Disclaimer: Don't own'em.
A/N: Would it have been so hard for TPTB to give us an ending where we could have some faith that H&M's relationship would actually work? Who goes from nine years of dancing to a coin flip to decide who resigns their commission? Talk about inability to discuss, compromise, concede and reach a workable solution. What a great basis for marriage. I, for one, felt cheated.
This isn't a very complete story or anything, just a one-shot type thing. Actually, you may not find it any more satisfying than the actual ending...
ps. I don't know how this story came out so fast, but it did. And at the worst possible time, in terms of my work schedule. I have to go play catch up now.
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Closing Curtain
Mac leaned against the doorjamb of Harm's open door, watching him work. The familiarity of his form as he moved around his apartment made her heart tighten.
She took a deep breath. She would make it through this.
"Hey."
He turned to face her, but didn't seem surprised to see her. She wondered if he'd known she'd been standing there. He told her once that he always knew where she was.
"Hey," he watched her for a moment before returning to his packing.
She let herself in, and navigated around half-filled boxes and packing tape. His apartment looked ... incomplete.
"What brings you here," He asked, his back to her as he taped a box shut.
"You're flying out in the morning." She answered.
He stilled in his movements, still not turning to face her. His shoulders held an uncharacteristic slump. He bowed his head.
She walked up behind him, and placed her hand on his shoulder blade.
"Hey," she said softly.
He turned his head to look at her. The expression in his eyes was too much for her.
She averted her gaze to the floor, and he turned to face her fully. Her hand slid down his arm, and then dropped to her side. She swallowed the lump in her throat.
"Let's not make this a goodbye." She whispered, rallying her courage to look him in the eye.
He shook his head, watching her intently, his eyes not moving from hers.
"We'll keep in touch." She continued.
He nodded.
"We'll write. And call."
He nodded again.
"And visit."
Another silent nod.
She gave a quiet laugh, trying to cover the tremors in her voice, the tears that threatened. "Say something."
He pursed his lips, the sadness in his eyes almost overwhelming.
"Harm." She whispered. "Please."
He kept looking intently into her eyes.
"I'll miss you." She tugged lightly on his collar.
He gave a slow smile that didn't reach his eyes. His fingers reached up to trace the outlines of her face.
"You have someone who'll always love you, Sarah." His voice was as soft as his touch.
She bit her lip and nodded, fighting her tears that refused to go away. He'd said that to her once before, when she'd needed then to hear that her one constant would remain a constant. Just as she needed to hear it now. The only man she'd ever trusted would always be a part of her life, in some shape, in some form.
"You have someone who loves you." She repeated her words to him, hoping he also needed to hear them as much as she had.
He pulled her into a deep hug, his arms surrounding her, his face in her neck.
"I promised myself I wouldn't cry." She said, her voice shaking. She held him tightly.
"Me too," He said, a light self-deprecation mixed with the tears in his voice.
She was the first one to pull away, but her hands stayed around his waist. His rested on her hips.
"Until next time." It was more of a question.
"Count on it." He replied readily.
"Make it a promise," She searched his face for her guarantee, trying to fight down her desperation.
His face fell, and then he slowly shook it from side to side.
The ground disappeared from beneath her feet. He couldn't refuse her this.
"I already broke one promise to you." The sadness in him was palpable. "I can't make any more."
She frowned, until she realized he was talking about the baby deal that had passed its due date. She blinked back her tears, this particular wound still hadn't healed. She didn't think it ever would.
"I needed to hear that then, Harm. And you gave it to me. You've never broken a promise to me." She assured him, "I'm the one who didn't keep up my end."
He shook his head, not accepting her words. Suddenly his expression turned into a scowl, his grip on her hips tightened.
"You asked me once what I'd give up for you," His eyes left hers and focused at some point above her shoulder. It seemed like he was talking to himself more than to her.
"Please, don't do this." They'd been doing so well, given the impossible distance that had established itself between them in the past couple of years. "Don't bring that up—"
"No," He shook his head briskly. "Truth is, Mac, I've never been ready to give up anything for you. And it cost me you."
Where was this coming from? A sudden panic took root in her gut, and she couldn't shake it.
