Disclaimer: Hunter X Hunter does not belong to me.

What the hell is up with this situation?! Killua screamed inside his head and tried to press his back and crane his head as far away as possible behind him. He was currently sitting in a small cafe sofa, completely bungee gummed to the cushions with Hisoka leaning over him way way too close. Gons leg was the only thing separating him bodily from the psychotic clown, but even his best friend wasn't spared from what was happening. In fact, the whole situation started with him (no, not because of him. That is totally different) and Killua had only been dragged

in as some sort of collateral damage. Never mind that he was basically the reason the whole thing started, though the supposed target at the moment was Gon and not him.

The killing intent that suddenly radiated from Gons general direction made Killua cringe and tense a little. But he was too busy trying to get the blasted clown to let go of his chin and stop the psycho from pressing their noses together. He could also feel Gon straining his leg to probably kick the bastard. Except that limb was bungee gummed too. Killua honestly tried not to inhale now that he could feel Hisokas breath on his face. He gritted his teeth. Hisoka, the bastard, was purposefully challenging that killing intent.

"Hisoka, you get away from my brother right this instant." Illumi threatened from where he was, leaning over Gon much like Hisoka was over him and cupping his best friends face in his hands. Killua could see them struggling in the corner of his eyes but not by much. Gon of course, was trying to look his way and was completely ignoring his Aniki while said Aniki was trying to turn Gon's face away from him. And Gon's foot was still struggling with the bungee gum.

The hell, Killua thought and tried to concentrate on calculating the success rate and amount of time it would take for him to distract the clown, get out of his grasp, grab Gon and make a run for it. Without destroying anything and without getting any of the other customers currently watching them killed in the process.

But all the scenarios he ran through his head were moot. All except one which was absolutely the last thing he wanted to do. Especially since Hisoka was the one silently suggesting and encouraging the idea. The clown seemed to be extremely thrilled with the prospect of fighting his brother at the moment. And Killua could tell from the look of his face. All that was needed was a reason for Illumi to let go of Gon and try to kill the clown. That would give him enough time to grab Gon and make that run. They'd be all the way across the city in no time flat. But

of course he'd have to pay the clown that small fee that would set everything in motion. Two birds with one stone, the bastard.

And he had to be the one to do it and initiate the contact. Otherwise it was no deal on Hisoka's part. Killua knew it, Hisoka obviously knew it, but God it was absolutely the last thing he wanted to do. Killua felt a lump form in his throat. The idea in itself made his stomach drop and twist around. It made him feel sick and he was never sick.

But seriously. Decisions, decisions. Time was was ticking, he needed to get Gon out of here in one piece. Right then and their it was the only plan with a 100% chance of success, and all he'd have to do was crane his neck forward instead of backwards and allow the clown to-

"Killua don't!" Gon shouted and Killua jerked back.

Shit, did he actually just try to do it?! Killua internally screamed and felt a trail of sweat run down from his neck to his collarbone. Judging by the disappointed look Hisoka was sporting at the moment, he did.

Shit, Killua closed his eyes and went back to avoiding the bastard altogether, or at least try to.

Damn this situation to hell!

Proxy Proximity

It all started with a pretty normal day. He and Gon had decided to retrace the places they'd been to but hadn't really enjoyed due to the training that time they'd been trying to go to NGL. This time they were in the town they'd first met Palm in. Back then they had only been to the house they'd rented, the gym they'd exercised in, the park they went to fight Knuckle and Shoot, then that one restaurant he and Gon had eaten after getting away from Palm. There was the station too, but that didn't count by much.

Long story short, they wanted to take their time and enjoy the place. Visit every nook and cranny they could go to, and eat in every well-known bar(yes, Killua knew they were underage), restaurant, cafe and fast food chain they had to offer. They'd go to every marked location with a history that could be told, never mind how boring those places actually were. They came to have fun, and fun they were going to have.

So yeah, it was a pretty normal day, or at least it had been until two uninvited guests decided to ruin it.

It was only just morning and they had yet to start their days worth of adventuring, so they decided (mainly Killua) to take their breakfast in a small cafe with an extensive display of sweets and pastries and cakes-

"But Killua! That's a pastry store. We're eating breakfast-"

"Yeah, and I want to have a taste of that double marble chocolate cake-"

"It's breakfast-"

"-for desert! Desert okay? They have cereal and coffee here too."

"...That doesn't sound much like breakfast."

