Prologue
I ran down the stairs and onto the snowy street as quickly as my feet would carry me. After only a couple of blocks my legs began to give out on me, so I stopped. Panting heavily, I bent over, grabbed my knees and closed my eyes. I tried to calm myself by taking a few deep breaths, but I couldn't stop the flood of tears that were pouring out. My heart never felt so heavy.
So painful.
It was like I was breaking and splitting into two different people.
And I didn't know how to make it stop. Meanwhile, I was hurting everyone around me.
I wrapped my arms around my chest and started walking.
Everything was going perfect. Why did I have to ruin it? Why did I let my emotions control me? I had learned nothing from the past. I would always be the same dowdy, submissive, weak Bella Swan. One who could be pushed around. One who insulted the love showered upon her.
I didn't deserve any of the happiness I had. There surely was a spot reserved for me in hell.
One of my mother's favourite lines flashed to me -"Bella, life is not to be treated like a garbage can. Be smart!"
I'd always believed I followed her advice well. I should've been able to do so in this case too. Of course I knew what the smart choice was. Then why did my heart feel incomplete whenever I went in that direction…
No, Bella! Stop thinking about that! If you have any self-respect or common sense, you know what to do.
I did, of course. But, I couldn't do it whole heartedly. I willed myself, but I knew it was of no use. How much ever I tried to deny or defy it, it was there in me … Alive with each breath that I took.
I suddenly felt very dirty. This parasite was eating away at my life and I was helpless to stop it. I wanted to suck it out and cleanse myself.
I stopped and reached out to catch a snowflake in my hand, hoping to be as pure as it.
To be whole again. To be worthy of him.
Suddenly, I heard the screeching sound of tyres skidding and turned to my left. I froze as I saw a pair of headlights rushing towards me.
I'd never given much thought to how I would die, though I'd had reasons enough in the past, but still I never imagined it to be so sudden. I heard that your life flashes before you on your deathbed. But, my only thoughts as the vehicle hit me and I fell, bleeding on the icy road were, a hope that this would finally purge me, and a silent apology to the person I had wronged.