"I told you once you'd never lose me. I meant it." She was rambling, she knew, but her anxiety at his refusal to make this one promise was taking a life of its own. "And that was a stupid question to ask. Besides you resigned to come find me in Paraguay—"
"And threw that fact in your face." He argued heatedly.
"Because I wasn't fair to you!"
"Don't make this your fault." He warned, his obstinacy now in full flight. "I was an ass to you."
"I don't want to fight with you." Talking to him sometimes exhausted her, it hurt to know this had become one of those times.
"Then don't."
She tried to pull away from him, but his grip on her hips held firm.
"We can't even say goodbye without getting into an argument." It was an accusation directed at herself as much as at him.
"I thought this wasn't goodbye?" He teased, making a paper-thin attempt to break the tension.
She studied his face, giving up her fight to escape from his tenacious grip. "I was never ready to give up anything for you, either."
His expression told her how little he believed her.
"You resigned your commission to follow me to Russia. You risked your career to harbour me when I was a fugitive."
"Doesn't count," She insisted stubbornly.
"Why not?" He laughed.
"Friends don't keep count". She countered.
"Friend isn't enough to cover all you are to me." He sobered once again.
Nor all I want from you, she thought silently. She focused all her attention on him, attempting to memorize the way he looked at her like he never wanted to leave. She tucked it into that silence space between heartbeats. What would she do without him. She couldn't bear to consider the road that lay ahead for her, knowing how difficult it would be. One step at a time.
Mac broke eye contact, and took a breath. She tried to find something to say, to break this silence that was crowding them into a corner.
"Well, I guess this is it..." She began to move away.
His hands tightened on her hips. She looked up at him in question. The quiet resolve she found focused on her stopped her in mid-movement.
"Marry me."
She thought she'd misheard. Her jaw dropped. She stared at him in mute shock. That couldn't be right...
He laughed nervously, but his eyes stared right into her.
"I'm sorry," She recovered, shaking her head to clear the sudden fog. "I thought you just said—"
Suddenly, his resolve reappeared. She witnessed the transformation, and the words died on her tongue.
"Marry me, Sarah MacKenzie."
She pulled away from him, and stared at him open-mouthed. "Are you out of your mind?"
"Come on, it's perfect!" He reached for her, and she was too shocked to do anything as he wrapped his hands around her wrists.
"How on earth?!" She exclaimed.
"It is." He insisted. "We could put in requests for spousal co-location, we get assignments close to each other. We'd just go to our respective billets – me in London and you in San Diego – until our replacements are found."
"But—"
He shook her wrists, and then his eyes lit up.
"And we could still go halves on a kid!" He was gaining momentum with each passing moment.
"How—"
"Mattie! I'm worried sick about how she's going to handle me being on a different continent after her father pretty much abandoned her." He stilled completely, his tone was low and serious. "I don't want Mattie to think I'm taking my responsibility to her lightly."
"You are wonderful for her, Harm. She really came into her own. She doesn't doubt you." Mac turned her wrists, and wrapped her fingers around his wrists.
He shook his head. "Mac. I don't even know if I can go through with this assignment, if I can do that to her."
"But it's your stepping stone to being JAG!" She protested, her wrists now resting limply in his hands. "You said she told you to go..."
"She did. But Mac. She's like you. Self-sacrificing because she doesn't want to believe she deserves better."
Mac had no reply to that. She quashed the hurt she felt at hearing that from him, at hearing that he thought that of her.
"Besides, it's a job, Mac. One I've invested too much of my life into, without really investing anything at all."
"What does that mean?" She couldn't find her footing in this crazy conversation.
"How often have I put my career second to do something else?"
"To do the right thing," She protested.
"How easy was it for me to throw away JAG to become an ageing retread?" He continued.
"Then you came back and made JAG the centre of your life." Her rebuttal was immediate.
"And what did I get for it?" He gave a sardonic laugh. "The Navy didn't give a damn about you going MIA in Paraguay. And the admiral had no trouble processing my resignation. I'm expendable."
"You don't believe that. And the admiral needed you back. You weren't even happy when you weren't in the Navy."
"I've learned a lot about happiness since then, and about what I need."
