"Decision Making, Decisions Made"
Just a few days after the Ohio state courts had legalized gay marriage, Blaine had proposed. Kurt accepted, and everyone was thrilled for them. In his heart, Blaine knew this was perfect, even while his head was interfering.
The fear was subtle at first. Blaine would be out with Wes and David and jokingly refer to Kurt as "the ball and chain."
To which, Kurt would say, "I'm going to be your husband, not your wife."
Once, Kurt heard Blaine say when out with some college friends, "Come on guys let's drink! It's the last time you'll see me as a free man!"
Then a couple weeks before the planned wedding day, Blaine sat down with Kurt at a table in their favorite coffee shop, and said, "So, we should discuss the pre-nuptial agreement." He pulled out a few papers.
Kurt felt his entire body go stiff. "What?" His voice was cold.
"You know, an agreement, in case we ever get a divorce, we know how property and stuff will be divided…"
"I know what it is, Blaine." Kurt's tone was frighteningly even, and very sharp. His left eyebrow was raised, as he briefly scanned the papers set in front of him.
"Then what…" Blaine looks up, genuinely confused.
"Do you really think I don't know what you're doing?" Kurt nearly hissed.
"I don't understand."
"You keep calling me things like 'ball and chain' and saying it's 'your last free night…"
"Kurt, I was joking, babe." Blaine tried to interject, but Kurt barreled on.
"And now, a pre-nup? Are you kidding?"
"Kurt," Blaine's tone was measured. "Look, I don't mean anything by it. My parents had a pre-nuptial agreement. It was really helpful when they split."
"And are you expecting us to 'split'?" Kurt's words were acidic.
"No! Of course, not, but, I just think it would be smart, in case something…"
"I'm not signing that." Kurt interrupted.
"I'm sorry?"
"I'm not filling out that paper. I'm not signing it. I am not doing anything with it. It's a contract, Blaine. Contracts are for lawyers and business deals, not relationships." Kurt focused an unwavering glare on his fiancé.
"Kurt, be reasonable!"
"Blaine, listen." Kurt looked away for a moment before returning his eyes to Blaine. His tone was less bitter and more sad, but no less determined. "When you proposed to me, I felt like the happiest person in the world, and it seemed like you were just as happy as I was. But, lately, everything you say, every few sentences is a crack against marriage; now, you bring up this paper, as if you're planning for us to break-up, and I can't help but question if you actually want this."
Blaine reached across the table and took Kurt's hand, "How can you even think that, love…"
"Don't do this." Kurt withdrew his hand. He closed his eyes and took a breath before continuing. "I love you, Blaine. I have never loved anyone like I love you. I want to spend my life with you. I want to marry you. But, I don't want to get married because it's legal now, or to prove a point, or because its convenient, or whatever. I want to get married because we love each other, and we want to spend our lives with one another. I know I want this, but I need you to want the same."
"Kurt, I…"
"So, here is my proposition: It's ten o'clock p.m. You have twenty-four hours. If in these twenty-four hours, you decide you want to marry me, without any more insults, and without any contracts or preconceived notions about owing it to anyone other than us, you come home, and we'll proceed as planned."
"Kurt…"
"But," Kurt didn't allow him to speak, raising his hand, "If you can't do this without the pre-nuptial agreement, if you want to do this just because we can, or if you decide you just don't want it anymore, don't come home. Send me an address, and I'll ship you your stuff, without requiring anything on paper, and you never have to see me again." With that, Kurt stood up and walked out of the shop.
Blaine watched the swish of Kurt's grey and blue scarf and the line of his black overcoat disappear, as the light clack of his heeled boots faded. Once Kurt was out of sight, Blaine covered his face in his hands and ran his fingers through his hair.
He had never been so unsure of what to do in his life.
Blaine had sat in the coffee shop until it closed at midnight, stirring his latte uselessly. Then, he left and booked a hotel room for the night. He would wake up bright and early to make decisions in the clear light of day.
His alarm went off far too close to dawn, but it wasn't as if his sleep had been all that restful, anyway.