"I know right? But I'm here for the chocolate so deal. You can pick where we'll eat lunch as compromise."

"Ehh..."

Score and end of argument.

Killua obviously won.

So they eat their breakfast there and Killua waits for two slices of that double marble chocolate cake while Gon searches in a tablet for their possible agenda of the day.

The cafe itself was classy though a bit small in size. While the houses outside the place was mostly made of wood and painted in natural brown and foresty colors, the cafe stood out with its blue painted cement walls and fancily rounded corners. It looked like a giant oval-ish Easter egg and was definitely out of place in the area, but many people came either way. The entrance of the store composed of one door that clinked whenever it was open. The rest of the wall beside it was covered in thick glass allowing the customers to see outside and other people to see

the customers and the selection of food they had from the outside. The chairs that were pressed to the corners of the cafe were sofa like. Red leather and pretty comfortable to sit in with square shaped tables, while the the tables in the middle were round and the chairs small.

He and Gon were currently seated in the corner table closest to the door. Killua was sitting in the cushioned chair facing the door while Gon sat opposite him. His order was going to take a while, the waitress had said, since the double marble chocolate cake was just freshly baked and needed a bit of time to 'd wait of courdce. But it didn't stop Killua from craning his neck every now and then too see if his order was finally there for him to gobble up. Killua eventually got tired after a while and decided to prop his head in one hand and watch Gon in front of him.

Gon was still concentrating all his attention on the tablet in his lap. His half eaten bacon sandwich was all but forgotten in favor of whatever it was he was doing. The half empty glass of orange juice sat beside it, likewise ignored. Killua snickered at the site of Gons eyebrows nearly connecting in his concentration. His tongue was also starting to stick out of his mouth.

Time for a master plan, Killua thought with a mischivious grin and said plan forming in his mind. Killua inconspicuously grabbed a raisin(who wanted to eat raisin in fried rice?! Not him!)from his plate and lazily aimed the wilted fruit at his best friends forehead. With a small amount of Nen, he hardened the raisin just enough to mimic that of an erasers, snickered, and flicked it with precise aim.

FWOOP!

"Itte!"

Bulls eye!

Killua clutched at his stomach and laughed.

Opposite him, Gon was slowly rubbing at the forming bruise.

"Killua." Gon whined and Killua controlled himself to stopped laughing.

"Sorry Gon. The cake is just taking to long to get here and you were concentrating really hard." Killua sat up straighter. "What are you doing anyway?" He asked curiously.

Between the two of them, he was the one who spent more time fiddling with the tablet then Gon was. He'd also been the one to propose them buying it, but they'd paid half the price each so it was co-owned.

"Ehh..." Gon looked down and grabbed the tablet with his free hand. His other hand was still pressed to the sore area on his forehead, turning the screen for Killua to see. Killua's eyes bugged out at the sight of the screen.

It was plants vs zombies.

It was twelve levels more than that one blasted level he couldn't seem to win.

What?!

Killua bolted and was pushing Gon closer to the window in the next second. He grabbed at the tablet and brought it closer to his face while Gon scooted a bit to give Killua more roome to sit in. Killua barely noticed the gesture and gave the tablet an intense stare.

How? He thought and looked accusingly at Gon who was rubbing at his neck a little nervously.

"Ahh, did I make you mad? I was going to try that website again, but I opened it and that game was just there..." Gon started with a tiny voice. Killua twitched. He doesn't even know the title of the game he was playing, and he bet him?! "So I kinda got into it and ended up not searching. Hahaha, sorry Killua you can reset the game if you want to!" Gon said, back to his usual old self again. Killua clicked his tongue and grudgingly returned the level back to the one he couldn't beat.

Thrusting the tablet under Gon's nose, "How'd you finish this one? I've been stuck there for days!" He said. Gon was only too happy to help and they concentrated on that, Killua somehow miraculously forgetting about his double marble chocolate cake. It wasn't ready anyway, so yeah.

Neither of them noticed the two ominous figures that entered the cafe until said figures were standing directly in front of them.

Killua was the first one to notice, and as soon as he did, he felt his blood run cold.

Out of all people, it just had to be Hisoka, he thought. And Aniki of all people. Why oh why does it have to be me? He groaned. It could only mean bad news for the both of them. He and Gon had long since abandoned the tablet(for now, Killua added. He was going to beat that blasted level later), and were now tensely awaiting the two uninvited guests' next move.

His brother was the first to talk.