"Your face lit up when you found out you'd been promoted to Captain."
"I can be a captain at another billet. Mac. You saw how bitter Chegwidden was when he retired. And look at Creswell – he has a family, a wife, kids, and he's so much happier, more stable." His hands slipped from her wrists to her palms. He took her hands in his, and brought them to rest on his chest.
"I'm ready to make sacrifices and concessions and compromises. For you." He stated with a conviction that she'd witnessed before when it came to his father, to his brother, to his family. "You." He emphasized, insistent. "I can't do this without you, Mac. I don't know how anymore."
She was thrown to find she couldn't bring herself to believe him, even though her desperation to believe him was so strong she could've sworn it had a physical presence in his living room.
And she had no more arguments to make, nothing came to mind.
"This is too big a decision to be impulsive about." Her objection sounded half-hearted even to her own ears. The amusement that warmed his eyes told her he thought the same.
"I love you, Mac." He stated simply.
Something in her heart clicked into place. She wanted this so, so badly. She couldn't trust it.
"What?" She whispered, not daring to believe this turn of events. Getting what she wanted was foreign to her.
"I love you." He searched her face. "Come on, Mac. We've always followed the rules, and look where it got us."
"Harm!" Her objection was more genuine this time, given the complete incongruity of what he'd just said. "You never follow the rules! You always make your own, on the fly! You just said so!"
He pursed his lips thoughtfully, his laughter barely suppressed. "Good point." He broke into a wide grin, alight with mischief. But she could see the undercurrent of earnestness underlying his words. "Okay, let's make new rules together. You and me."
She didn't know what to do, what to say.
"What do you want, Mac." He tightened his grip on her hands, took a step closer to her.
She shook her head blankly.
"What do you want most?" He repeated, shaking her hands lightly, urging her. "Come on, Mac."
She bit her lip. Oh, what the hell. His mindless, impromptu excitement was contagious.
"You," she whispered. She felt reckless and giddy and terrified all at once.
His graced her with his patented full-blown grin.
"I'm all yours. Marry me."
She took a deep breath, but the sincerity in him again made any objections she may have had die on her tongue.
"Okay." She replied instead. Holy shit. She couldn't believe she was doing this. When was the last time she felt so alive? It was positively petrifying. Standing on the edge and just stepping off. With Harm.
"I promise—" He began pleading his case before her words even registered. When they did, he stopped himself, and did a very visible double take. "Wait! What? Really?" He searched her face for confirmation, pulling her in tightly to him. "Okay? Really?"
She laughed, despite herself. She nodded.
"Yes!" He picked her up and spun her around. Halfway through his second spin, he stopped abruptly and put her back on the ground.
She looked up at him, wondering why he stopped spinning, and found that same intent stare being directed at her. He leaned in and she was pretty sure her heart stop beating. And then he kissed her and she was positive her heart exploded.
It was a kiss full of happiness and giddiness and disbelief. And it was so hot and consuming, Mac was lost.
They pulled apart, breathless. Her entire body ached for contact with his, with him. She rubbed her hands over her chest, his trailed down her back, pressing her to him.
"I'm going to make you so happy." He vowed, his forehead resting against hers. "Just you wait."
"You already do." She whispered, praying she didn't wake up to find herself on a plane halfway to San Diego, alone.
His entire demeanour softened at her words. And then his irresistible grin reappeared. No, she was definitely not dreaming.
"So it's decided." He couldn't stop smiling. "I call my detailer, you call your monitor, and we ask for spousal co-location, stateside."
She nodded.
Spousal. Her heart skipped a beat.
"And we accept best fit only."
She nodded again.
He sighed happily. "I love you."
"I love you."
His grin got impossibly wider.
"Say it again." He kissed her nose.
"I love you," she giggled.
He kissed her, tasting the laughter on her lips.
"I'm going to miss you," He whispered against her lips.
"We have tonight." She curled her fists into his shirt. The delicious feel of being this close to him, his arms around her and his lips on hers was making her body tighten in anticipation. Her skin itched to be touched by him.
"And the rest of our lives." His hands slipped under her shirt, his fingers sliding along her skin. She closed her eyes to savour his touch.
"Starting now."