Blaine knew he loved Kurt. He loved him now, and had loved him for seven years, but he would be lying if he said he weren't afraid of falling out of love with Kurt one day, or having Kurt fall out of love with him. He had been beyond ecstatic when gay marriage had been legalized, but since then, statistics of divorce rate and how many high school sweethearts actually made it had flooded into his mind. The depressing numbers had stayed in his mind, and they often battled with the glowing feeling he got in his chest whenever Kurt smiled his smile, the one he saved only for Blaine; battled with the way his heart thrummed when Kurt took his hand and clasped it under the table when they were out at dinner or warmed it when they walked through a park; battled with the way he still did a double take whenever Kurt would walk through the room, just to model his newest outfit.
The beautiful and the monstrous had muddled in his mind, so he called the one person, aside from Kurt, with whom he could always find some logic, and drove to Westerville.
Blaine silently munched on his salad, sitting across from Wes, who looked at him inquisitively, as he sipped a diet coke with lemon.
"So, what's going on?" Wes asked.
Blaine explained the whole thing, his intentionally joking remarks, the pre-nuptial agreement, Kurt's hurt and ultimatum. Wes listened and nodded respectfully throughout Blaine's speech. When Blaine was done, Wes thought silently for a few more moments.
"Why is this bothering you?" The asian boy finally said.
"Why do you think? My fiancé just told me to choose between marrying him and never seeing him again!"
"No, I realize that. I meant, why are you torn? From your reaction, when we were all watching the court decision on T.V. you have wanted this forever. I understand that cold feet happen, but you've always been very determined and sure of what you want. I would have expected you to hear that, maybe wait the night out, and then go back to Kurt, apologize, and then live happily ever after."
"I know, but for some reason, I didn't do that."
"Which is why I'm confused." Wes remained very still, as he spoke. Blaine was never sure how he did that, staying so very composed all the time. He admired it, and yet, he knew that was part of the reason he and Amy, his girlfriend of several years, had split. "Do you want to marry Kurt?"
Blaine sighed. "I think so. I just starting to wonder if I'm doing it just because it's legal now, and I'm terrified of a possible bloody divorce, and if I'm doing the right thing." He ran his hand through his hair, momentarily questioning when he had picked that nervous habit back up.
"Blaine, everyone has those fears. Well, maybe not the first, but the others are normal. True, there is no guarantee that you will stay together, but there's no guarantee that you won't. What else is there?"
"Nothing." Blaine shook his head.
"You're not afraid that Kurt wants to call off the wedding?"
That caught Blaine's attention. "What?" His eyes went wide, and he gaped a moment before asking, "That doesn't make sense. Why would you think he wants to call it off? He's the one asking me to make the choice."
"Exactly. Kurt could very well be more terrified of the marriage than you. Maybe, this is his way of letting you both off the hook easily. He could move on, and he wouldn't have to worry about hurting you, because it would have been your choice."
"No!" Blaine looked incredulous. "Kurt wouldn't do that…" He paused for a long time. "I mean, he would tell me…wouldn't he?"
Wes chuckled. "I don't know. I'm not saying this was what Kurt was thinking, but you two might have some very similar fears."
Blaine fell silent. Wes usually brought him some clarity, but now he was just unsure about one more thing. Now, he wasn't even sure if Kurt wanted to marry him.
"Well, look, Blaine, I need to get going. Amy's in town, and I…we agreed to see each other this afternoon."
Blaine nodded, and Wes left.
Blaine drove to Alum Creek Park North, one of his and Kurt's favorite places when they had been at Dalton. He sat on a bench, and stared into space, until a buzz in his pocket announced he had gotten a text.
From Amy: Hey, B! Wes said he saw you and you were upset. Want to talk?
From Blaine: Aren't you out with Wes, now?
From Amy: Haha! Yeah, I'm in the bathroom, now.
From Blaine: TMI
From Amy: Shut up. Meet for dinner, Cottage Inn Pizza, 7:30?
From Blaine: Make it 7:00 and deal.
From Amy: Kk!
Blaine had been so grateful that he had stayed friends with Amy, even after she broke up with Wes. She was fiercely loyal and always friendly. Wes may have been the logic in their relationship, but Amy was definitely the source of compassion.
As soon as he sat down, Amy had said, "Spill," and he had, for the second time that day, explained his fears, and all the events of the last day.
Like Wes, she listened and nodded respectfully.
"Okay, so what exactly is bothering you?"
"Oh God, you sound like Wes." Blaine moaned, burying his face in his hands.