"Kil", his brother started in his usual monotone and slowly faced them. "A little bird told me he's been seeing two children running around and eating in every store they could find. Just the two of them." Illumi emphasized the last part.

No duh, Killua made a face. And the bird was obviously Hisoka. He silently berated himself and Gon for not watching their surroundings better.

Complete silence followed those words and Killua took the time to asses their surroundings for possible escape. Sitting by the door was the correct decision, but not by much if someone (two in this case) was blocking their way towards it. He'd really rather not break anything the cafe had right now. He still wanted to taste that double marble chocolate cake he'd ordered, and if it was as good as the rumors kept saying, he'd rather not be black listed thanks you very much. He shifted his gaze from behind him to take a quick glance at Hisoka, but the clowns expression was blank much like his brothers. He couldn't read anything from it.

Killua's eyes snapped back to his brother when he saw a finger twitch. He tensed at the possibility of Gon being attacked. Thanked his luck for having his best friend behind him right then and there, and nearly had a heart attack at his brother next words.

"Are you dating him Kil?" His brother asked with a very small tilt of his head. That question completely threw Killua off guard.

What the hell?

"That's none of your business!" Killua almost flinched at Gon's loud reply. He swiveled around but was a second too late from stopping Gon from saying anything further. "What we do is none of your business so leave Killua alone!" Gon said.

This is bad, Killua swallowed a lump in his throat. The expression on Gon's face clearly told Killua he wasn't backing down from this. The small traces of killing intent radiating from behind him told Killua that his brother wasn't backing down from this. And the manic expression he found on Hisoka's face when he turned back to look at his brother told him that the clown wasn't going away anytime soon. This is really bad, he swallowed again feeling the beginnings of sweat falling forming on his forehead.

"Ex-excuse me sir. Here is your order of double marble chocolate cake. Two slices!" A waitress bravely interrupted the hostile aura surrounding them and quickly set the plate down on the table to flee.

She wasn't able to, because Illumi was now preventing the absolutely terrified woman from doing so. "Aren't you supposed to clean the table first?" He asked her, of which the woman squeaked in reply, apologized extensively, and went about what she was asked to do before fleeing.

Another long awkward silence followed before Illumi returned his attention to him.

"Have you paid the bill yet Kil?" Illumi asked to which Killua shrugged his shoulder. Illumi placed his palms together in front of him and tilted his head. "Then I'll pay for it. We'll settle this after you eat your chocolate. Until then..." Illumi moved to the chair opposite them and gracefully sat down. He scooted a bit to give room for Hisoka who followed beside him.

So now they all sat facing each other with Gon and his Aniki directly facing one another(they were in a staring showdown. Gon all out glaring at Illumi and Illumi blankly staring back) while he was left to face Hisoka who was giving him amused looks.

It was really awkward and silent, but the smell of the chocolate was clouding his senses. Gon wasn't saying anything(yet) and neither Illumi nor Hisoka was acting up(yet). So he shrugged his shoulders, scooped a fork full of chocolate and munched on the absolutely heavenly taste of chocolate.

"Umai!" Killua said out loud without actually meaning to. The tension only seemed to have increased and it brought him back to the situation at hand.

Yep. This is really really bad, he thought.

"Killua isn't going anywhere with you."

Aaaaand of course Gon would be the first one to break such an awkward silence. What the hell, it had only been around five minutes since he started eating.

And a half.

Killua was successful in his attempt to not roll his eyes. Outwardly at least. The tension was still making him lose most of his appetite. Otherwise he'd have been through eating by now. It was chocolate. Right now he'd be lucky enough to eat half of it before absolute mayhem would occur. And that estimation was assuming everything would go well(*cough* best case scenario *cough*). Now that the silence was broken and the awkward flow of conversation was going to start, he wasn't too sure anymore. He took a bite anyway.

Illumi completely ignored the statement and dove back into the earlier conversation. "You never answered my question Kil. But Gon-kun's answer seems to indicate that you are." Illumi said. Killua didn't answer and took another bite out of his chocolate. He could feel Gon clench his fist from beside him and he casually stepped on Gon's toes to calm him down. It worked. Or well, slightly. Killua scooped another fork full.

"I heard rumors that the chocolate here is really good." Hisoka spoke for the first time and supported his head with a hand.

"It is." Killua answered absentmindedly.

"Oh~" Hisoka asked and smiled creepily in his direction. That could not mean anything good. Hisoka leaned forward, looked at the chocolate, looked at him, and raised an eyebrow. "Mind if I take a bite?" He asked. Killua shrugged a shoulder, and took yet another bite.

