Title: Conspiracy?

Authors: Carus and Sal Maris

Rating: Teen

Warnings: Mild Cursing

A/N: This is a bit of exploratory surgery for us. We've never actually written a story together, so we are going to try our best to make this as fun as possible. We welcome all kinds of comments, good or bad, because we want to improve. Thank you for reading and we hope you enjoy it. This drabble occurs Mid-Second Season.

oOoOoOo

The elevator gave a familiar ding, followed by the clunk of wood hitting tile as the infamous Dr. House stepped onto the main floor, glancing around in an anxious manner for interns, annoying friends, or bosses with their shirts too low cut. He was relieved to find that only the interns were to be found and they knew better than to bother him on his way to the candy dish. He was on a quest today: a quest for Dum Dums. Waiting until the girl behind the information desk was looking the other way, he hobbled up to the basket of suckers on the desk, grabbing a handful, as he didn't want to hover long enough to choose a flavor.

'I better not be stuck with just orange flavors again. If there's anything I hate worse than clinic duty…'

"Dr. House," came a familiar grating noise from behind. House rolled his eyes and continued walking toward his escape. He was only three steps away from the front doors. If he could just get away before she said something again…

"Dr. House!" came the voice again. He sighed and turned towards the source, waiting as the doom approached. "You better not be doing what I think you are."

"What, going home to call a stripper? As fun as that sounds, no, I'm merely trying to escape the fifth circle of hell," said House as he dropped the Dum Dums on the counter beside him, unwrapping one with the now free hand. "Turns out that I failed."

"Dr. Home, a call for you on line five," came a voice over the intercom.

"Damn it. Looks like the CDC has got ahold of me. Cuddy, call the lawyer while I call Wilson to draw the fire. And while they still think my name is Dr. Home."

"Not everything is about you, House. Dr. Home is a cardiologist."

"Well, that's someone I haven't blackmailed yet. Thanks for telling me that, Cuddy. Now I know what to do when I put someone into cardiac arrest. 'It wasn't me. It was Dr. Home. Get your nouns right.' I love it." House proceeded to put the sucker in his mouth.

"Funny. Listen House, you owe me five clinic hours this week alre--" Cuddy's lecture was interrupted when House suddenly spit the sucker out, watching as if in slow motion as the brightly colored candy flew through the air and down the front of her shirt. She froze for a short moment before glancing down at where it rested, a twitch growing under her eye.

House looked on with badly covered amusement, pulling a fake apologetic look. "Sorry, it was orange again. I swear it's a conspiracy." Ignoring how his boss gawked at him, he reached back to the counter and picked up another Dum Dum, as if nothing had just happened.

"So, Cuddy, want a sucker? Oh, sorry, didn't see that. Why do you continuously try to remind me of the produce department? I have to say, I am disappointed with your fruit choices. I prefer melons to oranges any day."

Cuddy stared at him, mouth gaping open for a moment before composing herself again. "I don't know what--" she began, but was interrupted by the intercom.

"Dr. Dwelling, you have a call on line two."

House looked up at the intercom like it had insulted him and muttered, "Damned doctors, always stealing my name…"

"What are you talking about?" Cuddy demanded.

"Never mind. I'm going home." Sticking the second sucker in his mouth, he found all was right with the world when he discovered it was cherry. Sure that he was now home free, he made a dash for the door. Unfortunately, it seemed being hit by sticky candy put Cuddy in a bad mood.

"Get into that clinic now, or I'll cut off your Vicodin supply." Hearing the greatest of all threats, House hovered just before the automatic doors. He stood still a long moment before turning back to Cuddy, pulling the sucker from his mouth to speak, his tone innocent. "Hmm, you sure are acting testy today, Dr. Cuddy. Usually you save that threat for when I've killed someone. Did I do something to bother you?"

"Get in the clinic, now!"

"Oh, all right, Cuddy. If you insist. I guess I am just a sucker for you," he said, smiling maniacally as he walked into hell.

"Dr. House clocks in at 4:04. Please write that down. Who do we have on the list today?"

"Amanda Abode is--" the nurse began.

"Who else?" he asked, annoyed with the clinic already.

"A five year old patient, Marie Cubby, needs her shots."

"Isn't that what nurses are for?"