"I know you're questioning your motives, and I know you're afraid, but you've never said you've stopped loving Kurt."
"I haven't stopped loving Kurt."
"Then, why is this even a question?" Amy through her arms up in question. "I've watched the two of you together since you two got together, remember?"
Blaine smiled and remembered her and Wes stumbling across them making out in a hallway the day they had gotten together. He nodded.
"I have seen you two deliriously happy at something as simple as holding hands, struggling to keep everything together, working with long-distance relationships through school. Both you and Kurt cried to me at some point during the five years you guys were at college. But, then, when they announced the trial verdict, I remember you literally jumping in the air and grabbing Kurt, and just holding him and sobbing."
Blaine watched her seriously.
"You didn't look at anyone else that day. You didn't talk about how history had been made, or how things were now more fair, or whatever, and I know you've been following trials on gay marriage since you were eleven. You just looked at him as if he were the stars and the moon, and he looked back at you the same way. You love him, Blaine, and he loves you. That is the only reason you should ever get married, and that's the only reason you have ever had. If none of this has changed, then why would you question things now."
"I'm afraid to lose him. I faced breaking up with him so many times when we were working through school. I've seen so many bad breakups, and I'm worried it will happen to us."
"Blaine, baby," Amy reached across the table and took his hand, "This is verging on being a bad breakup. You need to go home now. Nothing is certain, except that you love each other. There is nothing to say about how it will end, except that it will end if you don't go through with this. Now, go."
Blaine stood quickly and thanked her. As he slipped on his coat and gloves, he asked "Do you still love Wes?"
She laughed humorlessly and brushed her bangs out of her face, "Yes. I do."
Blaine smiled and kissed her on the cheek. "You give good advice. I think you might want to follow it sometimes."
He jumped in the car. He had just over two hours to get to Lima.
He was speeding along the US-33 W highway. It was a fairly empty road. He drove in silence. It wasn't usual, but he didn't trust to play the radio to not play some Katy Perry or Lady Gaga song, and he didn't trust himself to not break into tears if he heard one.
Therefore, he heard nothing but the road flowing under his tires, until his engine began sputtering.
Blaine felt his heart trying to bang out of his chest as he pulled over to the road. He was about an hour outside of Lima. "Oh no, no, no, no no, no. This is not happening."
He turned off the car and sat a moment.
He turned the key.
The ignition didn't turn over.
He jumped out of his car and popped the hood and stared blankly.
Kurt was good at cars. Kurt's dad was good at cars. He just had no clue.
He checked his phone: Nine o'clock. He swore to himself. He pulled out his phone and dialed Kurt's number.
It rang.
It rang.
Blaine willed himself not to hyperventilate, as it went to voicemail.
"Hey, Kurt. Please, please pick up your phone. Please. I want…" he paused. He refused to confess his love for Kurt over voice mail. "Please, answer. I need to talk to you. Please, just pick up." The machine cut him off.
He stared at the Blackberry in his hand, breathing hard and fast.
After a moment, he dialed his sister.
"Aidan?" He asked, as the phone picked up.
"Yes?"
Blaine broke into sobs as soon as his sister spoke.
"I'll be there as soon as I can." Aidan hung up the phone.
By the time she arrived, Blaine's eyes were rimmed red and painfully dry, tears having been wrung out of them twenty minutes ago. As he leaned against the car, he stared at his phone. It was ten o'clock.
"Come on, B, it's freezing." She pulled him into a hug. "Get in." She gestured toward her car, and they sped off.
The ride was spent in mostly silence, except for sniffs from Blaine, which turned into a nearly strangled sobs when they hit traffic because of an eighteen-wheeler crash.
It around eleven thirty when Blaine finally arrived at home.
"I'll wait around for a bit, maybe see a movie. Call me if you need me." Aidan said, as Blaine jumped out of the car.
His gloved hands fumbled with his key, and he was shaking unbelievably hard, but he finally managed to get the front door open, and he all but sprinted to the dim light he saw coming from their living room.
As he entered the room, he saw Kurt on the couch hunched over in a grey sweater and black slacks. His elbows rested on his knees, and he clasped a glass of red wine in his hand. Blaine saw the half-empty wine bottle on the table. Blaine tried to talk to him, but he couldn't seem to make his vocal cords function.