He did not expect Hisoka to grab at his wrist and use his hand (and fork) to scoop another fork full of chocolate and eat from it. The junction of the fork that separated Hisoka's mouth from the tips of Killua's fingers was very quick to disappear and fall onto the table in itty bitty pieces. Hisoka's hand too, if he hadn't let go of Killua's wrist quick enough. Illumi's blood lust was practically tangible now. Killua didn't stop himself from rolling his eyes this time.

Great. Now his Aniki was mad. What was Hisoka doing here anyway? Killua thought.

Shifting from beside him, Killua turned just in time to see Gon look at his dismembered fork. Raising a hand up in the air, "Excuse me, can I borrow another fork please?" Gon called out to a passing waiter. Illumi was quick to give Gon the look. And this time you could say that he might as well be glaring right back.

"...I was about to do that." Gon stuck out his tongue at Illumi childishly.

Take that, it clearly said.

This...was by far the longest breakfast Killua had ever had his entire life.

"I told you, I'm not here to take Kil away."

"Then why are you here?"

"I'm his older brother. I have the right to check up on him whenever I want to. I was in the area anyway."

"Lies! Why are you here?"

Killua sighed and tried to zone them out and focus on his chocolate. The conversation had been going around in circles for the better part of the time after the fork fiasco. Even Hisoka was starting to look bored and the amount of time they'd already spent there was way outside of Killlua's expectations. He was down to half of the second chocolate cake, and they were still talking about the same thing. Heck, it was the first time Killua's heard Illumi talk for so long outside the family. Maybe I should give Aniki some sort of reward, Killua thought and took another bite. It would be a nasty reward of course.

THUD!

"Killua and I are not dating, but that's because we don't need to! We might as well be together already!" Gon declared, pointing a finger heatedly at Illumi's face. The chocolate Killua had just swallowed was quick to change its course and effectively lodge itself in his throat. Killua started coughing into his hand.

"Ah, Killua!" Gon grabbed his long neglected glass of orange juice and offered it to Killua with no hesitation. The top of the glass was quick to disappear and join the itty bitty pieces of spoon on the table.

"No one is giving Kils an indirect kiss under my watch." Illumi said venomously and Killua tried to dislodge the piece of cake faster from his system.

"What? You'd rather Killua choke like that than save him through kissing? What if Killua was drowning?"

"Then CPR is-"

"That is kissing-"

"It is not-"

"Waiter a glass of water please~" And lo and behold, Hisoka was the one sensible enough to get him something to drink.

Killua snatched the glass as soon as it was offered to him and the moment he could finally breath properly he gave the two arguing people an annoyed look. Just what exactly are these idiots talking about?! He thought and tried to set both of them on fire with his eyes.

The situation was getting ridiculous. He'd endured their presence long enough, and he's already lost his appetite for the cake that was a mere three bite away from being consume. Now was the best time to plan their escape. And with his brother and Hisoka a small table away and them being closest to the door, now was the best time to-

…

Killua tried to move from his position on the sofa leaning against the backrest. He wouldn't budge and inch. A cold sense of realization finally came over him and he slowly turned to look at Hisoka's smirking face.

Shit.

Illumi suddenly stood up from his seated position with his palms down on the surface of the table and his frame dangerously leading towards Gon. "If you really want to kiss him, fine I won't stop you. But I'll be his proxy and you'll have to kiss me instead."

Shit! What have these two been talking about all this time?!

With barely a blink, the table was completely shoved to the side. Illumi was in front of Gon and cupping his face in an instant. Leaning so close Killua wondered how Gon could continue to glare like that without so much as blinking or looking away.

"Gon!" Hisoka's hand suddenly obscured Killua's sight of them. He grabbed Killua by his chin and made him face him. Hisoka too, drew close and licked at his lips.

"A proxy eh~ Should I be you're proxy too, Illumi? Or Should I be Gon's?" A foot suddenly wheezed passed Hisoka's face, planting itself firmly in Killua's other side.

"Hand's off Hisoka!" Gon's voice demanded, though it was clearly muffled by Illumi's hands on his face.

Rewind, rewind, and back again.

Damn this situation to hell!

FIN

A/N: Um...oops? I'm insane, had a lot of free time, and wanted to sort of troll people. Thanks for reading and goodbye! Sorry for grammar/spelling mistakes. No beta.