The nurse ignored this. "She's in exam room one. Just go see her. It will take you five minutes."

Seeing an opening for a short exam and a long nap, he took the file with no further complaint. Stepping into the room, he took in the small bratty looking girl and her father, who glared at him as soon as he came in. "We have been waiting for half an hour-"

"Trust me, that's not near the record here." Ignoring the leer he got, he opened the file and skimmed the page inside. "So, Mr.--"

"Mason Cubby." Mason turned towards his daughter, missing the irked look Dr. House gave him. "My daughter's teacher, Miss Kennel is insisting on a flu shot for all the kindergarteners."

"Interesting, I'm practically falling asleep."

Mr. Cubby looked at him as if he'd been slapped. "Hey, there's no reason--"

"Oh, save it. Just give me the kid's arm."

"Go on, Marie; Give the doctor your arm." The freckle-faced brat rolled up her sleeve and held her arm out to house. It was covered in a murky dark substance.

House took one look at it and said, "Don't you people wash your kid?"

"We are trying to teach her responsibility to wash herself when she wants to. We want her to make her own decisions!" he said defensively.

"God… She is five! Whatever. I don't care. Just wash her arm in the sink before I give her the shot so she doesn't die of an infection."

After giving the kid her shot and promptly escorting her out of the clinic, House sat down and got his mini T.V. out to watch General Hospital. Finally, something that wouldn't annoy him!

"Dr. Shack, I love you!"

"Mrs. Castle, I'm sorry, but the truth is… I'm your half brother!"

"What?!"

"Dr. Shack? Are these people kidding?! All right, where are the cameras? Is this a Candid Camera set up?" he asked, wildly looking around the room waiting for someone to burst through the doors.

Thus when the door opened at that moment he jumped in shock, falling off the patient bed. His portable T.V. was hit by his arm, and went skidding across the floor. Dr. House groaned, rubbing his head where it hit the floor.

"What happened to you?"

Looking up at the familiar voice, House squinted up at the confused Dr. Wilson. "I thought it was the kid and her dumbass father again. Little kids like that shouldn't see porn." Motioning with his arm at his fallen T.V. he tried to pull himself off the floor, using the bed as a crutch.

"Right, I thought you were whining the other day that you couldn't find any signal for the adult channels." After watching him struggle to stand Wilson helped his friend stand back up while looking around for his cane. "I thought you were going to make a break for it after lunch."

"The gatekeeper caught me before I could…" Taking his cane from Wilson, he walked over to his fallen T.V., picking it up and checking for damage. As he turned it over he accidentally hit the turn dial, turning up the volume on a random channel.

"Mr. Roost and Mr. Den have been reported as missing since the accident last-"

"Is this some kind of joke?" House said looking around, as though he expected someone to jump out and say 'April Fools!' "Though, I guess it isn't April is it?" he muttered to himself.

"What? Have you completely lost your mind?" he asked.

"No, not completely. I swear, something is going on here today, Wilson."

"Like what? Cuddy got you for more clinic duty?"

"Forget it. You have any Dum Dums?"

"That's a new one. Is that your new insult for 'patients'?"

"No! I want my suckers. They're yummy." House said defensively.

"The only thing that you find that…yummy… (House shot him a glare) is Vicodin. Has the Cheap Sucker Company started making Vicodin flavored suckers?"

"Do you think they'd go for that?"

"Sure! Why not make a sucker that has all the benefits of a highly addictive drug and market it to children?" exclaimed Wilson.

"Sounds like a good idea to me."

"…Anyway, I was coming to let you know that Cuddy wants you to take charge of a new intern."

"Oh really? Can I?" House said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"… His name is Sam Apartment."

"WHAT?!"

Dr. Wilson jumped back slightly as House reeled around to face him, almost knocking him over. "What is with y-"

"Dr. Wilson, Dr. Edifice needs you in Oncology."

Wilson gave an exasperated sigh, raising an eyebrow as he saw House giving the speaker a weird look. "Uh, I need to go. Try to keep a semblance of sanity and not yell at the whole staff about conspiracies."

"BUT THIS IS NOT NOR-" House stopped and glared at Wilson's back as he ignored him and left the room. "You're no fun, Jimmy."

