyes and says, "Well it did happen. He's apparently at the hospital right now. They had to make sure he was stable before they flew him in, but he's still pretty out of it…or at least that's what I heard…"

I shake my head and walk away, leaving the girls standing at there staring at me in amusement. How did they think I fit into the equation? What could I possibly have to do with Ryan getting hurt? I continue through the last period of the day thinking of him, and wondering how soon I can get to the hospital.

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I hear voices, but only one of them is powerful enough to stir me from my deep slumber. I feel pain throughout my body and for just a moment I forget how it got there, but then remember that night with the gun held to my head. It comes back to me slowly, the events playing out in my head like some great tragedy. The gun had gotten jammed, and by the time I thought of getting the knife and continuing the attempt to end my life, I was caught off guard by someone pounding furiously on the door. It had been someone who really needed to use the restroom, and in a dreamlike haze I'd gotten everything together and left the bathroom unharmed.

That day we had been sent on a mission to search through a building that supposedly held some terrorists. I can't remember much other than the sound of the numerous footsteps hitting the floor with a steady 'plop' even though we should've been quiet. I guess those footsteps were heard by the very people we were trying to find and capture, and they ended up firing at us. I remember feeling a very hot burning in my arm, back, and leg. I thought I was a goner, but one of my stupid unit members saved me. I'll hold it against him until the day that I finally do succeed and die. Hopefully that day is soon.

But I'm interrupted from my thoughts again by the voice. Her voice to be exact. I wonder what she's doing here, but then remember that I arrived back in Newport yesterday evening. I still can't comprehend what she's doing here considering she's the one that ended it with me. She's the one that didn't love me anymore, so why was she here at the hospital? To shove it in my face that we're never going to be together again? I begin to get angry and I hear a fast beeping in the room. She softly asks, "Is he going to be okay? That doesn't sound right…"

I hear Kirsten snap at her. "You obviously don't care if he's going to be okay. In fact, I think you should leave right now. You have no right to be here after everything that you've done to destroy his life."

I try to open my eyes, but my eyelids are way too heavy. I move my fingers a little and she must have noticed because she happily says, "Look, he's moving. Is he going to wake up? Ryan, can you hear me?"

I want to nod and say that I do in fact hear her. That I'm constantly hearing her voice in the back of my mind. That I never don't hear her voice because she haunts me when I try to shove her away from my thoughts. I want to say that I keep hearing her words echoing in my head that she won't marry me. That I constantly hear the way she said she loved me and try to decipher it to find some sort of trace of disgust. Instead I murmur, "Marissa," and hear a small gasp.

I can't see it, but I know that Kirsten glares in her direction. "You're not even supposed to be in here. I have no idea why the hospital allowed someone like you into the room, especially when it's supposed to be FAMILY only."

"Steve is a pretty powerful guy," I hear her reply nonchalantly. Just the name makes me slightly tense, and the beeping in the room grows even worse.

"What's that sound?" I hear Kirsten ask worriedly.

Then a new voice comes into the conversation. It's a male and he says, "That's his heartbeat. I'm afraid that we're going to have to ask you to leave…"

"Marissa," I repeat, opening my eyes and searching for her. She's standing to the left of the bed, her eyes watery from unshed tears. I look at her for a long time, and then slowly turn my head towards the doctor. "I need to talk to Marissa," I drawl out slowly, my eyelids still heavy, every movement a struggle. I'm guessing that they have me on some pretty powerful meds because I'm never this tired.

Kirsten looks at me in disbelief and asks, "Why do you want to talk to her? She's done nothing but cause you heartache."

I narrow my eyes at her and say, "I want to talk to Marissa." I look at the doctor and quietly say, "Please."

The doctor sees my heart rate go down and sighs. He's fairly young, his face handsome and concerned. He has short brown hair and green eyes that probably drive tons of his female patients crazy. I want to scoff at the idea. For a brief moment I wonder what Marissa thinks of him, but then shake the thought out of my head. She was no longer mine to worry about. "Fine, but only for a few minutes. Visiting hours are over and you really do need your sleep."

I watch them walk out of the room, Kirsten shooting daggers at Marissa. Once we're alone Marissa softly says, "I was so worried about you." She bites her bottom lip and I briefly recall a time when I sucked on that very lip as my hands moved over her body. I blink and then the image is gone.

"I want you to get out and never talk to me again," I say, getting straight to business. Her face goes from worried to complete shock and then to fear. "Kirsten was right, you've done nothing but cause me heartache."

"Ryan," She says quietly, her hand reaching for mine. I slowly pull it away, and she flinches at the move. "You don't want that. You love me, I know you do," She says, but it sounds more like she's trying to convince herself than me of the statement.

"I am one hundred percent positive that this is what I want," I say, looking away from her face that now has tears rapidly falling from it. "You hurt me," I say, my voice slightly breaking.


"I know I did, and I'm sorry. I wish I could take it all back, I really do," She says, making me turn to look at her face again. Her eyes find mine and she stares into them for a long time. They're the color of a stormy sea, and it makes me sick to my stomach that I could ever feel something for her. That I let her actually hurt me. "Ryan, I love you," She says softly, her eyes intensely burning into mine.

"I don't trust you," I reply honestly, not a single trace of bitterness or any other emotion in my voice.

"I'll earn your trust back," She says with a firm nod of her head. I roll my eyes and she says, "You'll see."

"Whatever, Marissa. I just want you gone. I'm supposed to rest in the hospital and you make me very tired and upset, so just leave already," I say, my voice getting slightly bitter. She quickly wipes her eyes, then leans down and kisses my forehead much to my dismay.

"I love you," She murmurs, and then leaves the room. I close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep, all thoughts of Marissa vanishing.

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I pass Kirsten by on my way out and she churlishly asks, "What did he want?" I look at her and she pauses, sensing the pain in my eyes. She seems to note the fact that I've been crying and softens towards me the smallest bit. "Let me guess, he told you to get lost?" She asks, her voice a lot softer than before. She may hate me because of what I did to Ryan, but she also is a mother and in some way used to feel some kind of motherly love for me. I just nod and she says, "You really hurt him."

I nod and say, "I know. I didn't mean to…I thought it was all for the best, really, I did. I swear to you Kirsten that I never wanted him hurt. I love him too much for that…" I feel a sob break free from my lips.

She sighs and puts an arm around my shoulder. "It'll be alright. As much as I don't approve of you two right now, he still loves you."

"You think so?" I ask, looking at her through a blurred vision. "You think he still loves me?"

She nods and says, "He's Ryan, and you're Marissa. There's no denying the fact that you guys are going to be together in the end. Just give it time."

"I thought you hated me," I say softly, remembering the anger in her tone from earlier. "Why are you suddenly changing your mind and acting nice?"

She shrugs and says, "I see what Ryan doesn't; your love for him."

"What do I do?" I ask quietly. "What can I do to change things?"

"Just earn his trust back," She replies. I nod and go home, ready to start mission, 'Earn-Ryan's-Trust.'