They stayed in silence until Kurt finally spoke. "You were supposed to be here two hours ago." His voice was unbearably soft, and he stared at the table instead of looking at Blaine. "You were supposed to take me in your arms and say 'I love you. Of course, I want to marry you.'" Bitterness was obvious in his voice, as he broke into tears and covered his face.
Blaine rushed forward, grabbed Kurt's hands and used his thumb to wipe a few tears away, "Kurt, love…"
"No, Blaine, don't," Kurt interrupted him and stood up, walking across the room. "I can't handle this, if you're going to be sweet about it." He leaned against the wall and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes.
"Kurt, listen. My car broke down. There was traffic."
"Oh, God, Blaine, please." He let out a sharp laugh that was everything but happy.
"No, I swear. Aidan drove me here. My car is still on the side of the road."
"Did you call Autoclub?" His words were biting.
Blaine paused, "No. I haven't called them in years. I usually call you or your dad, now. I called you, but you didn't pick up your phone."
A slow look of realization came over Kurt's face. "Oh," he spoke slowly, "I was at Tina's. I was charging it, and I left it there by mistake."
"Oh, God."
"It doesn't matter though. If you don't want to marry me, anyway." He turned to leave.
"No, Kurt, please." Blaine stood up, and Kurt wheeled around.
"Please, what? It shouldn't have even taken you twenty-two hours to make this decision. I thought you had made it a while ago, when you proposed. Remember that? A beautiful evening by the lake? That sunset and the stars? After seven years, I thought we wanted this."
"Kurt, I was scared." Blaine finally broke through the tearful tirade. Kurt sniffed, but didn't say anything more. "Do you know how many couples I've seen split in painful, bloody ways? I was twenty when my parents got divorced. Amy broke off her engagement to Wes, and these were all people everyone said were perfect for each other, and who had been together for what seemed like forever. In half my sociology classes, I saw statistics for divorces and high school relationships, and frankly none of it was very encouraging."
"So, that's it? That's why you don't want to marry me? Because statistics tell us, that no matter what we do, we are doomed to failure? Blaine, I've seen my dad in two happy marriages…"
"I do want to marry you, Kurt." Blaine cut him off.
"What?"
"I want to marry you. With all the hype about the laws and such, I forgot, that when I proposed to you, the only reason I cared about the law, was because it let me marry you. I mean, yes, the law was a step for equality that I have always been fighting for, but when I proposed to marry you, I didn't think about that. I just knew that I loved you and always have. I forgot with all the statistics, that it would be very easy for me to be happy with you, because I always have been." As Blaine spoke, Kurt had bowed his head, so his expression was unreadable. Blaine felt like he was begging. "God, I love you Kurt. Yes, I'm terrified that something will go wrong with this marriage and I'll lose you, but it will kill me if I never gave it a try."
His throat went dry. He didn't say anything more. He couldn't say anything more. The silence was palpable, and he realized he had tears streaming down his face, though he couldn't remember when he had started crying.
After what seemed like an eternity of silence, Kurt sighed, a mere huff of air, walked back to Blaine, sat next to him, and cupped his face, wiping a few of the tears that had slipped down his cheek. "You know, you could have talked to me about this."
Blaine grasped Kurt's wrist and turned his face into Kurt's soft, warm hand, just breathing in the barely there scent of cocoa butter from some hand lotion Kurt used. "I know. I should have."
"Yes." Kurt used his hand to hold Blaine still, as he leaned in for a soft kiss. He pulled away inly slightly, resting their foreheads together. "When we're married, promise you'll talk to me, okay? We're going to have issues. Every couple, married or not, does. But, if we talk to each other, we'll make it work, I know."
Blaine smiled and nodded, whispering, "I promise." He pulled Kurt forward and kissed him again, more deeply and languidly. He let his arms slip about Kurt's waist and pulled him tighter against him. Kurt's hand travelled to the back of Blaine's head and gently threaded through the soft hair at the nape of his neck.
Kurt pulled away, and in a soft, sincere voice, he said, "Now, I want you, my fiancé, to take me into the bedroom, and make love to me until we are both exhausted and fall asleep in each other's arms. Alright?"
Still smiling, Blaine nodded, pulled Kurt off the couch, lifted him into his arms, and did just that.