Twenty minutes later, after surfing through his T.V. and finding no more suspicious names, House cracked the door open and peeked out at the front desk. The nurse was looking the other way and, seeing his chance, he made a break for it. Sometimes it really paid off not wearing a white coat – no patients would know he was a doctor and bug him about the wait as he ran past.

"House!"

Cuddy, on the other hand, knew exactly what to look for. "Damn it!" he said, possibly a little too loudly, as he saw a six year old standing next to him. "Hello."

The little kid ran off and began crying to his mother. "MOMMY!"

'Great. Just what I need… a screaming child.'

"House, where do you think you are going?"

'And a screaming Cuddy. Could life get any better?' House thought as he reached for his Vicodin and popped a pill in his mouth.

"Well, Cuddy, as it is five 'till I thought that I'd take an early dash out. So many sick people here. Wouldn't want to catch anything," he said.

"Well, I'm so sorry, doctor. I would hate for you to catch anything while doing your job."

"So glad you understand. I'll see you tomorrow!" he said, striding away as quickly as possible. He got to the counter with the Dum Dums before hearing the sound of doom call after him once more.

"House, just because you think you can cut corners around here doesn't mean I'll let you get away with whatever you want. Furthermore, next time you-"

As Cuddy continued her lecture, House squinted down at her in confusion, tuning her out and thus missing the point. Eventually losing all interest, he unwrapped the sucker in his hand and stuck it in his mouth, smirking around the treat when he saw his boss step back at the sight. Apparently she hadn't forgotten the identified flying object that hit her earlier. After a moment she started up the lecture again, and surprisingly House just stood there and took it, letting everyone in the clinic look on…at least for a few minutes.

But suddenly House took the finished Dum Dum stick out of his mouth and looked at his watch, giving a loud yell that made Cuddy jump. "Whoa, look at the time! It's now past five! Time to go."

As Cuddy gawked at him in shock he wheeled around and walked out the door, going as fast as he could so he'd be gone before Cuddy got over her shock.

"Dr. Habitat, you have a call on line one."

"What the hell is going on here?!" he yelled, rounding on Cuddy. "All day there has been nothing but--"

"Also, Dr. Residence, you have a call on line two."

"AAH! This is ridiculous, Cuddy! You are behind this, aren't you?"

"Holmes, you are crazy."

"HOLMES?! Not you, too!"

"Holmes. Calm down."

"I AM NOT CALMING DOWN! My name is NOT HOLMES!"

"Holmes… holmes… holmes…"

"STOP IT! JUST STOP IT ALREADY!!'

"…house….house…House….HOUSE!!"

"WHA?!"

Dr. House suddenly jumped upright, realizing a moment later that he was sitting in a chair – specifically the lounge chair in his office. Blinking the sleep from his eyes, he looked up and saw Dr. Cameron's concerned face looking down at him.

"You've been yelling in your sleep. Bad dream?"

Instead of replying with a glib remark as he normally would, he continued to stare up at her, silent for a long time before finally speaking. "What's my name again?"

Cameron looked at him in confusion, standing up straight as she replied. "What do you-"

"Just answer the question."

"Uh, Gregory House…why?"

"No reason. Just like to see people confused." House seemed clearly calmer and pulled his cane from the wall before standing up. "Anyways, what did you want?"

"Uh, nothing. Just that it's after five, and the patient's stable, so we are going home."

"Fine fine…" Looking around his office, he saw a bowl of Dum Dums on his desk. On impulse he reached in for one, unwrapping it as he spoke again. "See you tomorrow then, if the patient hasn't kicked off by then." Hearing the door close behind him, he assumed Cameron had left and sank into his desk chair and pulled his over television by the rolling stand with his cane. Turning it on the soap channel, he leaned back and sighed, closing his eyes as he stuck the Dum Dum in his mouth.

"….wha?" Pulling the Dum Dum out again, he stared down at the cream sucker and licked his lips, taking in the taste. "This tastes like-"

"Dr. Residency, what we did last night was wr-"

Dr. House's eyes bugged out at the television before looking down at the candy again, the answer suddenly clear. A moment later Dr. Cuddy and the last patients in the clinic looked up at the ceiling as the scream from floors above echoed down to them.

Apparently there already was a Vicodin-flavored Dum Dum.